Me as I Close 2013
I stopped writing and sharing in my blog back in September when I shared my about to be third book with a person who was troubled and asked for some advice. I had hoped in sharing the almost finished book with her to assist her in finding the answers I could so sense she was in need of. To then find out a few days later after she contacted me back. That she was a publicist and in her reading of my book, how much she had forgotten what is was like to clean up, change, and fix someone else’s errors. As she was now putting on her glasses, her editor’s cap, remembering all of the steps required into changing my many mistakes, to make a decent book out of my sharing.
I froze. I backed up. I stared at the screen that seemed to glare at me for my audacity in thinking I might know anything at all about being an author, coach, or teacher. I had this expert who was telling me how much I still needed to learn to even come close to submitting a piece, much less a book. Who did I think I was?
I took a deep breath, buried the book in my files, and walked away… to figure this out, this deep, gnawing feeling of loss. Where was it coming from, how could it have been so easy to feel like I needed to write, to share, to put in words the wonders that my every day with people, animals, and nature constantly thriving to guide and lead us to the next marvelous minute.
I read, studied, dug, re-read, and discovered old ideas, now seen through the eyes of hunger for an understanding to this incredible deep hole I felt of emptiness I could not fill. As I listened to many of the current and old speakers about the secret to life, to joy, to happiness, to whatever it is so many of us are constantly running after or searching for.
To finally find in the last few days, the only thing I have ever needed, longed for, or desired is the love, understanding to trust and fully listen to the God in me. For I am the one I look at when I peer in the mirror. I know who I desire and dream of being. I have taken this so far as to proclaim it by writing on my mirror in big bold permanent marker “I Love ME! I Am Worthy!”
Then realizing I needed to change to how I feel I know I am supposed to look. I took out the scissors and proceeded to spend the next few hours trimming, curling, re-wetting, and trimming my hair till I knew it was me. I took this picture the next day. Totally please with my ability to be me, exactly as I choose to be.
Refusing in the last ten days to do anything that comes just from my head as a thought to do, until I first check with my gut, and if I “feel” it is something that I truly would like or is the thing to do… I proceed. Otherwise I have actually learned the beauty in recognizing I have the ability and the right to trust in me to do nothing. Because all of my body really does work better together, now that I have learned to listen, feel, and sense my way around.
As I have discovered there is a whole, wide world of extremely fast talking, fast selling, fast moving things, that will drag, run over, or push me into doing things that I know better than and have no true desire to do. Because I was taught to react, respond, obey. For others knew better than me, what was good for me in their eyes, to have life the way they were taught it was supposed to be.
For me these last few days in being with the horses and my latest student who is taking a solid week of lessons to understand all of the ideas, suggestions, stories, and information available in the world for dealing with her new horse. Her biggest desire is to be a really good rider and owner. Her horse has problems from his previous owners, from being spoiled, mishandled, and allowed to call all of the shots, because he learned how to outmaneuver others with his body by living (like all animals do) completely in the now. Which in layman’s terms translates into being so tuned into each second, he finds and manipulates another into the false sense of security of he might be listening to the rider. To feel the attention drift, a hand, leg, the smallest hole of a muscle out of place, I can turn around right “now” and quit, to take control of the direction and speed one is going.
I teach about leadership. I coach others how to fish for the rest of their lives. I do this best by asking questions, allowing one to find their own answers. Constantly thinking, feeling, reacting and being open to changing all of the minute steps in learning a new move, until I see the light go on, the movement asked getting and maintaining the expected response. The glow on the student’s face as the confidence builds in finding the ability to just think, but know and feel at the same time. For the dance of parry, thrust, ask, give, respond…reward. Satisfaction in making the dots connect between rider and horse.
The very steps I have learned are so vital to mine and so many others I meet. To know, without any wavering doubt or second thoughts, that what I am feeling, thinking, and doing “right this minute” is exactly perfect for me, as me… because I am worthy to live my life with my very own unique signature and style. I owe nobody an explanation, it is all an inside job that I have to live with. In me, as me, for me!!!