A Little Birdie Told Me…
Tonight I find there is this part of me that has long been under wraps, held down, bound tightly by the slightest indication that I have might have offended someone again… by being me.
This me of decades of writing, imagining, dreaming, desiring and just plain old wanting… many times dashed upon the shoreline of someone elses “you can’t truly mean that”.
But even though I do, I then quickly pull the shades, dim the lights, quiet the sounds of the softly burning embers, so quick to tidy up any and all signs of any fire activity. Lightly bounding about, like a playful kitten, any signs of anguish and crying, so easily hid behind the mask of its okay, I understand, I will be better, I will behave.
Just not tonight, I’ve gotten this far, so close, I can sense he’s near. Not just right here, held still at a distance from my vibration of the rules. The by-laws of fitting in, to become whatever the latest trend, story, product, or best seller which is making all the headlines. The mountain of money made from advertisers helping others to make decisions from their head…not their gut.
Tonight I feel, sense, suspect and know I am just moments away from truly letting all of the rest of the world off the hook. I am perfect at enjoying whatever it is I am doing. In writing and sharing whatever actually and easily comes flowing out of my mind onto the printed page, word by word, without any editing…till my heart stops pounding, pulsing, racing the words so quickly through my head on to screen. There is no actual thinking when I am writing like I am tonight. The words just form and go flowing in long, deliberate sentences making sense in a spectacular fashion that seems to allow all of the bound up energy of undigested thought an outlet out into the world.
Where I find myself when I am done, going back to read and make sense of what my insides are trying to make known to me. As the stream picks up steam, causing me to find I am not breathing comfortably, as I find I am holding my breath. I feel my throat becoming dry, my lips becoming parched, much like if I am running from something or someone. Like if the word were to get out who or what it is I actually seek, I would be banished back to my tiny space in the back room. Out of sight, only needed or necessary when there is a list of chores to do, work to be accomplished or someone else who needs to be taken care of.
This writing tonight is extremely fast, accurate, honest and inspiring to me. Because I am not editing, just allowing all of me to be bare-ass naked and open. Out front, alive, moving, no longer stagnant in the pool of others reflections upon the water, mirroring back to me their opinions.
I had a fantastic day today. I asked the Universe and then thought about taking a lesson from a lady I have great respect for, to find answers to the last few pieces of doubt I have over my riding position. To then find my body showing me whilst I was giving a lesson an hour later, to the young lady aspiring toward learning to run competitively. I was demonstrating the pattern to her at a lope, when I felt my body showing and suggesting a few simple, suddenly obvious to me answers. Since we had the time and I was still out there on the pattern. I turned my horse around, realigned him up and allowed him to breeze back through as I was implementing and feeling the results all at the same time. Eureka, it was easy, so almost effortless, so fast, so smooth… such a perfectly rewoven tapestry of all of the pieces I have taken completely apart, examined, carefully felt and then sensed each ones perfect alinement for me.
I was allowing my afternoon route to just be… when I spotted a hawk on the power-lines. I heard the thought; how do birds find their mates? To then hear the answer “they allow their instincts to guide them” they do not think to ask a friend, take out an add, get advice from some column. They trust, feel inside for what and where to go. I am so ready to now allow the tapestry of my new relationship with life, the man, my family, the horses, friends, clients, associates and the world to become the reality I have dreamed about and never truly acted upon completely in my own best interest before. I believe thinking is to much work. I am now being my own touchstone, guided by my heart, gut instinct and intuition to assist me in every tiny detail of living my life, fully, completely in love and in touch with “all” of me.