Monthly Archives: March 2015
Thank you Ellen for sharing your clips on YouTube with the world…
Wow!!! I feel a whole new life has found me and so much of it because I took the time to stop… everything that wasn’t absolutely necessary to do… to find and reconnect with all of me in the last 6 months from when I use to write and post regularly. I stopped to take on the biggest, scariest, toughest assignment ever. I took the time, energy, patience and faith to go inside, learn who I was or wasn’t, and what it was I truly desired with my life.
All of which came to an incredible climax this weekend as I was watching about my 1000th Ellen Show clip from another’s share on FaceBook, which led to me perusing through a few more from her shows clips, to come upon the one about the young man who shared his biggest fear via a video on YouTube about what his actual body looked like after a huge weight loss. After viewing it, I inadvertently clicked onto a page where it showed applications for nominating someone to The Ellen Show to receive a new vehicle. As I was reading the instructions I saw that one could nominate themselves???
How could this be??? The tears and emotion that came pouring up and out were so hard to deal with. I immediately closed the page and allowed myself to take in the onslaught of old personal issues… “How dare I think I deserved something I didn’t work for?” “Who did I think I was there are so many out there so much more in need and so much more deserving?” “Nothing comes for free you know, there is always a catch?” And then the biggest fear of all… what if anyone ever were to find out exactly all the things I have done, done without, just managed with or not done that got me into this mess “I made my bed and it’s my job to fix it!”
So I spent the next 48 hours struggling with this desire so strong to be given the chance to start over… though the thought of asking for help, letting any outsider know the truth of where one is coming from… and not be condemned. Made even more “in my face” as I struggled to maintain my everything is alright with the world personna. Since anytime I do not smile… others perceive me as mad or unhappy, all because of the still frozen in a smile left side of my face causes me to literally show how unbalanced and unhappy much smaller parts of the inner me still is.
Aware of how much I really and truly have been maintaining or working constantly to change, To feel I am okay, I do belong, I am allowed… just as I am, to be “Me different”! The universe then brought this fully to my attention when a male customer came in Sunday night and stated “Boy you have some really big hands”. I quickly replied “Thank you, they really helped holding a basketball!” when he then asked me to put my hands up to his where my fingers topped his by half an inch or so. Where he then remarked to his male companion “wow, would you look at this!” I suddenly was aware of how much “I felt” I towered over them, with either one about 5’6, to my just over 6′ with boots on.
After they left, the feeling inside was all of the old stuff about what others say, perceive or notice and I felt the still clinging old fears of getting out there and making a fool out of myself, by not trying to fit in.
I finished my shift. I came home, open the computer and stared at the application. Stopped and took a picture of me in my fear. Took a deep breath and told myself the answer would come to me when I woke in the morning, and then went to bed.
Woke up, took another picture, making sure I had the same shirt on. Opened to Ellen’s page, to find a different application, one for questions about the show. In tears as I read it and decided just doing this, was a step forward. I uploaded my picture of before, to then ask if they had ever had a show where others who were afraid to even ask for help because of some screwy mix up in their life learning’s over who could or should ask for help. If they had others on who were just managing to get by, that compared themselves to the two ends of the spectrum “those who have it all and those totally without” ones like me who just made do or without and they had been the recipients??
Thanked them for all they do, all the wonderful uplifting clips shared on YouTube, and for giving me the opportunity to just ask this question as a step toward working through my fear… then hit send! No editing, no take backs. Went to work, came home, and went to bed knowing today would be better.
Waking up to feed first, then started taking pictures of my progress as I realized the sun was still shining, the world didn’t come screeching in on me. And just as suddenly I started getting help and assistance from several surprising sources. My computer glitches were quickly cleared up by my HP provider. Apple fixed my IPhone and taught me how to make my own ring tone. A friend called up to tell me about the perfect new job for me. With each picture I took showing the difference of me facing and moving through this my latest challenging fear. Even up to now as I write, share and go to post my first truly personal revealing of how I look unposed, unaltered, in small, real steps of the true me to the world.