Category Archives: Awakening
The last few years I have sparsely written, as I had chosen the path of true self-discovery. Much like the weaver of a blanket who discovers in their almost completed project a couple of twisted out of place threads, which could have been just snipped, untwisted and replaced. Yet who knew instead there was much more to be gained in going back, completely undoing the months and years of work, to slowly… with new found awareness, patience and complete love of self to a place of truly knowing who I am worth to choose to rework the entire weave.
The last couple of years here in this small Texas town that has weathered the destruction and reconstruction (for me such a perfect outward expression of my inner journey) a tornado, straight line winds, massive rainfall, and just recently the edge of a hurricane, the eye passing within thirty miles to the east of here.
My oldest son changing jobs, buying his own place and settling into his current phase of life, whilst my youngest graduated, worked a series of fast food jobs, before finally finding work he truly, currently, enjoys. Including his moving out in the last few weeks as part of the series of learning the value of being on his own, which amazingly accompanied my own realization of how much of my life had been programed to taking care of others first.
In reweaving my life’s blanket, the threads I have gone within to find were all of the beliefs given to me by well-meaning others, the media, society, any and everything else that has attempted to tell me who I am so that I fit their idea of me.
I had just about found my way back to the first third of my life’s blanket the month after my youngest graduated last year, when I discovered this strange lack of activity in my routine. In puzzling over the difference as I continued with my “normal” routine, when the awareness of what the something missing was finally found me. For the first time in 24 years I did not have to “run” to school, the store, and the office to report, fix, repair, replace or return anything in assisting my boys in getting through school to be the somebody’s society expected.
I found myself bathed in the uncertainty of who was I really? I had this enormous list of things I was doing to fit into being “who I thought I was supposed to be”. Followed by slowly, carefully, daily, unthreading, unwinding, and sorting through the colors of beliefs, ideas and suggestions that I had learned to believe were supposed to be me. Thus utilizing yoga, exercise, diet, reading, and listening to a variety of authors as I allowed myself to actually discover, be content, and happy, by doing whatever I truly desired.
It took this last year with lots of alone time with the horses, the cats, the dog, myself, this place with its amazing views and the assortment of clients for me to see the reflection of who I had been, who I could be, who I was… always vividly portrayed by the situations I would see in front of me.
I have learned what the horses have shown, taught and instilled in me, as my truth. Everything is a result of what I am vibrating, feeling, being and expecting. There are no exceptions. It took almost stripping myself bare, learning to listen to every single thought, really feeling every feeling, awareness to every word I spoke aloud to finally realize I had created my entire life, no exceptions! If I truly desired change, I would have to be as aware in my moment to moment activities of my mind, body and beliefs, as I am when I am fully aware in handling and working with anything new.
There are no idle thoughts or feelings. Animals are gifted that way. They feel their way by living fully in each moment. There is no worry about tomorrow, or yesterday. Only this moment exist.
All of my old habits of thoughts as to what another thinks is okay or right… have been the walls of the prison I held myself in by thinking that I have to be some particular way to have a life, much less my life.
I am in such an amazing place of awareness and appreciation for everything I have ever done. I KNOW I can say no and not give a rip about anyone else. Because I truly am the only one who creates in my reality. I am really for the first time in forever knowing and loving who I am, what It is I desire, and who I comfortably, completely, thoroughly enjoy being and becoming more of. I am in love and at home with myself.
I have spent the last few mornings opening and perusing my many uplifting emails from others. Always easily deleting the off-key nonessential ones that always contribute to my ability to choose what I allow into my mind. For me to find myself opening an email from another like to my blog which has been lying dormant, as the new seeds of certainty slowly spring to life. Opening up the husk of long held close reverence to the confidence that I have been fanning from a tiny old spark, to this consistent rising flame of life!
Life from beneath the ashes where I once quelled, lying shaken and afraid from my allowing a well-known critic (in my circle) to slash my last book attempt to fragments for “My Way” of connecting to others from my learnings with people and their horses. Allowing another’s power of “their” opinion to have any say whether I was good, or not…
So I retreated…
Deep inside to the murky waters of doubt that seemed to be so warm, safe, comforting…
Only to discover they were only concealing the truth of how truly powerful and awesome I was to those who needed and understood the view “I” was coming from. They are the ones whom I write and share for. There are many who might critique, complain and condemn my ways… But they are not of importance to me, except for how they remind me to look forward at my ability. Never back to the old ruts of OPO (other people’s opinion) that use to be the trap I so easily fell into.
This morning’s email being the third time this week that I have received thanks and likes about blogs that I had previously written months and years ago. Before I finally was caught in the deep old waters of fear that so easily encourage me back to their depths for the false safety of doing without movement forward, just resting in the their dark, murky depths…
No… I choose to rise!
Just this last week I went from just riding, interacting, and socializing fully with my horses, especially “Charlie” and my students. I am fully embracing, loving all of life again with biking 2 miles and walking 1 mile every day. Now finding myself, feeling amazingly alive because I choose to believe in myself, in my ability and right to do things my way in everything I do. Knowing and trusting those who need what and how I write, will find this to be blessed, encouraged or just amused at how easy it is to just “breathe”, take “baby steps” and the world will support you being fully true to Yourself! It is always Time!
The light just totally went on!!! The post I just read thinking’s spilt out onto the page for me to find. So fitting with the short delving into the book “Thick Face, Black Heart” and my last two intense weeks of reading, listening and meditating on both Catherine Ponder’s and Florence Scovel Shinn’s works. All of which I had been allowing myself to just be still with this morning for me to put all of this introspecting together with the discovery of a manila folder labeled with my oldest son’s name in a pile of what I had assumed were my boys grade school works of art. But instead of finding his stuff, there were safely all of my poems, drawings and writings. About my desires, wish, hopes, and dreams that I placed in this folder from out of my wish book, right after I crashed back in 2007 and I had thought all hopes of ever achieving were lost to me… To be found 2 days ago in my thoroughly cleaning out and discarding, bags and boxes full of old stuff. Which I have truly dug through and honestly looked at with the eyes and heart of do I need, desire or even mildly like that which now sits in front of me to see.
Interestingly enough finding these works of mine came right after reading in the book Dynamic Laws of Prosperity “Begin now by first asking yourself just what it is that you honestly desire most in your life. Be specific; be definite, and sincere with yourself. Then write down your dominant desires. Thereafter, declare in privacy, without telling anyone what you are doing, the divine fulfillment of your desires.”
Fascinated because these are my dreams…that I had shelved, hidden, even obscured from myself, except when one of the poems would briefly come into my mind for a second and I would try to remember all of it and then became afraid that maybe it was all of that dreaming had caused my dis-ease in the first place. Yet now, today looking back, I realize my being sick came was because I shared them with others who… I had allowed to change, correct, or minimize “My Deepest Desires” until my inner being had had enough of this lifelong tug of war of trying to “FIT IN”.
I have discovered in the last few months of introspect… that all of these teachers, writers, yogis, and gurus I have spent the last seven years following. Are just giving us their versions of how they accomplished things to have “their” lives work for them. We are all made as individuals looking for “Our own unique Signature and Style”!
Even now as I edit this, I am aware of the subtle hints my own inner beingness has been whispering to me as I have been persistently searching for my own direct connection. Noticing signs, slowing down to feel is this part of the trail, or is this the full deal. Much like when I find a new recipe that appeals to me, and as I am tasting, imagining and smelling the final results in my body. I find sometimes as I begin to read what I have printed out and go to the kitchen to see how many of the required ingredients I have on hand. I will espy a spice, or condiment I can substitute because I have almost all of the other ingredients, instead of stopping, running to town and buying the few other things I might need. To then find a better, tastier and many times awesome upgrade that is perfect for me.
By Jove I think I have this! As I walked around this morning raking hay and the metal handle snapped. My first thought was hmmm… then in my mind’s eye I remembered all the various sized pieces of scrap pipe in the barn. Took the rake in, found the pile, and rummaged through it till I found a perfect fitting piece. Then cut both the new internal extension to the right length, the rake handle open, rebending the flattened pieces, slipped in the extension now garnished with QuikSteel weld. Followed by a wrap or two of duct tape to allow usage of it until it can be taken up to the schools welding shop with my youngest son for his class tomorrow.
I am always guided; it just has been such a struggle to believe in myself… again. Because before I never really trusted or believed in me 100% all of the time, I so bought into the sideshow of life that tried and very successfully convinced me I didn’t have the right stuff. Except for when all of a sudden I was doing what minutes, days, weeks, months before I had been told was impossible… Hurray for me. I am beginning to confidently and consistently hold my own in a world full of other people’s opinions about life and doing it all My Way!!
“Explanations usually come along with intuitive messages on a “need to know basis.” When the bigger, more important messages need to surface, they will, so pay attention! Listen with your heart. We now know that the heart has many more neurons than it would need just for circulation of blood. By following through on your everyday hunches, you are actually taking test drives, virtually honing in on your listening skills. These skills will serve you well. Everyone is apparently somewhat psychic, but many people just have flabby psychic muscles.
Learning to listen to your inner dialog tones and strengthens this muscle. The more you use your intuition the better you get at it. When we choose to ignore our gut instincts, we are only hurting ourselves. The holistic or wholistic movement is about healing this problem.
Listening to your intuition is the essence of art and creativity and soulful living. Intuition is what you use to find the purpose of your life and your place in the world. Once you awaken your inner guide by unlocking the wisdom of your subconscious mind, you already know what to do.”
Perfectly timed morning email message to allow me to know “I Am” learning to listen to the guidance from within me as I made my way through my morning tasks, finding with each step I am taking a softening of how I did and now will be viewing and living my life. Aware of how I am choosing new words to describe things that before I “always” used terms about my work, chores, and jobs that defined my life in a feeling of have to, must, and some absurd time schedule to get things done, now, immediately, quickly and efficiently so that the job would be done right and I could mark it off as complete to get on to the next thing on the list.
There is no real joy I now find in doing that. Though I did have the satisfaction of completion and accomplishment… but not the reveling in each moment as when the water trough fills and I espied Charlie stopping in his eating to stop and look to see what I was watching.
The world responding to me, what I am vibrating out, how I am breathing… I can tell by how peacefully he looks, checks back in with me and then grabs another mouthful of hay as the water just starts to overflow from his trough and I kink the hose to move down to the next pen.
These simple things that I so relish now in the steps of early morning feeding, which before I had been pushing myself to get done in this old habit or belief of an accomplishment done, trumped the joy in each step or new thing observed in completing the task at hand. Hearing the words I have spoken a thousand times to my students “a quarter inch improvement’ will slowly and surely build the steps to mastering their connection with a horse. Fluidness comes from being in the moment, sensing, feeling, flowing, and accomplishing without having to stop, think, fumble, and then take a breath with any movement forward in our awkwardness to get “it” right so we fit in to the ideal mold we have stuck in our head.
Once again aware of how much I have been actually talking to myself when I teach others… just not listening to what I was saying. The blessing being is I am enjoying the fruits of my awakening as I realize I knew the right answers all along for me… just with no belief or confidence in my own connection that the still small voice from within was God answering me. I did not “use” to believe in my own worthiness to have, much less be allowed a direct connection. Still small steps, ah hah moments, deep breaths of awareness, learning to be aware if I am smiling, truly enjoying each moment… and loving the progress!
I am not allowing myself to receive, something is holding, restraining me from allowing in all the abundance that I seek. I sighed; I was willing to allow myself to be guided to the answer. The next thought was check your email, hmmm, before my shower??? So I walked in the office turned on the computer, went to my in box. Oh my God, there were 6 comments from BLC. So went to the sight, tried to go to the comment section, the internet went down. So I took the feeling of anticipation from all of those comments waiting on me and showered, scrubbing, feeling, searching for any particle of uckiness that might be still there from yesterday, till all I could feel was clean, refreshed, awake and ready.
Got out, dried off, and with a keen sense of excitement, went and read all of the comments, so very fiercely needed, appreciated and desired. Then the tears began as I realized ya’ll all understand and are being blessed with your own insights and understandings from my writings. I really do have a gift to share, to offer, I really am aligned with the conversing part of me, I really do know how to share in words.
Then the word fiercely stuck in my head all morning:
Definition of FIERCELY
: in a fierce or vehement manner i>fiercely competitive>
: to a high degree : very i>fiercely expensive>
Related to FIERCELY
Synonyms: achingly, almighty, archly, awful, awfully, badly, beastly, blisteringly, bone, colossally, corking, cracking, damn, damned, dang, deadly, desperately, eminently, enormously, especially, ever, exceedingly (also exceeding), extra, extremely, fabulously, fantastically, far, very, filthy, frightfully, full, greatly, heavily, highly, hugely, immensely, incredibly, intensely, jolly, majorly, mightily, mighty, monstrous [chiefly dialect], mortally, most, much, particularly, passing, rattling, real, really, right, roaring, roaringly, seriously, severely, so, sore, sorely, spanking, specially, stinking, such, super, supremely, surpassingly, terribly, that, thumping, too, unco, uncommonly, vastly, vitally, way, whacking, wicked, wildly
To cause me as I drove to allow tons of layers of the bandages, cast, stitches, and coverings on my heart from so many with their good trained intentions of what or how I should be living began to fall away. As layer, after layer came to my awareness for me to examine and now see so very differently than ever before. I am in love with life, fiercely, completely, intentionally. Always have been, just been put down, shamed, discouraged, and disallowed anytime I began to show sparks of happiness, joy, and pure undiluted love for anything that did not fit the norm, standards, ideal, belief or wishes of others.
I have fiercely loved others, animals, places, things. People who have either not loved themselves, so it made them uncomfortable and could not handle so much of being adored for themselves. Did not fit in with my family or friends idea of what was best for me. I have loved animals, places and things that were the wrong color, type, sex, size, shape…etc. All fit the description of wrong for everyone but me. I just saw the possibilities and loved anyway.
I went into business for myself as a trainer, professionally in 1986. The only credentials I had at first were I “was” winning, just not in the style like everyone else. I took clinics and lessons… which kept me in the money, just now 2nd’s and 3rds. I did not have the accepted background. I was a city kid, till college and 1976 when I found a place to keep a horse and bought my first one. So I was a hungry trainer, took in kids for afterschool and taught them to have fun and ride on my horse. They began winning, everywhere I took them. I began having students, because the bigger trainers were full and I was available to have the kids dropped off after school from their school bus…My place was the first on the route. My kids and their horses began to win. I got turned in for child abuse, when one of the well-off students’ parents, got mad cause their daughter didn’t win, and the kid everyone disliked, won on her unregistered horse, and rubbing it in attitude. I stood up for her, cause she earned her wins. All but her and her horse left. I started over, with the students and horses no one else could do anything with. The rules were, everyone had to help everyone else (no telling who would be the one to help you out when you really might need it) you had to learn how to actually ride and work with your horse( from big heavy rough bits, back to simply asking, receiving, responsive riding) it was supposed to be fun, you must love what you are doing, smile and be able after a run to tell what 3 things you did right, before you could bitch about each 1 thing you did wrong. The winning just happened and exploded. I was one of the best as a coach. My personal winning… was always just enough to pay for each trip and entry.
I was so glad it was dark as I drove, the tears just kept flowing, as I realized all the pressure I had been mistakenly under trying to fit in. And the craziness of each time I added a layer of others opinions, how much it was tearing me up, and blocking my view. I suddenly see, know, and realize how much more I truly have to give and offer. How I really do know how to create, expand, and be more than all of that fitting in crap I was spoon fed from trying to please others to fit in, who were themselves disconnected and so buying in to thinking instead of feeling for what is there inside each and every one of us from God/Source to shine, love, and become are best just like we are. We are all created in his likeness, for us to experience, find and create all of the marvelous ideas, thoughts, dreams and wishes he keeps allowing us to feel inside.
My last thoughts for this morning, I read about the train in several others post and from Margarita about deciding to jump from the old way of yucky old past thoughts, to the one bounded for our wonderful new tomorrows. I think it will be more fun to allow the Universe cause I changed my idea of working for it, to allow the opportunity, way or idea to present itself to me, to just be carried, assisted, or shown the easy, next logical step, to find myself suddenly just on the train loving the view as I move in this new fun, fulfilling direction. And a wonderful toast of appreciation to the blog from yesterday Day 36-37: Reunion Challenge from Lisa Shah that helped me find the overflowing peace that I went to bed with last night. I love and appreciate every one of you here at BLC!