A New Way of Viewing…
The gifts of the New Year seem to be guiding me forward, calling me toward things I have been envisioning since what feels like forever, as I sit reflecting tonight over this last week of slowly, inch, by inch. Sometimes second, by extremely slow second… allowing with the apprehension of what have I done now. Can I really move easily, comfortably into the desire I laid out so many years back?
Starting with Wednesday with the guarantee of the few things on the dealer’s check list to be fixed on my (?) new truck, which though not truly new it is so very new and grand to me. As I left the dealer ship with the promise of the truck by opening of the lot the next morning. I went to eat, imagine, and dream as I perused the local tack and trailer store for many of the things needed to be all of me in the following of my intuition, imagination and magnificent desires I have sat on for so long. As I have been holding the lid down tight on so much of me, allowing very little out and even less in, from the remaining fears of anyone telling me how I should, could, or better be to make them happy.
I awoke the next morning with a since of accomplishment as each horse I handled and rode, learned new steps, responded with enthusiasm and lightness. Which in turn quickened my hopes as I easily allowed the morning to pass not even bothering to have the phone close for me to be grab at when the salesman called like someone desperate for things to come together. Until…1 pm rolled around, I had done all of my animals, all of my chores, I had been good, played the game of “Mother, may I” and nothing was forthcoming.
So I called him, he answered saying the other lot had not called to update him so he would call and get back to me. I played cards, cleaned house, cleaned the barn and began to doubt myself, my ideas, my rights to have things like “I wanted them!” Feeling the pull of some dark, old, unseen, but truly felt buried belief raising its flag for me to find, realize, see it for the myth that it was. Yet until I could recognize andeven know it was there, to truly see it for what it was…I was stuck with the misery I felt in the alcove of waiting. First one hour, then two, three and finally after four hours I couldn’t stand it anymore.
I felt the old, constant feeling of being nicer to others than to myself. I suddenly saw years worth of being a doormat. The yes person, the firefighter, the hand me down, leftover queen, who now felt the avalanche of dread over being useless unable to get the simple answer of when was it going to be my turn. When was the truck actually going to be here, fixed, ready, available for me to drive, examine and savor.
As the tears started, I felt the immense anger welling up. The feeling of I played fair and yet nothing had come of it, and as I felt the true raw feelings of why, why me? I suddenly saw this very young loving, caring, giving, child, as she hid in the closet reading with a railroad lantern, as the fight raged on in the other room. Chanting the same prayer over and over “Jesus, Mary and Joseph help me”. Willing to do anything to run from fear, stop the yelling, afraid of the aftermath, listening, waiting and hearing her protector slamming the door, getting into and starting the truck. While she got deeper into the closet, holding fast to the fears that before she finally fell asleep, made a solemn promise to do whatever it took if God brought her mother back, to never let her them get that mad again.
Now this grown woman faced the little child, told her it was okay. There didn’t have to be just the two choices anymore, the one of a doormat or an angry witch. There could be other choices, the universe might need to take time to put all of these carefully orchestrated steps together so that when the time comes the truck will be the perfect, efficient vehicle for all the wondrous other parts of the puzzle to fit together easily and fluidly. As the rest of the weekend proceeded to play out all of the steps necessary to find any and all other items to be addressed after the 72 hour test drive period. The Universe now giving advance signs before each delay, to allow the steps to unfold in such a manner that as of this evening, the truck has been thoroughly checked by two very trusted mechanics, who have sited the few items that will be addressed before the final signing of the papers. Plus all of the positive points of my new three-quarter ton diesel truck, with its bumper, towing package, headache rack, running boards, grill guard and with low mileage that they are so impressed with my find.
Showing me that I don’t have to do or know it all. Others really are here to help me. The Universe truly has my back. I have just been holding on way to tightly from a habit I acquired when I was very small, when I thought my mother had left (she spent the night in the truck) and was faithfully allowing no one access to stomping on my dreams and taking my turn to feel right and safe away. It is going to be an fantastic year, as I continue to listen to, heed, and become aware of the signals from the Universe of each movement as I learn to enjoy and now trust the Guidance (God-U-& I-dance) I can and have felt. Just till now did not know why I couldn’t allow it to just happen in the time that it takes. Ahh the learning, the understanding, the allowing…I Can Do This!!