Why Do You Say Thank You…
In the last few weeks there have been lots of ideas and thoughts that have come up for me to write about… yet I couldn’t bring myself to do more than write out a few words or a phrase. Then wander off still searching for the piece/peace missing within myself.
Thankfully I have been led to the right pieces of information, new tools, profoundly inspiring speakers, videos, pictures and quotes that kept tugging at me to follow, come this way, feel this, try that, always one more little step in the direction deeper toward the very core of me. To finally find me earlier today with a massive, cleansing, downpour of much needed rain both for the extreme dryness this part of the world has been experiencing. Plus a much desired day off, from the last few weeks of 2 more horses to ride, lots of new lessons to teach and the daily am/pm bus routes, all of which has me magnificently on the plus side of my bank account.
Just tired, searching and learning to even more closely listen to every part of me, paying attention to the world that I live in for the missing link to a full, fun, loving all of my life self.
Finding a new meditation by Dr. Joe Dispenza that had me looking and feeling to find God’s love within me by searching for and through all the old taught patterns of behavior and then resolving them to suit me. Which brought many days of clarity and more peace than I have known in quite a while, through which I discovered several voices from my past causing me to all of sudden realized my entire learned programming is about victimhood.
All of the drama, the tears, all of the stories, came from families who had learned the same. Most of us teach best what we know and in reviewing the experiences of my parents childhoods, and their parents I could see the patterns handed down from generation to generation. Suddenly in a really huge moment of awakening I could see all of my struggles at the times when I was younger that I would become defiant wasn’t because I was stubborn in a bad way. It’s because I inherently knew that there was more to life than what was being told to me by very well-meaning people.
I have found in the last few weeks I now can comfortably question everything I have ever known. Finding lots of different views, ideas and thoughts to fill my toolbox with possibilities for answers in many different types of situations because like with my horse training, there are no cookie cutter answers, it is different for each and every one of us. We all have different taste, sizes, preferences and beliefs; it is this very variety that makes life a wonderful adventure and ever changing kaleidoscope to explore.
All brought down to the final moment just a little while ago when I heard in my heart the question “why do I say thank you, I love you, please, or any of the other myriad of things that come out of my mouth”. The answer that came back just floored me… I was told to! So out of habit I have been extremely polite, molded to what being kind, caring, loved, hated, or whatever word I was instructed in the way to behave or just plain be was to them as they understood it.
I found myself washing the dishes tonight after my youngest son had started supper, needed help and promised to clean up after I finished fixing the problems he was having making a new stew. As I was putting my dishes in the sink and thinking about the mess that was left, I found myself staring in wonder at all of the cleaning up we had accomplished today and in the last few weeks of both the house, the horse pens and the attitude changes. I found myself going through the dry dishes still in the strainer, putting up the clean ones and suddenly re-washing the dishes he had hurriedly done earlier in a whole new frame of mind.
I found the peace of doing them because I enjoy clean dishes, he has been helping, he has been changing, he is a human, and he deserves to start over each day just like I do. His behavior is because the only examples he has ever known he learned from a parent who taught exactly all she knew or understood up to right now. He is mirroring me as I change; I am only now learning, fully what love, much less unconditional love and many other things truly are to me.
There is so much I only thought I knew from checking in with my family, my friends, acquaintances and the world. I truly found out today the last place I ever thought to check was inside my own heart. Where God has loved me all along, waiting on me to ask for his help, to find out what fits me perfectly in any and every situation… Life is amazing!