Category Archives: Changes

My Song

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Smoke And Mirrors…

candleThe lessons in this last year have been amazing! With the new awareness’s that each day brings to me, as I open up to the things, remembrances from my past awaken in me to see, choose, change, and play with until I find the gift that is always there. Brought to the present in my day to day events which cause the miracle of changes in both Scoozi and myself. This month marks almost a year since my abrupt departure on my twenty second ride on her.

Caused my willingness to stop doing anything until I totally understood myself, my dreams, my intentions, my reasons and my true feelings into “Why” did I get to this point I such an explosive fashion? Where and was I intending to go on the same way? And how much of any of this came from being true to myself, or from pleasing others, unseen except in mind… the mindless crowd?

This morning’s sudden desire to share, came after I was reconstructing a new candle holder and playing with the aspect of making this new container, practical, able to hold the candle upright and safe from the cats being able to accomplish dislodging it from my desk to another shattered mishap on the floor.

As I was melting another candle to fill in the smaller hole on the bottom. The impulse to add a little color and extra fill for the hole, sent me for the smooth, colorful, clear, flat stones the cats had discovered to utilize for their nightly game of keep-away from one another.

After I filled the bottom, I thought it would be a nice touch to have a row of them in the space around the edge of the glass. Though this proved a interesting trying to be careful, executed experience of sliding the flat on one side of the stones down the sides of the vase into place with the big candle already adhered to the wax below.

In the experimenting with how to maneuver each stone in place, I kept catching small bits of the very soft natural wax, to smear on the sides of the glass… and a memory found me from a few years back when I took one of my students to her first ever exhibition.

This student (about 21) was learning to be astride a horse, in public, in an event that eventually utilizes speed, learning to control her fears of being run away with, being bucked off, being humiliated and a host of other mind terrors which she had previously encountered and come to me to work through. For her to actually accomplish 5 trips in and safely out of the arena with 2 times at a walk, 2 at a trot, and the last time comfortably at a lope… so excited and proud of herself.

To then as she is sitting there beaming, have an older lady come up and critique her on the clothes she was wearing and how from “up in the announcer’s stand” the male announcer could see down her shirt… humiliation at its best.

Her parents thankfully were in hearing range of the entire incident and attempted to make light of it. And even with the conversation about how what others said, especially since none of those comments had anything to do with all of the fears she had worked her way through, how much she had managed to accomplish… none of the good mattered. She decided to quit trying to compete, to be open, to breathe in her new found success.

My awareness of the looks of my new candle holder took on an entirely new perspective… It’s my first time playing with wax. It’s in my house for me. If I never get back to cleaning up all the smears… me and the candle don’t care because the candle still burns brightly and smells amazing.

Looks don’t mean anything. I understand that feelings, inside… are EVERYTHING. Managing our own feelings…no matter what the outside world says or does is the most important thing.

I am so appreciative of this last year and what I have learned… I don’t need to defend or explain anything I’m doing, have done or will do. Because I now choose to live every moment in what feels and works best for me. I am learning to coach, train and teach from the new standpoint of “It is what it is” What others think or say “DOES NOT MATTER” The feelings inside are everything. People are everywhere… EXCEPT INSIDE OF MY HEAD. It is ME and Only Me Who gets to choose HOW I REACT!

Illumination

I bless you are feeling fully present.illuminating heart

May the space of time you read this post in, also be time you take to breathe a little deeper. May it invite you to allow yourself to consciously receive love, from God, Source, All That Is and Me to you.

I am at peace here. My months of clearing, cleaning, and reestablishing my priorities for Me… Found me meditating, reflecting and spending many hours soaking up the time of re-discovering my true self with the joy in just being in my life and with my horses.

The first part of this year I was beginning my journey with Scoozi. With our series of starts, stops, stalls, flips and an abrupt dismount. I started to ask myself a lot of questions about what it is that “I truly do and have always wanted to do with my life”? How could I best serve in a way that is useful, unique, and true to me? In a way that felt…. right… fun and all ME!.

This time allowed me to truly look at, revise and reassess my past experiences. Finding the best way to see each memory that came to mind. Aware from my recent reminder of Wayne Dyer’s “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” A new, deeper list of self intentions was born.

Because I have become so clear in my desire to listen to my deepest dreams. To truly connect with my horses despite a very busy world of suggestions, directions, ultimatums and others ideas for me. I was able to align with my innate truth without allowing the world to distract me.

I have becoming more fluent in Horse/Human/Self connection. Aware of my old buried roots of intuitively knowing how to truly listen, feel, and connect with horses and peoples “feelings”… Because I know so thoroughly about shutting down my own personal unique ideas, for the reasoning’s from others. “Shut up, do this, wear that, because they said so.”

I have become more fluent in Self… Owning my walk, talk, looks, dreams, desires and abilities.

Supporting others by truly listening to what they hope they are saying. Versus what their bodies, inflections and words are actually communicating. Assisting them in finding their truth, their voice, their own unique signatures and styles.

I am back, and aligned with my true self. Sharing this because it’s so important to carve out time to listen to one’s heart whisper, to listen and discover… what is calling.

To recognize having a desire to learn something, to align with a cause, to start something new, or and this one is tricky – to let someone or something go…

Be brave, dear one, trust your gut…

Drop the current narrative for just a moment.

Listen… your heart is calling you.

And watch for the magic that unfolds!

Wow!!! Apologizing Who’d of Thought…

cryingTears streaming down my face in apology, with no one physically present to have to apologize to. For something so simple that “I thought” I had unwittingly created a problem because I didn’t read all of the rules… After I received a polite reminder from a group I’m in.

When the feelings first came up of… shame, guilt, admonishment, reprisal??? My first thoughts started to run, I mean truly run off down that old bunny trail habit of beating myself up for my “mistake in not getting it right”… by accident.

Oh my God, who did I think I was?? I was just sharing, assisting, unasked, but coming from my best intention of the information being shared was valuable and might be of use to someone, besides just me.

When the second thought thankfully, quickly filled my mind… Cry, scream, bawl!!! React to exactly how I feel at this moment. For God’s sake woman, let it out, please don’t you dare stuff it again. Get in touch with all of yourself. That is what this moment is trying to teach you.

Don’t you feel it. Doesn’t it feel off? This reaction. This habit of thinking when someone else is just trying to reach out to let you know that you missed a turn. You went a block past your street. There is something here for you to learn. Your okay. It’s just a new step for you to choose, a new way to respond. A new better feeling belief to put in place, to replace a yucky old one that has been gumming up your reactions for years.

Ahh!!! The relief in actually listening to my thoughts and then truly finding what I am feeling as I have the thought. Something so simple as to actually respond to myself. By feeling, becoming present, honoring “my reaction” so I can find a new, better, feeling way to respond to each present moment.

Funny thing in being, in my allowing myself to be fully present with me just now. Was finding out how to fix one of the frustrating things about learning this new Office program. Where before I was inadvertently going from “insert mode” to “overwrite” mode and in not knowing how to fix it. I was just choosing to work around it, not understanding and scared of what I might have to learn… to utilize it. The answer now presented itself to me, as I was willing to be open to new possibilities to my “old reactive feeling thoughts”. By being open, actually acknowledging what I felt to be present in me. Allowed new possibilities in my life to show themselves now that I could actually see what I was doing to myself. Things are always working out for me when I allow, listen and feel for my inner guidance, present, in the moment.

Weed Eating the Bull Nettle…

“Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” ~Helen Keller

bullnettleI never would of thought that bull nettle could be so full of the information that I have been asking for clarity about. Yet, here I was out in the amiable Texas 96 degree weather, slowly, deftly moving from plant to plant on the top 2 acres of my property.

Not having rain on this clay/sand hillside was allowing growth only to the magically deep taproot system that allows this plant to flourish amid the heat. Much like my deep rooted desire to know the truth in my questioning of off feeling beliefs, that wonderfully keep surfacing for me to examine and change or discard completely.

I had noticed in the last few days the raggedness of the sparse growth of grass in any but the shaded areas, with the contrasting greenness and size of the scattered nettles out on my riding area. Trusting the impulse to more easily weed-eat them than drag out the big mower. I easily fired up my machine and started trimming away, when I felt this huge download of thoughts from the questioning earlier of my belief of why I “use to so easily do for others first”.

Old belief “because I’m supposed to take care of others first, helping those less fortunate because I perceive them as helpless.” Flip side “I assist others as I guide them into finding their own answers as I now choose to see them as confident and able, when they find information they get from answering their own questions filtered back to them”.

This was followed by a new understanding about instant gratification and manifestation. Caused from the circumstances of several of my clients in the last few days, whose children, friends or family would either physically, by text or by calling. Break in at a crucial part of the lesson, for the parent to stop, fix, buy, console, or delegate whatever the other needed, so they could continue “their lesson on their time”. Followed by personal awareness of when I use to do the same in shopping with my kids and “buy them something” so I could think, finish shopping and have my peace back. Highly aware of how much I used to mentally beat up on myself for giving in to them.

Now I see that as a learned habit, but at least I allowed myself to buy my own thinking privacy back. Even when I handled the beliefs of “their my kids, family, friends, they don’t understand, I must take care of them first, because they won”t love me” if I don’t.” The buying was a perfect instant manifestation for me…  I never celebrated that I did momentarily take the heat off of myself. Albeit temporarily, I had an out, a little relief, I did have a solution to a huge bevy of taught beliefs about my children, spouse, coworkers (fill in the blank) coming first.

This peace I find in physical work, especially since I tackle the “real work” the kind that makes you sweat, get dirty, stinky, smell, break nails, soil and wrinkle your clothes. The kind unless paid, threatened or begged… everyone mysteriously vanishes. For me to contentedly, accomplish the task at hand, and allow my mind to focus. My perfect self-taught way for those millions of other thoughts to be held at bay… My learning  how to allow only in that which assist me in the task at hand.

I am so proud of me. I have been secretly meditating for years with working… playing with my dreams, accomplishing consistent daily steps toward my goal. Alone!!

So gloriously now in full awareness of my learning how to get more and more in touch with my inner guidance, to follow impulses, to do these little movements forwards, by reading just a page in a book, just a quote here, a glance, then movement to readjust a bucket. Pay attention to my horse’s ear because someone is approaching, notice the response in my clients of the frustration of how to stop their child’s onslaught need for attention. Finding the ability to focus, notice, and assist on the real nature of the question not voiced. Where does one’s power begin…

Finally fascinated with how many words, phrases, and excuses I use to believe held the key to personal power. How much it use to frustrate me to find a book, lecturer, video, or series that would just go on and on and on. And my mind would scream “To Many Words, simpler is better”. I was just taught (and believed) it was rude to honor my true feelings. I needed to explain myself, and this whole list of and for others. Instead of one simple, poignant word… NO! One word that is simple, yet powerful, and to the point “NO!”

Saying No to another… is such a big YES to SELF!!

Trainer/Coach Transformer

002When you think you know what it is you do and suddenly find yourself fully engulfed having fun changing lives in ways you never quite imagined or have ever explained to another…

In the last few weeks of my working with horses and their owners I was suddenly, almost magically transported to a keen insight into what it is I am actually doing in my “supposed” line of work as a horse trainer/coach. I am a transformer.

I have owners bring me their problems… horses, fears, ideals and dreams. Their horses that have stopped working, are barely moving, running away and are in conflict with what is being expected, or are totally refusing to “behave”.

I evaluate the communication between horse and rider, finding the clues to the mistakes. Many times because the horse’s body is out of alignment. The owner’s timing is off. The horse has never been asked or taught how to move in ways that are comfortable much less correct, and with no idea of how to ask with the rider’s body for the expected results with their horse.

I assist people in learning to connect in the horse’s body language of communication, how much difference it makes to a horse to move in a way that the horse can flow in any direction that is desired when the person asking is in the right place. Even more so to be able to bring to the owner’s awareness that many of the horses brought to me have been started or handled by well-meaning individuals who are not aware of what incredible mimics’ horses are. That every minute you are handling a horse you are teaching it something! What you do want or what you don’t want. For horses focus and live in the now, they are not thinking of ten minutes ago, are where they will be tomorrow.

Their focus on present is so keen, that if they are asked to move in any way that causes the one moving them to stop moving. They accept the non-movement as this last movement they have done was the right answer.

I have had three horses in the last four days that are older horses, who have no idea how to lope confidently on the ground with a lead attached, much less under saddle. These horses all show the signs of being ridden by people that had no idea that everything they asked a horse to do, even if it put the horse’s body out of balance. It had to be the right answer because one of several things would happen. The horse would stop moving, slow down to a more in control speed, the rider would stop pulling, yanking, kicking, lose the rider, or would quit and put the horse away. Many times selling the horse because they didn’t know how to fix the problem they had created.

I assist owners in becoming aware of how everything going on with their horses is a reflection of something in the owner’s confidence in communication. Horses and their owners’ bodies are evaluated, for chiropractic, feet, emotional and communication abilities. Many times as in the present horses… I go all the way back to simple, basic baby steps. In assisting the horse to find trust in my ability to ask with the right feel and timing for the best answer for the horse, then by showing and teaching this to the rider to start a whole new form of communication. Teaching and coaching both with their ability to understand and work with each other to change the habits that have brought them to me.

Always I watch with fascination and joy as a horse learns to lose the brace from frustrated, fearful handling because of all the misunderstanding in trying to figure out what is desired of them, and that it is possible to do these movements in a much more comfortable and easy way. I show both how to communicate comfortably, safely, and effectively in a way that they both understand and can feel that they must move as a team, each one’s job is to be in a position to assist the other the best placement of their bodies, so they can now find a new way to react that feels and works better for the both of them.

Many times taking former “washed up, bad, blown up” horses, and frustrated, fearful riders. Back to performing winners, comfortable, and confident companions, by getting all to slow down, communicate, trust and “ask” each other to be the incredible partner they had both been seeking and believing possible when they first came to me. I love my job, the people and the horses that grace my life.

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Monday…

So incredibly tired?? Woke up, slowly, that not wanting to get up kind of way, but I did. Got showered, dressed, truck started, coffee made and we headed into work. The whole bus drive was just there, a job, driving in the drizzly on and off rain. Finally done, came home, fed and hayed, knowing with the light rain I could get a decent nap. So I quickly went through my emails and comments, decidedly arguing with my body to just let me get this out of the way. Finally all read, replied and the alarm set for one hour, I grab my fuzzy blanket, turn up the heater at the end of the couch, turn on an Abe and quickly go to sleep.
Rrrring, ring, ring… startle awake thinking it’s my alarm, but no just an unidentifiable caller, who leaves no message 10 minutes into my nap. Re-situate, get cozy back to sleep, this time until the alarm. As I am awakening I make a mental note of how I am going to groundwork each of the first 4 horses. It goes easy, I am alive and flowing, they are frisky, snorty, fresh from the cool dampness, but they respond nicely and I turn each one out when I am done. Then take out the big horse, brush, saddle, ground work all easy and smooth, until he spies the new round bale, where he tenses just long enough to get my reaction of “hey, I know it’s there, back to work”. He then proceeds to listen, feel, work truly hard at stretching the right leg forward, heel first, now almost finding the full extension we have been reaching for. He is starting to consistently find me and release the tenseness almost to his shoulders. I congratulate him on his try, unsaddle, groom and put him back up, to get out the new horse for day 3 in the cold, dampness to see her response to weather change.
Today the responses to my asked questions are sooner, easier and she spends much time following me with her ears. The feet inspection is improved by no pulling, lifting when asked, and standing quietly as I clean each one out. We progress through a quieter saddling, easier groundwork, and a good twenty minutes riding her with just an ask, her releasing, walking, turning, bending and finally to 3 actual steps backwards. As I am rewarding her with the after grooming, I notice two things. One she is softer, more sure of herself and truly getting into my brushing thing. Two, though she still cocks her head in surprise when I do this for her, a huge indication of being handled like she was just to be rode… just a horse. I am so pleased with my horses, have set everything up for the evening, and my alarm goes off to remind me I have to go drive.
The tiredness hits me again, squarely on my shoulders, directly from all over my body. I know it is pleading with me. I know I need to visualize, something different, in a new direction. There is something right here I can do, should do, will do… I just haven’t figured out what? The first thought is so much is coming together, just allow. But allow what? I put possibilities together, just none of them flow like the horse part, where I feel just so connected and time is not evident. Right now as I type I can feel the tiredness “left”(side) in my face”.
Fixing supper, warming up, looking for a movie for tonight, and expecting a message, this is followed by a big sigh of release and a yawn. I will figure this out, I always do, I so desire to snuggle, talk in person, share the day, mutual hands, feet or back rubs…

To Tell A New Story

Today started different than I expected or intended. Got up, got critters fed, had the few things I had been thinking about in buying feed, right themselves even before I purchased my first sack. Amused at this coincident, headed for fuel, breakfast and groceries which played out almost to the minute how I intended, time, financially, taste and expectations of service. Still playing with keeping my awareness of what it is I started to imagine on a feeling of “really, like this?” and if it felt right kept that image. If any of it felt like “hmm no this is better!” I would change the thought and then I would get that expected desire “pretty close or exactly” in response.
I get home, we unload feed, my client came to watch me work her horse, ask questions, learn, pick my brain as I play with her horse, asking for softer response each moment, knowing he is feeling my sense of love, fun, and ease at improving the connection between him and me. Then sharing what I am doing with his owner till she understands enough that I can see the physical difference in both her tone and her stance. Ending the session with him softer, more fluid, flexible, tired, but proud of himself for understanding me. His owner commenting on what an incredibly interesting life I have, because interspaced through the entire session, my son wanders through with momentous requests, which I field with looks, body language and temperance. Just like my horses and he gets what he asks for, after he too finds the place of accomplishing what is needed to get the reward he seeks. The owner sees and marvels how all of this stuff ties together, and she schedules her next session.
I get out the appaloosa that belongs to my youngest, today’s session is much like my session with him, he pushes, tries to turn away and act like I am not referring to him, as I stand there and wait until he releases the pressure. No reaction from me when he fiddles, pulls harder, turns his nose up, or wiggles his lip, nothing but patience till he shifts his foot and finally tips his nose, releasing all tension in the rope, to look at me. The look means “is this really all that you want” I grin, we move on to riding, today is much like the pleasure it is becoming in dealing with his owner.
I move to the new horse, she is stiff, braced, looking everywhere, but at me. All the expectations of dealing with her past and what others have done… to “make her ride able”, her eyes are brown, glassy, the whites showing. All the signs of expecting the worse, all tight, tense, ready to push or run over me before I do that or more to her. I start with a brush, a long stroke down the entire length of her body on both sides, then start working of detangling her mane, then the massive tangle in her long, thick to the ground tail. For a solid hour, I detangle both the mess in her tail and the tenseness in her body, as with about every fourth or fifth stroke, I ask her to take a step right, couple more strokes, now step left. The continuous movement of the brushing, breathing, small steps here and there are rhythmic, soothing, almost mesmerizing in there simplicity. They even allow for her couple of times of blowing up, jumping all over the place wild eyed, staring at me, expecting retribution… I just keep slow, quiet, firm and moving her, the brush, me, her tail till I hear this big sigh, and about the same time the final knot comes out of her tail.
I change to the next task, continuing moving her through each situation of asking for her feet, asking her to step forward, to walk over the ground poles, to accept the blankets, to accept the saddle, to allow me to step up in the stirrup, to get on and finally to get her to take willing small uncertain steps around the pen. Each time it is the same slow ask, wait, response, breathe, ask, wait, response, till the right response is found. Slowly her body starts to soften, slower still her head begins to lower, finally I begin to get a softness in her eye. The eye which has changed from hard, glassy, walleyed, to soft, big brown, liquid eyes of relief… I spent four hours with this little mare to get her to go from a state of rigid, dire, “oh no’, to a softer, “what is all of this, not sure but it is definitely worth learning what’s next”.
I love playing with this life I live. I truly am blessed with what I have learned!

I Changed The Affirmation On My Wall

Time, friends, hopes, dreams and aspirations hmmm, a double post or thoughts for today, coming from of all places… I added a new sentence to my affirmation wall “I Expect An Awesome Paying Writing Contract”. Then felt the need to play a game I bought and mess with about once every few weeks. This morning’s episode because I had time on my hand before my first lesson, everything else needing doing caught up with, bored with the thought of doing anything constructive and a piece of paper with the ideas that ran through my mind earlier. They were considered, and then passed for later to work with questions I needed more data on, to come to a more at ease, comfortable place about. The game picked up at the level I had obtained in name2. I had finally taught myself the game by playing it, and skimming the directions to where I felt competent enough to restart as alternate me, in expectation of time improvement to the same place and level. I then left the program on the computer, comfortable with my ability, with my mind to be better used in more entertaining, uplifting fashions than the pursuit up through higher levels of achievement. Proceeded to where I had left off, slightly amused at my improvement with time away from the game, when the type of playing changed to a faster “timed” speed. Took two, frantic attempts to complete the first time I tried. My awareness of a huge physical discomfort, not by the type of play, the instructions, or the tasks required. Nope, it all fell apart when I could hear the music playing faster and faster, and I watched the time getting less and less.
My mind warped, my heart beat rose, my whole physical being tightened. As I felt my body reacting so very strongly, I allowed my mind to start allowing other memories to surface, recall, and find resonance with the sensations of such strong fear, definite uncomfortableness and immense displeasure. Also thinking back over what had happened in the last week, something small, that I might have asked the Universe for some help with, now coming to the forefront with all the other things I have managed to pull out, re-weave and work into a new more comfortable picture of my life. Several small snags came quickly to the forefront, followed by one or two tiny, small things I had done this morning. So I played, felt, figured out, allowed, let go, and just found the pieces, one by one showing themselves. Disfigured, misplaced, misunderstood, and often tangled up so very tightly in the old picture/description of me found in all the people I have met, consorted, counseled, debated, argued with, and listened to. By burying my true authentic self, layers, upon layers, deep under their opinions, away from me.
I played on while thought after thought found me. The pulsing of my heart, the tightening of my gut over this feeling of time, must get it done now… what done? I asked, memories washing over me of not enoughness, someone might know, might recognize me, remind me of my place…what place? I asked, as the years ago memories of correction, schooling grades, courses taken, and degree’s expected. Sudden feeling of total stomach distress, things spinning out of control… there are rules, there are guidelines…What the hell are you kidding? Just about the time I felt I went to far, to fast, was pushing to hard. I felt the relief…as my body realized I was truly listening, understanding, caring about it, myself first.
Then the answers came as I found myself wading through the fears, accusations, and concerns at each and every stage of my life, where it had been misplaced, hidden from view in some incident from my past. First to be addressed, the not time thing for me to be or do something different. I explained to this little kid with a list of the ages one makes a decision as to why and what one does in life. Carefully untangling and challenging the choice of age, as passion and love have neither, they are all encompassing with joy and fun in being paid for the recognition of either in the finished product. Then the missed opportunities for the right guidelines , rules and regulations understood in the degrees one obtains and shows in their wall papering’s honored by those who toe the mark. My body relaxed a little, sitting up straighter, listening. I held myself close, showing the care of withdrawing a splinter way to deep, severely festered, aching with fear… knowing I had been writing for years, to great abandonment. Until shared or discovered by another with different taste and views… I am writing to love, honor, listen, and understand myself better, to be shared with those in like circumstances who desire answers who are on the same kind of path. Felt the room stop heaving, my breath easier, slower. But you’re a trainer, coach, counselor, bus driver there’s no time left it will take forever, you waited to long… I took a deep breath, I listened to my heart, I followed myself all the way deep inside, found the college student in love with words, the bookworm, the your taking more English, are you crazy? The girlfriend, date, wife and mother…who do you think you are??? Miss Britanica!! I laughed, a small simpler knot, not as old as the others, definitely woven tightly, backward, out of place a few rows to the wrong side. Deftly, softly, and lovingly undone. Rethreaded the needle, carefully placing the now warmed by new understanding thread, in a place of honor in my rapidly changing picture of me. I can do this, I can do it my way, I know the time is right, I know that I am guided, believed in, aided, assisted, and supported. I know this because I love me, I am listening to me, and I am a powerful creator! It is time!
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