Category Archives: Checking
All these thoughts drifting through my mind as I come in to alignment with my body on how I can comfortably live my life with it… is so not what I expected or was taught. I am discovering every day more and more habits that I do at an extreme price to my physical body now that it has had enough and has my full attention as I intuit why and what is right for me. Fascination holding the key when I rolled over in waking up this morning to absolutely no pain anywhere.
I then did the typical feel, move, stretch, and search for any signs of discomfort “before” I went to thanking my entire being for getting into agreement over how I can change pain by myself when I listen and trust the information that fleets across my mind, each time lingering longer as I begin to believe I am allowed to know what is best for me.
I am in total appreciation over the ease of simply being aware of the sensations in so many of my muscles just by when I am smiling, and the unique difference especially in my neck when I habitually choose any other facial expression. I was in awe of the sudden memory of the hall of our old house where my mother framed all of us girls pictures from K-12 and how I stopped smiling at about the fourth grade, the same time I realized working, equaled dollars. Creating things, yard work, leather craft, anything for a few dollars spending money always with this personal inspections from family others about how “right” or “good” it was.
The tons and tons of do overs, you missed a spot and the worst of all “you didn’t make that” until the entire piece was examined and the eventual flaw was found to satisfy the examiner. The whole time I felt I had to defend my work, try harder, do more to be paid and then was told how, where and what I was to do with the money earned.
This morning brought it even more to my attention as I took the time with each horse and became conscious of the seriousness I have extended to so many of the things I truly love doing. I now play the game of catching myself any time I am not smiling from this trained habit of defending myself for the right to do something my way. I have so well learned this amazing work ethic in all I do, even with each horse: grooming them till they sigh, discovering I have this natural (sheesh) grimace as I really get into grooming and stroking of each muscle. Catching the difference when I am doing it by feel, breathing real deep with each stroke and to inhale the smell of the moment, my face relaxed until I go to looking at what I might have missed and could do better. This time I smiled, I breathed, aware “damn I am hard on me”.
I go on to groundwork with each animal, again aware of any tenseness in my neck, and danged if it doesn’t match the moment my thoughts try to jump even 5 minutes ahead of what I am doing. So I grin, relax, leave the phone on the table and flip my watch over. The horses are different, easier, all of the steps asked for are met with this wonderful sense of ease and timing as I start off down the road for a half mile ride.
Trot, walk, trot, extend the stride, change hips, feel each back soften and move with me, oops the thought of one more horse to go. I feel the tug at my neck, I breathe, grin and let the thought go at the same time aware of the release in my shoulders, followed by a softer feel from my horse through the reins, a wonderful, light, supple connection.
Wow, I have been holding the world ransom from this habitual fear of having to defend my right to just play with, train, much less even own horses. The craziness I have bought into over the hundreds of times I let some other ask me how much I make, how can I afford to do what I do, much less the thousands of others who try to tell me how, when, where, and why none of this can or will work. I bought into their opinions, their ideas, their thoughts, their reasoning’s… to let all of that dictate my life. Defending and working so very hard to prove all of this stuff outside of me “matters” more than this passion that burns inside and brings me joy.
I smiled, breathed, allowed the tension and time to let go. I just connected, rode, danced, moved fast, then slow, had fun, and played being me. I don’t owe anyone or anything except my own body, mind, and spirit perfect alignment where WE ALWAYS LIVE TOGETHER IN EACH AND EVERY MOMENT OF NOW!!
Had invited him to go to the movies with me, he opted to stay home and borrow the computer. We agreed on the terms, which he was then checked on for an almost A+ performance. I in waiting for the okay he was done, several times got the message from the Universe… Slow down… really feel your way… really check to see what it is “you” want to do for you… check to really, really, feel who you are trying to please.
Several things crossed my mind, and then by double and triple checking I decided otherwise.
I gave him the okay, and headed off for the show driving in really slow, drizzly, damp, grey cold, mist. Paid for my ticket and then bought their movie night out packages for the upcoming Chinese Christmas with my family Monday. I went to see “We Bought A Zoo”, perfect story line and feelings for my current place in life. So glad I had opted for my jacket over the long sleeves and sweater after I got into the theatre because it was colder in there than out in the concession area. The pretzel was warm and filling, the cola helped the chill bumps. I was in this place of knowing something else is coming, almost here, any minute, but I am learning to enjoy the moment, and relax it will get here when it is supposed to.
Stop by a tea for later, a few scratch offs and an actual lottery ticket. Get home, we both just scrounge for something to snack on. I heat mine up, he goes to feed, then heats up his, we find a movie to watch. My phone goes off with a text message, and freezes… hmmm, then his refuses to hold a charge, and the sound on the movie from online quits. I do a quick survey of phones to think about, consider, kind of sleep on the idea of them. Do a quick email to all current owners and students of the temporary other number to use. Figure this day off thing is definitely an all day, no communication with others, as I continue to re-write my life and desires to make sure they are truly “all” about “my” dreams and goals from my heart! The school, arena, barns, writing, and teaching individually tailored to how another thinks, ingest, understands, and learns… It Is So About To Be My Total Reality!