I have been pondering on the few places I still have this feeling of stuckedness and like many things which happen for me these days. I was led to watch two movies yesterday, when in almost getting to the end of the first movie “Amazing Racer” the young lady and then her mom were so distraught over the lies about each other having died years ago, which they had been told and been living by till the present learning of each others alive existence. I felt this complete upheaval course right through me of my constant living down and suppressing my biggest desire… so I tapped, got calm and finished the movie.
To be drawn to then watch “The Mistle-tones” and have another internal wakening of the same truth about me and how I have managed to even in the present day allow others, perplexingly enough, still have such seemingly easy access to cause the why I do what I do. Curious as to the common denominator, also known as the big machine of habit that still was silently running in my background, and as I pondered on possibilities I felt this incredible tiredness sweep over me.
Knowing my body was trying to communicate with me, I got up, turned down the temp, turned on my bed, did my stretches, got comfortably situated in bed, added a few lines to my nightly steps to move toward list, turned on a comfortable meditation tape and went to sleep.
To wake up groggily, hours later, staring at a time of 5:38 on the clock, feeling out of step with the morning and the present moment of what is going on? When I came to full awareness that I had not set my alarm for my am route drive. So began this quick start morning, shower, dressed, truck started, hair, makeup, wallet, my morning drink, still out the door and on time for my route. Though I had this feeling of something following me in my mind, which caused me to start tapping on this confusion of not being centered, not really being open to know, find and realize all of the views of me I have yet to fully recognize, so hidden, afraid to come out to be shut away again and ignored.
The ride seemed short, uneventful, as the tapping did help to sort of release the uneasy earlier feeling, and there were some fleeting ideas of interest. Yet I still felt on the move, close, yet in need of some missing pieces. I added the word “help” to my to do list as I parked the bus. With this rumbling sensation of turmoil of too close to the truth to be safe feeling… and the first of several text messages came through on my phone. As my friend it seemed, was pondering the same sort of unanswered, uncomfortable questions about “love, God, work, right, wrong and truth”. Which we then texted back and forth about for an hour or so, sort of just throwing more stuff on the pondering pile, until the immense feeling of tiredness over took me again. I decided a nap for the answers was in order, by first making sure I added that exact thought to my list, as I drifted easily to sleep.
The awakening of the answers so easily poured out of my mind into my now more comfortable feeling body. I just sat down and wrote the reasoning’s I feel words can so keep one stuck in a circumstance such as: What if the words that stick or suck for us, is because of what we have been taught and shown that word means is true for the person who told us “their idea of love is… pain, suffering, giving, sacrificing, etc. etc. etc.” and we live with that because it is all we know, we love them, they show us their truth is real by exemplifying that exact behavior.
So we are now stuck, until we can see or experience it in other ways, by other people, who view it differently. Maybe that is why so many words are uncomfortable to so many. They have been overused, or taught to others to have totally different meanings, and what one person says, is not the same as another understands, or even what the first person meant. Kind of like I do when I write. I use God, The Universe, Source, to convey the unconditional love feeling I have had the wondrous experience of a few times in my life.
I know some of the various teachings and teachers I have enjoyed listening and learning from to increase my own understandings, such as Abraham stays away from the word God… Because of all the different meanings the word god has been given…I know/ suspect that is why they talk about just the simple feeling good or bad, as luckily we all know and can feel the variances of those two.
Just as I become more clear of Who I truly am, I am becoming more and more aware of the trap that words do to me… because of what I have experienced and understood in the past over what a particular word might mean. As I become clearer, and freer with my feelings around particular long held beliefs, I have discovered how much of life I have held at a distance from others trying to help me see things from where they have stood or are standing. Though as I am learning to re/think and re-choose what a word might now mean to me, always open to the possibility that too could change again at some future time to come.
Kind of like the realization that came to me this weekend, that were I to re-meet Donnie (the cowboy I was friends with, had a terrific crush on in college, till my parents look of disapproval) … Unless he continued to grow after our freshman year when I last saw him, like I did. He might be only about 5-9 or so, shorter than the man that occasionally appears in my fantasies. Because I grew almost 3 more inches from when I was 18 till I turned 21 to my current height of almost 6 ft.
So I now know why the pen can be mightier than the sword, why we should be sure our words our sweet, because tomorrow those words we might have to eat. But the feeling of freedom is growing day by day. I listen to the wisdom of my horses “trusting my gut”… which so beats the rattling of words in my mind I might not fully yet understand or comprehend how another intends them, from the meanings I might have yet to re-learn or comprehend in another way from my past. I am so now more easily moving forward with each step I now choose to take!