Category Archives: God
It’s been awhile since my last blog because I chose to continue my journey inward.
Learning more about me, who I am, who I was, the why’s of my life that all join together to create me in each “Now’. Following in the awareness of this last few weeks of only moments each day with my horses because of the vast amounts of rain found here this September. This last weekend culminating in a huge “ah ha” as the lights inside not only came on, but showed this huge piece of the tapestry that has always been right there, just out of focus. As I was use to living more in the answers others told, offered or thrust upon me.
Everything around us is always offering us the answers we seek. Yet in our societies the expectancy to conform to the pressure of fitting in is most prominent. We were taught at a very young age to respond mostly to make other people happy and then getting our desires met. The proof of one of the first words children learn is NO! Don’t touch, don’t move, don’t explore, don’t have until given permission. Permission usually with a price tag. You might get hurt, you might break something, you might do it wrong. Don’t learn about it, do as your told, I’ll keep you safe.
Yes you may have the cookie… if you do??? An entire litany of simple things at first. Give me a kiss, a hug, clean up the mess. Which slowly evolves into finish your work, take care of the dishes, take a bath, go to school. Then into the work arena of find a job, pay your bills, make your parents proud, fit your degree plan, get it done to get paid, have a family, buy a house. Yet… words don’t teach, only life experience teaches.
All of this showing itself as I was cleaning up my partnership with my new horse Scoozi. My intent… the focused idea of a fun, successful, easy, caring open communicative relationship. Amazed with how much baggage a horse just turning four (supposedly only halter broke) has with her.
Highly aware as I played with each situation which presented itself. The mirrored reflection of my life it revealed. Especially the tendency to double and triple check myself with others books, answers and videos… whenever the situation doesn’t simply resolve itself. The discomfort of not getting it “perfect” or “right” for the imaginary crowd that might suddenly show itself and critique my results here out in the country, many miles from any big city. The Universe always willing to guide me when I allow it to. Assisting me to find my way through this maze of self confusion, and then to my sharing my discoveries here.
This weekend I was led to a video (which I will share at the end) about finding one’s own answers and allowing others to find theirs, as a rat was taught how to tread water in the center of a swimming pool.
The one advantage the rat had… it’s only label was “rat”. Not a tall, short, skinny, fat, black, purple, OCD, PTS, or any of the other labels that cause separation, discomfort and fear of not being enough. This labeling hindering ones ability to learn and figure out the solution for ones self.
I have learned… I am amazing. I choose to stay fully present in each “Now”. I pay attention and reward every try of the horse… and myself. I step back and allow the other to express where they are at. I allow the other to take the time it takes. I am willing to change things when the answer I think should be next… is not really the answer that is needed. I am adaptable, I am constantly learning that in teaching there is no mold. No absolute. No definitive way. There is the final outcome to stay focused on. Just the how’s are the surprising solutions which present themselves to us when we stay open, allowing the best guidance of all… Trusting the feel… our gut, our senses, the good sensation, the ease in the next step. Keeping our focus and trust on a great feeling result.
My desire was originally thought to be a partnership with Scoozi, my new horse. Where what I have found instead… it’s a true partnership with Life. Learning I am capable, willing, aware and always connected when I allow the Universe to join, guiding me in the dance.
Interesting the turns one’s life takes, when we allow the Universe to work with us, instead of us working and struggling alone trying to get it all done… right NOW! This morning being a perfect example of the way life can be when we ask, believe, and get out of our beliefs of this is the only way it can happen or be.
I have been juggling the last few months with my trying so many unsuccessful ways to move forward… “now”, “quickly” with my stubborn attempts to free myself from this old feeling of stuckedness. As I tried, schemed, planned and determined what the “it” was I was stuck in, with the added complication (in my minds way of thinking) of my body’s occasional shenanigans of various nicks, scratches, minor pains and some downright breath taking falls. All in my stubborn determination to “get it done” and over with this time once and for all.
Solidly going through my self-determined path of how and what “it” was going to be. Finding interesting, tantalizing, and annoying side roads that made the newest espied discovery, a possible quicker fix to getting me out of my own confusion of how and what the problem was, that this newest presentation, ad, or suggestion present in front of me promised would whisk me to my desired goal right NOW.
All in all a great way to spend my time running in circles of doing, trying, listening to and trusting “all” of this outside stuff to be more important than the path my inner self was trying to guide me on when this newest tempting suggestion would suddenly appear. Such a great game of cat and mouse, without me actually having to slow down to fully believe and trust in all of me, all of the time.
As I look back on how easily I have been swayed to look anywhere outside of me and yet still not trust or feel the tiny, fleeting sense of doubt that was throwing up the red flags at whatever was present was just a “tiny ant trail” not the main path for me to go. Until came the moment I was spinning in the air from being “bucked off” one of my own horses. Where I became aware of how all of my choices of moving so mentally quickly, flashed through my mind as I was somersaulting to the ground. I could look back in slow motion to the point in time where I had failed to fully cinch up my saddle, as my mind was not in that moment but a full hour ahead rushing to my next appointment.
The last few weeks since then I have made several trips to my chiropractor to adjust the various parts of my anatomy that took the opportunity of this latest incident to get me to really slow down and listen to my body and how I feel God communicates with me. First with my ribs being out, I had to learn to take things really, really slow, for every breath was a fully conscious experience as I expanded and contracted my healing ribs. My hip allowed me to find how to truly, slowly feel and enjoy each movement in my daily stretches that I use to just do, to be done, checked off the list, not relish and attempt to stretch a little further every time to become more flexible. To finally my neck, which woke me up yesterday so stiff, sore, and unyielding in its almost bringing me to tears of desperation as I knew it was Sunday and no one local available for me to go to for an adjustment.
So I stretched, very slowly, very deliberately, fully involved with what my muscles could tolerate, feeling, sensing, listening and tuning in to me… The thought blinked in my mind’s eye to look up video on YouTube on how to pop my own neck after I finished all of my stretches. My neck still stiff, unyielding and throbbing as I began to watch the various offered options as I tried feeling for the right one, finding the lessening of pain as my guide, to fully view or continue in my search until I found one that gave incredible easy relief for me. The whole time I am communicating with my neck for answers and by following its directives, I ended the day comfortable including one last set of stretches before going to bed. This morning waking up gingerly, feeling and sensing for any soreness as I allowed answers to filter through my mind. Hearing the phrase that I have been affirming for months “This or Something Better” in a whole new way.
All of this pain has been me trying to tell me how I have been going in circles with so many of the mantras, affirmations, beliefs and thoughts that continuously seemed to “always” flood my brain as the quick fix, say it 50 times and be done solution that I have been stuck in. Now I heard and understood what I had been trying to do with any affirmation…not feeling the answer resonate with me as a way to live my life.
To say words and not realize I was holding myself prisoner by repetition of thinking I was doing it right. Not getting into the feel of what “This or Something Better” truly could mean for me. I was saying the words, and then jumping on each passing possibility suggested by another as the something better. Even though deep inside I could feel the tiny hesitation “really, hmmm, okay” and all the other signs that meant I wasn’t grounded in the truth for me.
This morning I saw the small sucker limb on this old mesquite tree, about 15 feet below the offending mistletoe infestation that I was thinking the tree needed to be trimmed back from again. Which having been done many times in the past and still the infestation returns. Yet in my mind to cut the tree back to the place this new limb is coming from I would be afraid I would kill the tree. Instead of allowing God to show me how simple it is to have the answer just present itself to me at the perfect time in the perfect way… Because I asked, left it alone and allowed for a better answer than the only one I could at the moment possibly see or imagine… instead of just seeing the tree free of the problem and thriving. Life is a miracle when I let go of imagining that “I have to know the how” to get or do all the possibilities to cause the outcomes and just let it all become what I dream of with thankfulness!
I was conversing with a friend whom I have noticed in the last few days has been coming down with a cold, all congested and stuffy. When out of my mouth popped “What are you all confused about?” so she began to tell me about the things going on at home with her husband and her trying to put all of the pieces together with his possible new job, his coaching their daughters soccer and juggling all of their time together. I could feel and here all of the worry and work that her brain was scrambling to do to get the pieces to fit and her frustration in it not coming together fast enough to ease all of these new fears for the two of them.
After she lined out all of the pros, cons, the possible, the impossible and anything else that came to her mind. She turned to me to see what I suggested. I said why not just allow God to put it together. See all the pieces just fitting perfectly, with all of you laughing and enjoying how easy life has now become with the perfect money and time to be just enjoying it all.
I watched as I evidently spoke the very words she needed to here, as I saw her shoulders relax, her body straighten out, and when she started talking again I pointed out to her all of her congestion was now almost non existent. She was like “wow’ as I explained all of her congested, stuck and stopped up thinking had materialized in her body, until she talked about it, got it out, to find and feel an answer that eased all of this internal mind struggling.
To find myself waking up this morning to an extremely numb shoulder, a stuck and very sore neck. I promptly readjusted my position in bed, and asked my body “what’s up?” Then laid there and let the thoughts just drift in a kind of half-awake state. Seeing scenes from my past, quick glimpses of old incidents, suddenly with other broader views to take in the situation. Aware of the long standing issue with my top rib’s tendency to be easily popped out of place, my own confusion at times of either running or only standing up for myself when I am cornered. In a whole new light as a habit I picked up when learning to defend myself in a very frightening situation many, many years ago that all of me automatically goes to as a survival mode when things get the least little bit tense and uncomfortable.
I thanked my body for answering, then stopped and paused long enough to ask it if there was anything else I needed to know. To be then flooded with information about my own uniqueness that has been assaulted, played down and punished by anyone who I allow their opinion to matter, over what feels or works for me.
The back of my neck eased considerably, until I desired to share this by writing here… to feel this fear come over me of the consequences of sharing what I have learned once again in my writing. My breath became shallow, my ears ringing and then I noticed my fingers and nails. None would ever be photographic for another; so many scars from all of the many things I have been so hands on about.
Both middle fingernails are flat and shovel shaped with no normal fingerprint on the other side because as a child, the neighbor had an electric wire that he had strung across his garage door to keep the local alley cats out of. Which about the age of five I sat on to swing as some little kids would do. Promptly to receive electricity through the scarred place on my behind and to then have it ground me where my fingers touched the earth.
I realized that one of the teachings I have been studying “states how golden silence is by not sharing information with others who are not ready or in the supportive frame of mind”. And the perfect solution then entered my mind…as I remembered how I spent days around Christmas time figuring out how to install the rate this app on my site thinking how important it was to know what another thought.
Now realizing as long as I am willing to write this and take the time to share it. People can read it, comment, find it useful or not without another’s judgment necessary… Because I write to express me, talking to myself, to teach me and allow me to figure me out. The rest just is what it is… my body resonating perfectly as I find myself sitting up straighter, easier and noticing almost all of the discomfort in my neck diminished… small baby steps of asking, listening and responding as I connect to all of me!!!
We then got back on task about my college entrance form, which I pulled up and tried to fill in. The scroll downs wouldn’t work, the internet kept going down, and the browser kept closing itself. So we decided, since the rain was interfering, once it came back on and stayed up I could then complete it with all of the information she had supplied for codes and such. I kind of figured the Universe had other plans for me, and she must have beem asking for some help in sorting out the situations we talked about for her. It was cold in the house, my boots were damp, it just felt like nap weather. So I grabbed a soft, furry blanket, the cat curled up behind my knees and the next thing I knew it was an hour later. I woke up groggy, with the strong memories of something important is about to happen in America, about our lives, this country and God.
A quick check of my emails… all about Christians, Jesus, Christmas, prayers, Muslims, our country & the form she sent me. Which I opened filled out, then hit send…my computer went nuts, the screens started opening and closing, I couldn’t get the cursor to stop moving and go where I needed. I finally had to use ctrl, alt, delete and then hit restart and it came back up, but I had to go to work. Fascinated with all the theatrics from my new compute, this trying to re-enroll in college, and my mind so really conscious about GOD and LOVE. Getting this distinct feeling college may not be where I am headed.
So I drive to work, text my friend about the chaos and message, explaining I will tell her more after I get to the first school to wait. Knowing in the half hour drive, I will have the time to be focused driving and the answer I need, will come. The message that comes is “my heart within God, God’s heart within me”. Then this feeling there is all of this angst over who’s view of God or religion is right, the answer then comes “ LOVE = GOD GOD= LOVE”. Hmmm??? I query. This nation is one nation under God, not under Christ feels right, important… But what does that have to do with me.
I pick up the kids, start driving them home, past a church where the only part of their flashing sign I see is GOD is LOVE, Love one another! I decide all of this must go back to the talk the priest gave before he did his laying on of the hands, the charismatic session where my wrist was restored/healed. He stated Jesus came back to earth to teach us/share with us, get us to understand 3 things:
1 That there is a God
2 For us to tell one another about him
And 3 To love one another AS WE LOVE OURSELVES. The one rule we all can’t quite seem to figure out. Because we don’t know and are not really taught how to love ourselves, we have been taught to criticize, critique, and try to fit who we are into someone else’s opinion about who we should be. Which by doing that, in my way of thinking, means we actually lie to others about loving them, because we have learned to lie to ourselves that there is something wrong with being exactly who we are.
I’m pretty sure I got the message from myself, to myself, for myself. I come home, get on line to check what posts have come on since I was out, and low and behold the one from Margarita confirms my thoughts in this wonderful ah hah moment in my gut! It’s always been about us loving ourselves and creating here on earth in “His Wonderous Image of US”! I do believe I am definitely going to truly learn how to give up the peanut gallery and just listen to God’s loving guidance from within this wonderful body he placed me in!
I cry, bawl, squall, resounding with the levelss of hurt, I have wrapped around me in layers of protectiveness of this still glowing, waiting connection to Source, my God, feeling place, sobbing till I feel cleansed, free, more open to listening to all of me. I sigh, stand, looking at the time:12:30. I have cried for at least half an hour. I need a shower, clean clothes, makeup and my hair done….
I feel the blanket, marvel at its all-encompassing embrace of my two arms, holding me exactly the best way for me to be fully loved, by me. I feel for how I want to dress, look, and be for my lessons and the rest of my day. I plug in the iron, decide on a very colorful, soft, pastel shirt, with my favorite soft, light blue denim jeans. Turn on the shower, and go get a black pair of undies, soft gray bra, and my favorite white past the knee socks. Step into a very hot shower, letting it find every strand of hair on my head, every waiting pore of my skin, and then add a little shampoo. As I begin to scrub and lather my hair, I think of more areas of new skin coming up to be exposed, shimmering cells, as they are released from the old dead layers of yesterday. I thrill in the soapy lather of change, the deep, sensuous, exhilarating feel of the wash cloth, the slithery thick foam as it helps me to become the me of this moment.
As I wash, words come, thoughts form, ideas happen, connections between what I view or see and the reflections inside that it awakens of my current taught awareness of my mind. I feel the word starvation, from the advertisements about famine and my helping one to eat. I feel where that resonates in me… God asking me to be aware of where have I been starving myself, for love, attention, food, life itself… because I have been taught to always help out those less fortunate than me. But from the learned view that I have of having no real value, unless I help others first. The word success… God asking me why I don’t applaud how successful I am in doing wonderful, marvelous things with whatever he has given me, in “my idea” of what little I think I deserve or am. The word abundance… God reminding me of his ability to give me as much as I deserve…. If I would just open my hand to the more he has to easily give me.
I pause, I ask “but what about the compelling pictures that show the needy?” The answer I receive, there are many conditions of complete love found within in inches of the deprivation…you my child only have access to the views you feel are true for you. If you would trust the body I placed you in to “feel” for my guidance to what is good and true…that is what you would find and behold. As long as you feel the hesitation and uncertainty and still go in that direction… “I support you, because I Honor Your Right To Choose!” “I love you no matter what!” So simple, so easy….
I am continuing to listen to my body, to start much more consciously listening, feeling, sensing what feels right for me. God has never let me down, he has always supported every, single, thing I do. Always things have turned out okay, I have done so many things, a whole lot of ways others would never chose, had some really scary, frightening, exciting, frustrating, emotional ups and downs. But wow, what a rush, what a way to really breathe, exam, experience, learn, share and create the most memorable, new, amazing, creative stuff, by trusting I am guided, I am loved, I am extraordinarily all me!