Waiting = Weighting for Permission
A week of integrating and discovering more deeper levels of myself as I sift through the moments of the last 7 days of the adventure of my life always leading me to finding doors long closed by old ideas and beliefs shared by caring others for my own good. Which in this last week I have paused to actually stop and fully exam not only the belief, but the timing of where I was at mentally and emotionally that might have caused me to misconstrue what was originally intended. Many times extremely surprised how sometimes just a casual sounding or meant remark at the most inopportune time can cause such long linger grief. Self-sabotage to one person in a state of defense, from another only guarding their own precarious hold on their own sense of worth.
Allowing me an attempt to more understand the few still stuck places that have held the doors so tightly bound by fears of back lashes from situations that happened such an extremely long time ago. Just brought more to my awareness in the passing of three longtime friends, two of those within days of each other, and the last service showed me the key to what had felt like an almost impossible task. As I watched all of these people gather to share their remembrances, talking in small groups of family, friends, people supporting the grieving and children playing as they wait to be gathered to go home.
Each group holding an entirely different energy and belief depending upon their view of life up till this point, with some finding new strengths, some suffering souls are pounding the depths of sorrow, and some just filling up with food. I listened to several tales of his last few days, amazed at the different descriptions which were contained in the emotion the story teller was deep in the grip of. After I chanced upon several old time friends who gave their reasons for things to happen as they did, leaving me with a cauldron of brewing thoughts when I left and headed back home.
I spent the next couple of days on a roller coaster as waves of thoughts from my past, my old beliefs, and my ever expanding awareness to there being so much more to life than I was originally led to believe as a child. Schooled into me as a teenager, drummed into me in college, and taught to me through the many rules of jobs and relationships, until the year I became ill. Which now in looking back I am aware it was the only way source/God/Universe could answer my questions as to why did life seem so hard, why was love such a battle and what more could I do to find the place of love that I found when I would go outside, with the animals and nature.
In being sick, so sick of how things were, how much I hurt, how much I so struggled to understand… I went within. I tapped, I talked, I read, I did everything I was told to do to fix it. I exhausted every part of me and in an extreme need for relief from this inferno of confusion… I went outside and asked the horses to help me.
Almost 5 years later after turning loose and letting go of so many beliefs of others. Losing countless friends, animals, places of residence and a variety of jobs to finally, comfortably I find an answer I can live with and works perfectly for me. It is not others I look to for love, answers, or permission any more. I now know giving my life away…happens the moment I say no to me and yes to someone else first.
I have been waiting/weighting for permission to be me. I have expected permission to be granted for millions of things I do because it has been trained into me to fit in. I know that my dog waited till he knew I was going to be okay, I sat and talked with him, told him I loved him to much to make him suffer getting older just so I would have his companionship. I heard the story of my friend’s death who went in to the hospital from a fall, stuff was found, more tests were run and after the final results were told to him, he checked himself out, went home and died.
To give the power of my life away because another says their opinion is law, the truth. Afraid not, not for me, I have gone to many places, seen to many things that defy what many call law. I remember a story of some man having an incredibly cluttered desk and someone quoting to him “ a clutter desk, shows a cluttered mind”. So this person went searching till he found someone famous, that he appreciated who thought, lived and proved otherwise; Winston Churchill “An empty desk, shows an empty mind”. So I know about our own personal power, do we wait for approval to ride the icy slide as it slowly melts away, or do we dive off to have an exhilarating experience… for us. I choose to defy someone else’s odds of how it should be and now live my life freely, my way with the choices that resonate and feel right for me!