A New Way of Viewing…

 

The gifts of the New Year seem to be guiding me forward, calling me toward things I have been envisioning since what feels like forever, as I sit reflecting tonight over this last week of slowly, inch, by inch. Sometimes second, by extremely slow second… allowing with the apprehension of what have I done now. Can I really move easily, comfortably into the desire I laid out so many years back?

Starting with Wednesday with the guarantee of the few things on the dealer’s check list to be fixed on my (?) new truck, which though not truly new it is so very new and grand to me. As I left the dealer ship with the promise of the truck by opening of the lot the next morning. I went to eat, imagine, and dream as I perused the local tack and trailer store for many of the things needed to be all of me in the following of my intuition, imagination and magnificent desires I have sat on for so long. As I have been holding the lid down tight on so much of me, allowing very little out and even less in, from the remaining fears of anyone telling me how I should, could, or better be to make them happy.

I awoke the next morning with a since of accomplishment as each horse I handled and rode, learned new steps, responded with enthusiasm and lightness. Which in turn quickened my hopes as I easily allowed the morning to pass not even bothering to have the phone close for me to be grab at when the salesman called like someone desperate for things to come together. Until…1 pm rolled around, I had done all of my animals, all of my chores, I had been good, played the game of “Mother, may I” and nothing was forthcoming.

So I called him, he answered saying the other lot had not called to update him so he would call and get back to me. I played cards, cleaned house, cleaned the barn and began to doubt myself, my ideas, my rights to have things like “I wanted them!” Feeling the pull of some dark, old, unseen, but truly felt buried belief raising its flag for me to find, realize, see it for the myth that it was. Yet until I could recognize andeven know it was there, to truly see it for what it was…I was stuck with the misery I felt in the alcove of waiting. First one hour, then two, three and finally after four hours I couldn’t stand it anymore.

I felt the old, constant feeling of being nicer to others than to myself. I suddenly saw years worth of being a doormat. The yes person, the firefighter, the hand me down, leftover queen, who now felt the avalanche of dread over being useless unable to get the simple answer of when was it going to be my turn. When was the truck actually going to be here, fixed, ready, available for me to drive, examine and savor.

As the tears started, I felt the immense anger welling up. The feeling of I played fair and yet nothing had come of it, and as I felt the true raw feelings of why, why me? I suddenly saw this very young loving, caring, giving, child, as she hid in the closet reading with a railroad lantern, as the fight raged on in the other room. Chanting the same prayer over and over “Jesus, Mary and Joseph help me”. Willing to do anything to run from fear, stop the yelling, afraid of the aftermath, listening, waiting and hearing her protector slamming the door, getting into and starting the truck. While she got deeper into the closet, holding fast to the fears that before she finally fell asleep, made a solemn promise to do whatever it took if God brought her mother back, to never let her them get that mad again.

Now this grown woman faced the little child, told her it was okay. There didn’t have to be just the two choices anymore, the one of a doormat or an angry witch. There could be other choices, the universe might need to take time to put all of these carefully orchestrated steps together so that when the time comes the truck will be the perfect, efficient vehicle for all the wondrous other parts of the puzzle to fit together easily and fluidly. As the rest of the weekend proceeded to play out all of the steps necessary to find any and all other items to be addressed after the 72 hour test drive period. The Universe now giving advance signs before each delay, to allow the steps to unfold in such a manner that as of this evening, the truck has been thoroughly checked by two very trusted mechanics, who have sited the few items that will be addressed before the final signing of the papers. Plus all of the positive points of my new three-quarter ton diesel truck, with its bumper, towing package, headache rack, running boards, grill guard and with low mileage that they are so impressed with my find.

Showing me that I don’t have to do or know it all. Others really are here to help me. The Universe truly has my back. I have just been holding on way to tightly from a habit I acquired when I was very small, when I thought my mother had left (she spent the night in the truck) and was faithfully allowing no one access to stomping on my dreams and taking my turn to feel right and safe away. It is going to be an fantastic year, as I continue to listen to, heed, and become aware of the signals from the Universe of each movement as I learn to enjoy and now trust the Guidance (God-U-& I-dance) I can and have felt. Just till now did not know why I couldn’t allow it to just happen in the time that it takes. Ahh the learning, the understanding, the allowing…I Can Do This!!

Advertisements

About irfriske

Trainer, coach, teacher, parent, writer, exploring and sharing the connection through observation of what the Universe reflects back to us in our continuing education in living, loving, and enjoying life in interacting with horses, people, and animals.

Posted on January 7, 2013, in Life and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. This is the perfect webpage for everyone who wishes to find out about this topic. You realize so much its almost tough to argue with you (not that I really will need to…HaHa). You certainly put a brand new spin on a subject that’s been discussed for many years. Wonderful stuff, just excellent!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

The Godly Chic Diaries

Smiling • Writing • Dreaming

Learning to Thrive

“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." - Carl Jung

simplisticInsights

Simple made easy! psychology love feeling emotion thought behaviour success strategy

J. Ricci Energy

From where you are now, to where you want to be

Love. Life.

It's simple, yet powerful.

Eddie Two Hawks

Plant the seed of peace within yourself, watch it grow in the world

Pam Grout

#1 New York Times best-selling author

The Creator Writings

transcribed by Jennifer Farley, ThetaHealing Instructor/Practitioner

Source of Inspiration

All is One, co-creating with the Creator

Seven Spheres

Aqua Terra Ignis et Aer

bhardwazbhardwaz

Knowledge and Happiness(K&H) multiples by dividing it. More you share, higher and bigger they grow.

Russel Ray Photos

Life from Southern California, mostly San Diego County

HeartSphere

Conversations with the Heartmind

Simple Pleasures

Visual Poetry, Photography and Quotes

writeshianwrite

The thoughts in my head.

Cat's Place About Horses and Heart

Observations Of My Horse Handling World

%d bloggers like this: