Category Archives: Freedom
The last few years I have sparsely written, as I had chosen the path of true self-discovery. Much like the weaver of a blanket who discovers in their almost completed project a couple of twisted out of place threads, which could have been just snipped, untwisted and replaced. Yet who knew instead there was much more to be gained in going back, completely undoing the months and years of work, to slowly… with new found awareness, patience and complete love of self to a place of truly knowing who I am worth to choose to rework the entire weave.
The last couple of years here in this small Texas town that has weathered the destruction and reconstruction (for me such a perfect outward expression of my inner journey) a tornado, straight line winds, massive rainfall, and just recently the edge of a hurricane, the eye passing within thirty miles to the east of here.
My oldest son changing jobs, buying his own place and settling into his current phase of life, whilst my youngest graduated, worked a series of fast food jobs, before finally finding work he truly, currently, enjoys. Including his moving out in the last few weeks as part of the series of learning the value of being on his own, which amazingly accompanied my own realization of how much of my life had been programed to taking care of others first.
In reweaving my life’s blanket, the threads I have gone within to find were all of the beliefs given to me by well-meaning others, the media, society, any and everything else that has attempted to tell me who I am so that I fit their idea of me.
I had just about found my way back to the first third of my life’s blanket the month after my youngest graduated last year, when I discovered this strange lack of activity in my routine. In puzzling over the difference as I continued with my “normal” routine, when the awareness of what the something missing was finally found me. For the first time in 24 years I did not have to “run” to school, the store, and the office to report, fix, repair, replace or return anything in assisting my boys in getting through school to be the somebody’s society expected.
I found myself bathed in the uncertainty of who was I really? I had this enormous list of things I was doing to fit into being “who I thought I was supposed to be”. Followed by slowly, carefully, daily, unthreading, unwinding, and sorting through the colors of beliefs, ideas and suggestions that I had learned to believe were supposed to be me. Thus utilizing yoga, exercise, diet, reading, and listening to a variety of authors as I allowed myself to actually discover, be content, and happy, by doing whatever I truly desired.
It took this last year with lots of alone time with the horses, the cats, the dog, myself, this place with its amazing views and the assortment of clients for me to see the reflection of who I had been, who I could be, who I was… always vividly portrayed by the situations I would see in front of me.
I have learned what the horses have shown, taught and instilled in me, as my truth. Everything is a result of what I am vibrating, feeling, being and expecting. There are no exceptions. It took almost stripping myself bare, learning to listen to every single thought, really feeling every feeling, awareness to every word I spoke aloud to finally realize I had created my entire life, no exceptions! If I truly desired change, I would have to be as aware in my moment to moment activities of my mind, body and beliefs, as I am when I am fully aware in handling and working with anything new.
There are no idle thoughts or feelings. Animals are gifted that way. They feel their way by living fully in each moment. There is no worry about tomorrow, or yesterday. Only this moment exist.
All of my old habits of thoughts as to what another thinks is okay or right… have been the walls of the prison I held myself in by thinking that I have to be some particular way to have a life, much less my life.
I am in such an amazing place of awareness and appreciation for everything I have ever done. I KNOW I can say no and not give a rip about anyone else. Because I truly am the only one who creates in my reality. I am really for the first time in forever knowing and loving who I am, what It is I desire, and who I comfortably, completely, thoroughly enjoy being and becoming more of. I am in love and at home with myself.
She straightens up, becomes the best little handler. Is allowed to mount up, and we play the game of her in front, turning, spinning, trotting, walking, over, around, and through every maze and gate on the place. Finally tired, but smiling, says it’s time to stop, dismounts, changes bridle for halter, gets the horse unsaddled, brushed off and put in her pen. To quickly ask, then sneak to the hay barn for a snack for the little mare since she forgot to bring a treat. They schedule for next week, say their goodbyes, and I do the changing out of saddles and equipment for the new horse’s second day.
I walk in, she eyes me to see what energy I bring and as I close the gate, she presents her rear turns, then walks away. The game begins, I keep wiggling the rope, and she walks faster, I start slowly swinging the lead as she ups her pace. She tries to out stride me in her 20 by 20 pen until she realizes no matter how or where she goes I am right there keeping the pressure on moving her forward. Finally she turns her head at me, I stop, turn and walk away. She turns to face me, I stop, look over my shoulder, turn and step back. She comes toward me, I step back and extend my hand to wait. Within minutes of the game of she leaves, I drive, she stops and looks, I step back to draw her to me, to finally have her head down, licking and chewing to walk up to me to allow me to put the rope and halter one. We then proceed through all the checks on everything I walked her through yesterday, wonderfully the entire session goes from three hours mostly groundwork and a few minutes riding yesterday. To two hours total today, the last twenty minutes done in the saddle. The best part is the glassy eyed, oh no, only showed up twice today and only on her left side.
I take the rest of the horses turn them out, watch a movie, finally put on a side of ribs leaving some for my youngest who spent the day working for his brother to earn back the rest of the borrowed fees from yesterday. I am in charge of my life, I can feel the freedom calling me. I know there is this man who gets, appreciates and is at this same point in his life…headed here… I can see him walking in my driveway, grinning…long sigh!