Mirror, Mirror What Is That I See…
48 hours later and so many things have changed right before my very eyes… All of these illusions, deceptions, frustrations and struggles have all turned into this magical, marvelous path back in time to take a look at my story from a totally new vantage point. To find a little girl, about 5, brown small suitcase clutched tightly under her buttocks as she sits crying all the way around the block on the corner, the one furthest away from home. Sitting there, staring longingly at the opposite side of the street in this attempt to run away, but foiled by the rules of “never cross the street…alone”. Where her mother finds her a little while later asking what she is doing? The little girl wails in total loss, and humiliation “nobody loves me, no one will play with me, they always want to play with dolls, I don’t fit in, I listen, I do what I’m told, I work at playing dolls, I clean, I stayed out of the street, yet my turn to play horses never comes.” The mother comforts the child the best she can “it will all work out”, and they go back home, with the memory etched into the recesses of my mind, for me to finally find… again.
I worked on this memory a few years back when I first found EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and had thought I had cleared it, because I forgot about it. To find in the last few days of outrageous heat (in the shade it was 113 degrees) with no breezes and several horses to ride, which I did very early or very late in the day, yet I couldn’t manage to escape this feeling of being in the hot seat, under a tremendous light. So hot, so miserable, I sought relief in watching movies and large glasses of iced water and limeades. Struggling to get comfortably through to my two touchy, jumpy, horses, way too much work in all of this direct glare, till I found myself, frustrated, tired and sobbing “it’s not fair, I work so hard, and no one wants to play with me”…
Suddenly, like being slapped in the face. I found the nugget of peace I had been so determinedly seeking. This gem of information rocked me to my core. I suddenly saw the trail of relationships with others as the outsider looking in… always working, always cleaning up, fixing for others, doing the impossible, sitting outside of the lime light. With this crazy belief egging me on, that if I “worked, struggled, did whatever I was told”, I would eventually have my turn.
My past attempt to deal with the story was about being different, standing out like a sore thumb and the nobody loves me. There was no memory at that time about no one wanting to play with me. I now see how I have done all of this crazy, insane work of trying to fit in, waiting for things to work out. As my five year old mind took literally “it would all work out”. So work I have, for any and everybody, doing it all to fit in, cleaning up, fixing, repairing, paying for others to help me and even putting others first. All in the crazy belief that when all the work is done…then I can play!
To find myself with a lesson this morning, as I watched her diligently struggle with the newest information I had given her for her toolbox of ways to connect with her mount. As I listened to her berate herself over her inability to use the latest tool the right way. I threw up my hands and told her “enough, I am throwing the whole toolbox and tools idea away”, instead I now want you to look at each idea as a toy, another way for you to play with your horse, toys for your toy box.
The laughter exploded out of her chest, her whole body relaxed, the horse let out a huge sigh of relief. In that moment I saw the glint of gold in my ability to play, have fun, enjoy, pivot, dance, and revel in the joy of allowing myself to be truly paid to play and enjoy life. I have given up working, life is supposed to be fun. All in favor… come on down, the weather is cool, the breeze this evening is fantastic and the shower from the storm that blew the heat away way early Sunday morning has made the ground soft and fluffy as the grass so quickly turned soft, green and vibrant! Life is a dance, find a song and come along, find your own toys and come play!