Monthly Archives: April 2013
This has been a long week or so of introspection and self-discovery in my having several doors closed (albeit at the time felt like rudely slammed) in my face, though each with a golden window of opportunity to discover my long standing (in my mind) stuckedness (a word my computer still argues about the existence of). And as per usual as is my mode of operation… I would pick the phrase that most quieted the now much smaller voices in my head “everything is just fine, things always work out for me, I know I am being guided” to having what seemed like there is no answers to be found… easily work themselves out.
I diligently continued to live, train, drive and attempt to write out the seemingly simple new possibilities and ideas that would find their way into my trains of thoughts. Though giving me relief for a few hours or until I came to sit down to write which just hours ago seemed like the answer I was in search of. Until I stopped first to check emails, then peruse through Facebook for added confirmation and feel good posts. This would then find me back attempting the same game, befuddled by the lack of commitment to the wondrous ideas of earlier, which still made sense but felt more like just the tip of the probe in getting to the real heart of the issue.
No desire to write, to commit thought to page or even open my writing section. I would just play, sometimes loosing completely, accumulate the points to the first, sometimes second level and still not feel any desire to move. All my motivation seemed stalled, hinging on something so close I could feel it, almost gripping my left arm in a pull from some time long ago, something from somewhere in my past holding on to me, with this tenseness as if I was stepping into real deep, unknown, almost a betrayal of all that I had been taught, schooled and learned. So instead I would play, lose, wandering in my mind, do my driving, all in an almost lack luster fashion, except for…
My riding, the place I go, get lost, can spend hours, alive, vibrant, relishing the horses responding and reacting to me and with me. The constant interchange from my marvelous friends, who keep alive, active and aware in me the constant differences to be found in each moment and with each individual animal as I played, rode and worked with becoming a better partner with them. Especially since this last Monday when I was graced with my third horse in this last year of a completely clean slate, never being saddled, ridden or handled except for the few basics of groundwork another 4 year old, this one an almost 16 hands Gypsy Drum.
Who within the first hour of playing with him, he learned to be saddled, to follow my feel and even allowed me to mount up, on and off several times from both sides. With each day adding a bit more, such as the first few walking steps, then completely around the round pen by Tuesday. Trotting a full circle in both directions, with stops at the shift of my seat, turns from the cues of my knees by Wednesday. Completely disengaging and moving faster or slowing down all with just a halter by Thursday. Ending the week with the owner present on Friday for both in and out of the round pen handling and riding. They were pleased, I was having so very much fun, all aware of this too meant something with these rolling set of unanswered questions to the solutions I could feel all around me, yet not quite put my fingers on.
I had learned the site which got me started in writing out my dreams and ideas was closing. I had the oldest person as of yet to start lessons at age 75 have a blast with her granddaughter at first concerned about this taking on learning about horses, with a cane, and her granny’s other physical limitations. Commenting what she herself had learned and how well her grandmother did in finding new ways to view the use of her cane and her body to have the horse respond safely, comfortably and easily, especially after watching her slower gaited grandmother leading the horse back, with the horse moving just as slowly, listening and respecting my newest student.
So the weekend went with me still kind of comfortably struggling, playing the same game, perusing the internet, with no real defining thought or ideas to direct my inquiring mind causing me to close it out, and open my solitaire games… win one, move to the next, win, and move. After several different types I came upon the one type I could not win so I turned off the computer and went to bed comfortably assured I would find the answer.
Waking up to find my son feeding as I had slept in, got up, made coffee, came in to check my email, to discover the solitaire game still open. I selected a new game and allowed myself to really slow it down, step, by step, finding the feeling of each and every move first. Seeking, finding, feeling, then sensing the thoughts that came together in tiny, small fragments… the pieces I had been searching for, forming in my mind, the answer had so carefully found my way to.
The rules of my life are of my own making. They are my choices. They only apply to me. I can bend them, flex them, use them or change them. I am no longer afraid to look at “others rules” as tools that might be of use for me, now or later… they are not laws that apply to every given circumstance.
Seems I have been stuck in this whirlpool of thoughts handed down to me over the years by so very many well-meaning people of what I “must, should, ought to, have to, and am expected to do” so I will be my best in their idea of the “my world”. My growing up religious teachings, the schools I have attended, the clinics, books, courses, teachers I have amassed, many of them meaning well in their attempts to teach and share what has worked for them. So many trying to make things easier for others in explaining the “rules” (a word to me that means hard, absolute, sovereign) reinforced by the taking away of any certifications awarded if I color outside of their lines.
Horses and in my learning and sharing with others have taught me… everything is unique, different sizes, taste, moves, expressions, and uses, all having their places at some time, in some fashion, apart, but still connected. All things, people, ideas, places, and opportunities fit together as tools to be used, now, later, for fun, work, money, opportunity, to eat, to run, to walk, to play, or to be stored … as we each first find free flowing flexible friendly feelings for our life. Baby steps to movement forward, slowly incrementally increasing our speed as we become comfortable being fully capable, all feeling, thinking, and responding as our total self.
As there is a whole world out there clamoring for my attention, all this information pushing to get me to listen… the thoughts, ideas and opinions helping to shape and guide me in the learning to be true to what feels best for me, first, foremost, and always… in whatever form or fashion is right, perfectly suited and appropriate for me, as me in each and every moment!
I drive for a different school district than my youngest and it seems like years since I have just had a day off with no one around and just allow it to unfold. Wow and actual day off with nothing planned.So I had a great, late, lingering in bed meditation and then wandered in to check my emails, sifted through Facebook, espied “the game” figuring I would just play for five lives.
To find myself an hour and a half later caught up in the conversation going on in my head of how to accrue the needed points to get the third star. Discovering all of these tools I have for manifesting and accomplishing things, being handed to me for me to use, get the feeling of, then discard and move to the next, as fast as I could think. All the while this discussion of ideas and possibilities was going on, I noticed how not totally focused on the task at hand I truly was. I was in a dialogue with my own mind.
Which once I noticed what was going on, I could feel my body relax as if to play along with me getting my own attention all sorted out. So I took a breath and felt my gut for advice… to find this feeling of comfort and ease. My body was allowing me to let go of time, just to be here, on the computer, not really doing anything… just being in the moment. The tension of there being any importance to being anywhere, doing anything, having to accomplish something, or finish the level… all gone, as I discovered the freedom of being with myself in silence… which lasted a lot longer than I was completely aware of as I suddenly found I had done two full rounds, both with in less than500 points of my goal and lives left over.
So I quit and closed it out to go take a shower. To find all of these thoughts and ideas, once again rapidly piecing together in my mind. As I scrubbed off the early morning and I allowed the possibilities to line up in my head. Drying off to grab my camera and snap some quick images that would allow me to show in pictures the ideal description for each chapter of my book. Went to the computer with the card from my camera to download and transfer the marvelously fluid idea into it, but no matter what I did, nothing worked.
It took a full twenty minutes of the slow feeling rise of struggling to catch myself, stop, and focus elsewhere, for my eye to spy the little link thingy with my son’s card still in it. I quickly swapped it out, then fitted it in the correct slot to have the display inform me of the 45 minutes necessary to download all of the photos. I then figured how easily I could now go play with my horses, do some chores and arrange stuff for this evening, as the computer did its thing.
Fascinated with the habit of still attempting to struggle something into place because of the old thought of the time it might take. The time it takes, is the time it takes. Was further demonstrated for me when Freckles, my short horse with the scars of being pushed too hard, to fast, to roughly. Damaged, scared, and fully having had had enough of humans six years ago… walked up to me to be caught, reached his lips out to gently nuzzle my hand for a possible treat and then brought his nose around when asked to either side, just for a soft scratch between his ears. He rode like a little, cocky, I can do whatever you require of me, because I have learned if I freeze in uncertainty of what you are asking… you will slow down and let me figure it out.
I am now doing that for me. Learning to listen for when my mind becomes too full of ideas, possibilities and questions. Slowing it down, shifting its focus, allowing myself to breathe, relax, and find a place of connection between all of the parts of me.
All these pieces and tools, none of them perfect by themselves, none of them working completely alone, none of them the only answer. All of them are parts of the bigger puzzle to who I truly am. All of them worthy, different, real, or imagined… the connective pieces that allow one to be fully alive, learning, discovering, imagining, creating or just living fully in the now. I just love how much easier it all is than I was ever told or imagined. Living fully in the now…totally is amazing!
Last night as I was trying to distract myself again, still stuck on level 14 with those 3000 points just eluding me, I heard this incredible bickering, snippy, aggravating, mean, bitchy, hag inside my head. Admonishing me for each and every move I made, or any person who I espied as choices for friend connections on Face Book.
I heard this voice in my head that was scolding, mean, belittling, annoying, just plain rude, and so uncaring as it presented me with tons of facts from the my past over why I could not, should not or would not ever, ever, fit in or be liked. Even though it took almost an hour or more of playing, loosing, and stubbornly replaying the same level over and over and over, because I knew I was not playing the game so much as I was allowing me to feel for where I was still holding me stuck, still, and frozen.
This was about me… and this constant really, subtle noise in the back of my mind. Which has been there for years, just has become a lot louder and obvious as I cleared out, cleaned up, and sorted through so many of the other layers of beliefs and opinions that no longer work for or serve me. And when I recognized, fully felt, and heard it… the internet froze, I lost connection, allowing me to close the screen and retire to meditate my way through to my dream state and allow the Universe the opportunity to guide me in letting this go.
I drifted off to sleep, waking up late, with a curious dream of lying upside down in a yoga position next to a wall, and selling this man a truck as he sheepishly offered more than I expected or wanted. I began to right myself to make a choice, aroused just enough to sleepily reach for my earphones, turned back on the meditation of change and drift back into the release phase to then wake up feeling comfortably different like I can make conscious decisions of how to respond so much more easily than ever before.
I opened my email allowing myself to be drawn into an ongoing exchange on a horse training site that I frequent, about a young lady making decisions about each of her next steps going forward with this horse she is retraining. In the dialogue exchange she is always very open about what steps she has taken, which resources she has touched upon, and her opinion about how or why she chooses to use or not use a particular source. Always stating her openness to learning the why’s and how’s of others to peruse upon and make more choices as she continues working with this horse.
After reading through the particularly long message digest and copying to my horse info folder any new interesting and possibly useable for later tools of ideas and information. I discovered a newer email just posted from the same sight which included a link to her video of the success of finally connecting up with the horse and having it allow her to lead and touch it.
She had done such a wonderful job, was having so much fun by choosing the tools that worked for her. I just stopped, and sent her a reply of the marvels in her choice of learning, sharing, and the success she now so joyfully had accomplished. With the blessing of continued advancement and achievements in this line of communicating and working with horses she was exhibiting such pleasure in.
I then went on to Face Book, laughing at the humorous postings, re-posting any and all that fit me, or I enjoyed so much I just loved the feeling of sharing them further. Finding two of my friends in that curious state of perplexed confusion of the frustration of having been moving forward to suddenly hit a wall that seemed insurmountable.
I allowed the words to easily roll out from under my fingers of breathing, relaxing,and reminding them of how blessed and deserving they are. God is just helping them to sort out more of what they do want, allowing them to rest, sift through and discard what they don’t. The next step is to relax, realize, consider, and then choose by saying: Thank you, Next… Please! Allowing the Universe to then work its magic of leading them further forward to their dream, minus the unwanted things that moments before they had been holding onto as their only answers.
As I finished all the new fun things on the Face Book page I noticed the voices have been gone, silent, or absent from my immediate presence. So I re-opened my mail site to my emails to find several messages from all of those I had taken the time to acknowledge their wondrous selves, what they had accomplished, and how good it felt to to share in their uniqueness. Which caused this immense quickening within … I have done it. I have gone round the corner to noticing and responding to only the good I notice or see.
I am sharing with others as I open up to truly becoming okay with me. Right here, right now…as I write, play on the computer, enjoying almost each minute of my morning. The bully, skeptic, critic, intolerant, meaning well bitch was not even present. Both of the two times earlier when she started to say something… I stopped, felt around, and chose otherwise. To now find myself almost three hours later, not in a hurry, satisfied and eager for more. I am truly looking forward to the other things I am going to accomplish today. At my own pace, in my own way, from the choice of who I am today. The door to the past of just reacting is closing more and more every day! Sigh…
This has so been the underlying theme of the last few days for me as I am seemingly fine in the simpler task of cleaning, moving, driving, brushing, grooming and extending myself when necessary. Yet there was this decided tiredness that I sort of noticed Sunday after my e-mails and then I visited with friends. It then vanished during the two hour lesson that afternoon. Though it showed up sort of understandably right before bedtime, so I did my stretches, turned on my bed and comfortably dozed off with no lingering unanswered thoughts that needed immediate answers.
Went through my day Monday truly aware of the building heat of the much needed approaching rain, as I tended my chores, before going through my selection of horses starting with Charlie and his return to my riding lineup after re-bandaging his nicely healing wound. Noting how attentive and interested he was in being thoroughly groomed, stretched and introduced to the new patterns, which he easily maneuvered at a walk then trot, with no sign of anything, except his desire to be out doing with me instead of the just being turned out.
Move on to Gidget my little girl, who easily bent, stretched and responded to each cue with a more relaxed being-ness and ease of participation in the smaller circles and bends where I explored my ability to communicate less and less with the reins and bosal. As I continued the dance of ask, respond, ears are where? Ah, there… I received the tip of it extended back to me waiting for the next cue of any leg muscle and her quick reaction to my thoughts as we slowly progressed from a little tension in her to a softness that matched my tempo. Be it fast, slow, forward, back or sideways as we maneuvered through patches of weeds and brush and I felt the sigh of recognition that she is in tune, comfortable and listening to what I ask for.
I move from her to the little horse Freckles to find all of the same steps slowly becoming easier for him as well. Though mentally noting the few stuck places of him trying to rush to what he thought I was going to ask, till he found the comfort of just patient response always guiding and assisting him back to easy, slow…okay steps.
Finding myself with my big horse Revolver, still aware of the tenseness that begins after grooming should anyone begin any steps toward saddling, as I am on heighten awareness of the signs I have to have been missing. I add the blankets one at a time, noting his breathing, eye contact, and body stance. Then the saddle, still paying attention, knowing I am on the right track when I feel his head look away, to be quickly followed by his body starting to curve with his belly toward me, which I address when I notice he tips his ear away first. I moved my hand forward to adjust his lead rope and I am surprised to watch his eyes lock on my hand the minute it moves to proceed up past his jaw toward the bar where he is tied.
I marvel at this movement I have made hundreds of times before, which has him in a total look of discomfort and extreme panic. So for the next thirty minutes I work with nothing except the movement of my hand from my side to forward toward the rope. Incrementally waiting each time till he changes his perception of what will happen. To finally manage to cause a relaxed, comfortable horse with an old fear, now thoroughly dissected and reconstructed, allowing me to finish and have a great ride.
Monday evening then found me browsing on the computer and I went from the high of a deconstructed old problem, to the blasted much more obvious tiredness. Which found me again yesterday, moments after I finished unloading hay, feed, making the rounds, grooming, doctoring and just too exhausted to continue, acknowledging the intense heat of the approaching front and my not taking a day off from horses. Suddenly aware of feeling like I was doing way too much again, what was it I enjoyed so much about this if I was now so incredibly tired?
I went and drove, came in fixed supper, ate, and tried to read, write or just play on the computer. Even taking the time to browse the want ads, maybe a new job or another way to view mine, my life, my goals, my whatever’s. No way, I was all give out, so I stretched, said goodnight to my youngest and went to sleep with full intention of figuring this reoccurring tiredness out. As I dozed off I found myself in this half waking dream of things being decided for me by others in the first part in small stuffed uncomfortable places, and then this luxurious huge, comfortable, round bed, with thick, warm, fuzzy blankets in front of huge, perfectly laid out round stone fireplace, all of these wonderful people working and caring with me together as a team, and I dozed soundly off.
This morning I knew what was going on as I opened my emails and found the perfect letter of confirmation. Which I laughed at the title as I opened it and allowed the first sentence to register inside of me. Feeling the power of no, not now, not tomorrow, not even… I scrolled down the page and found the unsubscribe button clicked on it, followed it up with their desire to know why stating “It’s Uncomfortable” then closed the tab and deleted the email, as I felt this huge weight of indecision lift off of me.
To then have the most incredible, fun lesson with my client as I helped her to find the right feeling decisions for her and her horse on any and every question she asked or that presented itself to be worked through. As we laughed, breathed, and relaxed, several times showing her possibilities and then getting out of the way, watching, listening and encouraging whenever she got stuck and asked for help. Or when things were beginning to re-escalate and a quick reminder or my body movement from the right spot on the go, caused the two to blend and her to feel the comfort and ease. Compared to her trying to think it through. She was experiencing the feeling, the comfortable movement of connection allowing big sighs from both as they relaxed into just being a team.
The tiredness stemming from my discomfort over allowing another’s opinion to shake my ideas of believing what I desire is possible my way. My uncertainty rising to the forefront over the credentials of others with more expertise, verses my gut instinct. My body is tired of me not trusting fully in the wondrous, intelligence that resides with-in me to easily guide me on the right path for me. By truly trusting the two simple feelings: It’s either comfortable or uncomfortable. I know this is so easy, but I still have a slight scrambled bit of that old engine running about listening to others with the distinction being between their ideas/possibilities/probabilities and their opinions/shoulds/rigid/definite. I love the freedom to add stuff to my toolbox, when and how I decide it feels and fits comfortably for me!
I woke up this morning to find myself with this incredible vibrating, bouncing, awake and very much alive energy from the dreams I had last night, which were brought about by the last few things I was viewing, reading, then talking and texting about. Fully aware of all the questions I have been asking the last few weeks and all of the answers that were now so coming fully into my awareness as I am awakening and discovering the me that has been safe fully ensconced behind the mask of uncertainty which frequently still appears frozen in spots on my face.
Though this morning’s barrage of information I almost could not record as fast as it was pouring out of the now almost fully opened door from my past. The very past I have been accused of running away from, trying to escape, and thoroughly avoiding like the plague of disaster I had felt I was to my family, in my total inability to quietly, easily, and correctly fit in. In my constant tendency to run full tilt into one sometimes painful encounter of “you did what, your grounded” after another. All the time being reminded why can’t you be more like your sisters, the occasional mention of how messy, tom boyish, bullheaded, stubborn, totally unpredictable and “who do you think you are”. To remind me there must be something wrong with me, because no matter how hard I would try… the little “brat” in me would escape and run the havoc of playing horsey, jumping over things in horse fashion, only playing with my sisters if I could bring my horse statues and get dirty.
Even being enrolled in tap and ballet so I could have feminine virtues was an interesting test between the older lady assigned to keep all girls returned to their appropriate classes, if found standing on the toilet seats so not to be discovered and sent back. Before I could make my mad dash up the stairs out to the freedom of the outdoors, then down the block to the library, to be later collected by my mother as I was deep in the fantasy dream world of horses, riding, playing, romping out on the plains, in the mountains, or splashing on the shores of the ocean.
Free to be me. Fully loose, engaged in my desires, happily rambling along for hours after the spanking or groundings of who I was going to be and the things I would accomplish. All brought fully home to the very core of me of the slight chance of impossibility in the latest barrage of others attempt to entice me to fit in to the newest, fastest, easiest, most successful way to make money… lots of it… fast. Just not for me,and I can say this with full confirmation that the Universe has my back.
I have become aware of that it pays for me to notice when things come in threes. There is always some piece of information I have asked for, now being presented for me to understand and do more or less with in my further learning about it. This present third attempt had all of the right words put together to cause me to click on the video…which on this particular site finally played all the way through on the third try. Leading me to another video, with me already on the alert the next move would be a choice of ease or discomfort as it began to reveal itself.
I so love my listening to my inner self, because even before the video opened, the headlines on the page were glowing brightly… Stop, delete, this is not for you! So I quickly closed it all out, deleting the other two possibilities, and high fiving myself for noticing and listening to my body in finding which direction I am to now head.
Suddenly so many questions were being answered in rapid succession, now that I had finally found the key to understanding and listening to “all” of me. I realized the reason the different guys I have dated in the past kept coming up. Why old stories and tales would occasionally make themselves known in situations where I would use them to clarify some point. Why I have had so many memories reappear for me to look at, sort and sift through. All of this was so I could find, recognize, validate and love the parts and pieces of all of these that are the truth of and for me.
I so appreciate my good friend whom I have been sharing this journey of discovery together, as I texted her for about the twentieth time last night with all of this information needing out and to be recorded, even though I knew she had already turned off her phone. I know our greatest gift to each other has been to truly listen to what the other one is saying… without condemnation, correction, or opinion. Being a sounding board for each to hear what they think they are saying, repeating statements the other might not even be aware of is coming out of our mouths, allowing the other to go on any kind of tangent of thought or thoughts. Then connecting back the dots to those things that stands out as being more important to either of us than we are aware of because of the constant references to that subject in some form or fashion.
We all need to be supported. Each and every idea is just a little seed that can take us to innumerable places if it is allowed to be planted, nurtured, and encouraged to grow into something bigger, newer, different, beautiful, imaginative and life giving to not only the person who first planted it, but also to all of those whom it touches and causes them to be amazed or inspired into becoming more of themselves in the process. I so love breathing life into ideas and assisting others to find, recognize and kindle their own ideas from a spark to a full flame. I am a sharer, teacher, lover, listener, and recognizer of the worth in each and every one of us!