Seems like the gel time in my thoughts from the start of this blog in my mind almost a week ago, kind of got stuck in that funny stage of… no not yet, almost there, oops, no this other one first, then another, till finally a little while ago I felt the center of the pool of goo that has been slowly trying to set, and voila… now it flows easily out onto the page. I am giving myself permission to be okay with this too.
I have had these ever increasing bouts of tiredness and occasional pains as I was trying to come to a comfortable medium with me over what all of these symptoms from within my body, has been trying to communicate with me. Especially since each of the various aches or sensations I could easily figure out on their own.
Such as: first one of my horses shows up a little lame on the right, then a second horse gashes open his left foot, till finally I get myself stepped upon and bruised all the way from my ankle to heel. To then be blatantly asked after I have been working all day, then bruised, aching and hurt… “Mom, what are you fixing for supper?”
I then knew that I was allowing others to walk all over me if I was fully engaged in something else and then stopped to tend to their request. Even in as simple a way as stopping to answer a question, or pointing out an obvious answer that I knew they knew better than come ask me.
The other aches and pains usually followed the path of my not seeing another as capable as they could be to finish some chore or task completely. It seemed such a pain for them to try to do it better than expected. Same as the suddenly feeling extremely tired, over exhausted, just wanting to crawl deep under the covers and sleep the nagging feeling off. Till I realized it was just my body trying to get me to see the round cage I had trapped myself in, of doing certain things the same way, seeing the same answer, and struggling with the exact same results. To being so worn out, I wasn’t looking up to see there was no real top on the cage. There were rails on the side walls that at any time I could have climbed up, over and out. Except for I was having this huge dilemma of not seeing there was such an easy tool I could utilize, untill I had the last three days of lessons.
Where in each of my students would get to a certain place of frustration, trying too hard, and so good at beating themselves up for things not working out at home. Though they were telling me of the things that were getting easier, I could see so much progress and hear so much of the joy as they would discuss the fun of enjoying the changes that they were experiencing. With my ever present attention to the way they were handling the horse as they were telling about the issue they could not find an answer to. As I watched their body language showing how they were stuck, the answer they needed usually as simple as how they were holding the reins, the rope or their body. They were stuck by perfectly mimicking the exact moves they had been shown or taught.
And it struck me that once again the answer they needed was the exact one I had been searching for…
The permission to try something, anything and everything different, than what had been taught or shown them. By getting creative, shorten the rope, sit taller, slump, turn sooner, later, move the objects, discover if there was glue on their fingers holding the reins to their skin. By getting them first aware, then laughing, then to have them play with the tools they had, look around to see what could be moved, or rearranged. Watch the horse, play with how they were standing, or the aura they were projecting.
Mostly just giving themselves permission to have fun with this, even if there was a possibility I might write about it. I am good about keeping who secret, being way to aware this is just as much about me, as it is about them. Because I know we are all mirrors to each other of what is going on in our lives. And this giving one’s self permission, is truly an important thing. As I realize now how most of my life, if I was given a list for another, I would accomplish it all.
Of course I would, if it kept someone else happy, I was not in the limelight, main spotlight, could not be nailed for whatever was wrong. Plus it explains why I have been so lifelong patiently waiting for my turn. I had been “it”, chief player in the who was to blame.
But no more… I now give myself full permission to play. To be first, to have it my way, to love, smile, laugh, cause joy, spread craziness, just muck around if I want to. I can now choose it all or none, a little or a lot. I give myself full permission to come out and be me… No Matter What! And it feels fantastic… waiting really does have a sweet pay off!