REVELATIONS TO SELF…
I have been amazingly deep in thought the last few days after the transition of a very close friend through his sudden suicide. This has had me truly in a state of limbo after the high flying place I was in minutes before the text came across my phone, and I called the intermediary to find out what he knew that might have caused this to have happened.
Finding solace in my own form of therapy, as I processed all of our last few months of conversations, the chat texts we shared on FB, the last month of his posts on line and all the texting still found on my phone. In an attempt to understand, find a trail, see if there were signs that I might have missed. To become aware as I was backtracking that there was a lot of information there now in the close light of scrutiny that showed things were not going as good in the direction I thought we were in agreement on in his moving forward to his new job.
Today I find peace in the fact I was seeing him successful, and happy as with each talk he made progress forward toward the life that was calling him forward. Except for his not confiding in me about his lady friend, but for one remembered conversation about his not bringing her up because of a fear of what it might do to our long time relationship as friends who lived thousands of miles apart. With only one possible meeting back in October of this last year when he came down to Texas for a shooting match and my circumstances did not allow me to drive the 400 miles up to visit with him and watch him compete.
That morning conversation finding out that sometime recently in the same time of his job loss, having to relocate to another state and being out of work for 3 months before the new job became a reality, she had told him he would never replace her husband who had also committed suicide. “She could never love him!”
This hit me in a place I least expected it to.
I have been seeing someone, with this teeter tottering over my latest learning situation… I found many attractive, interesting and amazing things about this individual… while at the same time, several old patterns of thoughts from my past kept popping up. My mind “working diligently on keeping the positive thoughts out to the forefront, with the constant reminder of “this or something better” ringing in my head.
Today after my meditation, when I awakened from a short nap where I woke up from a remembering my friend, with a slight nudge back toward where I was at minutes before the text about his choice with his life. The light went back on so strongly over how much I have learned how to love living life alone. I play with my time and create awesomely when I am happy, fully enjoying each moment and things just manifest left and right.
Yes this present man did just manifest out of nowhere. Yes he has many of the physical qualities on my desire list, and yes I could “work” at having this all turn out. Except I have been trying to be open to the possibilities of something better, fun, easy, that feels good… All The Time.
Quoting Geneviee Behrend from Your Invisible Power:
“Your mental picture is the force of attraction which evolves and combines with Origination Substance into specific shape. Your picture is the combining and evolving power house, in a generative sense, so to say, through which the Originating Creative Spirit expresses itself. Its creative actions is limitless, without beginning and without end, and always progressive and orderly. “It proceeds stage by stage, each stage being a necessary preparation for the one to follow.”
Yes I attracted an eligible, possible, interested man. “BUT” there were so many buts, yes there were lots of my list there, but I was checking them off the wrong way, from information gathered that all stated the pieces were there if I wanted “work” to put them together in the format I am wanting…. Instead of look I am progressing forward in necessary preparation for what I am going to have with the right man.
SHEESH… I had a fantastic time last night at work, flirting and cutting up with men that are friends of mine. It is fun, easy, entertaining and draws life through me. Wow, exactly what I am stepping toward.
My friend’s message to me seemed to say “Love yourself, first, foremost and completely… You will never be happy if you settle” I could feel his support for my heart’s desire… Not my head and how to make another project work. “Keep my eye upon the doughnut, not upon the hole”, focusing steadily upon the good feeling, easy, fun, whole, wonderful, loving , richly supported relationship that I can feel, sense and now touch all around me.
Kind of a rambling post… but I wrote this for me in an awareness of the quote I keep posted on my computer screen:
“That constant desire to please all the time—that can get you in some shit.”
— Robin Williams
If it helps someone else that’s great. If not that’s okay to, for I have let myself off of the hook of believing anybody else’s rules or standards need to apply to my own heart and dreams!