Category Archives: Becoming
Taking the time to write as I became aware of this morning’s first waking thoughts that tied so many pieces together of the last year or so since the day I stopped to read through my previous posts. Discovering that they all were many of the same layers, that kept spiraling back to a particular theme I was hoping I had resolved/untangled.
Once the awareness of the looping around, with very little progress forward… I stopped, aware of the mental notes of “how could I share with no sign/sense of progress”. Feeling lost, ashamed, confused…I didn’t quite throw the baby out with the bath water… I just quit writing and went within.
I took the time to learn, see, feel and experience my “almost” every thought. To discover what a cruel taskmaster/critic I had become of myself. Not knowingly, purposely, or intentionally… just a long standing habit of critiquing my every move.
I’ve learned to be kinder to myself. I’ve learned to treat each thought, movement, and situation as if I am a baby just learning to walk.
I admire each step, each time I let go of the chair, each time I move away from an old habit, get a new view. Every time I manage to live more fully now, in my awareness of just being. I’m now playing it forward.
Amazed at the plethora of information, ideas, impulses and opportunities that have always been there… But I was so “stuck” in the way an answer or solution should look, feel, or be for it to be the a next step.
I was going around in circles, basically chasing my own tail as I fought myself and my old habits of “not good enough” must do or be more, show my work. To prove I was allowed to take the next step.
It took the effort to slow down, find out who I was desiring to be “hidden away from the outside world” as I strove to be who “everyone” else needed or suggested I should be, so they would feel better.
As I allowed myself the time to begin again. I discovered the exhaustion in all the work of keeping up a front. I had learned so well how to make others happy so I could fit in, so they would just allow me to be there. Not realizing that “there” is an optical illusion I was so convinced was better than “Now”.
I’ve learned wonder in being fully present, aware, and participating in each moment as I react in the awe of slowing down, knowing each thought has the feeling I choose to assign to it. My life has opened up to the wonderment and delight of being a child again. Exploring, allowing, becoming as I let my interest, my desires and my dreams up, and out to the Universe to fulfill in all the ways I didn’t even realize… Because like a baby, learning “I Just Didn’t Know”. Now I let my curiosity and delight guide me.
First time in a very long while that the desire to write actually brought me to stop, sit down and just let my fingers follow the awareness’s found today.
This morning found me busy, doing all the things so that everything was in place, and ready for my two Sunday lessons. Round pen watered, horses fed and hayed, all equipment out, available and in place, with a last minute check to see if anything else needed to be done, so that things were just right.
Two hours later, found my students happy, successful, sweaty and glowing with their personal accomplishments. And me in the conflict after scheduling the next set of lessons, even earlier in the morning to avoid as much of the Texas heat as possible.
I was soaked in sweat, hair, shirt, most of my jeans, but at least my socks and shoes were dry and though heavy easy to slip off as I walked back into the welcoming cool of the house. After tending to the washed and watered off lesson horse, to send him and the other two loose for the rest of this Sunday. Aware of the feeling of my every thought, the heat, taking care of all others first, the reality of how great my place looked in perfect order.
Yet I could feel something was off. Aware of the tiredness from last night’s closing shift at 11, in bed by 12 to the early alarm at 7. All of this calculating, planning and double checking… felt off. I got myself some more water, started up a solitaire game, turned on some Abraham Hick’s, to feel the words soaking through my last few weeks of house cleaning to get to the bottom of this peculiar off feeling, permeating my skin at every move.
My eyes became heavy, as my entire body demanded rest, I flipped on a meditation and allowed it to take me away. Awakening to this feeling of recognition of an answer… to find the upside down heart my meditation afghan had formed, tossed off in my body’s desire for super cooling down. The answer ringing in my ears, as I replayed, then wrote out the entire end of the Abraham from earlier to truly let the words sink in, of my “chronic thoughts, that I’m thinking on a really regular basis, that fly in the face of who I really am and what I really know and it’s thoughts like the source within me knows that I am destined to fantastic success and than I am taking score of where I am and doubt that from time to time the source within me knows that there is no competitions. As I sometimes see others in what they are doing as competition and I feel that discomfort in that the source within me knows that what I think I want is still going to expand still further. In other words I haven’t even begun to tap the resources that are flowing to me…”
All of this belief in competition, my opinion of any other, what they are doing, wearing, breathing, speaking trying, becoming or thinking of me. Is not any of my business. It takes me away from feeling good! Away from being enough, better, or worse. It’s a habit of thought brought on by years of buying into “everyone elses opinion” of me matters, so that must mean I must either live up to their expectations or they must live up to mind. How crazy my life has been by believing in standards, trying to fit in, stand out, not fit in or even be seen.
When I felt the satisfaction of remembrance of each and every time I have ever created anything. Always caused, by an impulse, inspiration, awareness, or sudden idea that just “Felt Good” and I followed it. Not caring, not planning, just living fully, completely, in the moment. Reveling in my ability to connect to Source within me. With it’s Guiding, leading, dancing, co-creating the perfect solution for whatever had just caught my attention. To now be viewed in an entirely new way.
I’m back to being just me, doing living by finding and doing everything that feels good! 100 percent just playing and reveling with my fine tuning to be more and more me each and every moment of every day! Everyone else is off the hook to just be who they be!
I bless you are feeling fully present.
May the space of time you read this post in, also be time you take to breathe a little deeper. May it invite you to allow yourself to consciously receive love, from God, Source, All That Is and Me to you.
I am at peace here. My months of clearing, cleaning, and reestablishing my priorities for Me… Found me meditating, reflecting and spending many hours soaking up the time of re-discovering my true self with the joy in just being in my life and with my horses.
The first part of this year I was beginning my journey with Scoozi. With our series of starts, stops, stalls, flips and an abrupt dismount. I started to ask myself a lot of questions about what it is that “I truly do and have always wanted to do with my life”? How could I best serve in a way that is useful, unique, and true to me? In a way that felt…. right… fun and all ME!.
This time allowed me to truly look at, revise and reassess my past experiences. Finding the best way to see each memory that came to mind. Aware from my recent reminder of Wayne Dyer’s “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” A new, deeper list of self intentions was born.
Because I have become so clear in my desire to listen to my deepest dreams. To truly connect with my horses despite a very busy world of suggestions, directions, ultimatums and others ideas for me. I was able to align with my innate truth without allowing the world to distract me.
I have becoming more fluent in Horse/Human/Self connection. Aware of my old buried roots of intuitively knowing how to truly listen, feel, and connect with horses and peoples “feelings”… Because I know so thoroughly about shutting down my own personal unique ideas, for the reasoning’s from others. “Shut up, do this, wear that, because they said so.”
I have become more fluent in Self… Owning my walk, talk, looks, dreams, desires and abilities.
Supporting others by truly listening to what they hope they are saying. Versus what their bodies, inflections and words are actually communicating. Assisting them in finding their truth, their voice, their own unique signatures and styles.
I am back, and aligned with my true self. Sharing this because it’s so important to carve out time to listen to one’s heart whisper, to listen and discover… what is calling.
To recognize having a desire to learn something, to align with a cause, to start something new, or and this one is tricky – to let someone or something go…
Be brave, dear one, trust your gut…
Drop the current narrative for just a moment.
Listen… your heart is calling you.
And watch for the magic that unfolds!
Awareness is the key to change. Though actually in my process of discovering what it is I need to change, I have found I can be aware of the things on the surface, and never once have touched the undertow actually running my life. Amazed at discovering there is this place inside where when one is persistently, intently focused on what appears to be happening right in front of them, outside of their control, while an entire slew of subtle old beliefs are actually controlling the current.
The beliefs of who “Am I” usually start with an entire litany of others description of me, as they see, desire or need me to be. Which in the living of my life I have done an incredible job of fitting into just fine, by doing all the steps necessary to make others wishes come true. Yet now, no where in this incredible state of doing so much for so many have I found the entirety of me.
Earlier today I went into meditation with the desire to know what is the core belief that ties all of this stuck-ed resistance together for me to not find myself in either the “glorious picture of success” presented by advertising or the “famous rescuer of the world” from the shamed and blasphemed sensationalism depicted in the news.
Before me danced the many dictates of beliefs I have encountered in the past with each one saying “pick me, look here, notice me”, nodding at their availability, I continued down the rows of my life’s steps, stopping to look, pick up, uncover and examine each in turn. Slowly feeling for the emotion attached or represented by each one.
Noticing something odd, just a little off, barely tangible, almost out of sorts… A single out of place thread, just a wisp poking out of the side, off to the edge, barely visible on some, in plain sight on others, yet it continually looped back and forth between all of the aisles of my life.
As I looked back I discovered there was not one single evident belief that it did not run through.
Interestingly it was the most simple shade of gray. Not flashy, not pretty, not ugly… just there. Small, slim, fine like a spider’s silk, yet resiliently stretching over years and years of the past.
I stopped, walked back, picked it up, truly examining it to see what truth it had for me.
It was alone. It had no others. There was just the one tiny, slim thread. So fine as to seem to be just a tiny thought, buried here, yet in plain sight. Waiting to be found, to be gathered and re-weaved, successfully into my awareness. The biggest change I needed to find, see and realize. My Aloneness!
I alone can change my life. There is no waiting. No blaming. No loss… other than not choosing my taking and owning my own power. The responsibility to own everything I have ever done as the perfect steps to lead me to now.
I have been steadily, slowly, constantly learning, deciding and choosing whether it is to say no or yes to any situation. Because nothing is ever truly wrong, to be judged or challenged. It’s just not right for me. I, Alone, own the choice. I, Alone choose to be more, less or do nothing. But I so Gloriously “ALONE” get to choose. For there is no one else inside who causes me to feel or think. JUST AWESOMELY ME! I am my connection to it all. Every day a little bit more, every moment I choose to be the best me… YET!
Wasn’t sure just where to start… figuring I would let it flow and see what came about in my awareness of living life with the Heart I now find at the very edge of each and every thought. As I have been soaking up the newness of change… in my own beliefs, words, and realizations from others experiences so lovingly shared and found when one searches. Necessary from my previously unknown tendency to take “to heart” and become what others needed me to be so they might be happy.
Thankfully, whenever I last wrote here, a few days later I was sent a notice that another person was following my blog, so I went back to read one of the post they liked. Which led to my reading two other post I had written months apart, yet basically just loops of the same place I was struggling in. I stepped back. Tried to look around to truly see as best possible of where I was. To start clearing, cleaning, changing and feeling for what was it I was truly “Wanting”!
This last weekend found me deep within connecting to my self in an entirely new profound way. I was looking into my own eyes, feeling my focus for what I saw… was I truly looking inside of me, or just at the physical aspects of me? How was I thinking? From the thoughts of what my looks were or where my looks were radiating from…
I have a new 3 ½ year old filly. The first day I went to see her I had a flash of intuition of who she truly would become. Loaded her up and she came home with me. Starting with… vet, wormed, chiropractor, farrier, 60 days ground work of her consistently “taking directions”… noting how aware she was of guarding her right side. Slow, careful, consistent 21 days under saddle.
Day 22… noted how old the earpiece on the bridle was (to be changed later). Which found me hard on the ground minutes later, after her panicked run into the fence when the bridle broke at the buckled spot and she tried to get away from this swinging piece near her eye. I “panicked” by physically making sure we did not run through the fence as she started to collide with it. Once turned she immediately unloaded her once confident rider, and two jumps later as I am refilling my lungs with air. She turns and walks back up to me with reins and bridle dangling from around her neck to find out what was so scary.
Healing is a mental thing, I knew I had missed something… I stopped and went back to the start, with slow, observant ground work. When I happened to reach over to the right side of her face where the bridle gave and found the still, very acute panic that had been apparent in her at the beginning. That which I had “obediently trained” her past. Suddenly having a very strong memory of my ole man “Chic” and the fear so strongly present in him when I first finally got to own him, and the months of slow, careful, conscious time earning his trust. Realizations of who I was and what I have been missing in my assisting others to change, all of these many years later after he died.
I forgot the Heart, Soul, and Look of Eagles when the light goes on because another knows you are listening to “ALL” of them. Seeing another as who they see themselves to be. Not who others think they should, could or ought to be.
Acutely aware of the time I went to a rodeo type event when I first moved back here and won 5 of the 7 events, placing 2nd in the others because I had to learn them minutes before competing. So relishing the comrade of being noticed, talked to and “accepted”. Highly aware of the one common comment “What I did was awesome BUT how much faster I would be when I learned to do it like they all did!”
Basically I went to clinics… untaught, untrained and disciplined myself to obediently follow the guidelines, finding the winnings getting less and less. Unless I started a beginning rider or horse with my self taught basics. From which they would start winning, only to be enticed to other stables so they could fit in and “Really Win”. I’d lost my own heart, trained it obediently away and didn’t even know it.
Thankfully I have never given up, just learned to slow down, start over and examine “everything!” Which blissfully led to this last weekend with my three different horses, now with a heartfelt connection to me, as I am looking and treating them as full valuable partners. Allowing them to know we are doing this together, step by step. The reward in their letting down, letting in, and amazed at the immense physical releases of their years worth of just “being obedient” yet having no real say in the partnership.
The run, run, hurry, hurry, everyone wants it now! Why aren’t you riding, trotting, loping, winning or on them yet demands. I had bought into the outcome, quantity, and “other peoples” wants for the mount to be just ridden and controlled. Their horses obediently following directions and going through the motions.
Not the quality and class of bringing the whole horse I am so capable and available to assist others in finding. The “Look of Eagles” in their eyes in full partnership, each a full half of the team. The team that sparkles and shines because of the connection of being powerful beings “Together, calm, connected, confident, classy, full Partners in Heart.”
My mind’s thoughts were “why do you care?” of course I had half a dozen readymade answers. But the feeling persisted, followed by the thought “you’re doing what you are arguing against”. Aware of how much I have been struggling and now honing with the idea of freedom from what others think about me. So I let the thoughts just be there. Aware of the thought again after we came home and he tried on the new shirts I had purchased. He liked one of them so much for how it felt and fit him that he kept it on. Then in eating supper, spilled something right there on the front of the new shirt in plain sight.
Once again I felt the urge rising, but managed to keep my mouth shut, just watching, feeling, and thinking. So I pondered, wrote, thought and looked over at him crashed out on the couch. Tired, but extremely impressed with himself on how easy and well he is doing at the alternative school, once he realized this school is just about getting his mind in order, helping him to learn to do each task till it’s complete. By helping him to format some kind of self-discipline and order of things in a way that make each task easier for him to complete, his only choice to look now being the desk in front of him and the partitions that surround it, which cause a form of really focused concentration. He has chosen/attracted this situation I know because he really wants to play high school sports and his current habits of being extremely quick minded, jumping from task to task; afraid he will miss something if he doesn’t do it all right now. Causing him to attract this different quieter situation. So like me, he is taking a sabbatical from his normal school environment to figure out how to be himself, alone, accomplished, without having to impress his peers, teachers, or others. I drift off to sleep, thinking, and feeling for the deeper answer I am seeking in this persistent chain of thought.
I awake with the memories of the many buses I have driven, the huge contrast of kids I have been entertained, annoyed, frustrated and disgusted by. Two huge instances coming fully int0 view: the first is one is a scene with a bus aide who has given up their own personal power in the struggle to get the child involved to behave. The words being used striking me as strongly familiar “I’ll tell your daddy”, my mind racing back to when I was young and how much fear that would send through me, well aware of the physical consequences. Except for now, my feelings are of sympathy both for anyone being used as a weapon/tool against another by someone who has lost their own sense of personal power.
The second instance is of a child being belittled for picking their nose. All the deriding, humiliation, taunting and teasing, for doing something that is by most people’s standards disgusting, even when they see animals doing it. Just now my mind reminds me of the day I was truly just observing a youngster, deeply in thought, trying to figure out or solve some truly big problem. Quietly placing his finger in his nose, to transfer to his mouth, with the most beautiful look in those eyes… Till the one sitting next to him, jerks the offending finger out and makes a big scene for all others to notice. An awakening awareness now finding me, about how much any of us use the tool that gives them the most comfort, allowing their mind to relax and then the answer comes. People all have their idiosyncrasies, some cigarettes, some twirling their hair, some playing with a body part, piece of jewelry, drawing on the most handy surface, chewing on gum, pencils, pens, the list goes on. But I am now conscious there are three things almost always involved…touch, taste, and smell.
My mind allowing me more insight into this ideal of what and how we are taught what ideals to live up to for another in our attempt to fit in or please. Please who?? I am amazed, as I sit here in fasciation of these pieces of life played out before me, judged, condemned, ridiculed and punished… because somebody, maybe a million years ago, decided it was wrong to touch, scratch or notice one’s own body for the answers that are stored within which are trying to get us to notice, exam, feel and find them. If we are allowed to just pay attention fully to ourselves, for those individual answers that are tailored made just for us to live the life God created us in his image to experience, exactly like we are!
I love my height, my build, my eyes, my skin, my abilities, my weight, my inabilities. My differences that cause me to be such a wonderfully, unique, marvel…known quite simply as “ME”!