Monthly Archives: January 2015
What a word to wake up to, after having the cat jump up on my bed sneakily attacking any movement I made as I slowly stirred from several previous attempts to go back to sleep with just the short 6 hours accomplished from when I first crawled into bed.
As I lay lazily trying to distract the five pound kitten from his feed or play with me mode that was intruding upon my morning attempt to visualize my day’s programming. I felt this insistent urge to actually move, get up, readjust the heating blanket to just slightly warm and then go feed this persistent animal whose main focus is himself, right “NOW”.
After getting the kitty fed and crawling back into the warm covers quickly pulled over my head to block out the morning light, so I could lay in meditative thought over the words and phrases that were wandering through my mind. Slowly forming a more solid awareness over the cause of the last few weeks of the various ups and downs in my weight, my finances and my relationships, well aware of how all of this was a message to myself. A simple form of communication as I have been trying to tune back into of the synchronicities happening “to me” to find the threads that weaved them all together into the simpler flow of life I have been seeking to find.
Realizing I have been trying to get “In Sync” with me, with each of these tiny little forays in the various directions after I would have a thought which formed into an actual desire made manifest, just not quite what I was aiming for.
Though I was getting “literally” exactly what I was requesting. Every one of the manifestations had these “flags” with them, that I ambled right through, over and around, which is so easy to say now in my looking back. Yet the thing is, even though I subconsciously knew this, I continued on because “wow” I caused this by asking for it, so this must be “the answer”. Now realizing I am great at getting exactly what I ask for every, single, time. I just need to be really aware of what I truly am thinking or saying to myself.
The request for a tall, artistic, lives close, is interesting and fun… was those, but… texting instead of talking, etc??? Re-worded the request for conversation, someone to talk to… I then received an evening phone call that was male, cowboy, single, finds me intelligent, listening, but… all about him, no investment for anyone else, much less me. Discovering as I would randomly and just as quickly re-word my request for a preference. I would just as quickly manifest a response. Now realizing how much I need to slow it down, really start to listen to my thoughts and my “whole body’s” response to them. And damn if I didn’t notice I am not in full sync with myself… yet.
But that’s okay. Because I am here, writing it out, stepping around it, looking at all that “I” created and applauding myself on how fast “from my mouth to God’s ear” or more of my thought to my creation via the Universes response. Aware now of the power in every chosen thought, word, and idea that I do so powerfully teach and share for others by assisting them in hearing what it is they actually are saying, versus what they thought or intended to mean. I am really, really fine tuning me to be “In Sync” with all of me, slowing down to “Think and Feel”, “Feel and Think”.
This instant manifestation thing happens to each and every one of us every moment of the day, we just have to be aware of what it actually is we are asking, requesting, and thinking about. Our sub-conscious takes everything we think, say or do into consideration. It is not particular, segregated or prejudice. It loves us and believes every single idea, thought, belief and feeling we perpetuate. It is at our command… Hmmm… I love it “All of me” truly, truly matters.
I have been amazingly deep in thought the last few days after the transition of a very close friend through his sudden suicide. This has had me truly in a state of limbo after the high flying place I was in minutes before the text came across my phone, and I called the intermediary to find out what he knew that might have caused this to have happened.
Finding solace in my own form of therapy, as I processed all of our last few months of conversations, the chat texts we shared on FB, the last month of his posts on line and all the texting still found on my phone. In an attempt to understand, find a trail, see if there were signs that I might have missed. To become aware as I was backtracking that there was a lot of information there now in the close light of scrutiny that showed things were not going as good in the direction I thought we were in agreement on in his moving forward to his new job.
Today I find peace in the fact I was seeing him successful, and happy as with each talk he made progress forward toward the life that was calling him forward. Except for his not confiding in me about his lady friend, but for one remembered conversation about his not bringing her up because of a fear of what it might do to our long time relationship as friends who lived thousands of miles apart. With only one possible meeting back in October of this last year when he came down to Texas for a shooting match and my circumstances did not allow me to drive the 400 miles up to visit with him and watch him compete.
That morning conversation finding out that sometime recently in the same time of his job loss, having to relocate to another state and being out of work for 3 months before the new job became a reality, she had told him he would never replace her husband who had also committed suicide. “She could never love him!”
This hit me in a place I least expected it to.
I have been seeing someone, with this teeter tottering over my latest learning situation… I found many attractive, interesting and amazing things about this individual… while at the same time, several old patterns of thoughts from my past kept popping up. My mind “working diligently on keeping the positive thoughts out to the forefront, with the constant reminder of “this or something better” ringing in my head.
Today after my meditation, when I awakened from a short nap where I woke up from a remembering my friend, with a slight nudge back toward where I was at minutes before the text about his choice with his life. The light went back on so strongly over how much I have learned how to love living life alone. I play with my time and create awesomely when I am happy, fully enjoying each moment and things just manifest left and right.
Yes this present man did just manifest out of nowhere. Yes he has many of the physical qualities on my desire list, and yes I could “work” at having this all turn out. Except I have been trying to be open to the possibilities of something better, fun, easy, that feels good… All The Time.
Quoting Geneviee Behrend from Your Invisible Power:
“Your mental picture is the force of attraction which evolves and combines with Origination Substance into specific shape. Your picture is the combining and evolving power house, in a generative sense, so to say, through which the Originating Creative Spirit expresses itself. Its creative actions is limitless, without beginning and without end, and always progressive and orderly. “It proceeds stage by stage, each stage being a necessary preparation for the one to follow.”
Yes I attracted an eligible, possible, interested man. “BUT” there were so many buts, yes there were lots of my list there, but I was checking them off the wrong way, from information gathered that all stated the pieces were there if I wanted “work” to put them together in the format I am wanting…. Instead of look I am progressing forward in necessary preparation for what I am going to have with the right man.
SHEESH… I had a fantastic time last night at work, flirting and cutting up with men that are friends of mine. It is fun, easy, entertaining and draws life through me. Wow, exactly what I am stepping toward.
My friend’s message to me seemed to say “Love yourself, first, foremost and completely… You will never be happy if you settle” I could feel his support for my heart’s desire… Not my head and how to make another project work. “Keep my eye upon the doughnut, not upon the hole”, focusing steadily upon the good feeling, easy, fun, whole, wonderful, loving , richly supported relationship that I can feel, sense and now touch all around me.
Kind of a rambling post… but I wrote this for me in an awareness of the quote I keep posted on my computer screen:
“That constant desire to please all the time—that can get you in some shit.”
— Robin Williams
If it helps someone else that’s great. If not that’s okay to, for I have let myself off of the hook of believing anybody else’s rules or standards need to apply to my own heart and dreams!
Last Thursday the words just started pouring out onto the page…
Listen said the wind, gently playing in my ear
Softly, quietly, to the words that venture near
Feel the darkness calling, beckoning your name
Seeking now to tell you, there is nothing to this shame
Find the inner knowing, hidden buried much too deep
All those very sacred wishes, are still here for you to reap
Listen to it whisper, patterns of remembrance on your skin dear
Gently, stirring and arousing things you were taught and learned to fear
Silently you’ve been seeking, a way out of all this pain
Asking, working, breathing, any and every way to fully live again
Trust these feelings, thoughts, and whisperings within you still alive
More than mere imaginings, they are the real you that you hide
No more pretending, treading gently, heeding traditions from the past
Let the new in, take it slowly, allow each moment fully now to last.
Slept for 6 more hours on and off in the middle of the day. To be awoken from a dream that was so vivid, all physical sensations present except the smell of my surroundings:
I was wandering through some market place, naked, when I came upon this art gallery displaying kids pencil drawings on large old brown paper bags. All of the sacks had various 1st and 2nd grade type art of the dreams of each child of who they wished to become or do when they grow up.
All of the various bags were hung up with old wooden clothes pins, on rainbow primary colors yarn crisscrossing in each room through this one entire building in this old stucco market square.
When I noticed the drawings were for sale to raise money, and I began to realize the artists were children from the local school I drive for. So I began searching through the drawings looking for my friend’s daughter’s name. When an assistant to the gallery came up to help me and after we could not find the particular girl’s work, we called her mother, asking her to help us come up and search for it.
She arrived moments later and the first thing she spied was the light, lilac, giant stranded wool sweater I was carrying draped across my arm. Commenting on how much she loved the pattern of the knitters’ work, when across her shoulder I saw the man whom when we were teesn I adored, but had been banned from dating, going into one of the other rooms. She caught my sudden movement as I stopped to follow after him with my gaze. When she prodded me to go get dressed while she would tell him I was there. She then pushed me into the adjoining room to slip on the long oversized, rough textured body sweater. As I finish pulling the sweater on I could see him across the parking lot, looking tall, tired, and older, smoking a cigarette dressed in a light tan caftan shirt, dark charcoal grey business type trousers.
A meeting was set up for later in the day at some college where he was taking drafting courses. I arrived to go into the room just to left of his classroom. I watched as he came in to the room I was standing in the dark of the farthest corner of. Observing as he came in and began this religious ceremony that reminded me of the ceremonies of one who studies the religion of worshipping Allah with prayer before a small alter always toward the western sky. In my mind I was comparing how much each of us had changed from the loving constraints of our well-meaning parents as to what religion was best for us.
I waited till his ritual was over before I went up to him, touched his shoulder so that he would know I was there. As he turned to me, I saw this deep, tired expression on his face like carrying the world of expectation of what it was I probably wanted now. While in the background played Chistina Perri’s “A Thousand Years” as I began to lead him over to the prayer mats on the ground next to the sacred pool.
Assuming a crossed legged position, I beckoned him to join me and we watched as many different videos played in small floating colorful square framed holograms of singular flowers, displayed with each playing a different healing melody around the edges of the pool. I could feel the sense of ease as with each different tune, some old memory of pain floated up from within and was released.
After all of this sense of past struggle left my body. I reached for his hand and told him thank you… I finally understood. He looked at me with relief and release spilling down his face, to then ask me if this was truly all I had asked to meet him for. I said yes and wished him the peace and love I now felt coursing through every fiber of my being… Awakening to an immense sense of change deep within, followed by the incessant need to write it all down.