Category Archives: Adapting
Tears streaming down my face in apology, with no one physically present to have to apologize to. For something so simple that “I thought” I had unwittingly created a problem because I didn’t read all of the rules… After I received a polite reminder from a group I’m in.
When the feelings first came up of… shame, guilt, admonishment, reprisal??? My first thoughts started to run, I mean truly run off down that old bunny trail habit of beating myself up for my “mistake in not getting it right”… by accident.
Oh my God, who did I think I was?? I was just sharing, assisting, unasked, but coming from my best intention of the information being shared was valuable and might be of use to someone, besides just me.
When the second thought thankfully, quickly filled my mind… Cry, scream, bawl!!! React to exactly how I feel at this moment. For God’s sake woman, let it out, please don’t you dare stuff it again. Get in touch with all of yourself. That is what this moment is trying to teach you.
Don’t you feel it. Doesn’t it feel off? This reaction. This habit of thinking when someone else is just trying to reach out to let you know that you missed a turn. You went a block past your street. There is something here for you to learn. Your okay. It’s just a new step for you to choose, a new way to respond. A new better feeling belief to put in place, to replace a yucky old one that has been gumming up your reactions for years.
Ahh!!! The relief in actually listening to my thoughts and then truly finding what I am feeling as I have the thought. Something so simple as to actually respond to myself. By feeling, becoming present, honoring “my reaction” so I can find a new, better, feeling way to respond to each present moment.
Funny thing in being, in my allowing myself to be fully present with me just now. Was finding out how to fix one of the frustrating things about learning this new Office program. Where before I was inadvertently going from “insert mode” to “overwrite” mode and in not knowing how to fix it. I was just choosing to work around it, not understanding and scared of what I might have to learn… to utilize it. The answer now presented itself to me, as I was willing to be open to new possibilities to my “old reactive feeling thoughts”. By being open, actually acknowledging what I felt to be present in me. Allowed new possibilities in my life to show themselves now that I could actually see what I was doing to myself. Things are always working out for me when I allow, listen and feel for my inner guidance, present, in the moment.
I have spent the last few mornings opening and perusing my many uplifting emails from others. Always easily deleting the off-key nonessential ones that always contribute to my ability to choose what I allow into my mind. For me to find myself opening an email from another like to my blog which has been lying dormant, as the new seeds of certainty slowly spring to life. Opening up the husk of long held close reverence to the confidence that I have been fanning from a tiny old spark, to this consistent rising flame of life!
Life from beneath the ashes where I once quelled, lying shaken and afraid from my allowing a well-known critic (in my circle) to slash my last book attempt to fragments for “My Way” of connecting to others from my learnings with people and their horses. Allowing another’s power of “their” opinion to have any say whether I was good, or not…
So I retreated…
Deep inside to the murky waters of doubt that seemed to be so warm, safe, comforting…
Only to discover they were only concealing the truth of how truly powerful and awesome I was to those who needed and understood the view “I” was coming from. They are the ones whom I write and share for. There are many who might critique, complain and condemn my ways… But they are not of importance to me, except for how they remind me to look forward at my ability. Never back to the old ruts of OPO (other people’s opinion) that use to be the trap I so easily fell into.
This morning’s email being the third time this week that I have received thanks and likes about blogs that I had previously written months and years ago. Before I finally was caught in the deep old waters of fear that so easily encourage me back to their depths for the false safety of doing without movement forward, just resting in the their dark, murky depths…
No… I choose to rise!
Just this last week I went from just riding, interacting, and socializing fully with my horses, especially “Charlie” and my students. I am fully embracing, loving all of life again with biking 2 miles and walking 1 mile every day. Now finding myself, feeling amazingly alive because I choose to believe in myself, in my ability and right to do things my way in everything I do. Knowing and trusting those who need what and how I write, will find this to be blessed, encouraged or just amused at how easy it is to just “breathe”, take “baby steps” and the world will support you being fully true to Yourself! It is always Time!
The last few days have found me in a remarkable feat of truly cleaning house, barn and office. Espying things I so desire to now have, as I look around at what is here that I can change in a very concrete steps of movement forward, and all the while with an ear turned inward listening to the latest conversations going on in my head. Which less and less lately have been arguments between my old insistence of holding on to parts of my past that truly no longer serve me anymore and the truth of just letting go of them. I am realizing many of the items were things I was talked into and then have been clinging so hard to the imagined importance they have in my life.
The entire time my body has been orchestrating so many of the decisions by twinges of discomfort when I pick up an item to dispose of, then change my mind and put it back. Only to be met by a dull ache, which within minutes easily escalates to a full pain of “no, go it must”, after finding, pulling, stretching, massaging, even aspirin are not letting me off the hook.
Today finding me loads lighter, after several trips to sell, donate, or throw away various pieces and piles of memories I know needed to be looked at in a new light. Appreciated for their time in service to me and applauded for their holding out till I was ready to see… I truly can have my life, anyway that I desire. When I line up my outside world view with the way the inner me guides me to embrace my truly heart felt decisions. Guided by this whole body (heart, mind and spirit) which has been talking to me all along, just my understanding of right, wrong, rules, and long held decisions proclaimed to me from others as their truths. Really were “their” truths, they just didn’t and don’t fit me.
From my 29 x 38-40 inch inseams, to my size 8 ½ D men’s shoe size (that translates to about a 10 ½ to 11 in women’s) with my broad size large shoulders, to have to take up to a medium/small waste. My taste of cowboy boots, Wrangler blue jeans, and mostly cotton, soft to the touch, colorful sleeveless shirts, which I buy for the way they feel and fit. The sleeves are usually not long enough to get to my wrist, so I cut the sleeves off, redesign them into the pockets I prefer on shirts to hold my chapstick when I am out with the horses.
I am aware of my body’s guidance even now as I type for the words which just flow across the page, except for the feeling of stop, look again, maybe… then an aha as the right words fill in the pause of… hmmm, no not that… Yep that is perfect, as I smile aware of me finally getting me right. Topped off by the last few days of amazing, wonderful incidents of after each situation occurred and I calmly addressed the “that’s not what I had planned” with the words and the feelings of “this or something better” which resonated completely through all parts of me.
Last night’s clients choosing to wait two weeks to pay at the actual next lesson, instead of their usual pre-paying before the start of each new series. I breathed, smiled, said sure, while changing my plans for a meal out to what could be thrown together without going to town. As my youngest walked in, asked where we were going for supper, and before I could even get my thoughts together, said “my treat”, so off we went for a simple together supper. Where he then informed me he has been using my “thank you box” for himself. Hmm imagine that.
With this morning’s lesson a no show, I relished the cool weather and great ground after last night’s shower for me and my horses to utilize and enjoy. Followed by a quick trip to the feed and grocery store with a compelling urge to stop and buy some scratch off tickets. Which after all feed and groceries were put up, revealed 3 purchased tickets, 3 winners, $37.00 to the plus. All by listening to the inner guidance of my feeling good, my confidence with the quick impulses and my trusting my body for the distinct yes’s when I feel fine and the aches signaling I am out of sorts thinking and living from someone else’s beliefs or ideas of what is best for me.
Finding a peaceful, truly open feeling at my place as I discarded all of the stuff other’s, in their attempt to make my life comfortable to their beliefs and ideas of who I was expected to be. Now opens up and expands as I live for me, loving, caring and listening to all parts of me, guided by my every breath to know what is best and right for me to be the best me, listening to the Source within me!
I then got up, wandered into the kitchen, knowing my youngest had pre-made the coffee the night before. There is a few dirty dishes, one in fraction of this stage of the game. The coffee pot is sitting on the counter, empty?? I figured he must have forgotten to set the programmer. When I get this urge to follow the light rays I see in the hall. Suspecting what I am about to find. I open his door, his game screen is on and he is still in bed. Means he is late, as he was supposed to ride his bike, the two miles over to Wal Mart to meet his brother at 8, and it is 7:55 now. So I wake him up and tell him, his brother is going to be pissed, cause he is not out of bed and on his way to the meeting place. He gets up yelling at me??? I explain who is helping who? Leaving him to figure out what he could do next to solve his dilemma.
Walk back into the kitchen, now from this different door view spy the expected coffee. All down the side of the cabinet, on the floor, back under the sacks, everywhere a full coffee machine would spread the flow if the pot was not in the receiving position. I now know he did everything to make the coffee except, double checking, taking the time to see he had all of the steps done, taken care of, checked off, followed through. He comes in more yelling, can’t find his phone, can’t do the chores he was supposed to have done before he left, can’t find his shoes, and what was I looking at? I explained yelling was not making a great case for him, pointed out the misplaced coffee pot, the coffee everywhere, and the three other simple things from last night’s list, started, but not completed, or done correctly to benefit whom ever needed or used the items next.
A mumbled apology, “he’s figuring this out, we will find an answer”. Dressed, grungy, out the door, down the road on his bike. I now look at the kitchen, think…no feel for what do I want, hmmm? Coffee, so I start the cleanup, do the counter, then the wall, and down to the floor, first wiping it up, then cleaning spray, drying it down and off. Taking the used paper towel to the trash, I find the garbage sack at the bottom with all the accumulated trash on top, I take a deep breath, dig through the thankfully just paper towels off the roll he had gotten wet, by “accident” and discarded. Find the sack, with the band that holds it in place inside of it, and reassemble all the pieces. Go back to make the coffee, needing the measuring spoon, now not on top with the coffee where it belongs. I open the utensil drawer under the coffee maker to find the missing item, and coffee all leaked in there from the overflowing brewer. It all comes streaming forward, out the corner, back down the side of the cabinet, onto the floor, on all of these freshly cleaned surfaces. My mind reminds me of old lessons in cleaning, always from the top to the bottom. So I start the cleaning process again. The phone rings, it’s my youngest the neighbor is headed to Wal Mart, is he allowed to accept a ride for he and his bike? Wow, calling and asking first for permission to do things, cool, so I say yes, and expect a call when he gets with his brother.
Back to me, my needs, my feeling for answers. As I am going through the drawer, sorting, sifting, moving, re-arranging and cleaning each item, and the trays they are separated into, I notice that one tray has small, specialized utensils in it. The next tray has openers, of every type, style, and age of my life… I start reflecting of all the things I am opening up, sifting through, looking at to decide if they still fit and work for me, to then discard that which is out of date, unwarranted, or no longer used. I notice 3 really old fashioned bottle openers, and then realize the age of the house I live in, built in the 1930’s, my mom’s time. I become aware of how many of the ideas, thoughts and teachings I am letting go of and changing, reflect back to then. How much of my habits are strong reflections of my place in the rigid, family structure, taught and adhered to for so long. How and why I have held onto, lived with and kept so many things for so extremely long.
I grew up with hand-me-downs, take care of your little sister, play with her, share with the others, wait your turn, and leftovers. I learned to take what I was given, I was never enough, I was the go to person. I didn’t know how to fit or blend in. I was bigger, stronger, the tom boy, independent, athletic, and last. So I was suppose to allow for the others, and wait…
I kept cleaning, thinking, feeling, knowing I was onto something big, bigger than all the times before when I thought I had worked through this stuff. I made my coffee, when the cat began this incessant weaving in and out of my legs, acting starved, and attempting distractions for her to be first. I pushed her away, go to put in the coffee filter, it’s to small?? I reach back for the package, hmm 4 cup filter instead of 12, I will make do, figure it out. Suddenly thinking back to how much of my life has been the learned response from parents who grew up having to make do, hand me downs, figuring out how to scrimp and save, from their parents who grew up during World War 1 and 2. I think about how long and well I can make things last, how I learned to accept and love things till they fell apart. Always being cautioned about “you don’t know what you are getting yourself into?” Learning to hide whatever I was doing, because I just did what felt good at the moment… later to discover there were rules, regulations, expectations, and absolute no no’s that were punishable for being different.
I get the coffee set up, on, the pot in place, utensils, counters, and floor cleaned to start out to feed. Whack a set of claws across the shins,”ow” I look down she is pissed, I am taking way too long, I walk toward the feed container, “hiss” and KC springing from the sit position, splat! Right into a perfectly timed shoving foot, mad and indignant she goes over and sits by her bowl. I upright the feed container, looking at her bowl, to discover she still has feed in it, just not fresh, this mornings… Hmm I get the refill cup, put in ¼ cup, then refill it and head out to Minxy’s bowl outside. Call for her, she comes up, waits to be fed, then looks if I will offer a pet or scratch. I scoop her up, allow the soft needling of her claws, reveling in her ability to fend for herself, loving me as I am and accepting things here one aware moment at a time.
Head to the horses, who I have learned to not keep on a tightly, timed schedule, starting with their feed. As I walk up to Revolver, he pins his ear, chest up, neck arched…I am in an awareness mode. I look at him, look at his feed bucket, stand up straighter, to look at his feet and ask”back?” He stands there, raises his head just a smidgen, I lower my voice, up my entire body language and before the words can come out of my mouth, he takes two steps back, acquiescing to my knowing who the leader is. I feed him watching as I walk away that his manner remains nice, no ear pinning in suggestion that he has run me off as I am leaving. Walk to Freckles, all head up begging, pushy, I again ask “back” he raises his head in a “but please manner”, I announce “back, back, back” he puts his head to the side and takes the tentative required steps away. I continue on to Gidget, the little girl, asking for her to back up and wait. The response is “but I’m special, do I have to?” I just stand there; she finally takes a breath, lowers her head and steps back. I feed her and move on to Charlie, big, lovable, clown, who has the entire feeder full of dirt from frolicking waiting his turn. I walk up ask for the back, he picks his head up, looks down the side of his nose like “what’s up boss?” I just wait, he drops his head, tilts it sideways, noting my response, then takes the steps backwards, till I fill his bucket and walk away.
I know my world is constantly showing and sharing with me where I am at in my ability to receive and give. I am learning, I am allowing myself to feel for what I need next, now, as being my only agenda. All of this coming from the awareness of the last thoughts before I drifted off to sleep last night, of my world and all of the things that are constantly doing the “me” first dance in front of me. The hundreds of emails demanding I notice something is on sale, limited time only, money I can have if I do whatever hoop jumping they want now to get it, bills that send out reminders on the day they expect or expected payment if not received that day, though the actual late day is days, weeks, sometimes a full month away. The millions of things every other moment of the day, begging for my attention because I “should” feel guilty, sorry, angry, or frustrated enough to pay them attention so I can then have some peace and sanity for and to myself. I truly am beginning to love, sort, sift and feel for the next best thing for me, by me, with me…Because I am worth it, I have faith in the God, Universe, Source that put me here to experience life in my shoes! Concsious Awareness Training Sessions this is what I teach, who I am, what I share, live, learn, and adapt my every moment with!
Doubly interesting one in going to take the picture of my sign, my youngest’s handiwork has fiddled with my good camera, so I have to relearn it to figure out what settings he has changed. But I just took the best picture ever with my phone, sent it to myself, cropped it, saved it and in sharing it realized it is the first time I have just put my new sign up on the internet. Like I am suddenly realizing my true value of me and my abilities to share with those who are seeking this form of teaching! Way Cool!