Category Archives: Change
What a word to wake up to, after having the cat jump up on my bed sneakily attacking any movement I made as I slowly stirred from several previous attempts to go back to sleep with just the short 6 hours accomplished from when I first crawled into bed.
As I lay lazily trying to distract the five pound kitten from his feed or play with me mode that was intruding upon my morning attempt to visualize my day’s programming. I felt this insistent urge to actually move, get up, readjust the heating blanket to just slightly warm and then go feed this persistent animal whose main focus is himself, right “NOW”.
After getting the kitty fed and crawling back into the warm covers quickly pulled over my head to block out the morning light, so I could lay in meditative thought over the words and phrases that were wandering through my mind. Slowly forming a more solid awareness over the cause of the last few weeks of the various ups and downs in my weight, my finances and my relationships, well aware of how all of this was a message to myself. A simple form of communication as I have been trying to tune back into of the synchronicities happening “to me” to find the threads that weaved them all together into the simpler flow of life I have been seeking to find.
Realizing I have been trying to get “In Sync” with me, with each of these tiny little forays in the various directions after I would have a thought which formed into an actual desire made manifest, just not quite what I was aiming for.
Though I was getting “literally” exactly what I was requesting. Every one of the manifestations had these “flags” with them, that I ambled right through, over and around, which is so easy to say now in my looking back. Yet the thing is, even though I subconsciously knew this, I continued on because “wow” I caused this by asking for it, so this must be “the answer”. Now realizing I am great at getting exactly what I ask for every, single, time. I just need to be really aware of what I truly am thinking or saying to myself.
The request for a tall, artistic, lives close, is interesting and fun… was those, but… texting instead of talking, etc??? Re-worded the request for conversation, someone to talk to… I then received an evening phone call that was male, cowboy, single, finds me intelligent, listening, but… all about him, no investment for anyone else, much less me. Discovering as I would randomly and just as quickly re-word my request for a preference. I would just as quickly manifest a response. Now realizing how much I need to slow it down, really start to listen to my thoughts and my “whole body’s” response to them. And damn if I didn’t notice I am not in full sync with myself… yet.
But that’s okay. Because I am here, writing it out, stepping around it, looking at all that “I” created and applauding myself on how fast “from my mouth to God’s ear” or more of my thought to my creation via the Universes response. Aware now of the power in every chosen thought, word, and idea that I do so powerfully teach and share for others by assisting them in hearing what it is they actually are saying, versus what they thought or intended to mean. I am really, really fine tuning me to be “In Sync” with all of me, slowing down to “Think and Feel”, “Feel and Think”.
This instant manifestation thing happens to each and every one of us every moment of the day, we just have to be aware of what it actually is we are asking, requesting, and thinking about. Our sub-conscious takes everything we think, say or do into consideration. It is not particular, segregated or prejudice. It loves us and believes every single idea, thought, belief and feeling we perpetuate. It is at our command… Hmmm… I love it “All of me” truly, truly matters.
Having taking a six months hiatus from writing to just observe the world and the reflections of where I am at “NOW” this word describing life to the fullest, because now is never before or after it is always the present moment.
I took a step back to find where and how my trained habits of unconscious thoughts were still running my life. I watched, I observed, and found what I didn’t like, once uncovered, noticed and understood… then I could change it, rearrange it, stop it, and find a different way to be.
As simple as that may sound, it takes absolute participation in each and every moment. Full awareness of the words I speak to… myself, others, animals, things, and circumstances, to become so in tune to hear me actually communicating with me in every present moment.
I have taken on a temporary job at a convenient store in an attempt to meet other non-horse people in this small town where I have lived for 11 years. Fascinated at all the untruths I had been locked into by beliefs I have been taught are real. About what to wear, do, be, or think for me to be okay. Fueled on by this immense desire to be free… of feeling wrong, needing to be right, or justifying things I do to fit in.
At the same time still training, coaching and teaching others as my life saver to sanity in this search for relief. Finding my immense fascination with words and their definitions receiving a huge update of possibilities to the once limited ones I had previously believed. I discovered that normalcy can and does change sometime in hours, minutes, moments, much less miles, weeks, and years.
Life is changing, evolving, constantly becoming more than it was yesterday, whether I allow it or not. I just hadn’t realized how hard I had been clinging to the side of this immensely flowing, ever changing river of life. Until thankfully 4 weeks ago, one of my own horses, unceremoniously, bucked me off as my mind moments before was not on my riding, but on this huge list of things that needed to be accomplished for me to get to my agreed upon “part time job” in helping out another. The job I had let spiral into as much as 55 hours or more a week, thinking as I was riding how I so needed to get back to the agreed upon 25 or less hours so I could live my life by reveling in the work that I so love doing and enjoying life.
Suddenly as I was spinning through the air, realizing I had not paid attention to the now suddenly loose girth on my horse, which caused the saddle to slip up over his withers as he stumbled and I lurched forward, he took to hard jumps and here I found myself laying on the ground, begging for the next breath to refill my now aching empty lungs.
My next thoughts were: I am supposed to be taking care of myself so I can help others. Not run me ragged as the sacrificial do-gooder, make everyone else okay and comfortable. Shine my light of understanding on everyone else but myself. Followed by “yes Universe, I was thinking about saying something, but…” excuses for not being in the total present moment and bam, “now my body demanded I take care of myself!”
Today marks 25 days of sleep, personal pampering, chiropractor, magnets, stretching, huge increase of water and breathing exercises, to find the biggest gem of my train wreck, seems all of my fears were stressing me out, and stress is dis-ease.
My current horse in training showing me how deeply entrenched I still had old habits of not enough-ness pushing my buttons. She is gorgeous and prettier when her ears are up and interested, not back and awaiting the next command. She has to be mentally and physically right; it is encoded in her genetics to survive in the herd a horse needs to find comfort in their placement.
In first acquiring her with a body of stiff, unyielding muscle and emotional habits of taught response to each piece of equipment and the movements of the humans she has encountered. Dealt to her not by uncaring, mean or vicious others, but by those who like me who were taught that there is this time line in which things must be accomplished. Pushing her to do things in a desire to fit another’s ideas of how she should be by such and such date. I received into my care a young horse, so tight, and bound up by being forced into a physical style that her body took and took, until she chose to behave exactly how she felt and refused to fit in. Until with timing and patience I am getting her to understand things can be different. I am listening, and I am allowing her to find what works best for her to be comfortable and move in time with a human.
So much like I now find myself… alive, able to choose, able to sense my next thought, feeling, idea or movement that fits me in every waking moment of the day, trusting my intuition with simple conscious awareness of what feels best for me. To share, to keep, to experience, and to coach others in finding their own unique signature and styles… One person, one animal, one breath, one moment at a time!!!
These are my morning thoughts that came together for me after I opened up FB to the first thing I saw after all of my reading, realizations, conclusions, and imaginings from the last four months of 2013. To a post from someone in one of my groups where they ask about “naming one’s Higher Self Wanna Share yours , go on I dare ya Mines’s always been Huey, my daughter thinks I am disrespectful to God but how can I be, He and I Are bonded baby, as One and where did I get my sense of humor from but from The One, what’s his is mine . Ok thats all folks ” which I then realize about how I used to talk to mine/myself, all the time until last August when finding out about how to utilize imagination from the works of Neville Goddard. For in all of this contemplating and absorbing of this Neville theorized information in the last few months, I suddenly realized that every time I find any new interesting or profound information… I stop talking, listening, and paying attention to my own inner guidance.
Then I suddenly remembered that I distinctly talked to mine before meeting the cowboy and his daughter Friday on my trip down to the nearby arena. Which coincides perfectly with my recent asking and finding, studying and going through all of Neville’s talks listed in order and finding the pieces/peace in me. Where I had asked myself/God in me…”Where is all of this leading? What is it I need to know? & How can I help or assist another?”
Especially since earlier this morning I looked up Neville’s Wikipedia information (which has to be considered in who has updated their take on him most recently) to become aware of where his line of thoughts, the way and time line they changed/evolved to then “know” that the habitual stumbling blocks for me are
- In teaching others how to ride, I have observed when we think, we stop breathing and feeling. When we know something, we just do it; it is now our new nature of habit. Otherwise we think, think, & think, muddying up our own thoughts, getting all tangled up in the process of understanding from another’s perspective. Which we will never entirely be able to see from their same standpoint, because we are not exactly like them.
- We as human’s have been bombarded with in our learning that we “have to” learn how to do something “the right way” (verses feeling the right way for us). A great example comes to mind: If I bite into something that is (unbeknownst to me) hot, nasty or incredibly out of my idea of what I expected it to taste like. I spit it out first, then try to figure it out at the same time I am usually trying to wash out my mouth for a feeling of relief. Instead of holding it in my mouth, and thinking what is this incredibly bad tasting thing that I am eating.
In sharing my name for my higher being I stated the following “Mine’s name is God…but not like the worshiping from afar. He is my best friend and I have been talking to him for years, but until I read this post… I never thought about a “name” for him (since his energy represents my male energy) I just talk to him, confide in him, love him as I know he does me… then I thanked the poster for allowing my friendship with him to be seen in a whole new amazing way… I so love when I can clear up my viewing place!!!”
Putting the entire scenario of this new realization into use by replacing my old habit of thinking if someone knows more than me, then I must need to study and catch up. With the choices of Neville’s line of thought of just imagine I am already accomplished at having figured it out, or I can read to feel for the comparison if the new line of thought coincides with where I am at in my understanding of does this feel true for me. Finding that I am now reading Neville’s works in order of his evolving, instead of the just reading the book I was told would explain it all to me if “I studied and studied it like the presenter had”.
All of this experience has given me back both my ability, desire and right to talk to myself, listen and trust my feeling of “I am always able to know the right things for me at any moment” when I take the time to feel if it is good… go ahead. If it causes me the least little doubt… check it out, go slowly, feel for the parts that resonate with me and ditch the rest. If it feels bad…”DUH” walk away, saying thanks, but No Thanks! This last learning experience has been so much freaking easier than I ever was led to believe and definitely not at all in the direction I originally expected of some kind of amazing, magical secret to change my life. Just the solidifying of knowing and trusting in myself, my inner guidance… to give up all of the buts, what if’s and just turn within… to always feel, think, know and believe in my own ability for the right answers for me!!
All this aggravation about being told what to do, almost at will from various people with different ideas of how I “should” be spending my time, what I need, and how I am to go about it. At the same time I have been catching myself in my attempt to get away from this nagging feeling of restlessness after accomplishing several other things as I again, sit at the computer trying to win the same level for the last week or so. Accompanied by old voices in my head raining down on my playing a game instead of doing something much more productive, “times a wasting” there has to be something else I could be doing. All of this self-talk about being unproductive, which truly makes me conscious of my extreme work ethic, caused by the chorus of old critics in my head that now has become extremely loud and apparent with the clearing off of another few layers of habits.
“Enough, enough, enough” I rally at the stand I have to take with myself. I was so hoping for a slow, easy, leisurely weekend that started off so well last night with getting the tree up, lights on, two-thirds of the way decorated after I made new wreaths for the front gate and the door to the office. Still in a blush over the wonderful remarks from the man in the checkout counter who had mistook me for being much younger from my bustling about the store as I gathered the materials to finish the Christmas preparations. It may have been just a flirting way to get acquainted, but it was so nice to hear a truly Southern Mississippi drawl this far south in Texas, and he definitely made my night.
So to wake up to an argument going on within myself, over what I was responsible to do today and the rest of my weekend, just so set the tone for this frustrating, stubborn lack of movement I was so experiencing. The softness and feel with the horses has become so much of a revelation of how one should ask, wait, listen, and then respond. Making me more and more aware of how when I was growing up, we were told what to do. Expected to be seen and not heard. Not asked for permission, just given ultimatums and the consequences if we failed to follow suit. Noting even when I speak to my youngest, I can feel myself flinch and change in mid-sentence if I feel I am demanding first. Not asking in a simple format for what it is I might need assistance with.
This even doubly so after the site I had thought I lucked into for more readers of blogs like mine. Till I got the 3 days of avalanches of unsolicited emails about everything that is offered or written by others on that blog, as I found my email box crammed with over 15 to 25 hits a day. The good news is I have suddenly become aware of the latest trend of sharing my address for purchasing some service and now they solicit me for all of their fantastic, must listen to friends. To find myself almost screaming inside “Your not the boss of me,” I get to choose and I know how to say no or push the spam key.
All of this speaking wonders about what a doormat I use to be. How much I thought behaving by being nice, taking care of, saving or putting out everyone else s imagined forest fires of drama put me so far in the back of the line. I couldn’t hear myself yelling at the top of my lungs “It’s okay, they all can really take care of themselves” Guidance is about giving directions, setting examples, showing how well you can take care of yourself, then giving them the ideas of tools they might use to fix things for themselves.
Wow, being back in charge when you’ve always given that power away. This is a whole new dance, but I suspect I am so up to it, and so freaking deserving…It is about time.
I have been attempting to write this post for the last three days with hundreds of words coming out, written down in a persistent circular fashion of thought. A continuous flow that just kept going over and over the same stuck track which coincided with my youngest son’s constant interruptions. Until last night when I finally gave in, gave up and decided entertainment of the comic type was in order to find and then watch two totally different movies made in almost 20 years apart. Both funny and rewarding to watch in viewing others interpretation of good, fun romantic interaction.
Though I was up several times in the night with the feeling of freedom just moments away when I finally find this old sense of confinement. To awaken this morning feeling an acute awareness as I slowly meandered through my chores and thoughts in what felt like a big, empty, old void. That changed into a sudden sensation of urgency after opening an email for a special 48 hour sale for an audio book I had been pondering to buy, which caused me to go comparison pricing at Amazon and find to my delight the same item for just 99 cents. To then called my friend in delight and anticipation as I took this for a sign that the asked for answer was close at hand.
We then spent the next few hours talking, comparing childhood scenarios, and our prescribed roles, the ideas we perceived and understood to be our designated paths. The conflicts between us, our family and especially our sons. When the words vulnerable and amazon simultaneously came out of both of our mouths, as the acknowledgement over both of us being very big, strong healthy girls growing up in families with no boys. Who were expected to do the dirty work, take care of the others and toe the line. Both of us having an extreme awareness of taking care of the other females in our lives when they were not physically capable, and hanging around with all of the “pretty” girls who didn’t seem to know how to say no and mean it.
Suddenly hearing my description of the castle that I use to describe the many rooms of still closed off possibilities for me that I mentally live in my mind. Narrowed down to the use of the grand foyer, the stronghold of the interior, with many shuttered up doors leading into unused potentials, several small tidy rooms which are moderately lit, neat and tidy. Then this small, dimly lit, spiraling staircase, that is four or five stories up which leads one into this wonderfully romantic, wistful, soft hidden room, that has but one access which is rarely used as it is dusty and uninviting to climb up.
As we continue to talk I find myself looking up the word “vulnerable”: Capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt. Open to temptation, persuasion, censure, etc. liable or exposed to disease, disaster, etc. Then the word “amazon”: A tall, aggressive, strong-willed woman.
Now aware of the huge, dark space in me that had seemed empty, yet now found to be filled with this almost silently running machine that has been quietly directing me around. Much like I feel my son does when he ask or expects something when he rudely intrudes on something I am focused on doing. That in my years of following orders, fitting in and doing what I was told, I suddenly realized I had never been taught to ask or expect to be something other than the role I had accepted was who I am supposed to be.
Eureka, pay dirt, success. All of these feelings of jubilation and excitement over finding this interesting antique, still so very much in charge of my ups and downs in life. Though almost completely hidden, it had been orchestrating my limitations any time I got to close to crossing into those other rooms that now are lit up and beckon to be opened up and rearranged to suit me. Now as I glow in the fire of new recognition as to why I never truly felt I fit in to the small limited part I was taught to be. I love making my own decisions and taking care of myself. I love the fact I am strong, capable, quick and woman. I love the fact I can move effortlessly, dancing, cooking, sewing, and tending to others with soft, sure, confident hands.
As I ask, find and fill in these holes in my understanding of who I can choose I am. As an intelligent, fun, fantastic, witty, flexible, focused, flowing, friendly,classy and feminine lady. Who chooses to know how to do what needs to be done, can think for herself and is smart enough to ask God for guidance as I allow the best thoughts for the moment to flow through to light my path of full wonderful glowing potential. It is okay to find and have assistance in being the uniquely, passionate, horse training, coaching, teaching, and articulate female that I am. This keeps getting easier and easier as I realize I can’t get it wrong, cause there is always more to do, more to learn and by changing my mind to do it differently who knows how far I can go. What else I can and will discover as I continue setting myself free from the limiting role of others best intentions for me, as I explore the different ways of looking at everything and taking part in what feels right for me.
All this work, all this digging, all this examining, excavating, feeling, and awareness for answers/solutions to this current place of stucked-ness, that even my computer is pointing out that that word does not exist as I desire it to be. I tried the variations of actions my computer program suggested, yet none of them fit in “My” description of this latest tale of self-discovery. This evening’s rendition of the war of words unleashed when I went to make myself a simple desert and discovered my youngest had emptied almost the entire can of whipping cream, less the two liquid tablespoons which were summoned out by holding it upside down and they dribbled out.
There is this place of enoughness, a condition brought about by being nice, kind, considerate, and mindful of one’s manners because… we have guests, the elderly, men, ladies, young ears, and I should mind my place in the doing of dishes, putting out the meal, serving the kids and several other womanly chores that surfaced at today’s family gathering. Which brought up memories of Thanksgiving pasts when I knew both of my parents full time working situations and used to think how totally absurd it was for the women to have to do it all whilst the men lounged around, sampling the food and watching TV, and yet the women only got to relax after they had done it all.
I had spent the day deep in thought over the togetherness of my sisters and father’s family, the new things I desire and the space still between them, held apart from this unnamed sore point from my past which showed up in my waking as a tugging at my left shoulder and neck muscles early this morning. Staying to niggle at my consciousness as once again, the pain (pay attention I need) was alerting me to something about to become clear enough for me to change or release.
I had felt perfectly comfortable with most of the day’s activities, till the last several incidents here at the house with my youngest, doing the just getting by effort, with the final straw being the same old excuses turned into an old habit of trying to make me feel guilty for having to do without the whipped topping I had set my mouth for. When the words just came boiling out, angry, mad, and extremely frustrated, though for a change I could feel myself actually editing thoughts and feelings as soon as the tirade began, fascinated with the memories flooding my mind. As I worked my way through the explosion, calming myself, I became aware of the uncovered flawed beliefs, which had been firmly wedged beneath layers of that’s what women did.
My mind stating that there is no one here to hold me to that now. I can make new choices. I can have the very life I was shushed at for when I was much younger and told this it just how things are. Suddenly feeling a huge sigh escape from within as I found a sense of wonder at the ability and power of the tool of anger, when the lid on top of the problem is so tightly wedged and screwed on that the only way for things to come out is with the steam of energy prodded up to then beyond the boiling point.
Aware too, of the young horse I have in training who is so perfectly physically balanced, she knows the minute one is in just the right position for her to move and jostle inexperienced riders out of the seat of power, so she can maneuver her way back to where she wants to go. Much like my youngest son’s ability to tamper with my temper, where in the past he would prod my kettle till I got mad, to then apologize like crazy, make all kinds of promises to get his desire met first with no actual intention to do the follow up. Not tonight, tonight I found myself watching, aware, and changing as I noticed not only all of me, but all of him. Felt the parry and thrust of my well trained teacher of a child as I finally earned an “A” by getting mad, being made aware, getting over it, and still accomplishing a feeling of amazed relief now that all is said and done. A very learned and happy Thanksgiving indeed!
The last week or so has been a deep, slow, careful examination of all the rooms in my house. The castles from tales of old that I truly believe, each and every one of us are born into. This wondrous mansion of our mind with so many rooms of wonder and delight, that some of us are then scolded, corrected, shamed or told we are not supposed to go into because of someone else’s belief of what is right or wrong for us from their view. Causing us to slowly, but surely, close doors, board up windows, hide trash and treasures far away from us, secured, covered, barred and blocked from us, for our own well-being.
Till many years later, some incident causes us to stray from the pack. There might be scratching, sounds, feelings, or keys of interest that pull us back toward are beginnings, searching for answers when things no longer add up. As our more internal clock, our heart, beckons from the dark corridor we have hidden it in. Covered up by layers of should of’s, would of’s and maybe’s where the tiny spark of us that still burns in hope, awaits. Softly flickering, beckoning us to seek, open, try… something, anything other than what has been taught, schooled, and suggested is the only way.
I have been told that sometimes the experience to start the renovations is much like driving down the road a hundred miles an hour and you hit a tree. Run smack dab against the deepest, most special part of one’s heart, the place of hope and the answer that confronts you is so very wrong feeling. It goes so much against the grain, after you have worked so hard to achieve the brass ring of someone else ideals and your very spirit cries “Enough”. You may have had to pick yourself up several times in your life, as you continued to struggle toward this elusive goal. But this time, your body says “No” hundreds of times louder than ever before. With the pain of betrayal of self, evident in the extreme tiredness of any movement one single step further toward where you think you are supposed to be going.
That has been this last week. I received a reply asking me why from the stance of another, now, as a grown-up they wanted to know. I have tapped at least two or three hours every day, amazed at the doors, closed in my past from trying to get it right and fit in. Finding rooms overflowing with stuff that I took the time to go through and clean out. Finding some of it fixable, some of it perfect never even used, some of it just plain, simple, a whole lot of trash both blocking and behind the doors.
I have cleaned up the good, repaired the interesting, useable, worthwhile, and thrown out all things that do not mean anything to me now. Following the quote from “If when using a theory it doesn’t work on even one horse, then it is a tool, not a rule” from Cindy Hawk Sullivan. Realizing how much that works for a lot of my beliefs now sorted into the proper places in my life utility box of tool ideas that are useable some of the time when applicable or necessary.
I checked up on a lot of those old beliefs, realizing they got me through some era of my life. They have been thoroughly scrutinized for their roles, tuned up, changed, or discarded with total love and appreciation. I am free. I realize I owe no one. I am my own person. I chart my own course from now on. I am quite the sailor of my vessel, now that it has been updated, made ship shape, polished, restocked and organized to set sail on my chosen path of “Now”, right this moment toward loving and approving of myself. Every single cell, tissue, gland and part just like I am, because I am fantastic, I did it, I made it to today as I easily and readily cut the cord of my trash barge of beliefs from all my yesterdays.
I knew I could figure this out, I knew it, I felt it, I so knew I could. As I have been busily thinking, investigating and scouring the internet for a different answer to a very old piece of information that made its way to my email yesterday from a blog I follow. I was reading along, actually rather enjoying the information until I ran smack up against a sentence that every part of me refused to buy into or believe. For somehow in the very core of me with all of this digging I had unearthed my full connection to “What Is Right For Me” and my insides were begging me to go look elsewhere, to find either tons of views that sided with it. That it could probably be watered down retained information from whence I first heard it, this present source might not have the availability to get past what they were taught, or the big possibility it does not hold true for everyone, which would include me. Either way my inner self literally offered up the thoughts “You’re not the boss of me, oh yeah, hide and watch I can do this in a whole other fashion and still be okay”.
Being then greeted with success within minutes of figuring out the correct query to type into the search bar. Which gladly gave me a plethora of choices, some which were the same, a whole lot of other choices and one that so connected with fitting me. I was so impressed with the personal connection to my inner self. I finished the last of my 5 steeds for the day ready and willing to take on all comers. Experiencing a comfortable evening, with my youngest fixing supper, then cleaning up and even sharing the last of the ice cream with me, as we settled in for a movie before bed that included circumstances of conflict, the two extremes of someone in a dilemma and finally the balance of comfortable conclusion.
To awaken up this morning with the feeling of all of those pieces floating around in my head, waiting to be re-wove into the new directional fabric of my life. So I allowed the thoughts to filter through my head as I watched my client finally get the total feel of connection with her horse after being gone for a week, and carefully, slowly, step by step finding the same connections with my little mare first. When she got off gleaming from such a wonderful flowing ride with her own, I knew I was truly close to matching her with the dance of my life. As I thought of what it was I so desired and yet kept eluding me, being right there just one step ahead. To find myself feeling back to the last week of riding her horse while she was gone on a trip and I was in charge of more tuning with her mare.
Aware of having to first figure out what it was the horse still needed to make a better connection. I know I slowed every step down, to examine by feel how the horse is intuiting what it is I am asking, and knowing by her response what it is I need to change. I know the mare really relied on me feeling comfortable, confident, secure and able to assist her figuring each step out. She relied on my focus, my feelings and my energy, easily getting what I asked as I remained focused on all three steps. And then the light bulb went on in my head.
That’s what manifesting is! Its focusing with energy, aware of what it is one wants, what it feels like to have it, and having all of those pieces in sync at one time for a solid section of thought till one can actually feel that moment as now. It’s why I now know I get so irritated when I allow another to distract me, that irritation only comes if I am not fully focused, with both feelings and thoughts. I can now understand how to appreciate distractions as they only occur if both pieces are not fully engaged. That form of engagement to me is “Being in the zone of what is right for all of me!” Which I now fully give myself permission to have, whenever and however I want to imagine, feel, and focus on. Happy dance, Happy dance, Happy dance!!
Putting out the request to the Universe to learn how to listen, understand and be more in touch with myself… and bam did my day unfold exactly to fulfill that request. Starting with the feeling of how I expect to be treated, as outlined to my youngest in a format he immediately began to respond no, No, NO to, sort of in shock that I would even dare to not consider him in my deciding how I wish to live, love and be treated. Explained with a fair exchange of payment for services rendered, and money subtracted for chores I had to do over or are left incomplete.
As of tomorrow unanswered alarm clocks, animals unfed, student unfed, or any cause of waiting caused by said student… $1.00 per inicident, plus each time known house care, or job responsibilities left undone. All chores done nicely and cooperatively will be paid for at the end of each two week period, bonuses for any extra jobs done without asking, or chores done beyond what is expected.
This all coming about after this last weekend and all of this massive tiredness, from school, football, life, etc, etc. Which I had almost bought into till I made the declaration to take care of me more and the realization hit me. Here is a 14 year old, 6’1, 210 lb boy, whining and begging for money, at a house where his mom works at home, there are lots of chores to do, and he won’t unless threatened, begged, or cajoled, lift a finger to help. I pay cash, I bring in good money and he doesn’t have to have transportation or find a work. I realized I had so bought into the story of “poor me” and now thought oh well “that was yesterday and yesterday’s gone” to coin an old song.
To then have two incidents pop up of others stating their dilemma’s to me and I now realize I wasn’t listening as a sounding board… heck no I dove off into their stories and tried to figure the best way to help them feel better. Then finding myself inundated with stories on my home page, on Facebook, at work, all of these people in dire problems, being rescued or aided to sit there and feel helpless while another baled them out or rescued them. Aware of the horses’ differnce in attitudes toward me when I had something fun and humorous happen, how easy they were to listen, mold, teach and work with. With the immediate difference after I received a text over the crappy day of an old friend and I first felt the urge to wait to reply. After being met by the horse I was saddling with laid back ears and this defensive, tight posturing of “go away, you’re not comfortable to be around” suddenly aware of what my energy must be feeling like in the uncertainty of what to do to help, save or aide another, who was not asking.
Finished riding to go inside and start the game “Gem Swap” which is a timed, rhythm type game, allowing the various incidents to play around in the background while I got deeply involved with the flow of the game. To suddenly see the whole series of events perfectly connected and their attracting factors. When I was seeing another as needy for help, unable to do for themselves… I would then attract the entire troupe of stories, and situations to match just that in my mind. I would then start losing, feeling unable to get past the first few simple levels, having the light go on as to the energy feeling of yuckiness of seeing another as helpless.
I began to re-run each person, place or incident in my mind now seeing them finding their own answers, feeling good about their abilities, the fun of getting their own minds and hands in the creative process of figuring things out for themselves. Ithen suddenly found myself all the way up to level 10 in what felt like seconds. It is just so cool to find, look at and do the things that feel better. Until step, by simple better feeling step, I suddenly find myself comfortably gliding on a very easy waxed surface with just the right amount of downhill slant to gently, ease along fully listening to all of me. I am so getting into my body’s guidance, my gut instinct. I really can tell what feels good, bad or otherwise for me… DUH! 😀
The last few days have been a delving into bouts of extreme tiredness, giving me a chance to look around and see what might be the cause of this occasional body awareness. Which at one time I just assumed came from being worn out from whatever was going on in my life. But in this learning to be more aware of having the choice of what I observe as to what kind of time I am having, I chose to pay more attention to what the probable cause might truly be. Remembering to take in as many clues as I could during the first sign of fatigue, all the way up until the yawning gave way to a much needed nap. To be amazed at what I uncovered when today’s morning was almost exactly like yesterday’s, minus several small, particularly energy sapping situations.
Yesterday included my bus route, both am and pm. My son getting up, assisting with chores, eating breakfast and then asking for extra money with a five minute pleading session, followed by a yawn. Came home, to set up for the day of riding with equipment, watering, and my usual rotation of animals to ride. As my morning client arrived and started pitching in to get things rolling with the usual catching up with another over the few days between lessons. I addressing the progress with the two horses with feet issues, how the changes have allowed each horse to move easier. How much fun the weekend clients had been in teaching students so thoroughly interested in each answer I gave to their inquiring, curious minds.
Which as the information was exchanged, I felt this tug at my gut as the conversation suddenly turned to the chaotic evening now being explained to me. My entire body had this sensation of total alert; my mind suddenly found trying to race forward for possible solutions as the story was being told. When I realized my mount was uneasy. So I took a breath, excused myself, gave the story teller the option to get out the next horse to keep my timetable on track, and went out to ride. Once again comfortable, at ease, riding, fascinated by the horse staying so tuned into my every move. Enjoying myself as I played with the ease of his movements mimicking mine, when I spotted the student at odds with their mount as all of the actions between the two were tight, rigid and at odds, as a definite battle of the wills was in plain sight.
I rode over to be of assistance with this out of touch duo, giving suggestions, ideas, reminding to breathe, and relax hoping to break the tension. Finally at the thought of helping both rider and horse, I suggested a change to my mount since he is such an easy well finished horse, and as the student swapped from one animal to the next. My horse of long standing patience, reached out to nip my forearm as if to say enough, don’t, arghhh… I jumped as his lips just grazed the skin, aware of the feeling of tiredness almost overwhelming me. To then find myself querying the rider in my head if they knew how much they were rattling the horse and me, as I began intensely focusing on asking them detailed questions about their breathing, attitude, horse’s body language and to please relax. First the frown on their face, then the tightness of their knuckles, then wrists, arms, all the way through till they were wiggling both toes, freely without stirrups.
To finally see the horse take in deep breaths, as the person realized they were trying too hard. As they began to make progress, I could feel exhaustion sweeping over me. I so desired a break, a massage, a chance to piddle, to step away, to find the peace I had experienced earlier. So aware of the huge wave of frustration and fear over now what, to luckily by then find the duo had found a small connection, several steps taken as a pair, enough so that the rider knew the internal struggle was the cause of their disconnect. I became so aware of how easily I have in the past, learned to react trying to fix another’s story of struggle, and how wonderfully my body has learned to show me that I know longer need to do all of this fixing. It’s not my job!
My body is tired of me not living and taking full care of myself…only. I no longer need to allow conversations of angst, struggle, and disarray to affect me. Other than just being a sounding board to reflect back what they have said if they ask for help. They are just stories. They are just excuses from others to feel needy, incapable, helpless and so ineffective at shining their own light, not figuring out they have the power within themselves to be okay. It’s their choice and it’s always my choice to play or pay, depending upon how far down their tale of desperation I choose to go. Funny thing is today, both story tellers, left to their own solutions, came up with much better results by themselves and I had a great day by just stepping away and allowing them to find their own two feet to stand on.