Word Processing and Micro Managing…
This post has been over a month in the manifestation of due to my previous inability to start on this tale to suddenly finding a total other story making its way on the page in front of me. Allowing me to slowly, deliberately, sense for the feeling of am I there yet? With the answer coming from my gut in a resounding no, not yet, not even close enough to feel comfortable in sharing with myself, much less the world, these mysterious ways that words can enslave us.
Though never is the actual fault found in the word itself, in the way it is spelled or in the way the word is used. I have discovered that the problem for me is more of how “I” understand what I think is being said, by my interpretation from previous experiences, the inflections of my listening, where I am at when being told and how I feel about the person or source of information. Perfectly shown to me by my recent client in a discussion over a show I had gone to watch about dock dogs and she piped in how she had the book from the author of “Doc Dogs” at home. I asked what the specialized training might be for the dogs. She looked at me puzzled, as she explained it was probably whatever illness the vet was working on at the time. Where I realized there was a miscommunication, explained the set up for the show with the large swimming pool, and she laughed to add that her book was from a vet’s years of practice. Same sounding word, two totally contrasting stories, and understandings.
Allowing me to know I was on the right track in the clean-up work I have been doing. There are so many words over the years that I have been discovering have hidden agendas, prejudices, reactions, and I have uncomfortable feelings toward. Yet they are just words that somebody used or taught meant only whatever connotation was allowed or important at that time. I have been fascinated with how very stuck in my craw and scary an old adage had become as I lovingly started feeling in my gut first for the matching thought in my head. Becoming more and more aware of what an awesome student I was from whoever held my attention long enough to get me to buy whatever they were selling, because they were bigger, older, more demanding or authoritive than me. The control of my life giving or taken away at times…because someone else said it was right. Growing up in an age of not being allowed to question what others were saying because they loved us and knew what was best for us, because that was what was taught and expected of them.
I am aware of how strong those teachings were as I continue to relearn, reeducate myself in dealing with others in a more understanding fashion, as I am slowly teaching myself to breathe first. Then feel how the thought in my head feels, comfortable, or uncomfortable. Slowing down to feel and choose the most comfortable has proven to be changing my life, though it has caused me to be aware of how much of my life use to be lived on autopilot. Doing any and everything on a list someone else would give me. Running like a squirrel stuck on a wheel, completing, checking, adjusting, moving, looking for a hint of approval, and then adding whatever else was expected to the list when no approval was forth coming.
To find in the last few weeks, tons of improvements showing up everywhere here… yet I felt this uneasiness when I would notice what wasn’t done. So I would revamp my list, get several things humming along, feel the discomfort, add more to the list… round and round as the wheel began to get faster again… Till luckily this morning’s lesson was having trouble with her horse getting totally into her space, and as I was explaining a third way to deal with it… I heard myself tell her “she was pulling the horse in by micro-managing the lead rope” giving the horse no ability to choose where it could or couldn’t go.
Eureka… I knew that answer was meant for me. I have been “trying” to micro-manage the Universe, my son, my animals, yes even trying to manage the wicked wind that I finally surrendered to and took my sign down to get it mounted to a good solid base, instead of the flimsy one I have been getting by with. But it is all okay. It is perfect. Without all of these “problems” I have no idea how long I would have continued before I figure out this pattern of having to be right, correct or perfect. Instead of just being… alive, moving, changing, adapting, discovering and creating a more enjoyable and comfortable me to live with, my way, my choices, my ideas, my comfortable, breathing, feeling, sensing self…Sigh!!