Category Archives: Dreams

Trainer/Coach Transformer

002When you think you know what it is you do and suddenly find yourself fully engulfed having fun changing lives in ways you never quite imagined or have ever explained to another…

In the last few weeks of my working with horses and their owners I was suddenly, almost magically transported to a keen insight into what it is I am actually doing in my “supposed” line of work as a horse trainer/coach. I am a transformer.

I have owners bring me their problems… horses, fears, ideals and dreams. Their horses that have stopped working, are barely moving, running away and are in conflict with what is being expected, or are totally refusing to “behave”.

I evaluate the communication between horse and rider, finding the clues to the mistakes. Many times because the horse’s body is out of alignment. The owner’s timing is off. The horse has never been asked or taught how to move in ways that are comfortable much less correct, and with no idea of how to ask with the rider’s body for the expected results with their horse.

I assist people in learning to connect in the horse’s body language of communication, how much difference it makes to a horse to move in a way that the horse can flow in any direction that is desired when the person asking is in the right place. Even more so to be able to bring to the owner’s awareness that many of the horses brought to me have been started or handled by well-meaning individuals who are not aware of what incredible mimics’ horses are. That every minute you are handling a horse you are teaching it something! What you do want or what you don’t want. For horses focus and live in the now, they are not thinking of ten minutes ago, are where they will be tomorrow.

Their focus on present is so keen, that if they are asked to move in any way that causes the one moving them to stop moving. They accept the non-movement as this last movement they have done was the right answer.

I have had three horses in the last four days that are older horses, who have no idea how to lope confidently on the ground with a lead attached, much less under saddle. These horses all show the signs of being ridden by people that had no idea that everything they asked a horse to do, even if it put the horse’s body out of balance. It had to be the right answer because one of several things would happen. The horse would stop moving, slow down to a more in control speed, the rider would stop pulling, yanking, kicking, lose the rider, or would quit and put the horse away. Many times selling the horse because they didn’t know how to fix the problem they had created.

I assist owners in becoming aware of how everything going on with their horses is a reflection of something in the owner’s confidence in communication. Horses and their owners’ bodies are evaluated, for chiropractic, feet, emotional and communication abilities. Many times as in the present horses… I go all the way back to simple, basic baby steps. In assisting the horse to find trust in my ability to ask with the right feel and timing for the best answer for the horse, then by showing and teaching this to the rider to start a whole new form of communication. Teaching and coaching both with their ability to understand and work with each other to change the habits that have brought them to me.

Always I watch with fascination and joy as a horse learns to lose the brace from frustrated, fearful handling because of all the misunderstanding in trying to figure out what is desired of them, and that it is possible to do these movements in a much more comfortable and easy way. I show both how to communicate comfortably, safely, and effectively in a way that they both understand and can feel that they must move as a team, each one’s job is to be in a position to assist the other the best placement of their bodies, so they can now find a new way to react that feels and works better for the both of them.

Many times taking former “washed up, bad, blown up” horses, and frustrated, fearful riders. Back to performing winners, comfortable, and confident companions, by getting all to slow down, communicate, trust and “ask” each other to be the incredible partner they had both been seeking and believing possible when they first came to me. I love my job, the people and the horses that grace my life.

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These Communicative Aches and Pains…

photo (5)The last few days have found me in a remarkable feat of truly cleaning house, barn and office. Espying things I so desire to now have, as I look around at what is here that I can change in a very concrete steps of movement forward, and all the while with an ear turned inward listening to the latest conversations going on in my head. Which less and less lately have been arguments between my old insistence of holding on to parts of my past that truly no longer serve me anymore and  the truth of just letting go of them. I am realizing many of the items were things I was talked into and then have been clinging so hard to the imagined importance they have in my life.

The entire time my body has been orchestrating so many of the decisions by twinges of discomfort when I pick up an item to dispose of, then change my mind and put it back. Only to be met by a dull ache, which within minutes easily escalates to a full pain of “no, go it must”, after finding, pulling, stretching, massaging, even aspirin are not letting me off the hook.

Today finding me loads lighter, after several trips to sell, donate, or throw away various pieces and piles of memories I know needed to be looked at in a new light. Appreciated for their time in service to me and applauded for their holding out till I was ready to see… I truly can have my life, anyway that I desire. When I line up my outside world view with the way the inner me guides me to embrace my truly heart felt decisions. Guided by this whole body (heart, mind and spirit) which has been talking to me all along, just my understanding of right, wrong, rules, and long held decisions proclaimed to me from others as their truths. Really were “their” truths, they just didn’t and don’t fit me.

From my 29 x 38-40 inch inseams, to my size 8 ½ D men’s shoe size (that translates to about a 10 ½ to 11 in women’s) with my broad size large shoulders, to have to take up to a medium/small waste. My taste of cowboy boots, Wrangler blue jeans, and mostly cotton, soft to the touch, colorful sleeveless shirts, which I buy for the way they feel and fit. The sleeves are usually not long enough to get to my wrist, so I cut the sleeves off, redesign them into the pockets I prefer on shirts to hold my chapstick when I am out with the horses.

I am aware of my body’s guidance even now as I type for the words which just flow across the page, except for the feeling of stop, look again, maybe… then an aha as the right words fill in the pause of… hmmm, no not that… Yep that is perfect, as I smile aware of me finally getting me right. Topped off by the last few days of amazing, wonderful incidents of after each situation occurred and I calmly addressed the “that’s not what I had planned” with the words and the feelings of “this or something better” which resonated completely through all parts of me.

Last night’s clients choosing to wait two weeks to pay at the actual next lesson, instead of their usual pre-paying before the start of each new series. I breathed, smiled, said sure, while changing my plans for a meal out to what could be thrown together without going to town. As my youngest walked in, asked where we were going for supper, and before I could even get my thoughts together, said “my treat”, so off we went for a simple together supper. Where he then informed me he has been using my “thank you box” for himself. Hmm imagine that.

With this morning’s lesson a no show, I relished the cool weather and great ground after last night’s shower for me and my horses to utilize and enjoy. Followed by a quick trip to the feed and grocery store with a compelling urge to stop and buy some scratch off tickets. Which after all feed and groceries were put up, revealed 3 purchased tickets, 3 winners, $37.00 to the plus. All by listening to the inner guidance of my feeling good, my confidence with the quick impulses and my trusting my body for the distinct yes’s when I feel fine and the aches signaling I am out of sorts thinking and living from someone else’s beliefs or ideas of what is best for me.

Finding a peaceful, truly open feeling at my place as I discarded all of the stuff other’s, in their attempt to make my life comfortable to their beliefs and ideas of who I was expected to be. Now opens up and expands as I live for me, loving, caring and listening to all parts of me, guided by my every breath to know what is best and right for me to be the best me, listening to the Source within me!

New Year’s Eve Dreaming & My Challenge

For this 45 day challenge… let me start with the most curious of dreams after going to bed with my house all clean and ready for 2012. I am traveling and good friends with this man who’s a country singer (resembles Tim McGraw) we are out somewhere getting ready to eat. From the tour bus I am carrying all of these books, rolls of building plans, and a very nice, new soft sided dark reddish brown briefcase, stuffed full to the breaking point. As I go to spread all of this stuff out on the table, he looks at me and says “Don’t know why you keep doing all this studying and schooling, you know so much, you should be teaching the class. Quit all of that getting more schooling and teach all ready!!” All the while this is going on there is a man (bout my age) seems to be a member of the band, who keeps picking wild herbs and spices, perfectly grown and truly fresh and giving them to me. Not expecting or saying anything, just a friendly, here you need this sort of thing.
I wake up, and spend the day thinking about the dream and this challenge… My two friends and I are meeting once a week. We are building the master plan for the arena, classes, and facility. We will be coming up with our Mission statement, proposing the horse class to the principals who have inquired about it. Work on getting writing done for grants and find a way to get all of this oilfield money to become invested in this community. I am continuing to write, aiming to include as much of my daily lessons and observations into it, to be presented some time in this 45 days to several of the inquiring businesses. Looking forward to hosting at least one clinic for the local school teachers, and smiling all the way to the bank!
That is a whole lot…but I am worth it!

Diving Off

Lots and lots of dreams, huge forward moving, excellent choices, strong remembering’s of things long past, brought fully awake by an incident that when it happened in the dream, I could literally feel the difference. The feeling of smallness was so very wrong for the person it represented. So I sat up and pondered it for a while, tasting, sensing, and feeling the difference so palatable, so wrong for the truth I had actually experienced, now so definably different. No answer or solution forth coming so I got up to move toward my day.
Cold, crisp and clear with just the hint of pink fog off the river down below the hill and with an extremely clear sky, more differences to note as I fed. Came in for coffee and biscuits, the desire for the phone numbers presently still lost to me in my locked up phone, till I can go into town to get it repaired. So a quick email for the most important numbers is sent out to those I communicate with most often. Which interestingly enough set off a chain of events when two of the contacts put in calls promptlyback to me so I could just save the numbers. Both of them also calling with more information about the proposed arena and school, their views, ideas, and thoughts, each agreeing to stop in later to talk. About then I noticed the time, signed off and started getting ready for the day’s schedule.
First horse still moving slowly after his mishap with the fence, though still readily listening and following my body and my mood as I noticed the time, which corresponded perfectly with the arrival of my lesson. She is standing straighter, moving easier as we start her lesson. I notice her intent, her desire to learn more and expand her knowledge both about horses and this energy work I do. We have a really good, moving forward lesson, with her easily and aptly asking more questions, doing lots of thinking until her eyes light up, as she realizes her body has found the right feel and movement. She suddenly quits trying to think her way forward and allows the rhythm and movement of the dance as the feeling of partnership finds her. When we get to the end of the session as I am doing my normal follow up questions, she remarks to me how she appreciates what all of this paying attention to how her energy reacts with the horse’s has done for her. Providing her with the information she has been looking for as to why she attracted the kind of men from before. She has discovered her boundaries are changing just in the two short sessions we have had. We set the time for the next session, say our goodbyes and I grin knowing I am receiving conformation from the Universe I am going the right way.
Then both of my friends from earlier, pull in the drive way with in minutes of each other, turns out they have met before under different circumstances. We all laugh at the synchronicity of life. Then I show them the area under consideration, we each contribute our ideas and for the next 30 minutes have a short introductory of where we each coming from, setting up a general game plan to meet again in the next three days. Each person required to make notations of any and every idea, to then have a sit down, pow-wow to come up with the major mission statement and ways to tie all this stuff into a long range business plan. Every one leaves jazzed and prepared to take more steps toward our overall dream. The best part being it is so much easier to share with like-minded individuals… I so feel good about my life, my dreams, my steps forward and upward.

Okay I Admit It I’ve Been Afraid

Seems like all this writing, besides honing my skills. Has allowed me to dig deeper into me, uncovering and dealing with each layer of (now realized) self-protection, enabling me to be with me and support myself in ways I have always dreamed of being supported by another. Just took me till now to realize the support I was so easily giving and sharing with others, has always been here just waiting on me to figure it out, that it is okay to love and take care of me first, foremost, and always. It is not selfish, it is not wrong, it is not anything I have ever been taught about making myself last and waiting my turn.
Big sigh, as I see the sun so wonderfully enveloping the entire room as it climbs in the morning sky to dry out the cold, dampness from the last two weeks of “yes” much needed rain for this and the entire state of Texas. Funny how the Universe knew to match my moods where I have been searching, digging, excavating and discovering the root parts of me, buried so deeply, safely away, to avoid further humiliation, distress, uncertainty and all the other old stuff that finally found me after Christmas with my family last night. I watched the inter changes, listened to the talks, heard the general tone, and dynamics of those I care about. Wondering, how I could help, what all of this was really reflecting back to me about me. With real fun at the gift exchange part, followed by quick noticeable departures, I felt so strongly from others mirrored inside me, just with no real answers.
My youngest and I said our goodbye’s, loaded up our stuff, and departed with me driving, thinking, and aware. Getting home to my horses out in the yard, the youngest swearing he had closed everything as he rounded them up, talking ugly to them under his breath for their awareness of his hurrying earlier and evidently not checking to see all gates latched and closed properly from the enquiring expertise of my gate artists. Animals re-corralled, fed, watered, hayed, latches, gates thoroughly checked and all lights turned out. Came inside to put away the dishes, showered, and a few games of solitaire for my mind still thinking, considering and searching for the answers, since nothing showed itself I went to bed. To dreams about men, loose horses, and hedges with holes, and fence lines that were under construction, some places completely missing and others with odd patching’s.
Woke up, reminded my youngest of our agreement for him to do the morning feeding, went and made the fixings for breakfast. He was not moving quite fast enough for my morning mood, and as I felt this annoying consistent anger rise. I could feel how out of place, inappropriate, misguided and off base where it was directed at. So I asked myself “what gives?” All of me answered back “you’re mad at yourself, cause your afraid to move any closer to your dream!” I felt the anger drain away, I knew what I had just said to me was right. I have been frozen in fear, just like the side of my face, because what if I’m wrong, what if I get duped again, what if…. What if… what it?
I got some coffee, 2 biscuits with jam, turned on the computer, pulled up the program for drawing, opened it, but instead of letting it frustrate or stop me cause I don’t know how to use it yet. I opened the desktop publishing program I am extremely comfortable and familiar with. Allowing my now open to the possibility I could fail, but at least movement is forward motion. Decided on what tools I would need if I were to hand draw it. First thought graph paper, so I pulled up graph paper images, copied, pasted one to my open page. Went back outside, measured the distances on my property, then crossed the fence and measured out the distances on the proposed adjoining property next door. Came back in and put all these now easy pieces together.
Things kind of a got a lot easier, when I figured out the only one keeping me from anything has been me. I have failed before, but I generally figure it out and then one, two, five or more times later I have really much better end results than when I started. So here goes…. Oh yes Margarita, this I attribute to your wonderfully observant and in-depth answer from before!

Counting Down or Maybe Counting Forward

All this thinking, dreaming, desiring, and reading, expanding my mind, while I am taking my time to create a much larger picture than I had had previously. I awoke early and just lay there, stretching, thinking, visualizing. Allowing my mind to reach further than I have desired in forever toward thoughts of fulfilling each of the steps that were now presenting themselves to me, one little revelation at a time. Knowing that I had clients coming, I only lingered long enough to get a full idea of this new way of looking, examining and turning over in my mind the perfectly formed pictures from before. Now as each, new becoming addition, seemed to snap so easily into the places that used to appear, lackluster, drab, almost with the feeling of a dead end.
Now feeling jazzed that all of this feels moments away from becoming my bigger reality. I got up, made coffee, designed and printed one gift certificate for my favorite client. Jumped in the shower, dressed, hair done, make-up on, as I hear the dogs barking, my automatic alarm for vehicles on the premises. Hurry out to say my hello’s and love the expression on her face over the unexpected gift. Amused as the two boys hurry to see who gets to go first, the younger quickly and aptly brushes, blankets and saddles his, with a quick smirk to the older, as we begin.
He has one side of his horse so completely tuned into his every question, but, the other side is this, hmpth, maybe, I don’t have to, stand offishness, with me coaching from the outside of the pen. After about 5 minutes of using all the tools that had worked on the other side, he stops, looks at me and ask for assistant. I go in, show him how to change his body position in reference to the horse’s, how to really make sure the horse’s ear and eye on the side facing him is actually pointed in his direction, before and during asking for advance or retreat. We go through the steps of having the horse turn away from him, or toward him, finally getting the expected response from the horse and a grin on the young man as he feels the dance.
So he mounts up, and as we put the big horse through his paces, the rider now feels the definite difference from getting the horse fully focused on the ground. We then proceed to hone, little movements of his arms, elbows, and hips, slowing them down, up, more or less till he is grinning as the big horse starts almost matching him as fast as he changes his thought. We come down to the small circle, finger up, or down, calf pushing or releasing, forward, sideways, and finally backwards. The big horse stops, is completely without any pressure on the bit, and his head drops lower the moment he is asked to stop. I give the thumbs up, he dismounts and heads back to the trailer. As horse and owner number two begin their groundwork.
Funny with the two young men being brothers, their personalities so extremely different, so well matched to horses the same size with exactly the same two different personalities. Working on many of the same exact movements, yet using entirely different tools and forms of thoughts to obtain these two boys grinning, sitting straighter, more confident, and more assured and comfortably managing animals that “use” to give them the runaround. As rider number two finishes and heads back to the trailer, the mom marvels at how much they always learn when they come here. How much they enjoy it, and how she can hardly wait till her horse finishes his month of tune up, for her to partake in lessons with a horse that better understands what is being asked, for her to then learn with and continue the fun that all of this has become.
We say our goodbyes, and as they are leaving I begin my horse rotations for the rest of the day. My big horse is puffed up, still sending out energy to the new horse that he is herd boss, and watch him perform, he so knows his stuff. Horse number two is just into playing, listening, partaking, but with the attitude of power, speed, let’s get it done and over with. Then to the little mare, in a snit because I am turning horses out as soon as I am done, and she does not think she should work first. So begrudgingly at first, she tries to just do enough to get by, till sensing I have all day, when she suddenly becomes all business like, turning and moving like the class act she can be when the mood fits her. We go through each ask, respond, stop, turn spin, head down, lick and chew, I grin as I am grooming her back off at how funny and like us they can be. Grab up the last of mine, he sighs, tries to run through it all so he can go out and play, till he realizes he will do it over and over till its right. Another sigh, he slows down, really starts attempting to listen better, small steps right, pivot, small steps left, pivot, step back, drop his head, release, take a deep breath and my personal horses are done.
With only the new horse left, and having such a great morning, I am in high hopes that the long session yesterday might have really ended in a really good place. Hopefully the asking for the left front hoof will be better. I am so pleased, when each thing I taught, showed or suggested he try to do yesterday, suddenly today, I have this great big huge cooperating animal, actually trying, working with me, showing me how smart he truly is, and how what I have shared with him about the way I will work with him, if he will let me. Truly does work for him. We have such an awesome session, I impress myself with his responsiveness and memory for all he was shown the day before. We finish with his head lower, a huge sigh, a perfect follow the leader game of stop, start, back-up as we head back to unsaddle. I brush him down, take him out to the big sandy pen, to turn him out to role and run till later. I am so in love with this path I have finally found such great footing on as I keep moving toward my dream!

This Morning I Just Had To Write…

And lay blame ( 😛 smiley face with tongue out) or appreciation… to all of you dream sharers of this last week. I had the most incredible, and easy to understand most of what I was getting me to see/comprehend: I was standing in a room with a comb, a brush and a bottle of hair conditioner. My hair looked and felt dry, thin, tired all messed up. It was long, past my shoulders, in the middle of my back in a great, big, huge, wiry, ball of tangles. And it seemed I had been sitting there for days and hours trying to very, very carefully untangle the mess. “Working diligently, carefully, slowly, smoothing out this brown, sun streaked, bleached ends, oily combination of years and weeks of confusion.
Having succeeded in having all of it untangled, except the clump, sitting in the very center of my back, just out of sight and reach, but I could feel it constantly bumping me, knowing I was almost there, just a little bit further. When I got up, walked in the bathroom, got my sharp little gray and yellow scissors and decidedly just cut off the mess exactly above the knot. To find my hair suddenly clean, thick, lush, alive, bouncing right above my shoulders now in plain view, a luscious brownish red, swishing in an angled cut toward my back. When the phone rings and it’s my hair guru, checking about my appointment for Wednesday. He is gay, so much fun, laughing and cutting up with me about keeping this appointment so he can help me finish fixing the mess (this is in the dream, I don’t have one in real life, yet). I tell him what I have done, how great my hair feels, except for the oddness of the angle. He just laughs says it’s about time, to be there at 10 Wednesday and he will assist with the finishing touches, so my hair will look perfect no matter how it is viewed. I am feeling so enthralled with how great my hair now feels, how much lighter, alive, flowing and sensuous, I just can hardly wait for the few minor things to complete my new, freer look!
Woke up on time, really enjoying the feeling the dream left. Understanding everything except how important the appointment feels for next Wednesday at 10am, nothing is on my schedule yet, but you can bet I am leaving that entire morning open. I am amused with myself, as I get showered, dressed, organized, whilst my youngest volunteers to put the package in the truck for my bus aide, and then “asks” if I will teach him how to start the truck. All this offering and asking, I am so jazzed as we head off to work. It is a truly cold, wet, morning, but I am excited because for the first time in a week the clouds are truly far above the ground, much like my spirits of relief over all this discovery of me being true to me. I continue driving, all the while my mind, as if suddenly free from some large set of blinders, is suddenly imagining, day dreaming, pulling up and putting together tons of old memories, ideas and fantasies. Which at the time many of them occurred to me, I kept pooh, poohing myself for such crazy, wild, delicious imaging’s… how or why would any of those kinds of wonders happen to me.
I now feel the rush of excited anticipation of the things that are about to manifest all around me. I now know, that all of this big, huge, major sense of struggle these last few years, was the struggle of me, letting go and getting out from under everyone else’s ideas and opinions of me, about me, for me and for whatever I am currently doing, thinking, considering, or deciding. I love finally feeling how all of these ideas, dreams, and imaginings really are logical and have a true basis in the very heart of me. As I drove, the pieces which at one time felt so completely unrelated, suddenly started to almost magically begin to take form. Ideas on how all of this fits began to take shape in my mind, like a kaleidoscope of images, easily, simply falling into place. I finish my route, hurrying home to feed, write, and enjoy the expected first call of the day.
Which begins and ends amidst much laughter as the college councilor finally admits, that all of the Universe screw ups with the computer “again” today. Really might just be about me lining all of this up for some future date. Plus allowing her to truly experience the Law of Attraction in action, she laughingly suggesting my direction being in public speaking, since I had her laughing, learning, and enjoying the entire conversation. All the while my hands and feet are growing colder, when the phone rings with counselor number two. There are more than several interruptions, this site won’t let me log in at all. Finally I realize and know that this particular college is not an option I will be pursuing. I so love my body for giving me the heads up, or should I say “hands and feet” notice! Either way, all and all this is such a terrific feeling Friday. I love my life, I love writing, I love teaching, training, sharing, communicating with everything in my world.

Teeter, Tottering Finding "My" Balance

I have been on a journey this weekend, in love with writing as a way to communicate with myself. I have discovered the massive benefit of it, after I finish writing whatever has been flowing out of me on to the page in front of me. When I stop to read it back, I am usually overjoyed, amazed, and many times relieved in the answer that now is there for me to see, comprehend and realize. Sometimes in the words I use to express what I feel in my viewing of scenes around me which really stick in my mind. As long stories, wonderful expressive words, which hone in on the texture, sight, taste and even the sounds that I hear, intending as the thoughts and ideas come, how it will be on the page. To then discover when I actually get to the writing part, and entirely different language or combination of scenes begin to unfold. I have discovered this happens because there is always something going on in my mind that I am expecting to figure out, or resolved on some current situation in my life.
These discoveries are like my ability to create or edit my life, in a fashion that will bring me something better than before. I know that I am always creating, we all are. In some form or fashion, in the moment we decide we want something different. Like today for supper, I started a pot of beans, to go with a new chili recipe I had found. Knew I had a package of cornbread, so there would be something really warm and rib sticking for when my youngest came in from his first full day as a cement helper in the cold with his older brother. I get the onions, garlic, and pepper diced. Put the beans on for quick soak method. Then got the cornbread out, poured it in the bowl when a bell went off in my head to check for eggs. Nope, none and not wanting to drive in the damp, muddy, cold this late in the day, called my oldest and asked if on his return trip with his brother to bring me one. But, even though he said yes, I knew he was busy, he might forget. So I started to feel around in my mind, for a better easier combo. Hit on the idea of rice, which would then make it still combinable with the chili and beans in a bowl, nourshingly hot, without having to wait on making the cornbread till after they got back here.
My mind running back through today, all low key, thinking, thoughts, which were supplied from my huge outpouring yesterday, and the last few weeks of allowing myself to write, express myself, and my ideas of the connectedness of all of the events, items, critters and people in my life. The feedback I have received, a whole lot of great ones, and a couple of ones that caused me to re-consider “what was I thinking?” So yesterday and part of today, I went so far as to actually go on line and check on going the prescribed route. Called a few friends, discussed going back to college for a degree. Checked out all of the financial arrangements, and took the test available for” if I fit the ideal” for someone to go to school. All the while it rained yesterday afternoon. A long, really, really, slow, drizzly, bone chilling wet, almost misty rain. Which started at two and continued till six, causing my two lessons to call and cancel, they didn’t want to make anyone stand out in it.
So I did an internal check on my feelings about all of this writing. I love the way I feel when I get started, there seems to be almost an internal force that directs my fingers. Which as long as I just allow it, not really thinking, the words just flow on to the screen. Should I start thinking about what someone else might think, my fingers literally start tripping all over themselves, trying to stay out of the way of offending another’s taste. Kind of like the college discussions, yes they are a possibility, yes I can probably do the courses easier, and quicker than most. I do qualify for aid. I only probably need 30 hours to finish. Bringing to mind the previous experiences of many things that I did fantastically, self-taught at, was winning, till I tried to fit in. I took the lessons, clinics and classes prescribed. Always with this new, uncomfortable sense of struggle, trying so hard to get it right, not paying attention to the sign’s from the Universe: That the ones putting on the classes and clinics kept trying to buy my horses,(my mind’s thinking then was “If they are interested, I can fix what’s wrong with them”). Though now looking back, my horses had the perfect form, the perfect style, it was just my not having faith in me. Contributed by my starting to only run 2nd’s or 3rd’s, I was not keying in to the fact I was consistently in the money. Instead I had bought into the fact that first was everything.
I feel myself on this teeter totter, just like back then. I loved my horses, I turned down blank checks for them. I taught so many how to love their animals first and remember they were the ones who were doing the actual riding. Then the winning came. Seemed the only piece I missed back then and am currently working through. Is I forgot to teach them to love themselves, love their dreams, respect their rights to choose when and where to compete. I type those words, and I just sit and stare at the screen. I love teaching, I love listening to another’s heartfelt need to be heard.

The tiny 5 year old who took the lesson today in the damp and cold, was so excited when she got here and was still allowed to ride even though it had rained. Saddling up was some confusion, the last two Sundays were rained out. She was cold, but resilient, trying to remember, laughing, so caught up in getting out there to ride. Finally saddled, warmed the horse up, got on. The first 10 minutes pure fun, just till the coldness caught up with her, her cheeks turning a glistening pink, as she started yawning. Her gloves, not allowing her to grip the reins real tight, she asks to walk, my knowing her real tiredness with that cue, she wishes to do everything slowly, just to revel in it a little longer. Ten more minutes and the yawning is coming more often, her little eyes are beginning to droop. We make it back to the dismount area, she turns the mare on her forehand to the left, then her haunches to the left. One step back and then forehand right, then haunches right. Stops her, backs her up, to slide off, tired, fumbling with the halter, but gamely taking the little mare back to help unsaddle her and put her up. A pat on the nose, hands the halter to her dad, making sure mom is scheduling for the her next lesson. To climb into the car, snuggling down for the warm ride home, figuring out how much more blue stuff she will need for her own horse she’s been saving for.
I love writing, I know all of this will turn out, because like her, I get excited when I know I am about to write, the gears grinding, my mind opening, the thoughts just tumbling out, my fingers flying back and forth to the rhythm of my heartfelt thoughts, dreams, aspirations and yearnings. I too get to yawning when I’m toward the end with the answer more honed, more understood…more real. As I imagine, pretend, visualize the next logical step.

What Just Screwing Around Might Cause…

First thought of the day after letting go and finding my inner kid. My brat, my favorite personality in creating, crafting, and making something for someone else. Seems yesterday’s last minute stop everything need to write to myself. Caused the most awesome relating back to me by several of you, in your comments I found before I retired last night. Allowing for all the silliness that found me in my dreams, much of that from incidents in my past. Which last night showed up in my dreams to inspire, okay, remind me of the goofy, screwball I turn into, the minute I truly “know” what someone desires, needs or truly longs for, to then only talk themselves out of.

I always, always, always, “Use to” have fun with it! My mom loved cut flowers, but could not stand for someone to spend money on something dead. My solutions: One year I sent her a dozen roses, all with ribbons and balloons which she had to go down to the front desk to receive, then carry all the way through the complex she worked in back to the top floor… the fun was in they were chocolate chip cookies (her total weakness and favorite) made into rose buds and flowers. Another year we use to own a vineyard, where I learned in the treatment of the vines for many molds, diseases and bugs. Roses can be utilized in they attracted all the same things, but being lower to the ground would show symptoms first, indicating the time to treat the vineyard without a calendar for reminders. My solution, check with the local rose expert as to what would grow in our soil, get the rest of my sisters to chip in, 24 rose bushes later, planted on alternate rows at opposite ends of the vineyard, which allowed the rose buds to be cut and trimmed for the health, growth and benefit of the plant. All but one of the rose bushes, were direct sunlight lovers. I had also checked for the specifics of a black opened to luscious red, long stemmed beauty which needed constant shade to thrive and survive, it fit perfectly on the end. Where next to first row of vines stood a gigantic oak which shaded the entrance. My mother got the joy and beauty of all those colorful cut blossoms yearlong up until she died, filling the bowls in all the rooms in her house. I got to have my fun, screwing around in my mind, until I could hatch the perfect scheme, plan, idea for her to have both, roses and practicality, all in my having fun, loving life, and truly caring about the complete outcomes.

So as I am driving this morning, I think about my riding, a whole week off, just handling them, ground work, brushing, grooming. No desire to ride, kind of deep in thought, only fully working the one outside horse who is due to leave next week. Nothing inside of me wants to play with them as far as riding is concerned, just want to be, breathing, noticing, thinking, and finally feeling for what’s next. All I get is allow, it’s okay, it’s not time yet, just be with them. So I do, I write, I watch, I am. Then bingo, right after I post my second post of the day yesterday, the fairies of the universe email the video I post about the awesome winning ride of Stacy Westfall. My heart starts pumping, my mind wakes up, every part of me breathes in the excitement, and the dream comes pulsing to the forefront. I am alive, I am excited, I am intensely awake, I know what it is I am headed toward.

The dream; to run, as fast as we can go as a team, a combination of speed, agility, timing and grace that spills into the arena in an awakening spark of interest in others. Because of the passion, the love, the aplomb, and the connection I had discovered long ago, just kept waiting on the support of another, which I finally found in the last 29 days of all of this writing, sharing, and caring of and about myself… I now give myself all of my support to be me, love whatever it is I am about, and have fun with it because having fun is what life is supposed to be about!

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