An Old Exposure to Love
Seems these last few months of looking at me has been a truly eye opening experience. Wrought with many of the dangers of really seeing my full self, from what I view in the mirror at different times of the day. The words that actually come out of my mouth any time during a day and the various emotions used or behind those words. This taken to even further awareness with this full sought desire to have a different life and my willingness to do whatever it would take to have the life I know is available to me. When I took the even bigger plunge of actually listening in on and hearing all of the pre-played conversations that I habitually was constructing the moment I noticed anything not being to my likings.
Suddenly, amazingly, truly aware of I am the creator of everything that is going on around me. Though for years I kept pushing off responsibility of it as happening to me, until that all came to a screeching halt right in my face the first time I deliberately practiced a new conversation with the next victim/person to grace my presence. No turning around and pushing it off on anyone else once the tiniest self-observation of caused deliberated change took place.
Not exactly a high five moment, even though it felt so good to have a different positive pre-concieved conscious outcome. There was then that vast realization that “I could change my life that fast” but there was so much to sort out. So many things I desired. Such a big mess to undo, all the while my mind suddenly tearing off in a new direction of panic, lists, descriptions, ideas and places to go to accomplish what seemed like an enormous chore.
I went to studying, watching, practicing, planning and then beating myself up for not getting it right in whatever time frame I allotted for myself to succeed with any new process. Thus crippling my every step out of the rut of habit I had so dug myself into.
There is nothing that puts one on the road to failure more than persecuting one’s self with a pre-planned time line. I got out the books, I downloaded the tapes, meditations, speakers and I worked on myself. I was going to master this. I was putting my understanding of what it would take to accomplish this now monumental task of being free of the old me. To live in a world of ??? what I understood of love, abundance, and success was.
Pushing myself toward this new goal because I knew my life could be different, better, more alive. So I worked at it, memorized, struggled, dug up all of the old memories, to release and make peace with myself and all associated with the events in my life.
Finding myself pulled up short anytime I shared with someone else. For if there was the slightest doubt, dislike or hint of disapproval… I would dig at myself more. Read, meditate, work, work, work at me in such a need to be free of this monkey on my back that was so close and yet so hard to reach and get a handle on.
Yesterday found me on my day off playing a game with a book open, and the same book being narrated on YouTube. While I let the words filter all around me, until something would catch my imagination, for me to pause the recording, match the words to the page in the book and then write down the phrase to fit me to use as an affirmation. All of this lasting until late last night when I felt this sense of recognition in some deeper part wash over me as I moved the speakers to face my room. I turned up the volume on the computer, turn off the monitor, as I settled into bed allowing the last few paragraphs to lull me off to sleep.
To be awakened at 4:30 with my first thought being of my shoulder not aching and my having slept almost the whole night through without pain. So I rolled over and tested it, as I had heard my inner thoughts send my shoulder love for allowing me to learn from all of the burdens I have been carrying over what I have understood about life, love, success and the other 100 words or so that have been under my scrutiny in the last 6 months or so of self-discovery. To discover it pain free…now that I listened.
Suddenly realizing this whole journey has been to uncover and find the true meaning, use and understanding of words that I grew up with, I have been teaching, sharing, living with by what I thought they meant or symbolized. The love I knew that had to be earned with clean rooms, clean bodies, chores done, things taken care of, proper behavior or dress … a total attachment to something, some ideal, or someone.
I have never truly lived the loving something enough to set it free, to be, without control over it… Allowing the Universe to constantly replenish with more and better than before, for in my understanding of once it is gone, it is over. The sudden awareness of the deaths of animals, humans, and situations all around me allowing me to suddenly see what I have been missing of just loving, touching, communicating because every moment connects to the next. If I am holding onto yesterday, there is no way to enjoy and relish today. Love is a realization of the moment, each breath, and the changes occurred in expansion to know and experience more… for if we don’t let go, we stagnate and are trapped, in a confined space, nothing coming in or going out. In breathing we must let the old air out to allow the new air in. Love and life are an awareness of each change…It’s all good when we let go of yesterday’s mistakes to become what our imagination shows to us is possible, in each dream that connects us to our inner selves which guides us when we let it.