Category Archives: experience
The last few years I have sparsely written, as I had chosen the path of true self-discovery. Much like the weaver of a blanket who discovers in their almost completed project a couple of twisted out of place threads, which could have been just snipped, untwisted and replaced. Yet who knew instead there was much more to be gained in going back, completely undoing the months and years of work, to slowly… with new found awareness, patience and complete love of self to a place of truly knowing who I am worth to choose to rework the entire weave.
The last couple of years here in this small Texas town that has weathered the destruction and reconstruction (for me such a perfect outward expression of my inner journey) a tornado, straight line winds, massive rainfall, and just recently the edge of a hurricane, the eye passing within thirty miles to the east of here.
My oldest son changing jobs, buying his own place and settling into his current phase of life, whilst my youngest graduated, worked a series of fast food jobs, before finally finding work he truly, currently, enjoys. Including his moving out in the last few weeks as part of the series of learning the value of being on his own, which amazingly accompanied my own realization of how much of my life had been programed to taking care of others first.
In reweaving my life’s blanket, the threads I have gone within to find were all of the beliefs given to me by well-meaning others, the media, society, any and everything else that has attempted to tell me who I am so that I fit their idea of me.
I had just about found my way back to the first third of my life’s blanket the month after my youngest graduated last year, when I discovered this strange lack of activity in my routine. In puzzling over the difference as I continued with my “normal” routine, when the awareness of what the something missing was finally found me. For the first time in 24 years I did not have to “run” to school, the store, and the office to report, fix, repair, replace or return anything in assisting my boys in getting through school to be the somebody’s society expected.
I found myself bathed in the uncertainty of who was I really? I had this enormous list of things I was doing to fit into being “who I thought I was supposed to be”. Followed by slowly, carefully, daily, unthreading, unwinding, and sorting through the colors of beliefs, ideas and suggestions that I had learned to believe were supposed to be me. Thus utilizing yoga, exercise, diet, reading, and listening to a variety of authors as I allowed myself to actually discover, be content, and happy, by doing whatever I truly desired.
It took this last year with lots of alone time with the horses, the cats, the dog, myself, this place with its amazing views and the assortment of clients for me to see the reflection of who I had been, who I could be, who I was… always vividly portrayed by the situations I would see in front of me.
I have learned what the horses have shown, taught and instilled in me, as my truth. Everything is a result of what I am vibrating, feeling, being and expecting. There are no exceptions. It took almost stripping myself bare, learning to listen to every single thought, really feeling every feeling, awareness to every word I spoke aloud to finally realize I had created my entire life, no exceptions! If I truly desired change, I would have to be as aware in my moment to moment activities of my mind, body and beliefs, as I am when I am fully aware in handling and working with anything new.
There are no idle thoughts or feelings. Animals are gifted that way. They feel their way by living fully in each moment. There is no worry about tomorrow, or yesterday. Only this moment exist.
All of my old habits of thoughts as to what another thinks is okay or right… have been the walls of the prison I held myself in by thinking that I have to be some particular way to have a life, much less my life.
I am in such an amazing place of awareness and appreciation for everything I have ever done. I KNOW I can say no and not give a rip about anyone else. Because I truly am the only one who creates in my reality. I am really for the first time in forever knowing and loving who I am, what It is I desire, and who I comfortably, completely, thoroughly enjoy being and becoming more of. I am in love and at home with myself.
I have spent the last few mornings opening and perusing my many uplifting emails from others. Always easily deleting the off-key nonessential ones that always contribute to my ability to choose what I allow into my mind. For me to find myself opening an email from another like to my blog which has been lying dormant, as the new seeds of certainty slowly spring to life. Opening up the husk of long held close reverence to the confidence that I have been fanning from a tiny old spark, to this consistent rising flame of life!
Life from beneath the ashes where I once quelled, lying shaken and afraid from my allowing a well-known critic (in my circle) to slash my last book attempt to fragments for “My Way” of connecting to others from my learnings with people and their horses. Allowing another’s power of “their” opinion to have any say whether I was good, or not…
So I retreated…
Deep inside to the murky waters of doubt that seemed to be so warm, safe, comforting…
Only to discover they were only concealing the truth of how truly powerful and awesome I was to those who needed and understood the view “I” was coming from. They are the ones whom I write and share for. There are many who might critique, complain and condemn my ways… But they are not of importance to me, except for how they remind me to look forward at my ability. Never back to the old ruts of OPO (other people’s opinion) that use to be the trap I so easily fell into.
This morning’s email being the third time this week that I have received thanks and likes about blogs that I had previously written months and years ago. Before I finally was caught in the deep old waters of fear that so easily encourage me back to their depths for the false safety of doing without movement forward, just resting in the their dark, murky depths…
No… I choose to rise!
Just this last week I went from just riding, interacting, and socializing fully with my horses, especially “Charlie” and my students. I am fully embracing, loving all of life again with biking 2 miles and walking 1 mile every day. Now finding myself, feeling amazingly alive because I choose to believe in myself, in my ability and right to do things my way in everything I do. Knowing and trusting those who need what and how I write, will find this to be blessed, encouraged or just amused at how easy it is to just “breathe”, take “baby steps” and the world will support you being fully true to Yourself! It is always Time!
This challenge has changed my view of me, my ideals about so many things, and opened my eyes to what I have been doing to myself. How far away from my own hearts desires, I had drifted, then paddled, bought and then placed everyone else’s beliefs, ways, gimmicks, and goals for me in front of my own.
These discoveries are like my ability to create or edit my life, in a fashion that will bring me something better than before. I know that I am always creating, we all are. In some form or fashion, in the moment we decide we want something different. Like today for supper, I started a pot of beans, to go with a new chili recipe I had found. Knew I had a package of cornbread, so there would be something really warm and rib sticking for when my youngest came in from his first full day as a cement helper in the cold with his older brother. I get the onions, garlic, and pepper diced. Put the beans on for quick soak method. Then got the cornbread out, poured it in the bowl when a bell went off in my head to check for eggs. Nope, none and not wanting to drive in the damp, muddy, cold this late in the day, called my oldest and asked if on his return trip with his brother to bring me one. But, even though he said yes, I knew he was busy, he might forget. So I started to feel around in my mind, for a better easier combo. Hit on the idea of rice, which would then make it still combinable with the chili and beans in a bowl, nourshingly hot, without having to wait on making the cornbread till after they got back here.
My mind running back through today, all low key, thinking, thoughts, which were supplied from my huge outpouring yesterday, and the last few weeks of allowing myself to write, express myself, and my ideas of the connectedness of all of the events, items, critters and people in my life. The feedback I have received, a whole lot of great ones, and a couple of ones that caused me to re-consider “what was I thinking?” So yesterday and part of today, I went so far as to actually go on line and check on going the prescribed route. Called a few friends, discussed going back to college for a degree. Checked out all of the financial arrangements, and took the test available for” if I fit the ideal” for someone to go to school. All the while it rained yesterday afternoon. A long, really, really, slow, drizzly, bone chilling wet, almost misty rain. Which started at two and continued till six, causing my two lessons to call and cancel, they didn’t want to make anyone stand out in it.
So I did an internal check on my feelings about all of this writing. I love the way I feel when I get started, there seems to be almost an internal force that directs my fingers. Which as long as I just allow it, not really thinking, the words just flow on to the screen. Should I start thinking about what someone else might think, my fingers literally start tripping all over themselves, trying to stay out of the way of offending another’s taste. Kind of like the college discussions, yes they are a possibility, yes I can probably do the courses easier, and quicker than most. I do qualify for aid. I only probably need 30 hours to finish. Bringing to mind the previous experiences of many things that I did fantastically, self-taught at, was winning, till I tried to fit in. I took the lessons, clinics and classes prescribed. Always with this new, uncomfortable sense of struggle, trying so hard to get it right, not paying attention to the sign’s from the Universe: That the ones putting on the classes and clinics kept trying to buy my horses,(my mind’s thinking then was “If they are interested, I can fix what’s wrong with them”). Though now looking back, my horses had the perfect form, the perfect style, it was just my not having faith in me. Contributed by my starting to only run 2nd’s or 3rd’s, I was not keying in to the fact I was consistently in the money. Instead I had bought into the fact that first was everything.
I feel myself on this teeter totter, just like back then. I loved my horses, I turned down blank checks for them. I taught so many how to love their animals first and remember they were the ones who were doing the actual riding. Then the winning came. Seemed the only piece I missed back then and am currently working through. Is I forgot to teach them to love themselves, love their dreams, respect their rights to choose when and where to compete. I type those words, and I just sit and stare at the screen. I love teaching, I love listening to another’s heartfelt need to be heard.
The tiny 5 year old who took the lesson today in the damp and cold, was so excited when she got here and was still allowed to ride even though it had rained. Saddling up was some confusion, the last two Sundays were rained out. She was cold, but resilient, trying to remember, laughing, so caught up in getting out there to ride. Finally saddled, warmed the horse up, got on. The first 10 minutes pure fun, just till the coldness caught up with her, her cheeks turning a glistening pink, as she started yawning. Her gloves, not allowing her to grip the reins real tight, she asks to walk, my knowing her real tiredness with that cue, she wishes to do everything slowly, just to revel in it a little longer. Ten more minutes and the yawning is coming more often, her little eyes are beginning to droop. We make it back to the dismount area, she turns the mare on her forehand to the left, then her haunches to the left. One step back and then forehand right, then haunches right. Stops her, backs her up, to slide off, tired, fumbling with the halter, but gamely taking the little mare back to help unsaddle her and put her up. A pat on the nose, hands the halter to her dad, making sure mom is scheduling for the her next lesson. To climb into the car, snuggling down for the warm ride home, figuring out how much more blue stuff she will need for her own horse she’s been saving for.
I love writing, I know all of this will turn out, because like her, I get excited when I know I am about to write, the gears grinding, my mind opening, the thoughts just tumbling out, my fingers flying back and forth to the rhythm of my heartfelt thoughts, dreams, aspirations and yearnings. I too get to yawning when I’m toward the end with the answer more honed, more understood…more real. As I imagine, pretend, visualize the next logical step.