Monthly Archives: January 2014
Awakening this morning to do my meditation I discovered my body refused to cooperate. As it kept up this constant barrage of physical sensations until I stopped trying what I was mentally attempting to do for mediation and asked my body to show me. Let me know what it would prefer as I hastily re-adjusted the pillow for a flatter one. Suddenly finding this memory flood my mind about how warm my therapist’s hands would get when she was doing massage and body manipulations during my sessions.
I then took and placed my palms together; rubbing them until they felt warm and I could gently separate them to feel the flow of energy between them, followed with the immediate thought to place my hands upon my face. Suddenly finding as I did this, there was this soft glow of white light between them that slowly covered my face and then encompassed the rest of me. To find as I lay there enjoying the warmth and the light how much of my world is communicated to me through so very many of my senses. My thoughts suddenly revealing that what is taught even in meditation is not always accomplished the same way for everyone. The awareness of the difference between each and every one of us, once more on my plate for me to contemplate as I came aware and awakened for my day.
When I stepped into the bathroom I discovered the message I had been awakened to in the middle of the night, scrawled in big red letters across my mirror “skin is supposed to be touched”. Knowing full well the dream that had awakened me to all of the beliefs that are taught on how to delicately and carefully protect and take care of our skin. Fully aware of the horses I brush and how if I use light soft strokes, to just brush though the hair or pat them on the skin, they swish their tails and pin their ears as I am just more of an aggravation than a welcoming. Though when I reach in to find their muscles, truly manipulating the blood and the skin into warm, inviting strokes to stimulate the flow of energy through all the hair, tissues, and skin, I find them leaning back into me to position their bodies so that I do not miss a truly needy spot.
The phone rings bringing me from my thoughts. It is my friend who had called me earlier about her horse who had been still so lethargic, uncomfortable and running a slight fever, after spending the day before at the vet then sent home because she was fine there after the last few days of this on and off symptoms of worry, discomfort and fever. She was thanking me as the mare was doing so much better today. After I had driven over to her place last night for our conversation as I was checking her horse. When I began questioning what had changed or happen in her personal life in the same time frame that the horse had begun showing all of these symptoms.
On Monday with the start of the New Year after the holidays all were in high hopes over this new semester, when everyone in their office discovered what had become of all the promises made at the end of last year. Nope, they were still stuck with non-compliance, no one with any real interested in changing, helping out or any signs of care or concern with the programs they had all been expecting to get off the ground. The frustration, the feeling stuck and having to stuff their feelings, aggravation and the lethargic reactions from administration. All matching perfectly with her horse’s behavior and symptoms as I began to match the dots for her. I just asked her what she truly desired with her life. This began to come out in bits in pieces though she kept trying to distract me back to her worrying about if she was doing the enough of the right things for her horse.
Finally she began to open up about herself. Her dreams, her ambitions, and this long schedule of putting it all on hold for 4 more years…because of saving enough money, promises to relatives, waiting for retirement, etc. etc. And I dropped the bomb on her when I asked “What if someone was to come along and offer you the funds, the job, the circumstances for all this to happen right now. Would you take the job?” She looked at me like had I lost my mind… “Of course I would!” So I said: call back the waitress with your last order and put in that order to God instead, and let him figure it all out.
There was this audible sigh from the horse, and from her. She got the thermometer and rechecked her horse…the temperature had dropped back to normal, she looked at me. “This is crazy, I knew I needed to call you a week or so ago, but I didn’t want to bother you…”
I told her “Same here, as I had thought about her, just didn’t trust my thought”. We are taught what to do from the time we are very small. I am this morning truly aware of several of these rules: Don’t touch, don’t do it that way, don’t ask for help, don’t do it unless you have permission, don’t expect it to be easy, etc., etc, etc. and my favorite one of all “Don’t Ask Why, because someone else said so!”
I keep listening and feeling for my almost every thought now. I have discovered there is so much more to me and my connection to life than just the breath I breathe. My feelings come from the over a million cells that make up my body. They are now allowed to have full rein in my ability to have an incredible life by choosing with all of me what it is I truly desire for me. When I ask, listen, feel and go within to find some part of me will confirm if I am living for me, as me, with me… or for something or someone on the outside.
Best part of all as I assist another to figure out what “their” desire/dream truly is from underneath the litany of rules, beliefs and opinions of others. I feel my bliss in knowing that what I sense in another who comes to me wanting change and seeking answers. It always comes down to listening to what a person is saying that is preventing them from trusting their own unique signature and styles of life as I help them in finding who they truly desire to become, always mirrored in the stories they tell.
I have been cleaning out the last residues of a very big secret that was buried so deep underneath my years of living here on earth. It was buried underneath the tons of information so wonderfully shared, pushed, shoved, discovered, unearthed and finally found within myself now that I am choosing to trust the voice within me. This voice which for years being this interesting ringing like static in my right ear some would diagnose as tinnitus; described in several self- help books as occurring when one refuses or is trained away from listening to one’s inner voice. Information I found years after I had learned to pay attention any time it became louder, almost insistent as I was about to be guided toward my next step forward with information to guide me along my path.
And this morning it did exactly that with leading me to trust what I noticed out of the corner of my eye, which then led to follow the nudge to truly look at whatever was in front of me, andI needed to do it right now. Finding me standing in front of my son’s bathroom after I noted he had left his bathroom light on before leaving for school this morning and I walked over to just turn it off. I saw the few items on the floor, the accumulation of sand, and the rugs slightly a skew… all of which could easily be straightened for the guest later in the day. So I went back and got the broom and dust pan, grabbed the rugs to shake off the dirt and almost lost my footing as one rugs was stuck solidly to the floor.
I finally pulled it up, leaving part of the rubber matting stuck on the linoleum. To find myself for the next 20 minutes or so cleaning off both the residue from the floor and the rest of his small bathroom, this being physically busy allowed my last few weeks of thoughts to just filter through my brain. The thoughts about all of what I have learned, where it came from, how I have been taught to respond and what I have since learned about keeping only what is actually true for me.
I suddenly spied and really saw my son’s hairbrush as it lay there on the floor with twisted bristles, truly dysfunctional for a normal persons head of hair, much less his lion’s mane and now finding understanding in why he had borrowed mine yesterday morning without asking.
I became aware then of how much he does without asking first as I continued to scrub and clean. To find the next thought of how many things I have done in my life because I was constantly being told what to do, how to do it because of what the rules and consequences were. All of this done out of fear of being in trouble, to fit in, be first, etc. etc. that I complied with… most of the time.
The ringing in my ears became LOUDER with the next realization of how I had trapped my own kids in the same way with the fear of them not being successful by my society’s standards. For they have been in school since they were 4 to get a head start on being smarter. Being taught how to behave, what to do, how to respond, and all of the other criteria of right and wrong being drilled into them for them to be the best at somebody else’s idea of what is or would be their chosen profession for them to “fit in”.
I suddenly heard my inner self, showing me what the horses and my various students over the years have been trying to get me to listen, see, experience and realize. We are not born afraid, we are pure love, we are smart, we are always learning. We learn the moment we arrive as we learn to change and breathe in air after coming from a womb of water. We arrive here smart enough to desire experiencing life. We touch, taste, hear, feel, and breathe in our surroundings.
Babies of all kinds grow up with what they experience. If it feels good, do more. Because it is different, explore. If it hurts, or is difficult find a way around it. They do not know fear. They observe, explore, and learn by their understanding of the feedback from the world around them.
The first thing any of them usually experience is some form of communication from outside the womb, which leads them to want to explore more of the wonderful feeling things and discover what feels the right for them. Yet in my realization this morning it dawned on me the box of who another expects us to be… the expectation of fitting us in to someone else’s prescription of our life.
And many of us like me, struggle with this dilemma because of the deeper calling from inside to trust ourselves. Following this desire that seems to run so completely away from the rules, guidelines and ideas of those who we live with.
We desire the love we know is out there… somewhere… Because before we came here, we knew and experienced it by being part of it. The pure unconditional love and acceptance of the creative fabric of the Universe, a part of God, brought here in his/her image to expand and experience this world into the wonders of change, growth and awareness that breathes life inside of us as our dreams and desires are realized.
We came here to be our own unique, individualized, amazing, creative, wonderful image of source. To hopefully share and uplift each other as we discover and become amazing Imaganeers, ever expanding to enjoy our exploration and contributing to this world!
This is my understanding of the last 7 years of searching every corner of my world… for me. With some incredible ups and downs to finally arrive at a place today I have been awakened to many times in my life. Some awakenings were extremely abrupt, painful, and physical. Other times the blows were just huge emotional disasters… all of those were attached to my personal worth/value which at first seemed tied to my finances, business, or family. Where always I would get to some place emotionally where the only place left to turn was inside…after I tried all of the rest of the ideas, plans and information that was present at the time to fix what was wrong.
Thankfully I would get worn down, tired and finally go with in. I would have some truly incredible awakenings, all of them now in looking back, always pointing to the same answer from several totally different views of the exact same answer of “unconditional love”. Which then I would try and continue to live and feel what I had learned.
I would get going again, then right back to the bottom to start over. Search, struggle, read, work, sweat, change, always wonderfully helping so very many others, but still sensing there was more to this, as I would then get glimpses of my deepest desire… and off I would go running after it and not taking the time to check in with my inner being.
The last few weeks have been this incredible journey in trusting my inner self. Which through the teachings of Neville, TUT, Abraham, and a whole slew of others, coming at me from so many directions faster than I could ask the next question in my search to know the truth about me and life.
Wonderfully aware of the many signs, symbols, and indications from the Universe that God was still directing me. I would just get so caught up in trying to do “it” (whatever the current flavor of teachings that was on my plate) that I would stop the conversations with myself. Floundering along, solidly studying, listening, and working at getting this new thing right, perfect, and polished, only then to fail to feel truly okay.
I was great at being a detail artist, a photo copier; an actress playing the part to make everybody happy, as I gave the right answers to see that others were taken care of and that they felt okay, too. Then I read a sentence on a page that caused me to pause, igniting the ember that still glowed inside. Today a post that caused the flicker of a flame that lapped at my heart, asking “are you listening?” I stayed with it, going slowly, feeling for the next question to ask, which “Okay God, now what?”
Another piece of information, slowly savored, then carefully asked “And… God? ” Till question by question, answer by answer… I found what I have been searching for “being honest to and with myself over what it is “I” truly desire” and the answer shocked me. Because I have been writing to myself for years, just in my sharing what I have written with others, I have allowed the comparison of another’s response to my sharing, to cause me to edit me to fit in.
This whole problem of manifesting my desires has all been sidetracked by my not staying honest and true to me. In a nutshell its these words I found just an hour or so ago:
Manifest Your Destiny
Know the condition between manifesting your heart’s desire and unconditional love. Unconditional love is the energy of the universe; it is what God is, and, therefore, what you are as well. Without your connection to this love, you lose your connection to the creative process.
You cannot attract to yourself that which you are already connected to if you short-circuited the connection. The presence of unconditional love is in all things that you wish to attract as well as in you. Keep it honest, and you keep your ability to know that ye are a god. Lose it, and you lose your godliness. It is that simple.
Remind yourself of this when you ask why your desires aren’t showing up in your life. The answer will invariably have something to do with an absence of unconditional love some place in your inner world.
A while ago I found a poem I wrote 7 years ago this month that I stopped when driving down the road to write it down. Instead of letting it guide me by letting me know what I desired was coming to me. I proceeded to go out and make the words fit each and every circumstance that looked like a possibility…Never, ever, ever, listening to the words I was saying to myself in my mind: “I can do this. I can work with this. This is okay, its close!”
I had gotten incredibly good at being anything and everything but “Honest With and Listening to Myself!” I had learned to do what I was told it was supposed to take to be me, by listening to everyone else but me! God made me in his image…of me!
Lesson learned when you desire something, really flesh it out…with yourself, for yourself, and by yourself. Then allow the Universe, God, or Divine Providence to guide you to allowing it to show up. Should an idea come to you that it is so strong that wild horses couldn’t stop you… Go for it! If you get just an urge, write it down. Trust yourself, for you are the only inhabitant of your body. Talk to yourself and listen to the conversations you have with yourself… ALL OF THEM! Start changing the ones that don’t feel good, improve the others and keep the rest! Feel crazy doing it…then don’t tell anyone till after the desire comes true! I Am only me and I Am Amazing!!
These are my morning thoughts that came together for me after I opened up FB to the first thing I saw after all of my reading, realizations, conclusions, and imaginings from the last four months of 2013. To a post from someone in one of my groups where they ask about “naming one’s Higher Self Wanna Share yours , go on I dare ya Mines’s always been Huey, my daughter thinks I am disrespectful to God but how can I be, He and I Are bonded baby, as One and where did I get my sense of humor from but from The One, what’s his is mine . Ok thats all folks ” which I then realize about how I used to talk to mine/myself, all the time until last August when finding out about how to utilize imagination from the works of Neville Goddard. For in all of this contemplating and absorbing of this Neville theorized information in the last few months, I suddenly realized that every time I find any new interesting or profound information… I stop talking, listening, and paying attention to my own inner guidance.
Then I suddenly remembered that I distinctly talked to mine before meeting the cowboy and his daughter Friday on my trip down to the nearby arena. Which coincides perfectly with my recent asking and finding, studying and going through all of Neville’s talks listed in order and finding the pieces/peace in me. Where I had asked myself/God in me…”Where is all of this leading? What is it I need to know? & How can I help or assist another?”
Especially since earlier this morning I looked up Neville’s Wikipedia information (which has to be considered in who has updated their take on him most recently) to become aware of where his line of thoughts, the way and time line they changed/evolved to then “know” that the habitual stumbling blocks for me are
- In teaching others how to ride, I have observed when we think, we stop breathing and feeling. When we know something, we just do it; it is now our new nature of habit. Otherwise we think, think, & think, muddying up our own thoughts, getting all tangled up in the process of understanding from another’s perspective. Which we will never entirely be able to see from their same standpoint, because we are not exactly like them.
- We as human’s have been bombarded with in our learning that we “have to” learn how to do something “the right way” (verses feeling the right way for us). A great example comes to mind: If I bite into something that is (unbeknownst to me) hot, nasty or incredibly out of my idea of what I expected it to taste like. I spit it out first, then try to figure it out at the same time I am usually trying to wash out my mouth for a feeling of relief. Instead of holding it in my mouth, and thinking what is this incredibly bad tasting thing that I am eating.
In sharing my name for my higher being I stated the following “Mine’s name is God…but not like the worshiping from afar. He is my best friend and I have been talking to him for years, but until I read this post… I never thought about a “name” for him (since his energy represents my male energy) I just talk to him, confide in him, love him as I know he does me… then I thanked the poster for allowing my friendship with him to be seen in a whole new amazing way… I so love when I can clear up my viewing place!!!”
Putting the entire scenario of this new realization into use by replacing my old habit of thinking if someone knows more than me, then I must need to study and catch up. With the choices of Neville’s line of thought of just imagine I am already accomplished at having figured it out, or I can read to feel for the comparison if the new line of thought coincides with where I am at in my understanding of does this feel true for me. Finding that I am now reading Neville’s works in order of his evolving, instead of the just reading the book I was told would explain it all to me if “I studied and studied it like the presenter had”.
All of this experience has given me back both my ability, desire and right to talk to myself, listen and trust my feeling of “I am always able to know the right things for me at any moment” when I take the time to feel if it is good… go ahead. If it causes me the least little doubt… check it out, go slowly, feel for the parts that resonate with me and ditch the rest. If it feels bad…”DUH” walk away, saying thanks, but No Thanks! This last learning experience has been so much freaking easier than I ever was led to believe and definitely not at all in the direction I originally expected of some kind of amazing, magical secret to change my life. Just the solidifying of knowing and trusting in myself, my inner guidance… to give up all of the buts, what if’s and just turn within… to always feel, think, know and believe in my own ability for the right answers for me!!
I stopped writing and sharing in my blog back in September when I shared my about to be third book with a person who was troubled and asked for some advice. I had hoped in sharing the almost finished book with her to assist her in finding the answers I could so sense she was in need of. To then find out a few days later after she contacted me back. That she was a publicist and in her reading of my book, how much she had forgotten what is was like to clean up, change, and fix someone else’s errors. As she was now putting on her glasses, her editor’s cap, remembering all of the steps required into changing my many mistakes, to make a decent book out of my sharing.
I froze. I backed up. I stared at the screen that seemed to glare at me for my audacity in thinking I might know anything at all about being an author, coach, or teacher. I had this expert who was telling me how much I still needed to learn to even come close to submitting a piece, much less a book. Who did I think I was?
I took a deep breath, buried the book in my files, and walked away… to figure this out, this deep, gnawing feeling of loss. Where was it coming from, how could it have been so easy to feel like I needed to write, to share, to put in words the wonders that my every day with people, animals, and nature constantly thriving to guide and lead us to the next marvelous minute.
I read, studied, dug, re-read, and discovered old ideas, now seen through the eyes of hunger for an understanding to this incredible deep hole I felt of emptiness I could not fill. As I listened to many of the current and old speakers about the secret to life, to joy, to happiness, to whatever it is so many of us are constantly running after or searching for.
To finally find in the last few days, the only thing I have ever needed, longed for, or desired is the love, understanding to trust and fully listen to the God in me. For I am the one I look at when I peer in the mirror. I know who I desire and dream of being. I have taken this so far as to proclaim it by writing on my mirror in big bold permanent marker “I Love ME! I Am Worthy!”
Then realizing I needed to change to how I feel I know I am supposed to look. I took out the scissors and proceeded to spend the next few hours trimming, curling, re-wetting, and trimming my hair till I knew it was me. I took this picture the next day. Totally please with my ability to be me, exactly as I choose to be.
Refusing in the last ten days to do anything that comes just from my head as a thought to do, until I first check with my gut, and if I “feel” it is something that I truly would like or is the thing to do… I proceed. Otherwise I have actually learned the beauty in recognizing I have the ability and the right to trust in me to do nothing. Because all of my body really does work better together, now that I have learned to listen, feel, and sense my way around.
As I have discovered there is a whole, wide world of extremely fast talking, fast selling, fast moving things, that will drag, run over, or push me into doing things that I know better than and have no true desire to do. Because I was taught to react, respond, obey. For others knew better than me, what was good for me in their eyes, to have life the way they were taught it was supposed to be.
For me these last few days in being with the horses and my latest student who is taking a solid week of lessons to understand all of the ideas, suggestions, stories, and information available in the world for dealing with her new horse. Her biggest desire is to be a really good rider and owner. Her horse has problems from his previous owners, from being spoiled, mishandled, and allowed to call all of the shots, because he learned how to outmaneuver others with his body by living (like all animals do) completely in the now. Which in layman’s terms translates into being so tuned into each second, he finds and manipulates another into the false sense of security of he might be listening to the rider. To feel the attention drift, a hand, leg, the smallest hole of a muscle out of place, I can turn around right “now” and quit, to take control of the direction and speed one is going.
I teach about leadership. I coach others how to fish for the rest of their lives. I do this best by asking questions, allowing one to find their own answers. Constantly thinking, feeling, reacting and being open to changing all of the minute steps in learning a new move, until I see the light go on, the movement asked getting and maintaining the expected response. The glow on the student’s face as the confidence builds in finding the ability to just think, but know and feel at the same time. For the dance of parry, thrust, ask, give, respond…reward. Satisfaction in making the dots connect between rider and horse.
The very steps I have learned are so vital to mine and so many others I meet. To know, without any wavering doubt or second thoughts, that what I am feeling, thinking, and doing “right this minute” is exactly perfect for me, as me… because I am worthy to live my life with my very own unique signature and style. I owe nobody an explanation, it is all an inside job that I have to live with. In me, as me, for me!!!