Monthly Archives: January 2013
I stopped myself this evening from reading any of my other emails after reading the blog of “Astrology Mon Ami” on Word Press as I felt the feelings come together to help me to finish sorting through this last week of truly feeling and knowing things are about to happen. Though this is helpful because it allows me to prepare for the events that then follow… It is a whole lot to wrap my mind around, and be fully okay with.
Last Sunday I felt the urge to go see a long standing cowboy friend of mine, to show him my new truck and just have a general friendly talk. As I pulled into his place I found it rather quiet, not like the usual quiet that occurs when one visits and the owner is absent. This was more of a blanket of calm, awaiting silence before the next page is turned. Feeling myself destined for another time for this meeting, I drove on back home, to find images of him frequenting my mind. With such urgings I went to call him and discovered when my phone had updated the other day… his number had been lost.
Not one to easily be thwarted when there were such internal urgings. I chose to go on Facebook and connect with him there, where when I went on line a mutual acquaintance connected with me about there was being a benefit for this cowboy who was now in the hospital. When I asked what was up, she gave me the news, he had been having problems and they were running tests that he needed prayers and which hospital he was in. So by Wednesday night I made plans to go the following evening to see him, going to bed that night with my next day fully planned out how to get done with my stuff early with plenty of time to visit with him.
Thursday morning found me deep in a dream where I was visiting him and he was telling me how well I was doing as a trainer, coach and teacher. Plus what a great ability I had in healing that I needed to be more confident about. I woke up feeling really positive about the dream and our visit later that day. Went to work, all things just flowing together, everyone on time, ease of traffic, checked my bus back in and hurried home to get my chores and horses tended to. When to my shock the phone rang and a friend was calling to tell me the cowboy had passed away earlier that morning…
I sat with the remembrance of his last visit, the dream and the reality of now. There was no sadness, I knew him well enough to know he truly loved living life. He would be the type to go quickly, get on with whatever the next thing would be. Just the rest of the day I kept feeling his energy as I would ask for things with whatever horse I was on and felt this encouraging sense of what would make it better or easier. Then the getting in touch with those I knew who would appreciate knowing when and where the services were.
To then find my newest filly in training limping, holding her leg yesterday morning, which found me wrapping it with magnets and turning her into a bigger pen so she could have more space to move about since standing still was causing it to swell and movement is life. As I came home last night to check on her, I find my old dog has done something to his back paw. I get him to sit down while I investigate it and find the last outside pad hot and tender to the touch, with him nudging my inquiring hand away. In finding nothing bleeding, no definite sight of an intrusive injury, I set up his heat lamp, fix him up comfortable, feed all the critters and go to bed.
To wake up this morning to a cool, soft gray, comfortable foggy morning, and as I walk out to feed, my old dog is now dragging that same paw. I hurry up and check him, then quickly feed the horses and the dogs. With him just sitting there waiting on me with these really sad, tired eyes. So I sit, I talk to him, I have this long, loving reassuring (to me and to him) conversation of how great our almost 10 years have been. How awesome a coyote defender he has been and what a wonderful job of being my best friend and guardian he has done. If it is his time to go, I understand, if not help me to know what to do next. He lays there for a while, big soft eyes searching mine, then he sighs, gets up, moves over, turns around, lays down and sighs again like all of this is just so much more than he can help with.
I leave him to go get my coffee, breakfast and periodically check on him, to find he has moved around several times. Once to lay looking out at the pens, then in the direction of the other dogs and the last time I look out he is laying on his big old paws looking at the house. I ask my youngest as he walks out the door to go check on him, as I don’t see him even wiggle an ear when the door opens. Even before he touches him I know, Michael is gone…
Wow, in a week, all these sensing, knowing, advance information. Two longtime friends, both massively in love with living life to the fullest, neither one the type to slow, down and just wait to get old. I get it. I know life is about living, it is about moving forward, loving with all we have and that means enough to let them go… however, wherever and whenever they choose. I appreciate my ability to sense things, really I do, I am just so very aware of all that I have learned about how I can choose at each moment to love what is going on and understand it… because even in death it is what is…LIFE!
Quietly, slowly, listening to the directions of my body as my mind still occasionally tries to go on these varied tangents of thoughts that rapidly fill my head when things happen in ways I did not expect or anticipate. I find that as of late, even when I start to fill angry or frustrated it always seems to come from my mind first. As I become fascinated with the oh so different response found in my body or gut, which indicates that it really is a matter of choice as to how I react now to any situation. Case in point this last week in maneuvering through the steps to owning and finalizing all transactions of my choosing to buy a used vehicle. I find the teachings I need most are easily laid out before me to notice and do something with or just wait and the lessons are repeated in much louder and more obvious ways.
My truck was taken back to the main dealership on Wednesday for the seven items on the list to be repaired and tended to. So I was wonderfully excited to be able to inspect the final results yesterday and have today with my check list drive. Finding myself after thanking them for having it back before this weekend, I jumped in after a quick run through of the items on the list. Fire it up, pull out onto the main road where as I get comfortably into the stream of traffic, my eye catches a missing piece of interior paneling next to the left front windshield. It was so broken and obvious I almost doubted that maybe I missed that before, when my glance in the side mirror to change lanes and turn around to go back, spots even more damage on the other frame, to find myself thinking “okay there is a lesson here” as I pull back into the dealership and the salesman comes out to find out about my quick return. As I explain and then we slowly go through the entire checklist and find there are still two things that were not completely done though have been checked off as repaired, to now after this weekend and his calling the owner about the new problem be attended to.
I continue on my way knowing things will be just fine. Finishing the evening with no other incidents and in a relatively confidant frame of mind. To go treat myself to scrumptious meal and wonderful root beer float to start the celebration of my trip forward into my new life of self-declared freedom, making plans with my youngest for an early breakfast and road trip to San Antonio to fully test out the mechanical repairs with the longer distance.
The truck ran so much better than before, now with a fully functional blower for both the ac and the heat as we maneuvered into the parking space for a simple breakfast before going into the adjoining supermarket. Where to my surprise as we opened the back doors to put in the groceries we found the missing broken pieces stuffed under the seat. When in pulling them out from the back caused me to glance up and discover the hole broken into the bottom of the dashboard, causing the total damage from repair of one simple fan switch and temperature adjustment to become a definite sign from the Universe that none of this existed before I had it repaired, and I still need to slow down and feel each baby step of walking this new talk.
I like how I got confirmation for the doubts I had in my mind over “did I not notice” where my gut all along kept urging assertion in finishing this feeling and owning my empowerment lesson. The salesman has been fantastic; I know all of this will work out. I love the understanding and knowledge I have gained in my new ability to find what is right, have the Universe align the steps to change or fix the other things to the benefit of all. Plus the guidance to trust my body in each step by feeling for the right solutions, ideas and directions to turn, as it gets easier as I feel what I am thinking, verses struggling for just the right thought.
The gifts of the New Year seem to be guiding me forward, calling me toward things I have been envisioning since what feels like forever, as I sit reflecting tonight over this last week of slowly, inch, by inch. Sometimes second, by extremely slow second… allowing with the apprehension of what have I done now. Can I really move easily, comfortably into the desire I laid out so many years back?
Starting with Wednesday with the guarantee of the few things on the dealer’s check list to be fixed on my (?) new truck, which though not truly new it is so very new and grand to me. As I left the dealer ship with the promise of the truck by opening of the lot the next morning. I went to eat, imagine, and dream as I perused the local tack and trailer store for many of the things needed to be all of me in the following of my intuition, imagination and magnificent desires I have sat on for so long. As I have been holding the lid down tight on so much of me, allowing very little out and even less in, from the remaining fears of anyone telling me how I should, could, or better be to make them happy.
I awoke the next morning with a since of accomplishment as each horse I handled and rode, learned new steps, responded with enthusiasm and lightness. Which in turn quickened my hopes as I easily allowed the morning to pass not even bothering to have the phone close for me to be grab at when the salesman called like someone desperate for things to come together. Until…1 pm rolled around, I had done all of my animals, all of my chores, I had been good, played the game of “Mother, may I” and nothing was forthcoming.
So I called him, he answered saying the other lot had not called to update him so he would call and get back to me. I played cards, cleaned house, cleaned the barn and began to doubt myself, my ideas, my rights to have things like “I wanted them!” Feeling the pull of some dark, old, unseen, but truly felt buried belief raising its flag for me to find, realize, see it for the myth that it was. Yet until I could recognize andeven know it was there, to truly see it for what it was…I was stuck with the misery I felt in the alcove of waiting. First one hour, then two, three and finally after four hours I couldn’t stand it anymore.
I felt the old, constant feeling of being nicer to others than to myself. I suddenly saw years worth of being a doormat. The yes person, the firefighter, the hand me down, leftover queen, who now felt the avalanche of dread over being useless unable to get the simple answer of when was it going to be my turn. When was the truck actually going to be here, fixed, ready, available for me to drive, examine and savor.
As the tears started, I felt the immense anger welling up. The feeling of I played fair and yet nothing had come of it, and as I felt the true raw feelings of why, why me? I suddenly saw this very young loving, caring, giving, child, as she hid in the closet reading with a railroad lantern, as the fight raged on in the other room. Chanting the same prayer over and over “Jesus, Mary and Joseph help me”. Willing to do anything to run from fear, stop the yelling, afraid of the aftermath, listening, waiting and hearing her protector slamming the door, getting into and starting the truck. While she got deeper into the closet, holding fast to the fears that before she finally fell asleep, made a solemn promise to do whatever it took if God brought her mother back, to never let her them get that mad again.
Now this grown woman faced the little child, told her it was okay. There didn’t have to be just the two choices anymore, the one of a doormat or an angry witch. There could be other choices, the universe might need to take time to put all of these carefully orchestrated steps together so that when the time comes the truck will be the perfect, efficient vehicle for all the wondrous other parts of the puzzle to fit together easily and fluidly. As the rest of the weekend proceeded to play out all of the steps necessary to find any and all other items to be addressed after the 72 hour test drive period. The Universe now giving advance signs before each delay, to allow the steps to unfold in such a manner that as of this evening, the truck has been thoroughly checked by two very trusted mechanics, who have sited the few items that will be addressed before the final signing of the papers. Plus all of the positive points of my new three-quarter ton diesel truck, with its bumper, towing package, headache rack, running boards, grill guard and with low mileage that they are so impressed with my find.
Showing me that I don’t have to do or know it all. Others really are here to help me. The Universe truly has my back. I have just been holding on way to tightly from a habit I acquired when I was very small, when I thought my mother had left (she spent the night in the truck) and was faithfully allowing no one access to stomping on my dreams and taking my turn to feel right and safe away. It is going to be an fantastic year, as I continue to listen to, heed, and become aware of the signals from the Universe of each movement as I learn to enjoy and now trust the Guidance (God-U-& I-dance) I can and have felt. Just till now did not know why I couldn’t allow it to just happen in the time that it takes. Ahh the learning, the understanding, the allowing…I Can Do This!!
Talk about bringing in the New Year with a lot of magic and possibilities… as this last week has been an opening of letting go of all kinds of past issues, problems, old worn out items and habits. Starting off on Christmas day when one of my sisters came for a visit where we sat, talked, and shared lots of old history with an openness to hear each others view point and perspective. Allowing me to see many things in entirely new and different ways than I truly ever imagined, as I became conscious of many other layers of our family life than can be really felt or appreciated when one is in past that time warp of surviving, living, or going through the experiences of growing up.
I was so glad to have this time of learning about our past through the others different eyes and point of perspective adding to the information garnished in the last two months of being able to have private, honest conversations with all of my three sisters. Which granted me the ability to realize we all are going through something, which was impossible to see from any other place than where we each were, until someone opens the door to invite the truth from another without any one having to fear or suffer repercussions from actually opening one’s mouth to let “it” all out… which seems to have the added marvelous benefit of healing old assumptions as the new clarity falls into place.
I have in the past week… made Christmas a fantastic, fun, sharing experience with lots of money left in the bank. Putting up my old truck for sale, selling both the body and the engine to two different individuals. Had several last minute gift certificates for lessons show up and found “My New Truck”. Which is literally the truck on my wish list from 2004, its white, four wheel drive, diesel, super cab, with headache rack, grill guard, bumper with hitch towing package, gooseneck ball, work package,and $500 under book value. With only 125000 miles, decked out like the photos in my phone and on my walls… I am so glad my truck quit or I would not have been looking and found my dream truck within ten miles of my place.
To add to all of this fun and mayhem, one of the dating sites that I have had my profile on for several years but only have been frequenting to see where I am at vibration wise by the types of men I attract. To be pleasantly surprised by a letter of explanation of my slim selections of offered possibilities because of my not participating in a feature to browse through the selected men who fit my overall search choices, which by so doing means I just get to quickly peruse, choose yes, no, or maybe, and the computer then takes into consideration my actual, individual choices, to compile a more accurate group of men to then direct my info to. Which as I was sitting there, happily, comfortably narrowing things down, this email from the site pops up, to then find me engaging in an extremely fun exchange with a man who seems to once again fit so many things on my wish list from back in 2004.
It is like, by the decision of me to so thoroughly get involved with the process of taking full responsibility that maybe all of my beliefs needed to be gone through, examined, tossed if no longer applicable, changed if uncomfortable, and added if the new thought had never, ever occurred to be possible much less true for me. Thus then allowing God/The Universe the ability through the now widened gap of potentiality to bring me so very many things I was so stubbornly clinging to only being possible by doing it in the fashion I was taught to believe was right for me. Even though many of those ideas got me to this point, it’s that turning just a little in one direction or the other I could suddenly see gems of possibilities that were so hidden from me, by so many well-meaning people I have known who’s caring about me, I so thought meant they had the last word!
Wow, I am so excited to find myself here, expressing my joy in learning to observe, share, and examine the world from the broader perspective of, is whatever I am believing “true for me, Right NOW!” 2013 is a whole new year of exploration and adventure with a new truck, clean slate, and new beliefs that I can toss the moment they no longer hold true. Bless all of you who have followed, shared, and enjoyed my previous growth as I continue toward finding the best in every, fully alive, moment to come.