The Root Words…
In the few days since I last sat here to write, I have been enjoying the silence of finding and turning off the enormous ghost engine which has for years quietly been running my life. Fascinated by not only the peace and quiet that suddenly finds me at different moments in the day, but so enjoying the comfortable feel of my new found freedom of choices in changing many of my day to day routines and habits. As I become this person I always knew was locked away somewhere inside of me, scared, scarred and to intimidated to come out to venture into the light of full time view by any and everyone else.
The years of blame, frustration, and accrued misunderstanding from thinking it was always something outside of me causing my current problems. The feelings of being stuck on this eternally spinning wheel with no way to step off to walk out the door that always stood beckoning just moments or steps away. Constantly moving, shifting, and accomplishing so very many things for the pleasure and success of others, while I kept up hoping and waiting for my turn of more than the few, short durations of success. Where I would then find myself back at square one, having to start over, scratching my head and many times beating myself up over my inability to at least find a more balanced, stable place.
I have been enjoying myself, finding myself deep in meditative thought as I continue to savor the uprooting of that long time sacred belief about rules. Cleaning, riding, playing with the newest colt in training as I enjoy the ease I find in working with an animal who has no past schooling or drama to undo. Pleasurably asking, receiving, rewarding and enticing him to bigger, newer, and more expansive understanding into how to communicate with humans in his third week of training. So loving the ease of his big body, softly responding to each move he finds a comfortable, rewarded response to, as he has learned I fully well know the spot on the crest of his neck that I massage and scratch at each interval between the steps I ask for that he moves in the direction or manner of asking. Totally entertained by his willingness to show off how well he listens, with his occasional asking for the reward before I offer and his ability to then continue until I signal for the time of the reward.
Finding in the last day or so, a question from one of my readers if in my unearthing of this last layer was this all there is, as far as I might be going? As I was pondering her question I had several things all happen within the space of a few hours to bring about the answer I think she and all of us seek. When I was cleaning my kitchen floor, moving each piece of furniture and appliance, I suddenly became aware as I unearthed my son’s stack of flavoring packets stuffed behind the stove, just a few inches away from the trash can. This feeling of thankfulness and understanding I have of him as being the much needed teacher “I” created for me to understand how much of my power I have been giving away to others by blaming them for how they act toward me. I did not know I had the rights to have my own beliefs and ideas. I did not know I was in charge of my own life. The wave of appreciation flooded over me as I understood all of the upheaval, frustration and rage that I had so thought was because of what others were doing to me. I had been responsible for all along. I had all of this power to change it at any time, but had so bought into I wasn’t allowed, I wasn’t good enough. I was all of these things except powerful enough to create exactly any and everything that had, is and will happen to me.
Wow, talk about a truly clean peaceful kitchen and my insides.To then find myself once again doing a training session with the young marvel, who has now advanced to a bridle, riding inside and outside with the other horses turned loose to ride through or left in their pens. When the loose horses happened to venture near the place on the edge of the round pen where this youngster when turned out to play, they all usually exchange greetings, nips, and grooming. To find my steed completely ignoring me in his attempt to connect in this daily ritual as the two leaders came up and inquired for him up next to the pen. Which then found me for the next 5 or 10 minutes helping him to understand the difference in behavior by himself with the group, or with a human companion directing the dance, as I caused him to realize the change in dynamics, I felt a long time favorite saying, proudly pass through my head. Then abruptly caught myself when I realized what I have been telling myself all of these years and then have perfectly to the letter, been living it out.
The bells of awareness went to clanging, the signals of “change, be aware, and change this now” to then repeat slowly out loud the words… “I always have done the impossible with nothing” and “I have always waited till the last minute to get things done and then accomplish the impossible”. Knowing these phrases so perfectly describe the hamster wheel of my life acquired sometime in my youth when I discovered I could read at an incredible rate, recall almost all the information, to be able write out, complete or be tested on with absolute accuracy, to the point of being one others sought out to do their reports and stuff for cash.
It had been a great accomplishment that I had literally and figuratively taken to heart. Just not understanding or crediting myself with the power of my words in creating all of what has been an extreme roller coaster ride of having things, then back down to nothing and then amazingly have things work out.
Yes it “had” been great, it was fantastic that I survived my creations…but, I now choose to live, think, and feel more in the moment, as I discover and change the habits that are now more noticeably coming to the forefront for me to actually see, recognize and take full responsibility for, to choose, and change to whatever I now desire to have, be or become. Life is fantastic, such a wonderful playground to experience, understand, and create as I open myself up to the many differences I use to fear from the stance of thinking my life was dictated by someone or something outside of me. Instead of my connection to the Universe who created me to experience life from the perspective of me, just like I am, with my own personal dreams, desires, choices and outcomes!