Monthly Archives: February 2013
This post has been over a month in the manifestation of due to my previous inability to start on this tale to suddenly finding a total other story making its way on the page in front of me. Allowing me to slowly, deliberately, sense for the feeling of am I there yet? With the answer coming from my gut in a resounding no, not yet, not even close enough to feel comfortable in sharing with myself, much less the world, these mysterious ways that words can enslave us.
Though never is the actual fault found in the word itself, in the way it is spelled or in the way the word is used. I have discovered that the problem for me is more of how “I” understand what I think is being said, by my interpretation from previous experiences, the inflections of my listening, where I am at when being told and how I feel about the person or source of information. Perfectly shown to me by my recent client in a discussion over a show I had gone to watch about dock dogs and she piped in how she had the book from the author of “Doc Dogs” at home. I asked what the specialized training might be for the dogs. She looked at me puzzled, as she explained it was probably whatever illness the vet was working on at the time. Where I realized there was a miscommunication, explained the set up for the show with the large swimming pool, and she laughed to add that her book was from a vet’s years of practice. Same sounding word, two totally contrasting stories, and understandings.
Allowing me to know I was on the right track in the clean-up work I have been doing. There are so many words over the years that I have been discovering have hidden agendas, prejudices, reactions, and I have uncomfortable feelings toward. Yet they are just words that somebody used or taught meant only whatever connotation was allowed or important at that time. I have been fascinated with how very stuck in my craw and scary an old adage had become as I lovingly started feeling in my gut first for the matching thought in my head. Becoming more and more aware of what an awesome student I was from whoever held my attention long enough to get me to buy whatever they were selling, because they were bigger, older, more demanding or authoritive than me. The control of my life giving or taken away at times…because someone else said it was right. Growing up in an age of not being allowed to question what others were saying because they loved us and knew what was best for us, because that was what was taught and expected of them.
I am aware of how strong those teachings were as I continue to relearn, reeducate myself in dealing with others in a more understanding fashion, as I am slowly teaching myself to breathe first. Then feel how the thought in my head feels, comfortable, or uncomfortable. Slowing down to feel and choose the most comfortable has proven to be changing my life, though it has caused me to be aware of how much of my life use to be lived on autopilot. Doing any and everything on a list someone else would give me. Running like a squirrel stuck on a wheel, completing, checking, adjusting, moving, looking for a hint of approval, and then adding whatever else was expected to the list when no approval was forth coming.
To find in the last few weeks, tons of improvements showing up everywhere here… yet I felt this uneasiness when I would notice what wasn’t done. So I would revamp my list, get several things humming along, feel the discomfort, add more to the list… round and round as the wheel began to get faster again… Till luckily this morning’s lesson was having trouble with her horse getting totally into her space, and as I was explaining a third way to deal with it… I heard myself tell her “she was pulling the horse in by micro-managing the lead rope” giving the horse no ability to choose where it could or couldn’t go.
Eureka… I knew that answer was meant for me. I have been “trying” to micro-manage the Universe, my son, my animals, yes even trying to manage the wicked wind that I finally surrendered to and took my sign down to get it mounted to a good solid base, instead of the flimsy one I have been getting by with. But it is all okay. It is perfect. Without all of these “problems” I have no idea how long I would have continued before I figure out this pattern of having to be right, correct or perfect. Instead of just being… alive, moving, changing, adapting, discovering and creating a more enjoyable and comfortable me to live with, my way, my choices, my ideas, my comfortable, breathing, feeling, sensing self…Sigh!!
This last week has been roller coaster of bends, turns, with ups and downs as I have maneuvered the path of learning to understand where I have been so stuck. Having so many of the answers handed to me by my students and my horses. As I have been slowly and carefully extracting myself from the flimsy layers of the taught behaviors that have been holding the lowest levels glued so tightly together, as I decidedly now choose which thought to pursue. With the wonderful simple examples set by the horses I played with this week when I ask any of them to do something. They always choose to do things by breathing, being aware, feeling for the choice that allows them to be comfortable. I know it is okay with them, when they look at me, breathe me in, and sigh. Any other reaction shows by them looking away, their body is tense, sometimes they roll their eyes, and hold their breath being able to so minutely breathe they almost seem to be holding their breath in a rock solid, so braced against my asking to quickly for them to grasp or understand.
In the fleeting moment of asking my long standing Appaloosa recover, I note when he freezes, stiffens up to me when I am even a little bit too rushed for him. Knowing it stems from whatever caused the hole in his skull one can still feel on his forehead. I marvel at his willingness to tolerate me and any new ideas I bring to further educate him in working with more people than just me. There is no thought to his reactions… I know they are just his instincts kicking in, so related to the first five years of his life… before me. I understand in working with my lady clients of the week, whenever I am explaining and sometimes re-explaining a previous lesson that they understood previously to mean one or two words out of the entire lesson of the week before.
They tense up, stop breathing, focus real hard on each word I am saying and I watch the fear of being wrong, having made a mistake or probably screwing up their poor horse. I then first get them to breathe, secondly explain whatever the last lesson was in an entirely different format. Add to that the things they are doing right, and then remind them that thinking about something new is hard when you have all this prior learning experiences from others telling you what you should do, what any words ought to mean, then watching me easily perform the task intuitively, and then trying to do it too.
Thinking is such hard work when learning and doing something new. One stops breathing, tries to do all of the steps at once, bodies get contorted, the horse patiently mimicking what the bodies on them are asking. Everything is all knotted up, going slowly, almost painfully forward… Till I tease, or throw some way out story, take odd strained poses as them or their horse and remind them how far they have come, what they are doing right, there is so many tiny steps in each new thing and they are trying to do it all of it perfectly right from the start.
Slow down. Feel for how you would make that move without the horse. Relax, feel the side of your body that it is easy to do it with. Compare what that side is doing that the other is not. Forget about me… I am just the radio, just this voice. I am not watching, judging, comparing or beating up on you for not being me or right. This is supposed to be fun. Wiggle your tailbone, wiggle your toes, find a way to let go. Just be. Sit with the horse… Oh my gosh “Look”, now your horse is relaxing. The animal has no idea you are worried about how you fit on him. He has been all tensed up over whatever it is you see that he does not. You’re the boss. You’re the one who is supposed to be comfortably making the decisions for both of you. You’re not comfortable, so something out there must be dangerous.
I am aware of the tension from the imagined eyes of long ago…waiting, watching, judging, and having such high expectations for another to live up to… This week I have learned to watch my thoughts. It took slowing down, breaking each thought into does this hold true today, does it make me feel better or worse. Who is it that is holding my body prisoner, making me act or behave like this voice in my head? Oh it’s my own voice, I tell it thank you. Then choose otherwise. I became aware of there really are four parts of me. who have been trying to communicate with me. One is my physical that is ever present in getting my attention by how it feels, comfortable or a little uncomfortable, unless I ignore the first signs, then the discomfort becomes bigger. Two is my emotional…all of these thoughts that I have learned to notice. If they are fast, rapid and uncomfortable…it’s my ego. The third part of me my spirit which is this sense of being guided or led. Healthy, comfortable, calm and confident, it’s the real me. Constantly changing, noticing, adapting, and becoming more and more every day.
And the fourth part is my connection,and awareness of Source, the Universe, God. Always patient, all loving, always unconditional, always waiting for me when I get lost, discouraged, or trapped by the habits and understandings taught and shared to me by well meaning others in the myriad of the million thoughts in my head . Who experienced the same things I learned so well, they were told it was right and only way.They did not know or have the desire to be much more or otherwise… I choose to be all I can be. I choose to blaze my own unique trail by trusting and honoring the things that feel comfortable to and for me.
To come to the point this evening of adding something else to my 45 day challenge…I am giving up my need for control… by others opinions and my fears of letting anything just be what it is in a given moment by micro managing it. I know I am changing, day by day, sometimes teeny tiny steps at a time. Just definitely more aware of myself in conversations with others I now find myself editing the conversations before they come out. Totally fascinated at my ability to slow myself down, find my opinions and feelings of what I am thinking, before I speak or respond to an others request, and honor myself in taking my time. I am so doing this!
Life is about being… interested in something enough to want, need or desire to learn more. Being intrigued about any subject one may find themselves reading, studying and then practicing the new knowledge to find the feel of the acquired information enough that it draws one in desiring to know more. In this learning more, one may find oneself doodling, playing, inventing, even creating stories or scenarios with this new field of interest finding a flame of desire that slowly increases as the gathering of more material is acquired. Sometimes to the point that in refining the growing base of understanding in this new source of pleasure the time spent goes from just the occasional thirty minute break, the one to two hour sessions, to seemingly endless hours lost to the casual world so engrossed in the feelings now aroused of a limitless field of possibilities as one continues to hone this craft, game, or sport.
Hours, turn into days finding one’s mind, engrossed with the connection to a deeper part of oneself. Sometimes discovering this need, a desire that burns so very brightly, pulling one in to so connect with the entire feeling of this interest, this passion, this drawing of life’s force through us with this intense joy until every moment of NOW loses the need or awareness to time, as all feels so effortless.
In the last few weeks of my digging out, sorting through and at times almost wrestling with myself in this quest for finding a consistent connection to me feeling good, aware of so many thoughts permeating my mind to the contrary. To find occasional bouts of frustration when I would be on the trail of the latest word or thought that was bound so tightly to a personal habit of angst, when another person or thing would cause me to turn away lose my place to become involved in them instead.
I have cleared a lot that way, though it was not in the best of moods. I felt it frustrating to keep finding myself being called away when I would feel closest to “this” what felt like might be the bottom of the pile. This impossible “one last thing” that would then cause the abundance of life to flow effortlessly to me, rid of my nagging sense of doubt, concern, maybe even worry of ever getting “it” right. Actually found my self stuck on the same level of a game that I frequent and have used as my gauge of progress to win a level when I figure out a reoccurring situation, though this time it has been for over a week and a half. Though several times so sure I had “The Answer” to be interrupted, fail the level and then feel I could stretch my patience… one more time.
I so love my horses and clients! They have helped me to find and realize that so many of the things I find confusing, frustrating, annoying or worrisome… the social way I have been taught to deal with things really isn’t always true or work for everyone. Today the youngest horse in training owner took her first lesson with her horse doing almost everything by herself, including riding her new horse on the first day of the 9th week of training. The humor that found us, as I had to go over the fine points of being in balance with a horse that is learning, and some of the way out words or suggestions I use to keep the owner feeling aware and not thinking about every little thing she was doing. As I know with horses when a human goes to think, they usually hold their breath, tighten up their body and work at getting it right. Which to the horse means, this other being is uncomfortable, I need to be aware and take care of both of us, because to horses/animals in general life is one of two things…Comfortable (everything is okay, we can eat, sleep, play) or Uncomfortable( high alert, pay attention, tense up to faint, freeze, fight or flight.
As I gave the explanation for the 1000th time, it came to me what “I” have been doing to myself. I read, I study, I exam, I dissect, chew on, hold my breath, freeze up, bite my lip, grind my teeth…THINKING and TRYING so very hard to figure me out. When I truly do know better, better than ever in the last few years, there is nothing wrong with me. I am intelligent, but thinking is not being. It is work! Takes effort, I usually ache after I have sat for a long while so engrossed with my picking each little thing that is not working apart, looking for what I could or should do otherwise so things will be right.
Right? When?Tomorrow, really never comes. It is always now. The animals know this. They don’t think about anything other than now, not yesterday, not tomorrow. Just right here in the present moment. They give us the gift of “Being Present…RIGHT NOW!” They have thousand of years of instincts guiding them. They trust their gut, they don’t think what to do. They are hardwired to feel for the each and every moment.
When I play with my ponies, I ask, wait, watch for the telltale sign of them “being” with me. So that we can dance, play, run, spin, walk, pleasurably spend time together, when I will suddenly glance at my watch time has just magically disappeared, to find me and the horse relaxed, successful, breathing. Kind of like writing this blog, whichwas actually started yesterday, several times, a line or two and then…nothing.
Yet 40 minutes ago I made the full realization of how effortlessly it is to just Be ME, pay attention as the myriad of thoughts flit through my mind, live more blessedly by feeling if whatever is going on, whether it is thinking, horses, clients, supper, movies of games. If it feels comfortable, takes no effort, I can get lost just being in the experience…this is what learning to live life really is. If it is uncomfortable, I can pay attention, catch myself thinking too much, then do anything I can to change my focus, to more ease, more flow, more just fully being in the moment…allowing myself to be guided back to the dance of becoming a more truly alive, fully aware me!
Okay I love all of you for your responses, care and support… I have such an incredible new view on the entire path I have been on in this life. Learning one totally incredible, important lesson… No one is bad or mean or whatever… another would choose to label it, because we as people have such a limited view. One of the examples I use when explaining how someone could do whatever another judges as wrong is… If you grow up in a house where stealing and lying is the only thing you are exposed to as the way life is… it is not wrong…it is life. Unless you learn or experience “through the path of least resistance” some other way, and decide it “feels, looks, or seems better” and make the choice to choose otherwise…It is what it is. It is always a choice. Usually to me, three choices: to just be exactly how you are, become much worse, or much better… making a decision, following a desire, or going for a dream. Those are all choices, and without some kind of contrast, we have no way of knowing there are choices.
Until I would come across something that was such a bigger drive or desire than what I was told was right or I was suppose to do. I just helped, existed, lived and thrived in the situation I was in.
At 12 I stood up to my father, for my dog, I bought with my money I had earned, when she was 3 months of age my father was going to send her away to be trained to hunt with his money. I REFUSED, I wouldn’t budge, couldn’t be reasoned with, bribed, yelled at, or intimidated in any way to allow them to send my dog away. I told them I would do it my self, and I did but she wouldn’t hunt for him.
I found a power in standing up for my dog, I did not know! It makes me the incredible person I am now. My parents did the best they could with the understanding and experiences they grew up with and was taught to them. To raise a family, to live life, to expand and grow within the limited sphere of available knowledge at the time.
There is so much expansion in the world today that keeps expanding at an ever increasing incredible rate. People back then, and still now in some places, are taught what is right by the standards of their churches, their schools, their associations and associates mostly because standing out takes “quoting Betty White A brass vagina”
Blame and the excuses so many have been given is so much easier, blame the world, its because I have this problem, there is something wrong with me or the world so I cannot move forward. BS I constantly am blessed with the discoveries of the layers of everyone else “that I consciously allowed” from fear, learning and being taught fitting in was everything!
Not anymore, now when I write I do so to sort the latest place I find myself in. Many times extremely fascinated with how I will have an entire blog in my head, to find mere smidgens of it actually on the page. But all of that is okay, I usually need what appears just as much as the people who read and share with me their recognition in reading my words.
I love each and everyone who finds their way to my blogs. I know you have found your way here when you asked so poignantly to God, the Universe, or Source some question with such huge desire for an answer that it led you here to read and have show up in your own mind either “the answer” or parts of an answer that may take you to the desire you cherish more than you might even know to set yourself free to be you. Exactly like you are, tye died, green hair, blue jeans, boots, a nose picker, beer drinker or sweet tea, a cocktail, diet food or fast food. You have just this immense desire to be totally who you are and are now willing to fully claim it.
Because I am! The little me, always has loved horses, animals, outside, the dirt, blue jeans, boots, cowboys, sharing, teaching, trying something different, having fun, and experiencing the moment… I bless each of you to follow or find that feeling inside you!
Feels like an entire year has gone by since the last time I sat down to write out my thoughts as I muddled through this last week of trying several times to clear this belief that has “wait”ed me down my entire life. Each time thinking I had found the bottom layer of this tightly packed, deeply ingrained, well beaten in habit of thinking then acting, I would find then find the same frustrating scenario to tackle once again. So I trudged on, determined to let the little me free who has stood frozen in fear of repercussion lest I move to suddenly and unleash the ire of another human being for being in the wrong place at the perfect moment of their intention to be doing or going someplace else.
In my careful unraveling of the many different layers of this puzzling dilemma of not knowing exactly which way up might be. I came across several interesting threads of information which I would first perceive as the total solution, until the next minor implosion would occur.
The first of these was my becoming aware of how thoroughly I had been schooled to believe if I do everything according to the rules…things must change and if they do not… then something out there must be at fault. So when for what felt like the hundredth time in my years of having kids, once again the job assigned to them had been only partially completed and I found myself calmly figuring out how I would do it next time. Realizing my fault in all of this was the expectation of them living up to their promise of compliance, given under the pretense to get their way at the moment of the conversation.
I saw the millions of times that I would change, bend, and allow myself the opportunity to find an easier better way, both in the completion of the job and the way to state the desired results. I was to blame, because I was not allowing their growth in figuring out the solution and finishing the work completely on their own. Feeling so stuck in the time constraint of the arrival of clients and the needs of the animals. I had allowed them to train me to do all of their work and thinking for them.
So I let that sink in, changed my expectations for me. Rearranged the rules and had sort of satisfactory results for a day or two. Before I encountered the same problem again, multiplied by ten, with even less done, more anger, and tons of frustration over being patient and trying to understand. Which lasted long enough to cause mouth ulcers from held back venting, that I can attest to, honestly go away when one finally lets loose and becomes assertive as to whose responsibilities belongs to whom. As I handed my son the total of monies he earned for the days chores, minus the cost of my time finishing them… his twenty cents equaled one package of Ramen soup.
Then this morning found an even larger discrepancy between what was promised and what was delivered. To find me staring aghast, with the evidence so firmly in my face as he began to explain the reasons for my completely blown expectations, which as he talked I suddenly saw my entire childhood, my teen years, all the way up to the present moment. Completely exposed for sham of lies I had been taught and bought into as a little girl, and even now as I have allowed this behavior to control my current life… by re-teaching it to my kids. I just bawled, tapped, cried, allowed the long shouldered belief to be picked up, examined, thoroughly sized up, then reached up and cut the long tentacles from the nerves they had been so tightly grown in to.
Taking all this blame for when things go wrong; because others have complete amnesty from any wrong doing with the excuses they have been allowed to believe give them the rights to behave or do the things they do. The list well laid out in front of me by an earlier viewing from a teacher friend of a comedy video of a parent/teacher meeting where little Johnny has ADHD, attention disorders, bi-polar, he is to smart, an athlete, etc. etc. etc. Adding to that the numerous ones I have heard this last week with others deciding against a divorce or break up, cause their loving other: drinks, has blackouts, didn’t mean it, has job problems, bad bosses, etc. etc. etc.
Seems I have attracted these eye opening experiences of giving permission by my learned habit of “having to hear them out first”. I have this wide open door with foot prints all over the little me in the middle. A tiny little child, who until just a year or two back, jumped in a reactive self-preservation stance whenever things happened to fast, waiting to see or hear an explanation, before quickly fixing the problem. I have done a lot to uncover, learn to assert, and allow myself to have a life that I enjoy. Now I am learning how to actually live in a fashion, that I truly used to believe only happened to and for others.
I own the fact I caused all of this, it was what I was taught by well-meaning others, who had it taught to them. All of it truly done with the best of intentions. Just thankfully I have cooked, cleaned, repaired, and restarted enough animals, recipes and places to know things can be changed and made better, as long as we know what we don’t like and are willing to admit it’s our responsibility to do something different. We are only stopped when we look outside of our self to someone else for the final say over the answer that works best for us. I owe to me to pay attention, take my time to truly feel for what is right for me, and change anything I desire otherwise!
A week of integrating and discovering more deeper levels of myself as I sift through the moments of the last 7 days of the adventure of my life always leading me to finding doors long closed by old ideas and beliefs shared by caring others for my own good. Which in this last week I have paused to actually stop and fully exam not only the belief, but the timing of where I was at mentally and emotionally that might have caused me to misconstrue what was originally intended. Many times extremely surprised how sometimes just a casual sounding or meant remark at the most inopportune time can cause such long linger grief. Self-sabotage to one person in a state of defense, from another only guarding their own precarious hold on their own sense of worth.
Allowing me an attempt to more understand the few still stuck places that have held the doors so tightly bound by fears of back lashes from situations that happened such an extremely long time ago. Just brought more to my awareness in the passing of three longtime friends, two of those within days of each other, and the last service showed me the key to what had felt like an almost impossible task. As I watched all of these people gather to share their remembrances, talking in small groups of family, friends, people supporting the grieving and children playing as they wait to be gathered to go home.
Each group holding an entirely different energy and belief depending upon their view of life up till this point, with some finding new strengths, some suffering souls are pounding the depths of sorrow, and some just filling up with food. I listened to several tales of his last few days, amazed at the different descriptions which were contained in the emotion the story teller was deep in the grip of. After I chanced upon several old time friends who gave their reasons for things to happen as they did, leaving me with a cauldron of brewing thoughts when I left and headed back home.
I spent the next couple of days on a roller coaster as waves of thoughts from my past, my old beliefs, and my ever expanding awareness to there being so much more to life than I was originally led to believe as a child. Schooled into me as a teenager, drummed into me in college, and taught to me through the many rules of jobs and relationships, until the year I became ill. Which now in looking back I am aware it was the only way source/God/Universe could answer my questions as to why did life seem so hard, why was love such a battle and what more could I do to find the place of love that I found when I would go outside, with the animals and nature.
In being sick, so sick of how things were, how much I hurt, how much I so struggled to understand… I went within. I tapped, I talked, I read, I did everything I was told to do to fix it. I exhausted every part of me and in an extreme need for relief from this inferno of confusion… I went outside and asked the horses to help me.
Almost 5 years later after turning loose and letting go of so many beliefs of others. Losing countless friends, animals, places of residence and a variety of jobs to finally, comfortably I find an answer I can live with and works perfectly for me. It is not others I look to for love, answers, or permission any more. I now know giving my life away…happens the moment I say no to me and yes to someone else first.
I have been waiting/weighting for permission to be me. I have expected permission to be granted for millions of things I do because it has been trained into me to fit in. I know that my dog waited till he knew I was going to be okay, I sat and talked with him, told him I loved him to much to make him suffer getting older just so I would have his companionship. I heard the story of my friend’s death who went in to the hospital from a fall, stuff was found, more tests were run and after the final results were told to him, he checked himself out, went home and died.
To give the power of my life away because another says their opinion is law, the truth. Afraid not, not for me, I have gone to many places, seen to many things that defy what many call law. I remember a story of some man having an incredibly cluttered desk and someone quoting to him “ a clutter desk, shows a cluttered mind”. So this person went searching till he found someone famous, that he appreciated who thought, lived and proved otherwise; Winston Churchill “An empty desk, shows an empty mind”. So I know about our own personal power, do we wait for approval to ride the icy slide as it slowly melts away, or do we dive off to have an exhilarating experience… for us. I choose to defy someone else’s odds of how it should be and now live my life freely, my way with the choices that resonate and feel right for me!