Category Archives: allowing
I have spent the last few mornings opening and perusing my many uplifting emails from others. Always easily deleting the off-key nonessential ones that always contribute to my ability to choose what I allow into my mind. For me to find myself opening an email from another like to my blog which has been lying dormant, as the new seeds of certainty slowly spring to life. Opening up the husk of long held close reverence to the confidence that I have been fanning from a tiny old spark, to this consistent rising flame of life!
Life from beneath the ashes where I once quelled, lying shaken and afraid from my allowing a well-known critic (in my circle) to slash my last book attempt to fragments for “My Way” of connecting to others from my learnings with people and their horses. Allowing another’s power of “their” opinion to have any say whether I was good, or not…
So I retreated…
Deep inside to the murky waters of doubt that seemed to be so warm, safe, comforting…
Only to discover they were only concealing the truth of how truly powerful and awesome I was to those who needed and understood the view “I” was coming from. They are the ones whom I write and share for. There are many who might critique, complain and condemn my ways… But they are not of importance to me, except for how they remind me to look forward at my ability. Never back to the old ruts of OPO (other people’s opinion) that use to be the trap I so easily fell into.
This morning’s email being the third time this week that I have received thanks and likes about blogs that I had previously written months and years ago. Before I finally was caught in the deep old waters of fear that so easily encourage me back to their depths for the false safety of doing without movement forward, just resting in the their dark, murky depths…
No… I choose to rise!
Just this last week I went from just riding, interacting, and socializing fully with my horses, especially “Charlie” and my students. I am fully embracing, loving all of life again with biking 2 miles and walking 1 mile every day. Now finding myself, feeling amazingly alive because I choose to believe in myself, in my ability and right to do things my way in everything I do. Knowing and trusting those who need what and how I write, will find this to be blessed, encouraged or just amused at how easy it is to just “breathe”, take “baby steps” and the world will support you being fully true to Yourself! It is always Time!
Interesting the turns one’s life takes, when we allow the Universe to work with us, instead of us working and struggling alone trying to get it all done… right NOW! This morning being a perfect example of the way life can be when we ask, believe, and get out of our beliefs of this is the only way it can happen or be.
I have been juggling the last few months with my trying so many unsuccessful ways to move forward… “now”, “quickly” with my stubborn attempts to free myself from this old feeling of stuckedness. As I tried, schemed, planned and determined what the “it” was I was stuck in, with the added complication (in my minds way of thinking) of my body’s occasional shenanigans of various nicks, scratches, minor pains and some downright breath taking falls. All in my stubborn determination to “get it done” and over with this time once and for all.
Solidly going through my self-determined path of how and what “it” was going to be. Finding interesting, tantalizing, and annoying side roads that made the newest espied discovery, a possible quicker fix to getting me out of my own confusion of how and what the problem was, that this newest presentation, ad, or suggestion present in front of me promised would whisk me to my desired goal right NOW.
All in all a great way to spend my time running in circles of doing, trying, listening to and trusting “all” of this outside stuff to be more important than the path my inner self was trying to guide me on when this newest tempting suggestion would suddenly appear. Such a great game of cat and mouse, without me actually having to slow down to fully believe and trust in all of me, all of the time.
As I look back on how easily I have been swayed to look anywhere outside of me and yet still not trust or feel the tiny, fleeting sense of doubt that was throwing up the red flags at whatever was present was just a “tiny ant trail” not the main path for me to go. Until came the moment I was spinning in the air from being “bucked off” one of my own horses. Where I became aware of how all of my choices of moving so mentally quickly, flashed through my mind as I was somersaulting to the ground. I could look back in slow motion to the point in time where I had failed to fully cinch up my saddle, as my mind was not in that moment but a full hour ahead rushing to my next appointment.
The last few weeks since then I have made several trips to my chiropractor to adjust the various parts of my anatomy that took the opportunity of this latest incident to get me to really slow down and listen to my body and how I feel God communicates with me. First with my ribs being out, I had to learn to take things really, really slow, for every breath was a fully conscious experience as I expanded and contracted my healing ribs. My hip allowed me to find how to truly, slowly feel and enjoy each movement in my daily stretches that I use to just do, to be done, checked off the list, not relish and attempt to stretch a little further every time to become more flexible. To finally my neck, which woke me up yesterday so stiff, sore, and unyielding in its almost bringing me to tears of desperation as I knew it was Sunday and no one local available for me to go to for an adjustment.
So I stretched, very slowly, very deliberately, fully involved with what my muscles could tolerate, feeling, sensing, listening and tuning in to me… The thought blinked in my mind’s eye to look up video on YouTube on how to pop my own neck after I finished all of my stretches. My neck still stiff, unyielding and throbbing as I began to watch the various offered options as I tried feeling for the right one, finding the lessening of pain as my guide, to fully view or continue in my search until I found one that gave incredible easy relief for me. The whole time I am communicating with my neck for answers and by following its directives, I ended the day comfortable including one last set of stretches before going to bed. This morning waking up gingerly, feeling and sensing for any soreness as I allowed answers to filter through my mind. Hearing the phrase that I have been affirming for months “This or Something Better” in a whole new way.
All of this pain has been me trying to tell me how I have been going in circles with so many of the mantras, affirmations, beliefs and thoughts that continuously seemed to “always” flood my brain as the quick fix, say it 50 times and be done solution that I have been stuck in. Now I heard and understood what I had been trying to do with any affirmation…not feeling the answer resonate with me as a way to live my life.
To say words and not realize I was holding myself prisoner by repetition of thinking I was doing it right. Not getting into the feel of what “This or Something Better” truly could mean for me. I was saying the words, and then jumping on each passing possibility suggested by another as the something better. Even though deep inside I could feel the tiny hesitation “really, hmmm, okay” and all the other signs that meant I wasn’t grounded in the truth for me.
This morning I saw the small sucker limb on this old mesquite tree, about 15 feet below the offending mistletoe infestation that I was thinking the tree needed to be trimmed back from again. Which having been done many times in the past and still the infestation returns. Yet in my mind to cut the tree back to the place this new limb is coming from I would be afraid I would kill the tree. Instead of allowing God to show me how simple it is to have the answer just present itself to me at the perfect time in the perfect way… Because I asked, left it alone and allowed for a better answer than the only one I could at the moment possibly see or imagine… instead of just seeing the tree free of the problem and thriving. Life is a miracle when I let go of imagining that “I have to know the how” to get or do all the possibilities to cause the outcomes and just let it all become what I dream of with thankfulness!
Suddenly there he was realizing, he was in it alone to figure out. Started talking out solutions, expecting answers, help, or contributions, still nothing, until he made an actual decision to just make do with what was there. He ended up making salad, with a sausage, pasta, marinara combination. It was simple, it was good, he did all the steps, by himself.
Though the kitchen took a toll, which started with almost the same routine, I just caught myself in time for “us” to get it cleaner than when I came home. All of it made more possible with a change in my perspective, I am learning to give myself permission to allow him to rant, ramble, fumble, and then decide he is responsible to do his part. Team work, partnership, part of what makes this place a home, two people live here, two people can do so much more than one, and being allowed to make a creative mess, is doing something. Little baby steps for him learning to do it alone. Big baby steps for me, to leave him to figure it out, better when as I learn to keep my mouth closed, not respond the habitual way I use to. Breathing, sighing, as I listen for the timer on the oven, for the chocolate mint cake, I finally had to make, to taste the batter, sweetly, on my tongue… A full mouth is so much easier to keep closed! 😀
I agreed with it, on the last part of “my best interest” and yet still sat, playing more games of solitaire, losing, and just allowing the thoughts and ideas to come. At the same time very much aware of my body, how the first two cups of coffee tasted, felt, were. How it had felt to just linger this late in the morning till 7:30, it being Saturday and no bus route today, with the horses acquiescing to my slow deliberately feeding, haying, watering, and checking each pen to see that the occupants were managing, the soft, slow, consistent misting rain of the last 24 hours. My personal idea of perfect rainfall, making the weathermen right, for it is precipitation, giving a solid footing to my sandy arena, with it being soft and slow enough to still allow for my later lessons. The water is allowed to soak slowly into the ground. Dampening all of the dried out pastures, aiding the winter grasses just beginning to show themselves in their crisp, bright, green finery. Adding moisture to the long dried out air, moving in visible sheets of dancing droplets, making wonderful interchanges of delightful scenes in my ever aware gaze across the distant pastures. This dance showing Mother Nature’s awareness of the soil’s need to adhere to its current place, protecting, and nurturing the roots of the growing plants as the moisture seeps slowly into the awaiting ground beneath it.
I had everything fed, tended to, made coffee, read, sat and played till I felt this impulse, intuition, sensation, a kind of release that started in my belly, growing until it spread all the way to find an agreeing place in my mind. Causing me to win the last hand, close the solitaire program, and open Word, type the title, fiddling with my choice of colors, every step carefully aided with a strong matching sense in my gut. Then I just started typing, and of course my mind just flowed with words, all with no effort as the sentences began to take form in front of my flexing fingers, as today’s blog unfolded.
Easier and easier this has become, as I have been allowing myself to learn how to do this sharing on my imaginary paper screen before me. Remembering as I type, the place many years ago that typing befuddled and confused me… be a secretary? Nope could not imagine myself in an inside job, so my mind would argue for how hard this was… then finding myself in really exciting position which offered substantially more money if I could type. I asked the Universe, you know the prayer “God, Help, Please!” A lady in the office walking past my desk seeing my struggle. Described a process never taught in school (or I wasn’t ready there, at that time), and suddenly my fingers found the right keys and just flew.
I remember this morning, my youngest chores from the night before, half done, messy, more aggravation, my initial communication changing even as I talked to him. Aware of as he walked off how it felt still not right coming out of my mouth, then feeling for a better way to say it next time. The words will be like the ones I say in my mind to me, “I know I am figuring this out”, to “I know we are figuring this out”. That slight change in thinking, now sending such a ripple flow of ease through me of a better, easier, and simple phrase to say, which lets us both off the hook.
A habit caused by the hurry of reacting to things, instead of feeling, finding, pro-acting. My years of habitually reacting to situations are now on my list of things that I am aware of, so I can and am changing. As I become conscious of each feeling choice I make. All much more becoming, and happening because I took the time, to find, process and allow my body’s gut feeling to lead! I am so good and getting better, moment by moment. By choosing to consciously live in the NOW!
I then headed into work listening and feeling for more information. I drove… letting words ramble in and out of my head. Some of them consisting of old stories which now when they come up to present themselves to me, I realize these stories always hold clues. Much like an old tapestry with millions of wonderful threads, whose picture, though present seems fuzzy, out of focus. The patterns from before thrown together for a quickly finished, shady project, lacking the luster and warmth of love and lif,e understood and fully lived. In the hurry of the weaver to just get it done, finished, to be able to go on to the next.
I have been gathering each thread as I find the trail of where and how it has been sewn into my past memories, with only the view I had known in the past. Awareness now changing the entire selection into a beautiful, luscious, engaging view as I learn to find the understanding that was missed before, with all of my anger, blame and low sense of self, in trying to live my life by making others happy.
A very strong memory comes to the surface, it is one that has risen many times in the past, gathering my full attention to the lack of my own follow through because I loved and respected others wishes before mine. “Before mine” my mind shot back at me, as I wrestled with the frustration so easily to come to the forefront. I shook it off, but in the shaking, rattled a new thought which found me. Now before my mind’s eye flashed a dozen different times I would date others to fit into the mold I had been taught since small. How much this one scenario and a few others differentiated from the strict guidelines always causing me to think my choice out. Then I would choose to make nice, keep everyone happy, placing another bar on the door, another thread woven, forced into place.
As I am watching these stories, I suddenly feel and find peace… I am okay, I get it. The ahhh so felt in the sigh, here was this guy, I was friends with, I would do anything for, I was miles (374) away from home. No one to watch, judge, speculate or tell on me. I was on my own. Four of the six scholarships I had received at graduation, plus working 80 hours a week had given me my freedom. I was away at a rodeo college, deep in the middle of Texas mountains, the nearest next big town 150 miles north, south, or east. Pristine, gorgeous, clear, clean skies, miles of nothing but views, horses, cattle, cowboys…free! Free to choose, pick, and decide for myself. He was in several of my classes. We were just friends. He had all the things I so desired, dreamed about, wanted. Horses, truck, trailer, dogs, and he roped. We played cards, aggravated, teased, just a great friend. He discovered my tendency for working for a quick buck, and his immense dislike for cleaning. So we traded, apartment cleaning, truck washing, pants mended, whatever he came up with…I accomplished.
He liked the girl in the dorm room next to me, I instigated a date. We were friends. I met his folks, they liked “me”. I was cool with just being friends, having fun. Second semester, suddenly my mom offers to contribute to my college by paying for every other semester, after…I completed the previous one.
Suddenly my mind sees the miswoven thread. I had mistakenly in my mind given up my freedom to choose. Now I was doing everything to tow the mark, to have them help fund half my college. Somewhere I bought into from old years of practice of my past if I screwed up and didn’t make them happy, “I”, who was not like the others. “Cathy” and all the myriads of nicknames no one at college knew, so I got to totally reinvent myself. I was “allowing” myself to believe they held the answers, they held the keys, I was not good enough. So when they met him, as he helped load my stuff on their truck to take me back home for the summer. They informed me by both their looks down their noses at him, plus the long speech of where would my life be if I were with a cowboy, remember “their” game plans.
So I walked away, and kept walking away from the few I did meet, and his picture that kept resurfacing. Cause of this feeling, woven tight, deep, and constantly through my life, which I allowed to put a strangle hold on me. Including, as I was re-examining it now, as I weave it into the new place of beauty and freedom. That story was also a total match for my financial pattern. Always working, striving aiming for this mark down the road. Where only when I live up and fulfill this ideal from and to please others will I receive the pot of gold they had extended out as an ever lengthening carrot stick.
Wow, I rock, I am listening, my body is communicating, I find the answers, the pains, and aches disappear. I am incredible, I am allowed…To be anything, anybody, whatever flips my switch. Today is another step in my continuing journey toward all of me!