Category Archives: Becoming
Awareness is the key to change. Though actually in my process of discovering what it is I need to change, I have found I can be aware of the things on the surface, and never once have touched the undertow actually running my life. Amazed at discovering there is this place inside where when one is persistently, intently focused on what appears to be happening right in front of them, outside of their control, while an entire slew of subtle old beliefs are actually controlling the current.
The beliefs of who “Am I” usually start with an entire litany of others description of me, as they see, desire or need me to be. Which in the living of my life I have done an incredible job of fitting into just fine, by doing all the steps necessary to make others wishes come true. Yet now, no where in this incredible state of doing so much for so many have I found the entirety of me.
Earlier today I went into meditation with the desire to know what is the core belief that ties all of this stuck-ed resistance together for me to not find myself in either the “glorious picture of success” presented by advertising or the “famous rescuer of the world” from the shamed and blasphemed sensationalism depicted in the news.
Before me danced the many dictates of beliefs I have encountered in the past with each one saying “pick me, look here, notice me”, nodding at their availability, I continued down the rows of my life’s steps, stopping to look, pick up, uncover and examine each in turn. Slowly feeling for the emotion attached or represented by each one.
Noticing something odd, just a little off, barely tangible, almost out of sorts… A single out of place thread, just a wisp poking out of the side, off to the edge, barely visible on some, in plain sight on others, yet it continually looped back and forth between all of the aisles of my life.
As I looked back I discovered there was not one single evident belief that it did not run through.
Interestingly it was the most simple shade of gray. Not flashy, not pretty, not ugly… just there. Small, slim, fine like a spider’s silk, yet resiliently stretching over years and years of the past.
I stopped, walked back, picked it up, truly examining it to see what truth it had for me.
It was alone. It had no others. There was just the one tiny, slim thread. So fine as to seem to be just a tiny thought, buried here, yet in plain sight. Waiting to be found, to be gathered and re-weaved, successfully into my awareness. The biggest change I needed to find, see and realize. My Aloneness!
I alone can change my life. There is no waiting. No blaming. No loss… other than not choosing my taking and owning my own power. The responsibility to own everything I have ever done as the perfect steps to lead me to now.
I have been steadily, slowly, constantly learning, deciding and choosing whether it is to say no or yes to any situation. Because nothing is ever truly wrong, to be judged or challenged. It’s just not right for me. I, Alone, own the choice. I, Alone choose to be more, less or do nothing. But I so Gloriously “ALONE” get to choose. For there is no one else inside who causes me to feel or think. JUST AWESOMELY ME! I am my connection to it all. Every day a little bit more, every moment I choose to be the best me… YET!
Wasn’t sure just where to start… figuring I would let it flow and see what came about in my awareness of living life with the Heart I now find at the very edge of each and every thought. As I have been soaking up the newness of change… in my own beliefs, words, and realizations from others experiences so lovingly shared and found when one searches. Necessary from my previously unknown tendency to take “to heart” and become what others needed me to be so they might be happy.
Thankfully, whenever I last wrote here, a few days later I was sent a notice that another person was following my blog, so I went back to read one of the post they liked. Which led to my reading two other post I had written months apart, yet basically just loops of the same place I was struggling in. I stepped back. Tried to look around to truly see as best possible of where I was. To start clearing, cleaning, changing and feeling for what was it I was truly “Wanting”!
This last weekend found me deep within connecting to my self in an entirely new profound way. I was looking into my own eyes, feeling my focus for what I saw… was I truly looking inside of me, or just at the physical aspects of me? How was I thinking? From the thoughts of what my looks were or where my looks were radiating from…
I have a new 3 ½ year old filly. The first day I went to see her I had a flash of intuition of who she truly would become. Loaded her up and she came home with me. Starting with… vet, wormed, chiropractor, farrier, 60 days ground work of her consistently “taking directions”… noting how aware she was of guarding her right side. Slow, careful, consistent 21 days under saddle.
Day 22… noted how old the earpiece on the bridle was (to be changed later). Which found me hard on the ground minutes later, after her panicked run into the fence when the bridle broke at the buckled spot and she tried to get away from this swinging piece near her eye. I “panicked” by physically making sure we did not run through the fence as she started to collide with it. Once turned she immediately unloaded her once confident rider, and two jumps later as I am refilling my lungs with air. She turns and walks back up to me with reins and bridle dangling from around her neck to find out what was so scary.
Healing is a mental thing, I knew I had missed something… I stopped and went back to the start, with slow, observant ground work. When I happened to reach over to the right side of her face where the bridle gave and found the still, very acute panic that had been apparent in her at the beginning. That which I had “obediently trained” her past. Suddenly having a very strong memory of my ole man “Chic” and the fear so strongly present in him when I first finally got to own him, and the months of slow, careful, conscious time earning his trust. Realizations of who I was and what I have been missing in my assisting others to change, all of these many years later after he died.
I forgot the Heart, Soul, and Look of Eagles when the light goes on because another knows you are listening to “ALL” of them. Seeing another as who they see themselves to be. Not who others think they should, could or ought to be.
Acutely aware of the time I went to a rodeo type event when I first moved back here and won 5 of the 7 events, placing 2nd in the others because I had to learn them minutes before competing. So relishing the comrade of being noticed, talked to and “accepted”. Highly aware of the one common comment “What I did was awesome BUT how much faster I would be when I learned to do it like they all did!”
Basically I went to clinics… untaught, untrained and disciplined myself to obediently follow the guidelines, finding the winnings getting less and less. Unless I started a beginning rider or horse with my self taught basics. From which they would start winning, only to be enticed to other stables so they could fit in and “Really Win”. I’d lost my own heart, trained it obediently away and didn’t even know it.
Thankfully I have never given up, just learned to slow down, start over and examine “everything!” Which blissfully led to this last weekend with my three different horses, now with a heartfelt connection to me, as I am looking and treating them as full valuable partners. Allowing them to know we are doing this together, step by step. The reward in their letting down, letting in, and amazed at the immense physical releases of their years worth of just “being obedient” yet having no real say in the partnership.
The run, run, hurry, hurry, everyone wants it now! Why aren’t you riding, trotting, loping, winning or on them yet demands. I had bought into the outcome, quantity, and “other peoples” wants for the mount to be just ridden and controlled. Their horses obediently following directions and going through the motions.
Not the quality and class of bringing the whole horse I am so capable and available to assist others in finding. The “Look of Eagles” in their eyes in full partnership, each a full half of the team. The team that sparkles and shines because of the connection of being powerful beings “Together, calm, connected, confident, classy, full Partners in Heart.”
My mind’s thoughts were “why do you care?” of course I had half a dozen readymade answers. But the feeling persisted, followed by the thought “you’re doing what you are arguing against”. Aware of how much I have been struggling and now honing with the idea of freedom from what others think about me. So I let the thoughts just be there. Aware of the thought again after we came home and he tried on the new shirts I had purchased. He liked one of them so much for how it felt and fit him that he kept it on. Then in eating supper, spilled something right there on the front of the new shirt in plain sight.
Once again I felt the urge rising, but managed to keep my mouth shut, just watching, feeling, and thinking. So I pondered, wrote, thought and looked over at him crashed out on the couch. Tired, but extremely impressed with himself on how easy and well he is doing at the alternative school, once he realized this school is just about getting his mind in order, helping him to learn to do each task till it’s complete. By helping him to format some kind of self-discipline and order of things in a way that make each task easier for him to complete, his only choice to look now being the desk in front of him and the partitions that surround it, which cause a form of really focused concentration. He has chosen/attracted this situation I know because he really wants to play high school sports and his current habits of being extremely quick minded, jumping from task to task; afraid he will miss something if he doesn’t do it all right now. Causing him to attract this different quieter situation. So like me, he is taking a sabbatical from his normal school environment to figure out how to be himself, alone, accomplished, without having to impress his peers, teachers, or others. I drift off to sleep, thinking, and feeling for the deeper answer I am seeking in this persistent chain of thought.
I awake with the memories of the many buses I have driven, the huge contrast of kids I have been entertained, annoyed, frustrated and disgusted by. Two huge instances coming fully int0 view: the first is one is a scene with a bus aide who has given up their own personal power in the struggle to get the child involved to behave. The words being used striking me as strongly familiar “I’ll tell your daddy”, my mind racing back to when I was young and how much fear that would send through me, well aware of the physical consequences. Except for now, my feelings are of sympathy both for anyone being used as a weapon/tool against another by someone who has lost their own sense of personal power.
The second instance is of a child being belittled for picking their nose. All the deriding, humiliation, taunting and teasing, for doing something that is by most people’s standards disgusting, even when they see animals doing it. Just now my mind reminds me of the day I was truly just observing a youngster, deeply in thought, trying to figure out or solve some truly big problem. Quietly placing his finger in his nose, to transfer to his mouth, with the most beautiful look in those eyes… Till the one sitting next to him, jerks the offending finger out and makes a big scene for all others to notice. An awakening awareness now finding me, about how much any of us use the tool that gives them the most comfort, allowing their mind to relax and then the answer comes. People all have their idiosyncrasies, some cigarettes, some twirling their hair, some playing with a body part, piece of jewelry, drawing on the most handy surface, chewing on gum, pencils, pens, the list goes on. But I am now conscious there are three things almost always involved…touch, taste, and smell.
My mind allowing me more insight into this ideal of what and how we are taught what ideals to live up to for another in our attempt to fit in or please. Please who?? I am amazed, as I sit here in fasciation of these pieces of life played out before me, judged, condemned, ridiculed and punished… because somebody, maybe a million years ago, decided it was wrong to touch, scratch or notice one’s own body for the answers that are stored within which are trying to get us to notice, exam, feel and find them. If we are allowed to just pay attention fully to ourselves, for those individual answers that are tailored made just for us to live the life God created us in his image to experience, exactly like we are!
I love my height, my build, my eyes, my skin, my abilities, my weight, my inabilities. My differences that cause me to be such a wonderfully, unique, marvel…known quite simply as “ME”!