Following a Feeling…
For such a long, long time I have been trying to get clearer on this sense or feeling that is always compelling me, inviting me, enticing me to move, breathe, and take one more step toward this dream, goal, or ideal that has been with me as long as I can remember. Urging me to go a little further, wait a little bit longer, dig a little deeper, find one more place of release from the prison around my heart that I was made aware of just a few days ago in my constant awareness to God guiding me back to me when I had this last Sunday to remember…
Calm, easy, even a little over cast as I finished up my reconstruction of my saddling area with newer, bigger shades of 12 X 18 and then taking the smaller old one to erect over the dogs enclosure. Fascinated with my life as I have learned to slow down, and play my way forward. Which means I have learned to not get in a hurry, ask for things in my mind and have the Universe surprise me with the answers usually within moments after I let go of the thought.
Like the one that caused me to wander into the house after the last rope was re-strung and re-placed, to go to Facebook perusing for a quick smile from any of the sources I am connected to that share positive and uplifting posts. When I clicked on one video of a man wonderfully playing a guitar in an unusual fashion, even though I enjoyed the music, I found my eye wandering to the comments on the side to see one light up. Urging me to read it about someone playing a guitar the same way in the movie “August Rush”, which I promptly looked up to find that I had actually seen the movie before, though I felt this prompting to find it and see it again.
So I watched it, to find several places in it that called to me, till one particular scene literally caused my heart to expand and push against the walls I had erected to protect it from ever being made fun of or misused again. Finding as I wound my way to the end of the movie this lifting of some old burden which now was calling me to write it down and set myself free.
I thought about it, yet nothing came out… I could feel the rattling of the door, see the key just inches away inside with me, yet unable to move… So I waited, rode, cleaned, felt, watched the movie again, took a break, listened, and allowed the feelings to just build. Until last night when I felt the urge to watch it again and yet found myself being guided to re-watching another movie on my list, which once again stated the need to write it out. Set myself free… to be fully me.
Passionate, proud, tall, horse connected, sometimes wonderfully oblivious to others as I play with the horse energy I find myself drawn to. I reach, feel, seek, and listen for the guidance and the peace I find when I reconnect a horse to actually engaging and being with a human. As they soon find there is someone here who is finally, trying to listen and engage with their energy of aliveness. It is so rewarding to be part of the transformation from just watching a horse who is tolerating life, one who is referred to as “dead broke” just existing, surviving, being fed, rode, handled as a tool, a worker, a slave to taught or learned habits (much like me) once again fully alive, relating and even anticipating life.
I find myself, now much more honest, aware of having shut so many doors in the castle that is me, closed off from fully imagining, much less allowing into my life… all of the dreams, desires and wishes I have kept locking away after putting them on the shelves in taking care of any and all others first. Thinking I did not matter, not as me, myself and I, the lady who lives, alive, glowing, insightful, aware and so passionate about the feelings she takes in and the visions she sees of the grandeur of almost all animals and people she meets. When she gets in the zone and away from the crowds of those she has mistakenly been trying to live up to their ideas and memories of who she should be.
The energy I feel is all around us, one just needs to find and trust it. Writing it all down now, today and sharing it with others is like I am finally calling back to him, expecting him to read it and find me. I have never quit on my passion…It’s the only place I can escape and let it all go to fully connect with life. I am writing today in hope and anticipation of it finding its way into his hands… years of aware anticipation, for the dream, the man, and the life I have been seeking since I was a very tiny child… now letting it out, opening the door, letting and expecting My Idea of life in… to begin!!