Category Archives: Feeling

The Possibilities Await…

By being fully in the moment. One is connected to “All of Life’s” possibilities. To focus on something for a moment is to be aware of it. Acknowledging its place in the scheme of the moment, just not attached to it.infinite

When something so catches one’s attention to narrow the focus into more than just a passing glance, it causes a change in fluidity of the moment. With such continued focusing length determined by how easily it is to classify/fit the now observed point into the moment for the intended desire.

Pinpoint focus is the decision something is so absolute clear, perfectly aligned with all of the intentions…

Or acutely different, out of place, feeling off, confusing, and necessary to understand. The discomfort causing this need to then become a building frenzy of brain activity.

If the cycle is not interrupted as the frenzy escalates, the body goes into an acute stress response utilizing the fight, flight, feed, freeze or faint survival modes.

In my awareness of learning to be present and watching those who are studying for a specific outcome. I now realize my lifelong ability to learn by osmosis, is because I would recognize a need/desire, and “allow” myself to be led by staying present for an answer. Causing my expansion of the ability or outcome to reveal itself to me to do or be an instinctual, confident, comfortable response.

Many students are focused on the “specific outcome they expect to change”. Working so diligently toward the “one thing that if it were different” would quantify their proof of having the perfect solution. Stuck with a specific picture of the intended outcome, “if it were better I would be a success”. Instead of reaching for the desired success which “feels amazing to have accomplished.”

Many of the major discoveries were accidents noticed on the path to something entirely different. Example such as the microwave, pacemaker, post-it-notes, penicillin, and Viagra. Interestingly many of these discoveries actual came about from the feeling of success the discoverer kept reaching for… Accidental success.

The Wright brothers were open to any and everything because their focus was on actual the feeling of flying… not what they were flying in. They lived the feeling of intention successfully flying and they flew… Deliberate success. It’s always a choice!

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Hello!!! What is this???

first responderAfter all this practicing of learning to meditate and focus… and doing an incredible job of it. “Except…”

My inner being feels much louder now that I have found the way to quiet so much of the old programs from others which use to have control over most of my attention.  The false old belief that fitting in was important. Making others happy by saving those in pain, despair, woe or whatever other drama they brought to the forefront of my attention to their neediness was the solution to being or having it all.

The voice spoke again, just a whisper as it knew I was listening…

You did so well last night, the pain that woke you about four this morning. You got up, took something for it, rearranged the bed, even turned the heating pad on low, to go back to sleep and wake up feeling fine.

Then the phone message ding… Need ride! Son hurriedly texted after checking to see if you were awake. Both of those texts you just answered. There was no focus. No thought as you read what was texted to sense inside for your feelings, then think and feel for the best answer for you.

First responder habit still has dibs on you!rescuer

No excuses seemed even a little bit plausible, as I felt the beginning of discomfort in my head. Then I grinned. The very discomfort I was feeling, was also the key to me allowing my inner self access to my attention again… from when moments before I told myself I was “having” to finish playing all of the players shown waiting in the queue, then I could go blog about what I’d discovered was true for me with the judging, focus, and looking away outside to others habit, taught in manifesting living the “perfect life”.

Softly the voice went on… Meditation was learned to quiet your mind. Focus was to learn how to hone in on “one” thing at a time. Awareness was to learn thoughts and feelings are partners in creating anything. All of these can create the most simple or complex creations when they work together.

Allowing was to learn and realize that judgment divides. In giving up deciding right from wrong, the focus is no longer outside of you. Everything is just choices to choose to continue to look at and create more of, or let go of to allow new thoughts to experience in.

The conversation with your son went better. You allowed him the choice of ranting on about all the things impossible about his transportation situation. Faced it straight on and gave him two choices that worked perfectly for you. Both required him to step up and figure out the best answer for him, from inside himself. No band aids, no hand outs, no exceptions. It’s his life.

It took for you to starting to feel physically off, stopping all of the excuses of your own “outside attention others first awareness” to feel for what you, all of your body needed. You slowed down, turned off the game without finishing it. Closed the browser, just sat with yourself, to focus on what would feel best… right now. Got quiet. Waited… to see the bottle of medicine in your mind, the amount to take with water. Then after taking care of yourself. Sat down and allowed the words to flow…

Damn… and now not only do you feel better… you finished a blog. Good Job!!!

I love this new way of tuning in to me, listening to what I am telling myself. Actually hearing all of the crazy, justifying statements that were almost silent roadblocks in any of my own movement forward. Loving when I’m in a focused state, fully invested in the experience and aligned with what is going on in the present moment. I am not worried about the outcome or any means to an end. I am learning how to be present and move with intention in caring about all of Me! Congratulating, praising and honoring all of this which is coming from within me, to me, for me. It’s so powerfully changing, honing and improving every aspect of my life.

Defend, Think, Breathe…

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All these thoughts drifting through my mind as I come in to alignment with my body on how I can comfortably live my life with it… is so not what I expected or was taught. I am discovering every day more and more habits that I do at an extreme price to my physical body now that it has had enough and has my full attention as I intuit why and what is right for me.  Fascination holding the key when I rolled over in waking up this morning to absolutely no pain anywhere.

I then did the typical feel, move, stretch, and search for any signs of discomfort  “before” I went to thanking my entire being for getting into agreement over how I can change pain by myself when I listen and trust the information that fleets across my mind, each time lingering longer as I begin to believe I am allowed to know what is best for me.

I am in total appreciation over the ease of simply being aware of the sensations in so many of my muscles just by when I am smiling, and the unique difference especially in my neck when I habitually choose any other facial expression. I was in awe of the sudden memory of the hall of our old house where my mother framed all of us girls pictures from K-12 and how I stopped smiling at about the fourth grade, the same time I realized working, equaled dollars. Creating things, yard work, leather craft, anything for a few dollars spending money always with this personal inspections from family others about how “right” or “good” it was.

The tons and tons of do overs, you missed a spot and the worst of all “you didn’t make that” until the entire piece was examined and the eventual flaw was found to satisfy the examiner. The whole time I felt  I had to defend my work, try harder, do more to be paid and then was told how, where and what I was to do with the money earned.

This morning brought it even more to my attention as I took the time with each horse and became conscious of the seriousness I have extended to so many of the things I truly love doing. I now play the game of catching myself any time I am not smiling from this trained habit of defending myself for the right to do something my way. I have so well learned this amazing work ethic in all I do, even with each horse: grooming them till they sigh, discovering I have this natural (sheesh) grimace as I really get into grooming and stroking of each muscle.  Catching the difference when I am doing it by feel, breathing real deep with each stroke and to inhale the smell of the moment, my face relaxed until I go to looking at what I might have missed and could do better. This time I smiled, I breathed, aware “damn I am hard on me”.

I go on to groundwork with each animal, again aware of any tenseness in my neck, and danged if it doesn’t match the moment my thoughts try to jump even 5 minutes ahead of what I am doing. So I grin, relax, leave the phone on the table and flip my watch over. The horses are different, easier, all of the steps asked for are met with this wonderful sense of ease and timing as I start off down the road for a half mile ride.

Trot, walk, trot, extend the stride, change hips, feel each back soften and move with me, oops the thought of one more horse to go. I feel the tug at my neck, I breathe, grin and let the thought go at the same time aware of the release in my shoulders, followed by a softer feel from my horse through the reins, a wonderful, light, supple connection.

Wow, I have been holding the world ransom from this habitual fear of having to defend my right to just play with, train, much less even own horses. The craziness I have bought into over the hundreds of times I let some other ask me how much I make, how can I afford to do what I do, much less the thousands of others who try to tell me how, when, where, and why none of this can or will work. I bought into their opinions, their ideas, their thoughts, their reasoning’s… to let all of that dictate my life. Defending and working so very hard to prove all of this stuff outside of me “matters” more than this passion that burns inside and brings me joy.

I smiled, breathed, allowed the tension and time to let go. I just connected, rode, danced, moved fast, then slow, had fun, and played being me. I don’t owe anyone or anything except my own body, mind, and spirit perfect alignment where WE ALWAYS LIVE TOGETHER IN EACH AND EVERY MOMENT OF NOW!!

To Tell A New Story

Today started different than I expected or intended. Got up, got critters fed, had the few things I had been thinking about in buying feed, right themselves even before I purchased my first sack. Amused at this coincident, headed for fuel, breakfast and groceries which played out almost to the minute how I intended, time, financially, taste and expectations of service. Still playing with keeping my awareness of what it is I started to imagine on a feeling of “really, like this?” and if it felt right kept that image. If any of it felt like “hmm no this is better!” I would change the thought and then I would get that expected desire “pretty close or exactly” in response.
I get home, we unload feed, my client came to watch me work her horse, ask questions, learn, pick my brain as I play with her horse, asking for softer response each moment, knowing he is feeling my sense of love, fun, and ease at improving the connection between him and me. Then sharing what I am doing with his owner till she understands enough that I can see the physical difference in both her tone and her stance. Ending the session with him softer, more fluid, flexible, tired, but proud of himself for understanding me. His owner commenting on what an incredibly interesting life I have, because interspaced through the entire session, my son wanders through with momentous requests, which I field with looks, body language and temperance. Just like my horses and he gets what he asks for, after he too finds the place of accomplishing what is needed to get the reward he seeks. The owner sees and marvels how all of this stuff ties together, and she schedules her next session.
I get out the appaloosa that belongs to my youngest, today’s session is much like my session with him, he pushes, tries to turn away and act like I am not referring to him, as I stand there and wait until he releases the pressure. No reaction from me when he fiddles, pulls harder, turns his nose up, or wiggles his lip, nothing but patience till he shifts his foot and finally tips his nose, releasing all tension in the rope, to look at me. The look means “is this really all that you want” I grin, we move on to riding, today is much like the pleasure it is becoming in dealing with his owner.
I move to the new horse, she is stiff, braced, looking everywhere, but at me. All the expectations of dealing with her past and what others have done… to “make her ride able”, her eyes are brown, glassy, the whites showing. All the signs of expecting the worse, all tight, tense, ready to push or run over me before I do that or more to her. I start with a brush, a long stroke down the entire length of her body on both sides, then start working of detangling her mane, then the massive tangle in her long, thick to the ground tail. For a solid hour, I detangle both the mess in her tail and the tenseness in her body, as with about every fourth or fifth stroke, I ask her to take a step right, couple more strokes, now step left. The continuous movement of the brushing, breathing, small steps here and there are rhythmic, soothing, almost mesmerizing in there simplicity. They even allow for her couple of times of blowing up, jumping all over the place wild eyed, staring at me, expecting retribution… I just keep slow, quiet, firm and moving her, the brush, me, her tail till I hear this big sigh, and about the same time the final knot comes out of her tail.
I change to the next task, continuing moving her through each situation of asking for her feet, asking her to step forward, to walk over the ground poles, to accept the blankets, to accept the saddle, to allow me to step up in the stirrup, to get on and finally to get her to take willing small uncertain steps around the pen. Each time it is the same slow ask, wait, response, breathe, ask, wait, response, till the right response is found. Slowly her body starts to soften, slower still her head begins to lower, finally I begin to get a softness in her eye. The eye which has changed from hard, glassy, walleyed, to soft, big brown, liquid eyes of relief… I spent four hours with this little mare to get her to go from a state of rigid, dire, “oh no’, to a softer, “what is all of this, not sure but it is definitely worth learning what’s next”.
I love playing with this life I live. I truly am blessed with what I have learned!

Crazy, Wet, Different Kind of Day

Woke up and it’s raining, what a perfect way to continue to rest and allow my whole self to take in the finding and releasing of such a huge, old, festering habit. So I fed, turned out horses and vegged. Not exactly sure that is a word…my computer even questioned it. But it fits today perfectly. I have accomplished little more than double checking the chores of my son, and been wonderfully pleased with the results.
Had invited him to go to the movies with me, he opted to stay home and borrow the computer. We agreed on the terms, which he was then checked on for an almost A+ performance. I in waiting for the okay he was done, several times got the message from the Universe… Slow down… really feel your way… really check to see what it is “you” want to do for you… check to really, really, feel who you are trying to please.
Several things crossed my mind, and then by double and triple checking I decided otherwise.

I gave him the okay, and headed off for the show driving in really slow, drizzly, damp, grey cold, mist. Paid for my ticket and then bought their movie night out packages for the upcoming Chinese Christmas with my family Monday. I went to see “We Bought A Zoo”, perfect story line and feelings for my current place in life. So glad I had opted for my jacket over the long sleeves and sweater after I got into the theatre because it was colder in there than out in the concession area. The pretzel was warm and filling, the cola helped the chill bumps. I was in this place of knowing something else is coming, almost here, any minute, but I am learning to enjoy the moment, and relax it will get here when it is supposed to.
Stop by a tea for later, a few scratch offs and an actual lottery ticket. Get home, we both just scrounge for something to snack on. I heat mine up, he goes to feed, then heats up his, we find a movie to watch. My phone goes off with a text message, and freezes… hmmm, then his refuses to hold a charge, and the sound on the movie from online quits. I do a quick survey of phones to think about, consider, kind of sleep on the idea of them. Do a quick email to all current owners and students of the temporary other number to use. Figure this day off thing is definitely an all day, no communication with others, as I continue to re-write my life and desires to make sure they are truly “all” about “my” dreams and goals from my heart! The school, arena, barns, writing, and teaching individually tailored to how another thinks, ingest, understands, and learns… It Is So About To Be My Total Reality!
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