Category Archives: experience

Is it time…

down-tiggerI have spent the last few mornings opening and perusing my many uplifting emails from others. Always easily deleting the off-key nonessential ones that always contribute to my ability to choose what I allow into my mind. For me to find myself opening an email from another like to my blog which has been lying dormant, as the new seeds of certainty slowly spring to life. Opening up the husk of long held close reverence to the confidence that I have been fanning from a tiny old spark, to this consistent rising flame of life!

Life from beneath the ashes where I once quelled, lying shaken and afraid from my allowing a well-known critic (in my circle) to slash my last book attempt to fragments for “My Way” of connecting to others from my learnings with people and their horses. Allowing another’s power of “their” opinion to have any say whether I was good, or not…

So I retreated…

Deep inside to the murky waters of doubt that seemed to be so warm, safe, comforting…

Only to discover they were only concealing the truth of how truly powerful and awesome I was to those who needed and understood the view “I” was coming from. They are the ones whom I write and share for. There are many who might critique, complain and condemn my ways… But they are not of importance to me, except for how they remind me to look forward at my ability. Never back to the old ruts of OPO (other people’s opinion) that use to be the trap I so easily fell into.

This morning’s email being the third time this week that I have received thanks and likes about blogs that I had previously written months and years ago. Before I finally was caught in the deep old waters of fear that so easily encourage me back to their depths for the false safety of doing without movement forward, just resting in the their dark, murky depths…

No…  I choose to rise!

Just this last week I went from just riding, interacting, and socializing fully with my horses, especially “Charlie” and my students. I am fully embracing, loving all of life again with biking 2 miles and walking 1 mile every day. Now finding myself, feeling amazingly alive because I choose to believe in myself, in my ability and right to do things my way in everything I do. Knowing and trusting those who need what and how I write, will find this to be blessed, encouraged or just amused at how easy it is to just “breathe”, take “baby steps” and the world will support you being fully true to Yourself! It is always Time!

 

 

 

 

Forty Five Days And Figured This Out…

This morning there was a change about 2:30 am. It woke me up, as something called me, told me today I would know. I rolled over checked the clock, hmmm. Went to the bathroom, got a drink and went back to sleep. To be awakened by my third alarm, which meant I was 10 minutes behind. Okay do I knock on the wall? Nope, I got up, took my shower, got dressed, makeup on, outside to feed the cat and start the truck. Making it a point to say loudly in to his room “I have boots to put on, my coffee to make and I’m gone, for I am running behind”. I hear, scrambling, grabbing for things, conscious of my lateness as I put on my shoes. He brushes past “Have you seen my shoes?” “Nope” I reply as I now fix my coffee, sugar, little cocoa and the last of the milk. Head for the door, he is nowhere in sight, I decide I will follow through with him being responsible, saying nothing as I open the door…wonders of wonders! He is sitting in the seat, putting his shoes on, pretty sure I would have driven off without him, a slight, well deserved smirk on his face.

Get to work, he tending to his responsibilities, I get clocked in, my keys and start my bus. All systems operating, head to my first stop. We sit, 3 min, hmmm, no lights, 1 minute to go, the lights come on, the mom runs out hollering after I do my required horn honk. She’s mad, frustrated, everybody’s over slept, and yells “he’s coming!” I think of the Abe about a pillow fight where the one being hit just lets the pillow fall to the ground, no fight. I just grin at her and say “just one more morning, then the holidays!” I see her body relax, she grins and waves us on as he gets situated. The next two are waiting on us, we’re behind, so they quickly get on and off we head. My mind relaxed, comfortable, watching the weather, expecting sunshine for my 3 hour lesson away from the place, and in anticipation for what’s going to happen today. Knowing something is up, messages that feel good in the middle of the night always are awesome.

Drop off the kids, driving in and out of some slight mist. Periodically checking the sky where it is still clearing and brighter back toward my first lesson’s little town. Feel light, thinking, wondering what I will have to write about. Check the bus back in, my youngest got himself up and off to school by himself from the bus barn. So I get in my truck, check for fuel, head home, watching the sky where I can see some blue intermixed with the low gray clouds. Get home, feed, hay, and as I am making my evening rations I call my client, just 30 miles away to see if the weather has been as good for her as I have been experiencing.

“No” she says, “it has been drizzly, muddy, and miserable over there. What do you do to keep having things so nice at your place?” She queries, I just grin thinking even though the lesson has been re-scheduled something awesome is about to happen. So I go inside, check emails, wondering about my final blog, and decide to just lazily play a game or two, allow my mind to just be, as I open a game and notice the choice of types of players. I have beaten this game several times, so I switch the selector to pro, curious as to what the difference is. As I complete the first few levels easily, can’t find anything that indicates change, till I am doing a move I know well for this level and the time runs out. I re-start, same thing, so I look as I am playing at each level to suddenly be aware of how little time I have left on the levels I complete. My mind now aware of less time, equates faster play. I up my tempo, reminding myself as I count “one move at a time”. Getting through 24 levels before the pressure gets to me, enough for me to quit and change to solitaire. Where I can just relax and play.

After winning the first type, I decide I can do wash and play at the same time. Load the washer, pick out the next kind of solitaire and several thoughts hit me at the same time. So I write both words down (expert and speed) and continue to play. As I get into the rhythm I can feel the sun shining through the window, as my subconscious begins to fill in the details of the 45 days of this challenge to have fun. Suddenly the message is loud and clear. All of these pieces, just melding into place. I have learned to be in the past, an expert at many things…according to others ideas of what it was I was doing, if it fit their pre-conceived notion of a pro at that task. The guidelines usually the most accurate at a given task, in an amazing, and proficient amount of time, and the final product was better than theirs. I have been extremely fast, extremely accurate, extremely agile, extremely patient…jumping through most every hoop put out there in front of me.

Realizing, today, I have been perfect at everything for everyone else. Making the world happy, eager for more, and applauding my ability to conform, and failing, sometimes miserably, at the most important task I was put here for…Being ME, loving ME, making ME HAPPY! Somewhere right after the first competition I ever competed and won in at the first arena I went to after moving back home, where I grew up. First place in 5 of the 7 events and only placing 2nd in two of them, because I literally learned those two events watching the contestants in front of me. I had all these people congratulating me, trying to buy my horse, full of all these suggestions on how I could become better, faster… I not even truly noticing I had just won by beating one of the top contenders in the area, just running my way, my style and being me.
This challenge has changed my view of me, my ideals about so many things, and opened my eyes to what I have been doing to myself. How far away from my own hearts desires, I had drifted, then paddled, bought and then placed everyone else’s beliefs, ways, gimmicks, and goals for me in front of my own.

Thank goodness, little inner me, kept whispering in my ear, kept aggravating my body, kept helping me to walk into walls, just so that I could finally turn myself back around to see me, all of me, right there waiting to support and love me back. Thank all of you for your support and encouragement! I so love me, you all, and life! And hope to be blessed by all of you joining and continuing moving forward in the continuing days ahead in other challenges!

Teeter, Tottering Finding "My" Balance

I have been on a journey this weekend, in love with writing as a way to communicate with myself. I have discovered the massive benefit of it, after I finish writing whatever has been flowing out of me on to the page in front of me. When I stop to read it back, I am usually overjoyed, amazed, and many times relieved in the answer that now is there for me to see, comprehend and realize. Sometimes in the words I use to express what I feel in my viewing of scenes around me which really stick in my mind. As long stories, wonderful expressive words, which hone in on the texture, sight, taste and even the sounds that I hear, intending as the thoughts and ideas come, how it will be on the page. To then discover when I actually get to the writing part, and entirely different language or combination of scenes begin to unfold. I have discovered this happens because there is always something going on in my mind that I am expecting to figure out, or resolved on some current situation in my life.
These discoveries are like my ability to create or edit my life, in a fashion that will bring me something better than before. I know that I am always creating, we all are. In some form or fashion, in the moment we decide we want something different. Like today for supper, I started a pot of beans, to go with a new chili recipe I had found. Knew I had a package of cornbread, so there would be something really warm and rib sticking for when my youngest came in from his first full day as a cement helper in the cold with his older brother. I get the onions, garlic, and pepper diced. Put the beans on for quick soak method. Then got the cornbread out, poured it in the bowl when a bell went off in my head to check for eggs. Nope, none and not wanting to drive in the damp, muddy, cold this late in the day, called my oldest and asked if on his return trip with his brother to bring me one. But, even though he said yes, I knew he was busy, he might forget. So I started to feel around in my mind, for a better easier combo. Hit on the idea of rice, which would then make it still combinable with the chili and beans in a bowl, nourshingly hot, without having to wait on making the cornbread till after they got back here.
My mind running back through today, all low key, thinking, thoughts, which were supplied from my huge outpouring yesterday, and the last few weeks of allowing myself to write, express myself, and my ideas of the connectedness of all of the events, items, critters and people in my life. The feedback I have received, a whole lot of great ones, and a couple of ones that caused me to re-consider “what was I thinking?” So yesterday and part of today, I went so far as to actually go on line and check on going the prescribed route. Called a few friends, discussed going back to college for a degree. Checked out all of the financial arrangements, and took the test available for” if I fit the ideal” for someone to go to school. All the while it rained yesterday afternoon. A long, really, really, slow, drizzly, bone chilling wet, almost misty rain. Which started at two and continued till six, causing my two lessons to call and cancel, they didn’t want to make anyone stand out in it.
So I did an internal check on my feelings about all of this writing. I love the way I feel when I get started, there seems to be almost an internal force that directs my fingers. Which as long as I just allow it, not really thinking, the words just flow on to the screen. Should I start thinking about what someone else might think, my fingers literally start tripping all over themselves, trying to stay out of the way of offending another’s taste. Kind of like the college discussions, yes they are a possibility, yes I can probably do the courses easier, and quicker than most. I do qualify for aid. I only probably need 30 hours to finish. Bringing to mind the previous experiences of many things that I did fantastically, self-taught at, was winning, till I tried to fit in. I took the lessons, clinics and classes prescribed. Always with this new, uncomfortable sense of struggle, trying so hard to get it right, not paying attention to the sign’s from the Universe: That the ones putting on the classes and clinics kept trying to buy my horses,(my mind’s thinking then was “If they are interested, I can fix what’s wrong with them”). Though now looking back, my horses had the perfect form, the perfect style, it was just my not having faith in me. Contributed by my starting to only run 2nd’s or 3rd’s, I was not keying in to the fact I was consistently in the money. Instead I had bought into the fact that first was everything.
I feel myself on this teeter totter, just like back then. I loved my horses, I turned down blank checks for them. I taught so many how to love their animals first and remember they were the ones who were doing the actual riding. Then the winning came. Seemed the only piece I missed back then and am currently working through. Is I forgot to teach them to love themselves, love their dreams, respect their rights to choose when and where to compete. I type those words, and I just sit and stare at the screen. I love teaching, I love listening to another’s heartfelt need to be heard.

The tiny 5 year old who took the lesson today in the damp and cold, was so excited when she got here and was still allowed to ride even though it had rained. Saddling up was some confusion, the last two Sundays were rained out. She was cold, but resilient, trying to remember, laughing, so caught up in getting out there to ride. Finally saddled, warmed the horse up, got on. The first 10 minutes pure fun, just till the coldness caught up with her, her cheeks turning a glistening pink, as she started yawning. Her gloves, not allowing her to grip the reins real tight, she asks to walk, my knowing her real tiredness with that cue, she wishes to do everything slowly, just to revel in it a little longer. Ten more minutes and the yawning is coming more often, her little eyes are beginning to droop. We make it back to the dismount area, she turns the mare on her forehand to the left, then her haunches to the left. One step back and then forehand right, then haunches right. Stops her, backs her up, to slide off, tired, fumbling with the halter, but gamely taking the little mare back to help unsaddle her and put her up. A pat on the nose, hands the halter to her dad, making sure mom is scheduling for the her next lesson. To climb into the car, snuggling down for the warm ride home, figuring out how much more blue stuff she will need for her own horse she’s been saving for.
I love writing, I know all of this will turn out, because like her, I get excited when I know I am about to write, the gears grinding, my mind opening, the thoughts just tumbling out, my fingers flying back and forth to the rhythm of my heartfelt thoughts, dreams, aspirations and yearnings. I too get to yawning when I’m toward the end with the answer more honed, more understood…more real. As I imagine, pretend, visualize the next logical step.

Learning to Thrive

“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." - Carl Jung

cocinaitaly

comida italiana

simplisticInsights

Simple made easy! psychology love feeling emotion thought behaviour success strategy

J. Ricci Energy

From where you are now, to where you want to be

Love. Life.

It's simple, yet powerful.

Eddie Two Hawks

Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished

Pam Grout

#1 New York Times best-selling author

The Creator Writings

transcribed by Jennifer Farley, ThetaHealing Instructor/Practitioner

Source of Inspiration

All is One, co-creating with the Creator

Seven Spheres

Aqua Terra Ignis et Aer

bhardwazbhardwaz

Knowledge and Happiness(K&H) multiples by dividing it. More you share, higher and bigger they grow.

Russel Ray Photos

Life from Southern California, mostly San Diego County

HeartSphere

Conversations with the Heartmind

Simple Pleasures

Visual Poetry, Photography and Quotes

writeshianwrite

The thoughts in my head.

Cat's Place About Horses and Heart

Observations Of My Horse Handling World