Category Archives: Guidance
The light just totally went on!!! The post I just read thinking’s spilt out onto the page for me to find. So fitting with the short delving into the book “Thick Face, Black Heart” and my last two intense weeks of reading, listening and meditating on both Catherine Ponder’s and Florence Scovel Shinn’s works. All of which I had been allowing myself to just be still with this morning for me to put all of this introspecting together with the discovery of a manila folder labeled with my oldest son’s name in a pile of what I had assumed were my boys grade school works of art. But instead of finding his stuff, there were safely all of my poems, drawings and writings. About my desires, wish, hopes, and dreams that I placed in this folder from out of my wish book, right after I crashed back in 2007 and I had thought all hopes of ever achieving were lost to me… To be found 2 days ago in my thoroughly cleaning out and discarding, bags and boxes full of old stuff. Which I have truly dug through and honestly looked at with the eyes and heart of do I need, desire or even mildly like that which now sits in front of me to see.
Interestingly enough finding these works of mine came right after reading in the book Dynamic Laws of Prosperity “Begin now by first asking yourself just what it is that you honestly desire most in your life. Be specific; be definite, and sincere with yourself. Then write down your dominant desires. Thereafter, declare in privacy, without telling anyone what you are doing, the divine fulfillment of your desires.”
Fascinated because these are my dreams…that I had shelved, hidden, even obscured from myself, except when one of the poems would briefly come into my mind for a second and I would try to remember all of it and then became afraid that maybe it was all of that dreaming had caused my dis-ease in the first place. Yet now, today looking back, I realize my being sick came was because I shared them with others who… I had allowed to change, correct, or minimize “My Deepest Desires” until my inner being had had enough of this lifelong tug of war of trying to “FIT IN”.
I have discovered in the last few months of introspect… that all of these teachers, writers, yogis, and gurus I have spent the last seven years following. Are just giving us their versions of how they accomplished things to have “their” lives work for them. We are all made as individuals looking for “Our own unique Signature and Style”!
Even now as I edit this, I am aware of the subtle hints my own inner beingness has been whispering to me as I have been persistently searching for my own direct connection. Noticing signs, slowing down to feel is this part of the trail, or is this the full deal. Much like when I find a new recipe that appeals to me, and as I am tasting, imagining and smelling the final results in my body. I find sometimes as I begin to read what I have printed out and go to the kitchen to see how many of the required ingredients I have on hand. I will espy a spice, or condiment I can substitute because I have almost all of the other ingredients, instead of stopping, running to town and buying the few other things I might need. To then find a better, tastier and many times awesome upgrade that is perfect for me.
By Jove I think I have this! As I walked around this morning raking hay and the metal handle snapped. My first thought was hmmm… then in my mind’s eye I remembered all the various sized pieces of scrap pipe in the barn. Took the rake in, found the pile, and rummaged through it till I found a perfect fitting piece. Then cut both the new internal extension to the right length, the rake handle open, rebending the flattened pieces, slipped in the extension now garnished with QuikSteel weld. Followed by a wrap or two of duct tape to allow usage of it until it can be taken up to the schools welding shop with my youngest son for his class tomorrow.
I am always guided; it just has been such a struggle to believe in myself… again. Because before I never really trusted or believed in me 100% all of the time, I so bought into the sideshow of life that tried and very successfully convinced me I didn’t have the right stuff. Except for when all of a sudden I was doing what minutes, days, weeks, months before I had been told was impossible… Hurray for me. I am beginning to confidently and consistently hold my own in a world full of other people’s opinions about life and doing it all My Way!!
All these thoughts drifting through my mind as I come in to alignment with my body on how I can comfortably live my life with it… is so not what I expected or was taught. I am discovering every day more and more habits that I do at an extreme price to my physical body now that it has had enough and has my full attention as I intuit why and what is right for me. Fascination holding the key when I rolled over in waking up this morning to absolutely no pain anywhere.
I then did the typical feel, move, stretch, and search for any signs of discomfort “before” I went to thanking my entire being for getting into agreement over how I can change pain by myself when I listen and trust the information that fleets across my mind, each time lingering longer as I begin to believe I am allowed to know what is best for me.
I am in total appreciation over the ease of simply being aware of the sensations in so many of my muscles just by when I am smiling, and the unique difference especially in my neck when I habitually choose any other facial expression. I was in awe of the sudden memory of the hall of our old house where my mother framed all of us girls pictures from K-12 and how I stopped smiling at about the fourth grade, the same time I realized working, equaled dollars. Creating things, yard work, leather craft, anything for a few dollars spending money always with this personal inspections from family others about how “right” or “good” it was.
The tons and tons of do overs, you missed a spot and the worst of all “you didn’t make that” until the entire piece was examined and the eventual flaw was found to satisfy the examiner. The whole time I felt I had to defend my work, try harder, do more to be paid and then was told how, where and what I was to do with the money earned.
This morning brought it even more to my attention as I took the time with each horse and became conscious of the seriousness I have extended to so many of the things I truly love doing. I now play the game of catching myself any time I am not smiling from this trained habit of defending myself for the right to do something my way. I have so well learned this amazing work ethic in all I do, even with each horse: grooming them till they sigh, discovering I have this natural (sheesh) grimace as I really get into grooming and stroking of each muscle. Catching the difference when I am doing it by feel, breathing real deep with each stroke and to inhale the smell of the moment, my face relaxed until I go to looking at what I might have missed and could do better. This time I smiled, I breathed, aware “damn I am hard on me”.
I go on to groundwork with each animal, again aware of any tenseness in my neck, and danged if it doesn’t match the moment my thoughts try to jump even 5 minutes ahead of what I am doing. So I grin, relax, leave the phone on the table and flip my watch over. The horses are different, easier, all of the steps asked for are met with this wonderful sense of ease and timing as I start off down the road for a half mile ride.
Trot, walk, trot, extend the stride, change hips, feel each back soften and move with me, oops the thought of one more horse to go. I feel the tug at my neck, I breathe, grin and let the thought go at the same time aware of the release in my shoulders, followed by a softer feel from my horse through the reins, a wonderful, light, supple connection.
Wow, I have been holding the world ransom from this habitual fear of having to defend my right to just play with, train, much less even own horses. The craziness I have bought into over the hundreds of times I let some other ask me how much I make, how can I afford to do what I do, much less the thousands of others who try to tell me how, when, where, and why none of this can or will work. I bought into their opinions, their ideas, their thoughts, their reasoning’s… to let all of that dictate my life. Defending and working so very hard to prove all of this stuff outside of me “matters” more than this passion that burns inside and brings me joy.
I smiled, breathed, allowed the tension and time to let go. I just connected, rode, danced, moved fast, then slow, had fun, and played being me. I don’t owe anyone or anything except my own body, mind, and spirit perfect alignment where WE ALWAYS LIVE TOGETHER IN EACH AND EVERY MOMENT OF NOW!!
“Explanations usually come along with intuitive messages on a “need to know basis.” When the bigger, more important messages need to surface, they will, so pay attention! Listen with your heart. We now know that the heart has many more neurons than it would need just for circulation of blood. By following through on your everyday hunches, you are actually taking test drives, virtually honing in on your listening skills. These skills will serve you well. Everyone is apparently somewhat psychic, but many people just have flabby psychic muscles.
Learning to listen to your inner dialog tones and strengthens this muscle. The more you use your intuition the better you get at it. When we choose to ignore our gut instincts, we are only hurting ourselves. The holistic or wholistic movement is about healing this problem.
Listening to your intuition is the essence of art and creativity and soulful living. Intuition is what you use to find the purpose of your life and your place in the world. Once you awaken your inner guide by unlocking the wisdom of your subconscious mind, you already know what to do.”
Perfectly timed morning email message to allow me to know “I Am” learning to listen to the guidance from within me as I made my way through my morning tasks, finding with each step I am taking a softening of how I did and now will be viewing and living my life. Aware of how I am choosing new words to describe things that before I “always” used terms about my work, chores, and jobs that defined my life in a feeling of have to, must, and some absurd time schedule to get things done, now, immediately, quickly and efficiently so that the job would be done right and I could mark it off as complete to get on to the next thing on the list.
There is no real joy I now find in doing that. Though I did have the satisfaction of completion and accomplishment… but not the reveling in each moment as when the water trough fills and I espied Charlie stopping in his eating to stop and look to see what I was watching.
The world responding to me, what I am vibrating out, how I am breathing… I can tell by how peacefully he looks, checks back in with me and then grabs another mouthful of hay as the water just starts to overflow from his trough and I kink the hose to move down to the next pen.
These simple things that I so relish now in the steps of early morning feeding, which before I had been pushing myself to get done in this old habit or belief of an accomplishment done, trumped the joy in each step or new thing observed in completing the task at hand. Hearing the words I have spoken a thousand times to my students “a quarter inch improvement’ will slowly and surely build the steps to mastering their connection with a horse. Fluidness comes from being in the moment, sensing, feeling, flowing, and accomplishing without having to stop, think, fumble, and then take a breath with any movement forward in our awkwardness to get “it” right so we fit in to the ideal mold we have stuck in our head.
Once again aware of how much I have been actually talking to myself when I teach others… just not listening to what I was saying. The blessing being is I am enjoying the fruits of my awakening as I realize I knew the right answers all along for me… just with no belief or confidence in my own connection that the still small voice from within was God answering me. I did not “use” to believe in my own worthiness to have, much less be allowed a direct connection. Still small steps, ah hah moments, deep breaths of awareness, learning to be aware if I am smiling, truly enjoying each moment… and loving the progress!
I was conversing with a friend whom I have noticed in the last few days has been coming down with a cold, all congested and stuffy. When out of my mouth popped “What are you all confused about?” so she began to tell me about the things going on at home with her husband and her trying to put all of the pieces together with his possible new job, his coaching their daughters soccer and juggling all of their time together. I could feel and here all of the worry and work that her brain was scrambling to do to get the pieces to fit and her frustration in it not coming together fast enough to ease all of these new fears for the two of them.
After she lined out all of the pros, cons, the possible, the impossible and anything else that came to her mind. She turned to me to see what I suggested. I said why not just allow God to put it together. See all the pieces just fitting perfectly, with all of you laughing and enjoying how easy life has now become with the perfect money and time to be just enjoying it all.
I watched as I evidently spoke the very words she needed to here, as I saw her shoulders relax, her body straighten out, and when she started talking again I pointed out to her all of her congestion was now almost non existent. She was like “wow’ as I explained all of her congested, stuck and stopped up thinking had materialized in her body, until she talked about it, got it out, to find and feel an answer that eased all of this internal mind struggling.
To find myself waking up this morning to an extremely numb shoulder, a stuck and very sore neck. I promptly readjusted my position in bed, and asked my body “what’s up?” Then laid there and let the thoughts just drift in a kind of half-awake state. Seeing scenes from my past, quick glimpses of old incidents, suddenly with other broader views to take in the situation. Aware of the long standing issue with my top rib’s tendency to be easily popped out of place, my own confusion at times of either running or only standing up for myself when I am cornered. In a whole new light as a habit I picked up when learning to defend myself in a very frightening situation many, many years ago that all of me automatically goes to as a survival mode when things get the least little bit tense and uncomfortable.
I thanked my body for answering, then stopped and paused long enough to ask it if there was anything else I needed to know. To be then flooded with information about my own uniqueness that has been assaulted, played down and punished by anyone who I allow their opinion to matter, over what feels or works for me.
The back of my neck eased considerably, until I desired to share this by writing here… to feel this fear come over me of the consequences of sharing what I have learned once again in my writing. My breath became shallow, my ears ringing and then I noticed my fingers and nails. None would ever be photographic for another; so many scars from all of the many things I have been so hands on about.
Both middle fingernails are flat and shovel shaped with no normal fingerprint on the other side because as a child, the neighbor had an electric wire that he had strung across his garage door to keep the local alley cats out of. Which about the age of five I sat on to swing as some little kids would do. Promptly to receive electricity through the scarred place on my behind and to then have it ground me where my fingers touched the earth.
I realized that one of the teachings I have been studying “states how golden silence is by not sharing information with others who are not ready or in the supportive frame of mind”. And the perfect solution then entered my mind…as I remembered how I spent days around Christmas time figuring out how to install the rate this app on my site thinking how important it was to know what another thought.
Now realizing as long as I am willing to write this and take the time to share it. People can read it, comment, find it useful or not without another’s judgment necessary… Because I write to express me, talking to myself, to teach me and allow me to figure me out. The rest just is what it is… my body resonating perfectly as I find myself sitting up straighter, easier and noticing almost all of the discomfort in my neck diminished… small baby steps of asking, listening and responding as I connect to all of me!!!
This morning I began searching, looking, seeking for any other places in my life where my saying “no” meant nothing. My last week has been besieged with opportunities to get to the last few knots, that were still tangling up this, what appeared to be thread of the word and power of my personal no. The college investigation for a possible place to attend, has had the wonderful help and guidance we all receive when we ask, allow and trust that we are provided with answers to any question we ask.
My first question was if I really wanted to go back to school and the factors to consider. Being that of the amount of time, which would be answered by knowing what I was trying to accomplish, in my case was does one need a degree to write? Then if one pursues that line of thinking, what type of degree, how much of my previous schooling is applicable, that amount then subtracted by the amount of hours required by the school of choice, and of those hours required, which hours really have anything to do with me actually writing, anytime soon. Then add the final questions to the mix of where the funding will come from, and how much time will I give up before I am deemed ready, able or even apt to being a writer.
So many things to consider, so I threw out my baited hook… single mom, low income, disadvantaged, business owner, eligible for grants, loans and government financing. Funny part is I didn’t realize my own value till I filled out an application for aide, selected the few colleges recommended by family and friends. Then it was like, let the games begin, just with the Universe/God on my side. That translates into, if I asked a specific question, the computer and internet were flawless. If a college or source tried to persuade, push, or manage me into a particular round hole, that square ole me not only did not fit, but was not the least interested in budging. The computer would close, lose the connection, change screens, etc. Till I really started noticing and following the guidance, easily stopping when things went awry, and politely dismissing those institutions’ that were easily showing up in the not that way column.
Today’s particularly persistent university had 8 emails with urgency put on each one, from several different departments, after my email Monday that I was no longer interested. I had woken up this morning, knowing a major storm had blown through last night, opening the door to a be-sodden pasture and pens soaked with over 4 inches of rain. To which I knew meant other than feeding and short turn outs, riding was off. I knew my day could be spent running the last errands for Christmas just days away. My work had called checks were in early, I made a deal with my youngster to do a few chores for me while I was out and I would make it worth his while on my return. He agreed, I loaded up the huge collection of old things and trash to complete my elimination of this last year’s discards and off I went, expecting the other piece to surface I had been sensing were at hand.
Dropped off the trash, then the stuff to Good Will, picked up my check, (wow no bonus, hmmm) went to the bank, then fuel, then the store, dropped off the electric check and stopped for two drinks for him and me. Came home to no answer when I honked to help unload, walked in and nothing was done, but tons of excuses. So much frustration, anger, confusion, just boiled out, till I heard something inside tell me I was safe, I wouldn’t be punished for being mad, this was his path of least resistance, he was in need of this lesson. I got calmer, and we cleaned for the next two hours, contacted a service I pay for on line, and instead of having to pay this month’s fee, was blessed with $100 savings, from an old credit just recently applied. My son, walks in with some new twist to his story, I cut him off with no, he starts to continue, I reiterate No, No, No… he walks away and gets back to work. There’s a knock on the door, a client who had asked to allow her final payment till next week, is there with the full amount in cash.
Okay, Universe I am listening, I think I have this “no” thing down. I feel around for what to do next. Spy several discards from my last relatives upheaval in leaving, load them up to then drop off at Good Will and decide the extra $100 I would go spend on me. I was treating myself to Christmas presents from me…to me! I have my son get cleaned up, he gets his money for gifts he has yet to buy and off we go. A new wheelbarrow, drill, heater for my office, back door rug and a few pretty girly girl intimates. Head home to feed, make supper and watch a movie with my youngest.
Get in the door, and the whining, twisting, pleading starts again. All of a sudden in the middle of this new bout of anger, the tears begin to flow, the huge old story of manipulation, this jagged thread which has been right there just below what I thought was people running over my “no’s” is the culprit. Suddenly seeing it there, fully exposed, recognizing it, literally tasting it as it came bubbling out of the deep festering old pocket held tightly by my training to fit in, be good, be worthy… All healed in the moment of love of understanding, releasing this wound tightly, smothering me amidst the years of tales of others who had bought into there is only one way to do anything.
I love them all, I understand this has been my training, education, schooling, to make me become the teacher, student, trainer, trainee, love and lover I am, each and every moment of every day! Thank you Universe, the tears were healing, especially when I turned all of that love back on my ability to create it all, sort it out, and put it back together in a more loving and understanding package!
I cry, bawl, squall, resounding with the levelss of hurt, I have wrapped around me in layers of protectiveness of this still glowing, waiting connection to Source, my God, feeling place, sobbing till I feel cleansed, free, more open to listening to all of me. I sigh, stand, looking at the time:12:30. I have cried for at least half an hour. I need a shower, clean clothes, makeup and my hair done….
I feel the blanket, marvel at its all-encompassing embrace of my two arms, holding me exactly the best way for me to be fully loved, by me. I feel for how I want to dress, look, and be for my lessons and the rest of my day. I plug in the iron, decide on a very colorful, soft, pastel shirt, with my favorite soft, light blue denim jeans. Turn on the shower, and go get a black pair of undies, soft gray bra, and my favorite white past the knee socks. Step into a very hot shower, letting it find every strand of hair on my head, every waiting pore of my skin, and then add a little shampoo. As I begin to scrub and lather my hair, I think of more areas of new skin coming up to be exposed, shimmering cells, as they are released from the old dead layers of yesterday. I thrill in the soapy lather of change, the deep, sensuous, exhilarating feel of the wash cloth, the slithery thick foam as it helps me to become the me of this moment.
As I wash, words come, thoughts form, ideas happen, connections between what I view or see and the reflections inside that it awakens of my current taught awareness of my mind. I feel the word starvation, from the advertisements about famine and my helping one to eat. I feel where that resonates in me… God asking me to be aware of where have I been starving myself, for love, attention, food, life itself… because I have been taught to always help out those less fortunate than me. But from the learned view that I have of having no real value, unless I help others first. The word success… God asking me why I don’t applaud how successful I am in doing wonderful, marvelous things with whatever he has given me, in “my idea” of what little I think I deserve or am. The word abundance… God reminding me of his ability to give me as much as I deserve…. If I would just open my hand to the more he has to easily give me.
I pause, I ask “but what about the compelling pictures that show the needy?” The answer I receive, there are many conditions of complete love found within in inches of the deprivation…you my child only have access to the views you feel are true for you. If you would trust the body I placed you in to “feel” for my guidance to what is good and true…that is what you would find and behold. As long as you feel the hesitation and uncertainty and still go in that direction… “I support you, because I Honor Your Right To Choose!” “I love you no matter what!” So simple, so easy….
I am continuing to listen to my body, to start much more consciously listening, feeling, sensing what feels right for me. God has never let me down, he has always supported every, single, thing I do. Always things have turned out okay, I have done so many things, a whole lot of ways others would never chose, had some really scary, frightening, exciting, frustrating, emotional ups and downs. But wow, what a rush, what a way to really breathe, exam, experience, learn, share and create the most memorable, new, amazing, creative stuff, by trusting I am guided, I am loved, I am extraordinarily all me!