Category Archives: Begining

I Just Didn’t Know

wonderTaking the time to write as I became aware of this morning’s first waking thoughts that tied so many pieces together of the last year or so since the day I stopped to read through my previous posts. Discovering that they all were many of the same layers, that kept spiraling back to a particular theme I was hoping I had resolved/untangled.

Once the awareness of the looping around, with very little progress forward… I stopped, aware of the mental notes of “how could I share with no sign/sense of progress”. Feeling lost, ashamed, confused…I didn’t quite throw the baby out with the bath water… I just quit writing and went within.

I  took the time to learn, see, feel and experience my “almost” every thought. To discover what a cruel taskmaster/critic I had become of myself. Not knowingly, purposely, or intentionally… just a long standing habit of critiquing my every move.

I’ve learned to be kinder to myself. I’ve learned to treat each thought, movement, and situation as if I am a baby just learning to walk.

I admire each step, each time I let go of the chair, each time I move away from an old habit, get a new view. Every time I manage to live more fully now, in my awareness of just being. I’m now playing it forward.

Amazed at the plethora of information, ideas, impulses and opportunities that have always been there… But I was so “stuck” in the way an answer or solution should look, feel, or be for it to be the a next step.

I was going around in circles, basically chasing my own tail as I fought myself and my old habits of “not good enough” must do or be more, show my work. To prove I was allowed to take the next step.

It took the effort to slow down, find out who I was desiring to be “hidden away from the outside world” as I strove to be who “everyone” else needed or suggested I should be, so they would feel better.

As I allowed myself the time to begin again. I discovered the exhaustion in all the work of keeping up a front. I had learned so well how to make others happy so I could fit in, so they would just allow me to be there. Not realizing that “there” is an optical illusion I was so convinced was better than “Now”.

I’ve learned wonder in being fully present, aware, and participating in each moment as I react in the awe of slowing down, knowing each thought has the feeling I choose to assign to it. My life has opened up to the wonderment and delight of being a child again. Exploring, allowing, becoming as I let my interest, my desires and my dreams up, and out to the Universe to fulfill in all the ways I didn’t even realize… Because like a baby, learning “I Just Didn’t Know”. Now I let my curiosity and delight guide me.

Today, Today, Today

Woke up this morning, comfortably rolled over, reset my alarms for tomorrow and just laid there. Feeling for the morning, 8:24 , not really hungry, allowed myself to just be. Several old friendly faces crossed my mind. I felt okay, could here dripping coming off the roof. So I got up, fed the cats, opened the back door to a heavier misty rain. From the looks on the ground, it looked like it had started again last night, off and on, currently in the on position. Making the ground truly wet, the glance out the door rewarded me with puddles of water on top of the ground most every place I looked. Telling me the early lesson was definitely off.
So I got the coffee on, checked with my youngest that was up, about what he wanted for breakfast. He stated he would feed and do the chores he missed yesterday in coming home to late way after dark. So I fixed me a cup, grabbed a banana, pulled up my emails, then read and responded to the blogs I found posted at BLC.
Had a message from an old friend about her liking my blogs after I shared this: on Facebook yesterday. Right after I posted my most recent blog. As I was reading her response, I noticed the friend I had thought about earlier was currently on line, so I had a quick comfortable chat with her over all the positive changes I had seen on her postings. She informed me, she to had checked out my blog site and enjoyed what she saw, exclaiming “you really should do a book”. I thanked her, as we both had other stuff to do, said our goodbyes and signed off.
I felt so good about where I was at and the positive feedback I was receiving. I got the impulse to send the link to my blog to all in my email contacts. It was such a simple easy thing to do. Then I contacted my lesson’s mom, we discussed the wet weather and decided we would see how the day, rain, and ground progressed to maybe do it later. Called the other friend from my morning thoughts, had a wonderful catching up session, another cup of coffee, where I found myself cleaning. First just the few dishes, then the counter, then I found myself pulling up the shades, washing the windows and sills. Imagining my Christmas tree there in the corner fully decked out to be viewed from the alcove facing and front windows. My youngest surprises me by walking in carrying all the lights to be tested out, replaced and used, evidently his mind on the same wavelength. Suddenly I can feel these last few weeks of change between him and me, bearing fruit, the ability to work, play and think as friends and family. All the allowing the outside world slowly back in, now that I have a more solid view of me…by me.
Then I feel this nagging thought of discomfort, not sure what, just there. I take a shower, truly enjoying the warmth of the water, considering ideas for today’s writing. Many come, but nothing I feel real solid, or sure about. So I just meander, slowly, easily in my unexpected morning off. Comfortable in my pajama pants and an old shirt, sat down to play the same game as yesterday, searching for this uncomfortableness that was becoming more noticeable by the moment. I am on level five, with no rhythm, no timing, just all disconnected, hurrying, or maybe trying to run away from something? I let the thought just sit there while I played. I struggled with the same level at least four times before I identified what was the culprit behind this current discomfort. Now, like a crazed, scared animal, I was pacing, my heart was pounding, and my senses were all extended, my hair standing on end. Just because I had put me out there to share with those whose view of me I knew. The moment I found where it came from, my playing ability changed, I began to relax and have fun because “I stopped judging myself” for whatever reaction sharing my blog might bring. I discovered I was giving my power to be okay with my writing to me… away in what had felt like the next logical step. I had shared me with a world I had chosen to withdraw from. Withdraw from so I could find and be, real, alive, and just all of me, I was finding, reviewing, and re-becoming. I evidently was still feeling a little uncertain, a little trepid, a little…little, bitty, timid… what might they think or say. The phone rang. I jumped. I answered it to find tomorrow’s lesson, rescheduling because of the weather for later in the week. My youngest came in, offered to pay for the show if it kept raining and I had to cancel the rescheduled lesson. I took a breath; played for a little while longer, suddenly discovering I had gotten so back in touch with listening to me I had actually completed all of the levels and won.
We checked the outside conditions. Water still standing in huge puddles everywhere and a huge one in the center of the arena, so I called, cancelled and to the show we went. For us to be amused, taken in, entertained and uplifted with a great kids flick. We then got fuel and drove over to buy groceries. After reading the few emails on my phone that had come in while we were at the show. I went to get out my seat snapped, plummeting me into the back seat. As I was figuring out how to fix my temporary dilemma, I became aware of this being the third seat to come apart in the last few weeks, wondering what is up with that. We quickly went through the store, filled our list, then checked out and while he put the bags in the truck, I discovered a pole in the floorboard fit perfectly to keep the seat upright till we got home. My mind playing through the sudden physical reaction to one of the emails about my blog and the ensuing collapsed seat.
I drove, seeking for an answer, made it home, unloaded groceries, and fixed the seat, all the time writing stories in my mind. Then, the very one that came out so quickly and easily as I “Sat” down here to write to me so I could watch myself write and realized “I WRITE FOR ME!” Because it is the only way I can comfortably and easily sort through all of the stuff that comes in, from others of their opinion. I’m the one who chooses to put myself out there, trusting and knowing I am okay. I am still on a little shaky ground with all of this. I don’t have it all figured out yet, but that’s okay, I will figure it out, I usually do, and I am the one who lives with me, loves me, supports me…more than anyone else. And that alone makes it PERFECT! The peanut gallery may have opinions, but they don’t wear and have the same size, style, kind or form of clothes, much less body that I do. Deep breath…in…out…
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