Coaching Awareness of Thoughts & Senses
Having taking a six months hiatus from writing to just observe the world and the reflections of where I am at “NOW” this word describing life to the fullest, because now is never before or after it is always the present moment.
I took a step back to find where and how my trained habits of unconscious thoughts were still running my life. I watched, I observed, and found what I didn’t like, once uncovered, noticed and understood… then I could change it, rearrange it, stop it, and find a different way to be.
As simple as that may sound, it takes absolute participation in each and every moment. Full awareness of the words I speak to… myself, others, animals, things, and circumstances, to become so in tune to hear me actually communicating with me in every present moment.
I have taken on a temporary job at a convenient store in an attempt to meet other non-horse people in this small town where I have lived for 11 years. Fascinated at all the untruths I had been locked into by beliefs I have been taught are real. About what to wear, do, be, or think for me to be okay. Fueled on by this immense desire to be free… of feeling wrong, needing to be right, or justifying things I do to fit in.
At the same time still training, coaching and teaching others as my life saver to sanity in this search for relief. Finding my immense fascination with words and their definitions receiving a huge update of possibilities to the once limited ones I had previously believed. I discovered that normalcy can and does change sometime in hours, minutes, moments, much less miles, weeks, and years.
Life is changing, evolving, constantly becoming more than it was yesterday, whether I allow it or not. I just hadn’t realized how hard I had been clinging to the side of this immensely flowing, ever changing river of life. Until thankfully 4 weeks ago, one of my own horses, unceremoniously, bucked me off as my mind moments before was not on my riding, but on this huge list of things that needed to be accomplished for me to get to my agreed upon “part time job” in helping out another. The job I had let spiral into as much as 55 hours or more a week, thinking as I was riding how I so needed to get back to the agreed upon 25 or less hours so I could live my life by reveling in the work that I so love doing and enjoying life.
Suddenly as I was spinning through the air, realizing I had not paid attention to the now suddenly loose girth on my horse, which caused the saddle to slip up over his withers as he stumbled and I lurched forward, he took to hard jumps and here I found myself laying on the ground, begging for the next breath to refill my now aching empty lungs.
My next thoughts were: I am supposed to be taking care of myself so I can help others. Not run me ragged as the sacrificial do-gooder, make everyone else okay and comfortable. Shine my light of understanding on everyone else but myself. Followed by “yes Universe, I was thinking about saying something, but…” excuses for not being in the total present moment and bam, “now my body demanded I take care of myself!”
Today marks 25 days of sleep, personal pampering, chiropractor, magnets, stretching, huge increase of water and breathing exercises, to find the biggest gem of my train wreck, seems all of my fears were stressing me out, and stress is dis-ease.
My current horse in training showing me how deeply entrenched I still had old habits of not enough-ness pushing my buttons. She is gorgeous and prettier when her ears are up and interested, not back and awaiting the next command. She has to be mentally and physically right; it is encoded in her genetics to survive in the herd a horse needs to find comfort in their placement.
In first acquiring her with a body of stiff, unyielding muscle and emotional habits of taught response to each piece of equipment and the movements of the humans she has encountered. Dealt to her not by uncaring, mean or vicious others, but by those who like me who were taught that there is this time line in which things must be accomplished. Pushing her to do things in a desire to fit another’s ideas of how she should be by such and such date. I received into my care a young horse, so tight, and bound up by being forced into a physical style that her body took and took, until she chose to behave exactly how she felt and refused to fit in. Until with timing and patience I am getting her to understand things can be different. I am listening, and I am allowing her to find what works best for her to be comfortable and move in time with a human.
So much like I now find myself… alive, able to choose, able to sense my next thought, feeling, idea or movement that fits me in every waking moment of the day, trusting my intuition with simple conscious awareness of what feels best for me. To share, to keep, to experience, and to coach others in finding their own unique signature and styles… One person, one animal, one breath, one moment at a time!!!