Category Archives: Choices
First time in a very long while that the desire to write actually brought me to stop, sit down and just let my fingers follow the awareness’s found today.
This morning found me busy, doing all the things so that everything was in place, and ready for my two Sunday lessons. Round pen watered, horses fed and hayed, all equipment out, available and in place, with a last minute check to see if anything else needed to be done, so that things were just right.
Two hours later, found my students happy, successful, sweaty and glowing with their personal accomplishments. And me in the conflict after scheduling the next set of lessons, even earlier in the morning to avoid as much of the Texas heat as possible.
I was soaked in sweat, hair, shirt, most of my jeans, but at least my socks and shoes were dry and though heavy easy to slip off as I walked back into the welcoming cool of the house. After tending to the washed and watered off lesson horse, to send him and the other two loose for the rest of this Sunday. Aware of the feeling of my every thought, the heat, taking care of all others first, the reality of how great my place looked in perfect order.
Yet I could feel something was off. Aware of the tiredness from last night’s closing shift at 11, in bed by 12 to the early alarm at 7. All of this calculating, planning and double checking… felt off. I got myself some more water, started up a solitaire game, turned on some Abraham Hick’s, to feel the words soaking through my last few weeks of house cleaning to get to the bottom of this peculiar off feeling, permeating my skin at every move.
My eyes became heavy, as my entire body demanded rest, I flipped on a meditation and allowed it to take me away. Awakening to this feeling of recognition of an answer… to find the upside down heart my meditation afghan had formed, tossed off in my body’s desire for super cooling down. The answer ringing in my ears, as I replayed, then wrote out the entire end of the Abraham from earlier to truly let the words sink in, of my “chronic thoughts, that I’m thinking on a really regular basis, that fly in the face of who I really am and what I really know and it’s thoughts like the source within me knows that I am destined to fantastic success and than I am taking score of where I am and doubt that from time to time the source within me knows that there is no competitions. As I sometimes see others in what they are doing as competition and I feel that discomfort in that the source within me knows that what I think I want is still going to expand still further. In other words I haven’t even begun to tap the resources that are flowing to me…”
All of this belief in competition, my opinion of any other, what they are doing, wearing, breathing, speaking trying, becoming or thinking of me. Is not any of my business. It takes me away from feeling good! Away from being enough, better, or worse. It’s a habit of thought brought on by years of buying into “everyone elses opinion” of me matters, so that must mean I must either live up to their expectations or they must live up to mind. How crazy my life has been by believing in standards, trying to fit in, stand out, not fit in or even be seen.
When I felt the satisfaction of remembrance of each and every time I have ever created anything. Always caused, by an impulse, inspiration, awareness, or sudden idea that just “Felt Good” and I followed it. Not caring, not planning, just living fully, completely, in the moment. Reveling in my ability to connect to Source within me. With it’s Guiding, leading, dancing, co-creating the perfect solution for whatever had just caught my attention. To now be viewed in an entirely new way.
I’m back to being just me, doing living by finding and doing everything that feels good! 100 percent just playing and reveling with my fine tuning to be more and more me each and every moment of every day! Everyone else is off the hook to just be who they be!
The lessons in this last year have been amazing! With the new awareness’s that each day brings to me, as I open up to the things, remembrances from my past awaken in me to see, choose, change, and play with until I find the gift that is always there. Brought to the present in my day to day events which cause the miracle of changes in both Scoozi and myself. This month marks almost a year since my abrupt departure on my twenty second ride on her.
Caused my willingness to stop doing anything until I totally understood myself, my dreams, my intentions, my reasons and my true feelings into “Why” did I get to this point I such an explosive fashion? Where and was I intending to go on the same way? And how much of any of this came from being true to myself, or from pleasing others, unseen except in mind… the mindless crowd?
This morning’s sudden desire to share, came after I was reconstructing a new candle holder and playing with the aspect of making this new container, practical, able to hold the candle upright and safe from the cats being able to accomplish dislodging it from my desk to another shattered mishap on the floor.
As I was melting another candle to fill in the smaller hole on the bottom. The impulse to add a little color and extra fill for the hole, sent me for the smooth, colorful, clear, flat stones the cats had discovered to utilize for their nightly game of keep-away from one another.
After I filled the bottom, I thought it would be a nice touch to have a row of them in the space around the edge of the glass. Though this proved a interesting trying to be careful, executed experience of sliding the flat on one side of the stones down the sides of the vase into place with the big candle already adhered to the wax below.
In the experimenting with how to maneuver each stone in place, I kept catching small bits of the very soft natural wax, to smear on the sides of the glass… and a memory found me from a few years back when I took one of my students to her first ever exhibition.
This student (about 21) was learning to be astride a horse, in public, in an event that eventually utilizes speed, learning to control her fears of being run away with, being bucked off, being humiliated and a host of other mind terrors which she had previously encountered and come to me to work through. For her to actually accomplish 5 trips in and safely out of the arena with 2 times at a walk, 2 at a trot, and the last time comfortably at a lope… so excited and proud of herself.
To then as she is sitting there beaming, have an older lady come up and critique her on the clothes she was wearing and how from “up in the announcer’s stand” the male announcer could see down her shirt… humiliation at its best.
Her parents thankfully were in hearing range of the entire incident and attempted to make light of it. And even with the conversation about how what others said, especially since none of those comments had anything to do with all of the fears she had worked her way through, how much she had managed to accomplish… none of the good mattered. She decided to quit trying to compete, to be open, to breathe in her new found success.
My awareness of the looks of my new candle holder took on an entirely new perspective… It’s my first time playing with wax. It’s in my house for me. If I never get back to cleaning up all the smears… me and the candle don’t care because the candle still burns brightly and smells amazing.
Looks don’t mean anything. I understand that feelings, inside… are EVERYTHING. Managing our own feelings…no matter what the outside world says or does is the most important thing.
I am so appreciative of this last year and what I have learned… I don’t need to defend or explain anything I’m doing, have done or will do. Because I now choose to live every moment in what feels and works best for me. I am learning to coach, train and teach from the new standpoint of “It is what it is” What others think or say “DOES NOT MATTER” The feelings inside are everything. People are everywhere… EXCEPT INSIDE OF MY HEAD. It is ME and Only Me Who gets to choose HOW I REACT!
It’s been awhile since my last blog because I chose to continue my journey inward.
Learning more about me, who I am, who I was, the why’s of my life that all join together to create me in each “Now’. Following in the awareness of this last few weeks of only moments each day with my horses because of the vast amounts of rain found here this September. This last weekend culminating in a huge “ah ha” as the lights inside not only came on, but showed this huge piece of the tapestry that has always been right there, just out of focus. As I was use to living more in the answers others told, offered or thrust upon me.
Everything around us is always offering us the answers we seek. Yet in our societies the expectancy to conform to the pressure of fitting in is most prominent. We were taught at a very young age to respond mostly to make other people happy and then getting our desires met. The proof of one of the first words children learn is NO! Don’t touch, don’t move, don’t explore, don’t have until given permission. Permission usually with a price tag. You might get hurt, you might break something, you might do it wrong. Don’t learn about it, do as your told, I’ll keep you safe.
Yes you may have the cookie… if you do??? An entire litany of simple things at first. Give me a kiss, a hug, clean up the mess. Which slowly evolves into finish your work, take care of the dishes, take a bath, go to school. Then into the work arena of find a job, pay your bills, make your parents proud, fit your degree plan, get it done to get paid, have a family, buy a house. Yet… words don’t teach, only life experience teaches.
All of this showing itself as I was cleaning up my partnership with my new horse Scoozi. My intent… the focused idea of a fun, successful, easy, caring open communicative relationship. Amazed with how much baggage a horse just turning four (supposedly only halter broke) has with her.
Highly aware as I played with each situation which presented itself. The mirrored reflection of my life it revealed. Especially the tendency to double and triple check myself with others books, answers and videos… whenever the situation doesn’t simply resolve itself. The discomfort of not getting it “perfect” or “right” for the imaginary crowd that might suddenly show itself and critique my results here out in the country, many miles from any big city. The Universe always willing to guide me when I allow it to. Assisting me to find my way through this maze of self confusion, and then to my sharing my discoveries here.
This weekend I was led to a video (which I will share at the end) about finding one’s own answers and allowing others to find theirs, as a rat was taught how to tread water in the center of a swimming pool.
The one advantage the rat had… it’s only label was “rat”. Not a tall, short, skinny, fat, black, purple, OCD, PTS, or any of the other labels that cause separation, discomfort and fear of not being enough. This labeling hindering ones ability to learn and figure out the solution for ones self.
I have learned… I am amazing. I choose to stay fully present in each “Now”. I pay attention and reward every try of the horse… and myself. I step back and allow the other to express where they are at. I allow the other to take the time it takes. I am willing to change things when the answer I think should be next… is not really the answer that is needed. I am adaptable, I am constantly learning that in teaching there is no mold. No absolute. No definitive way. There is the final outcome to stay focused on. Just the how’s are the surprising solutions which present themselves to us when we stay open, allowing the best guidance of all… Trusting the feel… our gut, our senses, the good sensation, the ease in the next step. Keeping our focus and trust on a great feeling result.
My desire was originally thought to be a partnership with Scoozi, my new horse. Where what I have found instead… it’s a true partnership with Life. Learning I am capable, willing, aware and always connected when I allow the Universe to join, guiding me in the dance.
After all this practicing of learning to meditate and focus… and doing an incredible job of it. “Except…”
My inner being feels much louder now that I have found the way to quiet so much of the old programs from others which use to have control over most of my attention. The false old belief that fitting in was important. Making others happy by saving those in pain, despair, woe or whatever other drama they brought to the forefront of my attention to their neediness was the solution to being or having it all.
The voice spoke again, just a whisper as it knew I was listening…
You did so well last night, the pain that woke you about four this morning. You got up, took something for it, rearranged the bed, even turned the heating pad on low, to go back to sleep and wake up feeling fine.
Then the phone message ding… Need ride! Son hurriedly texted after checking to see if you were awake. Both of those texts you just answered. There was no focus. No thought as you read what was texted to sense inside for your feelings, then think and feel for the best answer for you.
First responder habit still has dibs on you!
No excuses seemed even a little bit plausible, as I felt the beginning of discomfort in my head. Then I grinned. The very discomfort I was feeling, was also the key to me allowing my inner self access to my attention again… from when moments before I told myself I was “having” to finish playing all of the players shown waiting in the queue, then I could go blog about what I’d discovered was true for me with the judging, focus, and looking away outside to others habit, taught in manifesting living the “perfect life”.
Softly the voice went on… Meditation was learned to quiet your mind. Focus was to learn how to hone in on “one” thing at a time. Awareness was to learn thoughts and feelings are partners in creating anything. All of these can create the most simple or complex creations when they work together.
Allowing was to learn and realize that judgment divides. In giving up deciding right from wrong, the focus is no longer outside of you. Everything is just choices to choose to continue to look at and create more of, or let go of to allow new thoughts to experience in.
The conversation with your son went better. You allowed him the choice of ranting on about all the things impossible about his transportation situation. Faced it straight on and gave him two choices that worked perfectly for you. Both required him to step up and figure out the best answer for him, from inside himself. No band aids, no hand outs, no exceptions. It’s his life.
It took for you to starting to feel physically off, stopping all of the excuses of your own “outside attention others first awareness” to feel for what you, all of your body needed. You slowed down, turned off the game without finishing it. Closed the browser, just sat with yourself, to focus on what would feel best… right now. Got quiet. Waited… to see the bottle of medicine in your mind, the amount to take with water. Then after taking care of yourself. Sat down and allowed the words to flow…
Damn… and now not only do you feel better… you finished a blog. Good Job!!!
I love this new way of tuning in to me, listening to what I am telling myself. Actually hearing all of the crazy, justifying statements that were almost silent roadblocks in any of my own movement forward. Loving when I’m in a focused state, fully invested in the experience and aligned with what is going on in the present moment. I am not worried about the outcome or any means to an end. I am learning how to be present and move with intention in caring about all of Me! Congratulating, praising and honoring all of this which is coming from within me, to me, for me. It’s so powerfully changing, honing and improving every aspect of my life.
Tears streaming down my face in apology, with no one physically present to have to apologize to. For something so simple that “I thought” I had unwittingly created a problem because I didn’t read all of the rules… After I received a polite reminder from a group I’m in.
When the feelings first came up of… shame, guilt, admonishment, reprisal??? My first thoughts started to run, I mean truly run off down that old bunny trail habit of beating myself up for my “mistake in not getting it right”… by accident.
Oh my God, who did I think I was?? I was just sharing, assisting, unasked, but coming from my best intention of the information being shared was valuable and might be of use to someone, besides just me.
When the second thought thankfully, quickly filled my mind… Cry, scream, bawl!!! React to exactly how I feel at this moment. For God’s sake woman, let it out, please don’t you dare stuff it again. Get in touch with all of yourself. That is what this moment is trying to teach you.
Don’t you feel it. Doesn’t it feel off? This reaction. This habit of thinking when someone else is just trying to reach out to let you know that you missed a turn. You went a block past your street. There is something here for you to learn. Your okay. It’s just a new step for you to choose, a new way to respond. A new better feeling belief to put in place, to replace a yucky old one that has been gumming up your reactions for years.
Ahh!!! The relief in actually listening to my thoughts and then truly finding what I am feeling as I have the thought. Something so simple as to actually respond to myself. By feeling, becoming present, honoring “my reaction” so I can find a new, better, feeling way to respond to each present moment.
Funny thing in being, in my allowing myself to be fully present with me just now. Was finding out how to fix one of the frustrating things about learning this new Office program. Where before I was inadvertently going from “insert mode” to “overwrite” mode and in not knowing how to fix it. I was just choosing to work around it, not understanding and scared of what I might have to learn… to utilize it. The answer now presented itself to me, as I was willing to be open to new possibilities to my “old reactive feeling thoughts”. By being open, actually acknowledging what I felt to be present in me. Allowed new possibilities in my life to show themselves now that I could actually see what I was doing to myself. Things are always working out for me when I allow, listen and feel for my inner guidance, present, in the moment.
“Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” ~Helen Keller
I never would of thought that bull nettle could be so full of the information that I have been asking for clarity about. Yet, here I was out in the amiable Texas 96 degree weather, slowly, deftly moving from plant to plant on the top 2 acres of my property.
Not having rain on this clay/sand hillside was allowing growth only to the magically deep taproot system that allows this plant to flourish amid the heat. Much like my deep rooted desire to know the truth in my questioning of off feeling beliefs, that wonderfully keep surfacing for me to examine and change or discard completely.
I had noticed in the last few days the raggedness of the sparse growth of grass in any but the shaded areas, with the contrasting greenness and size of the scattered nettles out on my riding area. Trusting the impulse to more easily weed-eat them than drag out the big mower. I easily fired up my machine and started trimming away, when I felt this huge download of thoughts from the questioning earlier of my belief of why I “use to so easily do for others first”.
Old belief “because I’m supposed to take care of others first, helping those less fortunate because I perceive them as helpless.” Flip side “I assist others as I guide them into finding their own answers as I now choose to see them as confident and able, when they find information they get from answering their own questions filtered back to them”.
This was followed by a new understanding about instant gratification and manifestation. Caused from the circumstances of several of my clients in the last few days, whose children, friends or family would either physically, by text or by calling. Break in at a crucial part of the lesson, for the parent to stop, fix, buy, console, or delegate whatever the other needed, so they could continue “their lesson on their time”. Followed by personal awareness of when I use to do the same in shopping with my kids and “buy them something” so I could think, finish shopping and have my peace back. Highly aware of how much I used to mentally beat up on myself for giving in to them.
Now I see that as a learned habit, but at least I allowed myself to buy my own thinking privacy back. Even when I handled the beliefs of “their my kids, family, friends, they don’t understand, I must take care of them first, because they won”t love me” if I don’t.” The buying was a perfect instant manifestation for me… I never celebrated that I did momentarily take the heat off of myself. Albeit temporarily, I had an out, a little relief, I did have a solution to a huge bevy of taught beliefs about my children, spouse, coworkers (fill in the blank) coming first.
This peace I find in physical work, especially since I tackle the “real work” the kind that makes you sweat, get dirty, stinky, smell, break nails, soil and wrinkle your clothes. The kind unless paid, threatened or begged… everyone mysteriously vanishes. For me to contentedly, accomplish the task at hand, and allow my mind to focus. My perfect self-taught way for those millions of other thoughts to be held at bay… My learning how to allow only in that which assist me in the task at hand.
I am so proud of me. I have been secretly meditating for years with working… playing with my dreams, accomplishing consistent daily steps toward my goal. Alone!!
So gloriously now in full awareness of my learning how to get more and more in touch with my inner guidance, to follow impulses, to do these little movements forwards, by reading just a page in a book, just a quote here, a glance, then movement to readjust a bucket. Pay attention to my horse’s ear because someone is approaching, notice the response in my clients of the frustration of how to stop their child’s onslaught need for attention. Finding the ability to focus, notice, and assist on the real nature of the question not voiced. Where does one’s power begin…
Finally fascinated with how many words, phrases, and excuses I use to believe held the key to personal power. How much it use to frustrate me to find a book, lecturer, video, or series that would just go on and on and on. And my mind would scream “To Many Words, simpler is better”. I was just taught (and believed) it was rude to honor my true feelings. I needed to explain myself, and this whole list of and for others. Instead of one simple, poignant word… NO! One word that is simple, yet powerful, and to the point “NO!”
Saying No to another… is such a big YES to SELF!!
Awareness is the key to change. Though actually in my process of discovering what it is I need to change, I have found I can be aware of the things on the surface, and never once have touched the undertow actually running my life. Amazed at discovering there is this place inside where when one is persistently, intently focused on what appears to be happening right in front of them, outside of their control, while an entire slew of subtle old beliefs are actually controlling the current.
The beliefs of who “Am I” usually start with an entire litany of others description of me, as they see, desire or need me to be. Which in the living of my life I have done an incredible job of fitting into just fine, by doing all the steps necessary to make others wishes come true. Yet now, no where in this incredible state of doing so much for so many have I found the entirety of me.
Earlier today I went into meditation with the desire to know what is the core belief that ties all of this stuck-ed resistance together for me to not find myself in either the “glorious picture of success” presented by advertising or the “famous rescuer of the world” from the shamed and blasphemed sensationalism depicted in the news.
Before me danced the many dictates of beliefs I have encountered in the past with each one saying “pick me, look here, notice me”, nodding at their availability, I continued down the rows of my life’s steps, stopping to look, pick up, uncover and examine each in turn. Slowly feeling for the emotion attached or represented by each one.
Noticing something odd, just a little off, barely tangible, almost out of sorts… A single out of place thread, just a wisp poking out of the side, off to the edge, barely visible on some, in plain sight on others, yet it continually looped back and forth between all of the aisles of my life.
As I looked back I discovered there was not one single evident belief that it did not run through.
Interestingly it was the most simple shade of gray. Not flashy, not pretty, not ugly… just there. Small, slim, fine like a spider’s silk, yet resiliently stretching over years and years of the past.
I stopped, walked back, picked it up, truly examining it to see what truth it had for me.
It was alone. It had no others. There was just the one tiny, slim thread. So fine as to seem to be just a tiny thought, buried here, yet in plain sight. Waiting to be found, to be gathered and re-weaved, successfully into my awareness. The biggest change I needed to find, see and realize. My Aloneness!
I alone can change my life. There is no waiting. No blaming. No loss… other than not choosing my taking and owning my own power. The responsibility to own everything I have ever done as the perfect steps to lead me to now.
I have been steadily, slowly, constantly learning, deciding and choosing whether it is to say no or yes to any situation. Because nothing is ever truly wrong, to be judged or challenged. It’s just not right for me. I, Alone, own the choice. I, Alone choose to be more, less or do nothing. But I so Gloriously “ALONE” get to choose. For there is no one else inside who causes me to feel or think. JUST AWESOMELY ME! I am my connection to it all. Every day a little bit more, every moment I choose to be the best me… YET!
The last few years I have sparsely written, as I had chosen the path of true self-discovery. Much like the weaver of a blanket who discovers in their almost completed project a couple of twisted out of place threads, which could have been just snipped, untwisted and replaced. Yet who knew instead there was much more to be gained in going back, completely undoing the months and years of work, to slowly… with new found awareness, patience and complete love of self to a place of truly knowing who I am worth to choose to rework the entire weave.
The last couple of years here in this small Texas town that has weathered the destruction and reconstruction (for me such a perfect outward expression of my inner journey) a tornado, straight line winds, massive rainfall, and just recently the edge of a hurricane, the eye passing within thirty miles to the east of here.
My oldest son changing jobs, buying his own place and settling into his current phase of life, whilst my youngest graduated, worked a series of fast food jobs, before finally finding work he truly, currently, enjoys. Including his moving out in the last few weeks as part of the series of learning the value of being on his own, which amazingly accompanied my own realization of how much of my life had been programed to taking care of others first.
In reweaving my life’s blanket, the threads I have gone within to find were all of the beliefs given to me by well-meaning others, the media, society, any and everything else that has attempted to tell me who I am so that I fit their idea of me.
I had just about found my way back to the first third of my life’s blanket the month after my youngest graduated last year, when I discovered this strange lack of activity in my routine. In puzzling over the difference as I continued with my “normal” routine, when the awareness of what the something missing was finally found me. For the first time in 24 years I did not have to “run” to school, the store, and the office to report, fix, repair, replace or return anything in assisting my boys in getting through school to be the somebody’s society expected.
I found myself bathed in the uncertainty of who was I really? I had this enormous list of things I was doing to fit into being “who I thought I was supposed to be”. Followed by slowly, carefully, daily, unthreading, unwinding, and sorting through the colors of beliefs, ideas and suggestions that I had learned to believe were supposed to be me. Thus utilizing yoga, exercise, diet, reading, and listening to a variety of authors as I allowed myself to actually discover, be content, and happy, by doing whatever I truly desired.
It took this last year with lots of alone time with the horses, the cats, the dog, myself, this place with its amazing views and the assortment of clients for me to see the reflection of who I had been, who I could be, who I was… always vividly portrayed by the situations I would see in front of me.
I have learned what the horses have shown, taught and instilled in me, as my truth. Everything is a result of what I am vibrating, feeling, being and expecting. There are no exceptions. It took almost stripping myself bare, learning to listen to every single thought, really feeling every feeling, awareness to every word I spoke aloud to finally realize I had created my entire life, no exceptions! If I truly desired change, I would have to be as aware in my moment to moment activities of my mind, body and beliefs, as I am when I am fully aware in handling and working with anything new.
There are no idle thoughts or feelings. Animals are gifted that way. They feel their way by living fully in each moment. There is no worry about tomorrow, or yesterday. Only this moment exist.
All of my old habits of thoughts as to what another thinks is okay or right… have been the walls of the prison I held myself in by thinking that I have to be some particular way to have a life, much less my life.
I am in such an amazing place of awareness and appreciation for everything I have ever done. I KNOW I can say no and not give a rip about anyone else. Because I truly am the only one who creates in my reality. I am really for the first time in forever knowing and loving who I am, what It is I desire, and who I comfortably, completely, thoroughly enjoy being and becoming more of. I am in love and at home with myself.