My awareness of all of the messages, signs, my blocking of it and of all of this jumbling of thoughts of the last few year hundred years in my mind. I have had some totally incredible things happen to me in my life that usually follow some completely impossible circumstances. Though there are not a lot of people or if in reality any one that I can truly talk to or discuss this with. Mostly because in the times I have tried to share any of this before it has seemed like my undoing. To the point of at times I have completely walked away from it, so totally sure that I was the cause of the deaths and disasters that followed.
Yet tonight I have found myself in this place of peace and understanding mixed with a little bit of confusion as I am trying to now find my balance in where I am at, who I truly am and what is the role I am supposed to be doing. What purpose or mission did I come down here to do?
Just finished watching a movie about healing and it opened the doorway to tons of stuck and unanswered questions that I have desired answers to and yet have locked myself away from the answers getting to me. I have been massively split over this internal battle that has become bigger every time I shared this with someone who then seemed to be trying to use it for their gain.
I know there is a man out there who is supposed to be here with me to assist in all of this. Yet there is this huge wall of uncertainty as to how to let go to allow things to become the agreement I took about the role I am to play in this lifetime. I felt the split today of trying to fit in, playing roles out of habit, watching myself, then sense, feel and react through each situation. Fascinated that I can and am making decisions more consciously, yet in awe of which step I then take.
There seems to be a raging war going on inside of me like if I was an addict to the safety of what I have been told, so afraid to let myself just be led by the energy I can feel and hear around me. Though I don’t allow myself to truly tune it in, I so much more let it get a little bit loud, a little bit flowing. Then slam the door, run, hide, get in the corner and wait till it passes.
I have found myself comparing where I am at with others, and if I am going to fast, advancing to quickly, I slow up, and wait/weight for them to catch up. I turn down opportunities, that I sense would make things fall into place faster, because of being afraid of getting caught…again.
This entire letter came pouring out yesterday when I felt trapped inside my head with all the should of, could of and how’s. I have immersed myself in tons of literature, speakers, videos, healing modalities and information about how another does things, getting further and further away from my truth for me. To feel I have aged tremendously in the last few years from running away from my true self.
And somehow I sensed in telling this to another who is has nothing to gain from me in my sharing to them. This might be the best way to acknowledge my desire to finally let go… and just “be ME”, the one I have been keeping a tight lid on.
Seems my biggest fears are of not fitting in, being shunned because I cannot teach or fix another to just be themselves and find their own unique passions . There is this feeling of being so incredibly different than I currently allow. There is so much more of me… and yet I am unsure/afraid of how it will be, much less feel to just let it happen.
To come to the point this evening of adding something else to my 45 day challenge…I am giving up my need for control… by others opinions and my fears of letting anything just be what it is in a given moment by micro managing it. I know I am changing, day by day, sometimes teeny tiny steps at a time. Just definitely more aware of myself in conversations with others I now find myself editing the conversations before they come out. Totally fascinated at my ability to slow myself down, find my opinions and feelings of what I am thinking, before I speak or respond to an others request, and honor myself in taking my time. I am so doing this!