Last night as I was trying to distract myself again, still stuck on level 14 with those 3000 points just eluding me, I heard this incredible bickering, snippy, aggravating, mean, bitchy, hag inside my head. Admonishing me for each and every move I made, or any person who I espied as choices for friend connections on Face Book.
I heard this voice in my head that was scolding, mean, belittling, annoying, just plain rude, and so uncaring as it presented me with tons of facts from the my past over why I could not, should not or would not ever, ever, fit in or be liked. Even though it took almost an hour or more of playing, loosing, and stubbornly replaying the same level over and over and over, because I knew I was not playing the game so much as I was allowing me to feel for where I was still holding me stuck, still, and frozen.
This was about me… and this constant really, subtle noise in the back of my mind. Which has been there for years, just has become a lot louder and obvious as I cleared out, cleaned up, and sorted through so many of the other layers of beliefs and opinions that no longer work for or serve me. And when I recognized, fully felt, and heard it… the internet froze, I lost connection, allowing me to close the screen and retire to meditate my way through to my dream state and allow the Universe the opportunity to guide me in letting this go.
I drifted off to sleep, waking up late, with a curious dream of lying upside down in a yoga position next to a wall, and selling this man a truck as he sheepishly offered more than I expected or wanted. I began to right myself to make a choice, aroused just enough to sleepily reach for my earphones, turned back on the meditation of change and drift back into the release phase to then wake up feeling comfortably different like I can make conscious decisions of how to respond so much more easily than ever before.
I opened my email allowing myself to be drawn into an ongoing exchange on a horse training site that I frequent, about a young lady making decisions about each of her next steps going forward with this horse she is retraining. In the dialogue exchange she is always very open about what steps she has taken, which resources she has touched upon, and her opinion about how or why she chooses to use or not use a particular source. Always stating her openness to learning the why’s and how’s of others to peruse upon and make more choices as she continues working with this horse.
After reading through the particularly long message digest and copying to my horse info folder any new interesting and possibly useable for later tools of ideas and information. I discovered a newer email just posted from the same sight which included a link to her video of the success of finally connecting up with the horse and having it allow her to lead and touch it.
She had done such a wonderful job, was having so much fun by choosing the tools that worked for her. I just stopped, and sent her a reply of the marvels in her choice of learning, sharing, and the success she now so joyfully had accomplished. With the blessing of continued advancement and achievements in this line of communicating and working with horses she was exhibiting such pleasure in.
I then went on to Face Book, laughing at the humorous postings, re-posting any and all that fit me, or I enjoyed so much I just loved the feeling of sharing them further. Finding two of my friends in that curious state of perplexed confusion of the frustration of having been moving forward to suddenly hit a wall that seemed insurmountable.
I allowed the words to easily roll out from under my fingers of breathing, relaxing,and reminding them of how blessed and deserving they are. God is just helping them to sort out more of what they do want, allowing them to rest, sift through and discard what they don’t. The next step is to relax, realize, consider, and then choose by saying: Thank you, Next… Please! Allowing the Universe to then work its magic of leading them further forward to their dream, minus the unwanted things that moments before they had been holding onto as their only answers.
As I finished all the new fun things on the Face Book page I noticed the voices have been gone, silent, or absent from my immediate presence. So I re-opened my mail site to my emails to find several messages from all of those I had taken the time to acknowledge their wondrous selves, what they had accomplished, and how good it felt to to share in their uniqueness. Which caused this immense quickening within … I have done it. I have gone round the corner to noticing and responding to only the good I notice or see.
I am sharing with others as I open up to truly becoming okay with me. Right here, right now…as I write, play on the computer, enjoying almost each minute of my morning. The bully, skeptic, critic, intolerant, meaning well bitch was not even present. Both of the two times earlier when she started to say something… I stopped, felt around, and chose otherwise. To now find myself almost three hours later, not in a hurry, satisfied and eager for more. I am truly looking forward to the other things I am going to accomplish today. At my own pace, in my own way, from the choice of who I am today. The door to the past of just reacting is closing more and more every day! Sigh…