Category Archives: Becoming
My mind’s thoughts were “why do you care?” of course I had half a dozen readymade answers. But the feeling persisted, followed by the thought “you’re doing what you are arguing against”. Aware of how much I have been struggling and now honing with the idea of freedom from what others think about me. So I let the thoughts just be there. Aware of the thought again after we came home and he tried on the new shirts I had purchased. He liked one of them so much for how it felt and fit him that he kept it on. Then in eating supper, spilled something right there on the front of the new shirt in plain sight.
Once again I felt the urge rising, but managed to keep my mouth shut, just watching, feeling, and thinking. So I pondered, wrote, thought and looked over at him crashed out on the couch. Tired, but extremely impressed with himself on how easy and well he is doing at the alternative school, once he realized this school is just about getting his mind in order, helping him to learn to do each task till it’s complete. By helping him to format some kind of self-discipline and order of things in a way that make each task easier for him to complete, his only choice to look now being the desk in front of him and the partitions that surround it, which cause a form of really focused concentration. He has chosen/attracted this situation I know because he really wants to play high school sports and his current habits of being extremely quick minded, jumping from task to task; afraid he will miss something if he doesn’t do it all right now. Causing him to attract this different quieter situation. So like me, he is taking a sabbatical from his normal school environment to figure out how to be himself, alone, accomplished, without having to impress his peers, teachers, or others. I drift off to sleep, thinking, and feeling for the deeper answer I am seeking in this persistent chain of thought.
I awake with the memories of the many buses I have driven, the huge contrast of kids I have been entertained, annoyed, frustrated and disgusted by. Two huge instances coming fully int0 view: the first is one is a scene with a bus aide who has given up their own personal power in the struggle to get the child involved to behave. The words being used striking me as strongly familiar “I’ll tell your daddy”, my mind racing back to when I was young and how much fear that would send through me, well aware of the physical consequences. Except for now, my feelings are of sympathy both for anyone being used as a weapon/tool against another by someone who has lost their own sense of personal power.
The second instance is of a child being belittled for picking their nose. All the deriding, humiliation, taunting and teasing, for doing something that is by most people’s standards disgusting, even when they see animals doing it. Just now my mind reminds me of the day I was truly just observing a youngster, deeply in thought, trying to figure out or solve some truly big problem. Quietly placing his finger in his nose, to transfer to his mouth, with the most beautiful look in those eyes… Till the one sitting next to him, jerks the offending finger out and makes a big scene for all others to notice. An awakening awareness now finding me, about how much any of us use the tool that gives them the most comfort, allowing their mind to relax and then the answer comes. People all have their idiosyncrasies, some cigarettes, some twirling their hair, some playing with a body part, piece of jewelry, drawing on the most handy surface, chewing on gum, pencils, pens, the list goes on. But I am now conscious there are three things almost always involved…touch, taste, and smell.
My mind allowing me more insight into this ideal of what and how we are taught what ideals to live up to for another in our attempt to fit in or please. Please who?? I am amazed, as I sit here in fasciation of these pieces of life played out before me, judged, condemned, ridiculed and punished… because somebody, maybe a million years ago, decided it was wrong to touch, scratch or notice one’s own body for the answers that are stored within which are trying to get us to notice, exam, feel and find them. If we are allowed to just pay attention fully to ourselves, for those individual answers that are tailored made just for us to live the life God created us in his image to experience, exactly like we are!
I love my height, my build, my eyes, my skin, my abilities, my weight, my inabilities. My differences that cause me to be such a wonderfully, unique, marvel…known quite simply as “ME”!