Monthly Archives: July 2014
Intuition, knowing, confidence and plain old common sense have been the big ah hah’s in my last few months of just being, realizing and observing all of these deep held sacred and many unconscious beliefs that have been getting in my way of any real movement in the outside world. This has been brought home to me in my watching not only the horses I interact with on an almost daily basis, but the multitude of people that I now encounter at the convenience store as I play with my form of non-horse humans interactions.
Fascinated with today’s gem in assisting a few people in covering an old tractor, watching the lack of surety in all but one of the members in the group of guys, as the eldest one tried to ramp up the enthusiasm in his two nephews for the promised rewards when the chore was done. All three in the heat of the one o’clock sun, no clouds, no breeze and the leader so intent on finishing the task today, one way or the other. Showing up with a tarp and an idea of fixing the dilemma for his father of the 1940 oldie from further rusting before they could get it restored. Intending to complete the task with just a good heart, a tarp and two nephews as different as the soft sand is from hard baked clay.
I knew someone was here, as the dog’s barking took on the tone of “oh joy… visitors”. To walk out as the uncle was explaining the task of just re-tarping the machine for a few more months to further protect it from the weather, explaining to me as I walked up his simple thoughts, immediately followed by what did I think.
I watched myself as I didn’t think, I just explained the reasons and possible solutions to why they kept having to re-do this every few months. How by placing round buckets over any of the extruding rough and jagged spots before re- tarping, the smoothness would balance out the wind’s ability to rub and wear the tarp over these protruding pipes, handles and various flanges. The thought of this not being a continuous chore caused the light to go on, for him to ask me for further information and he then noticed the parts of the sickle plow pieces, just lying around under the center of the machine slowly being buried in the drifting sand.
He called the boys over and as they went to pick up the pieces to move them into the barn. He with his gloves on, the oldest boy immediately becoming macho stating it was okay as the youngest flinched from the heat of this hot metal sitting in the midday sun. As the uncle started to suggest that he could drive all the way back home to go get some gloves… my mouth just starting spewing words as I took the wooden handle of the rake in my hand, slipped it under one of the bars to the waiting hands of the youngest. To then together with all of the others we hoisted up the pieces comfortably carrying them into the barn, all the while my awareness to what could be done allowed me to access my noticing/intuiting the wood, the time, the distance, the needs of the present moment. My confidence radiating what needed to be done easily shared and readily employed for simple, effective results.
Bringing to my mind how amazingly I always seem to see the quicker, simpler, ways with such ease and ability to then speak up… BECAUSE at that moment I trust what I feel and know. What a huge surprise and relief as the rest of the information about what this seemingly elusive thing is I have been having such a struggle with.
With chores, coaching, teaching, and the horses, I usually allow these feelings to flow… Unless there is someone who starts to spew way to many questions of the hesitation to commit as they continue to stare at and wrestle with the problem. Words don’t teach, they assist in understanding, but it is our seeing in our mind the finished solution that suddenly causes the path to light up and show itself. I am suddenly, very appreciative of all the times I was so head on with what to do and praised for my common sense. Now aware of how I have been tapping in to my inner self and trusting the answers that present themselves for ME!
It’s the talking with and to others in the last few months that has finally caused me to realize this. It is being talked out of my gut instincts and into my head to defend or explain how and why I come up with the answers I do. Now I am seeing how when others start talking or questioning me it is a form of frustration, confusion or distrust of things being easier and simpler than “they” were taught. It’s supposed to be hard, take forever, have all of these problems… and my answers usually come so fast and simple… I have been questioning my own right to know, trust, much less connect with my own instinctive responses. Hmmmm… as I allow this to really sink in I realize horses don’t talk when they communicate they just “DO” the solution, the next movement, the next step as they are committed to their end result!
Having taking a six months hiatus from writing to just observe the world and the reflections of where I am at “NOW” this word describing life to the fullest, because now is never before or after it is always the present moment.
I took a step back to find where and how my trained habits of unconscious thoughts were still running my life. I watched, I observed, and found what I didn’t like, once uncovered, noticed and understood… then I could change it, rearrange it, stop it, and find a different way to be.
As simple as that may sound, it takes absolute participation in each and every moment. Full awareness of the words I speak to… myself, others, animals, things, and circumstances, to become so in tune to hear me actually communicating with me in every present moment.
I have taken on a temporary job at a convenient store in an attempt to meet other non-horse people in this small town where I have lived for 11 years. Fascinated at all the untruths I had been locked into by beliefs I have been taught are real. About what to wear, do, be, or think for me to be okay. Fueled on by this immense desire to be free… of feeling wrong, needing to be right, or justifying things I do to fit in.
At the same time still training, coaching and teaching others as my life saver to sanity in this search for relief. Finding my immense fascination with words and their definitions receiving a huge update of possibilities to the once limited ones I had previously believed. I discovered that normalcy can and does change sometime in hours, minutes, moments, much less miles, weeks, and years.
Life is changing, evolving, constantly becoming more than it was yesterday, whether I allow it or not. I just hadn’t realized how hard I had been clinging to the side of this immensely flowing, ever changing river of life. Until thankfully 4 weeks ago, one of my own horses, unceremoniously, bucked me off as my mind moments before was not on my riding, but on this huge list of things that needed to be accomplished for me to get to my agreed upon “part time job” in helping out another. The job I had let spiral into as much as 55 hours or more a week, thinking as I was riding how I so needed to get back to the agreed upon 25 or less hours so I could live my life by reveling in the work that I so love doing and enjoying life.
Suddenly as I was spinning through the air, realizing I had not paid attention to the now suddenly loose girth on my horse, which caused the saddle to slip up over his withers as he stumbled and I lurched forward, he took to hard jumps and here I found myself laying on the ground, begging for the next breath to refill my now aching empty lungs.
My next thoughts were: I am supposed to be taking care of myself so I can help others. Not run me ragged as the sacrificial do-gooder, make everyone else okay and comfortable. Shine my light of understanding on everyone else but myself. Followed by “yes Universe, I was thinking about saying something, but…” excuses for not being in the total present moment and bam, “now my body demanded I take care of myself!”
Today marks 25 days of sleep, personal pampering, chiropractor, magnets, stretching, huge increase of water and breathing exercises, to find the biggest gem of my train wreck, seems all of my fears were stressing me out, and stress is dis-ease.
My current horse in training showing me how deeply entrenched I still had old habits of not enough-ness pushing my buttons. She is gorgeous and prettier when her ears are up and interested, not back and awaiting the next command. She has to be mentally and physically right; it is encoded in her genetics to survive in the herd a horse needs to find comfort in their placement.
In first acquiring her with a body of stiff, unyielding muscle and emotional habits of taught response to each piece of equipment and the movements of the humans she has encountered. Dealt to her not by uncaring, mean or vicious others, but by those who like me who were taught that there is this time line in which things must be accomplished. Pushing her to do things in a desire to fit another’s ideas of how she should be by such and such date. I received into my care a young horse, so tight, and bound up by being forced into a physical style that her body took and took, until she chose to behave exactly how she felt and refused to fit in. Until with timing and patience I am getting her to understand things can be different. I am listening, and I am allowing her to find what works best for her to be comfortable and move in time with a human.
So much like I now find myself… alive, able to choose, able to sense my next thought, feeling, idea or movement that fits me in every waking moment of the day, trusting my intuition with simple conscious awareness of what feels best for me. To share, to keep, to experience, and to coach others in finding their own unique signature and styles… One person, one animal, one breath, one moment at a time!!!