Category Archives: Healing
After all this practicing of learning to meditate and focus… and doing an incredible job of it. “Except…”
My inner being feels much louder now that I have found the way to quiet so much of the old programs from others which use to have control over most of my attention. The false old belief that fitting in was important. Making others happy by saving those in pain, despair, woe or whatever other drama they brought to the forefront of my attention to their neediness was the solution to being or having it all.
The voice spoke again, just a whisper as it knew I was listening…
You did so well last night, the pain that woke you about four this morning. You got up, took something for it, rearranged the bed, even turned the heating pad on low, to go back to sleep and wake up feeling fine.
Then the phone message ding… Need ride! Son hurriedly texted after checking to see if you were awake. Both of those texts you just answered. There was no focus. No thought as you read what was texted to sense inside for your feelings, then think and feel for the best answer for you.
First responder habit still has dibs on you!
No excuses seemed even a little bit plausible, as I felt the beginning of discomfort in my head. Then I grinned. The very discomfort I was feeling, was also the key to me allowing my inner self access to my attention again… from when moments before I told myself I was “having” to finish playing all of the players shown waiting in the queue, then I could go blog about what I’d discovered was true for me with the judging, focus, and looking away outside to others habit, taught in manifesting living the “perfect life”.
Softly the voice went on… Meditation was learned to quiet your mind. Focus was to learn how to hone in on “one” thing at a time. Awareness was to learn thoughts and feelings are partners in creating anything. All of these can create the most simple or complex creations when they work together.
Allowing was to learn and realize that judgment divides. In giving up deciding right from wrong, the focus is no longer outside of you. Everything is just choices to choose to continue to look at and create more of, or let go of to allow new thoughts to experience in.
The conversation with your son went better. You allowed him the choice of ranting on about all the things impossible about his transportation situation. Faced it straight on and gave him two choices that worked perfectly for you. Both required him to step up and figure out the best answer for him, from inside himself. No band aids, no hand outs, no exceptions. It’s his life.
It took for you to starting to feel physically off, stopping all of the excuses of your own “outside attention others first awareness” to feel for what you, all of your body needed. You slowed down, turned off the game without finishing it. Closed the browser, just sat with yourself, to focus on what would feel best… right now. Got quiet. Waited… to see the bottle of medicine in your mind, the amount to take with water. Then after taking care of yourself. Sat down and allowed the words to flow…
Damn… and now not only do you feel better… you finished a blog. Good Job!!!
I love this new way of tuning in to me, listening to what I am telling myself. Actually hearing all of the crazy, justifying statements that were almost silent roadblocks in any of my own movement forward. Loving when I’m in a focused state, fully invested in the experience and aligned with what is going on in the present moment. I am not worried about the outcome or any means to an end. I am learning how to be present and move with intention in caring about all of Me! Congratulating, praising and honoring all of this which is coming from within me, to me, for me. It’s so powerfully changing, honing and improving every aspect of my life.
Wasn’t sure just where to start… figuring I would let it flow and see what came about in my awareness of living life with the Heart I now find at the very edge of each and every thought. As I have been soaking up the newness of change… in my own beliefs, words, and realizations from others experiences so lovingly shared and found when one searches. Necessary from my previously unknown tendency to take “to heart” and become what others needed me to be so they might be happy.
Thankfully, whenever I last wrote here, a few days later I was sent a notice that another person was following my blog, so I went back to read one of the post they liked. Which led to my reading two other post I had written months apart, yet basically just loops of the same place I was struggling in. I stepped back. Tried to look around to truly see as best possible of where I was. To start clearing, cleaning, changing and feeling for what was it I was truly “Wanting”!
This last weekend found me deep within connecting to my self in an entirely new profound way. I was looking into my own eyes, feeling my focus for what I saw… was I truly looking inside of me, or just at the physical aspects of me? How was I thinking? From the thoughts of what my looks were or where my looks were radiating from…
I have a new 3 ½ year old filly. The first day I went to see her I had a flash of intuition of who she truly would become. Loaded her up and she came home with me. Starting with… vet, wormed, chiropractor, farrier, 60 days ground work of her consistently “taking directions”… noting how aware she was of guarding her right side. Slow, careful, consistent 21 days under saddle.
Day 22… noted how old the earpiece on the bridle was (to be changed later). Which found me hard on the ground minutes later, after her panicked run into the fence when the bridle broke at the buckled spot and she tried to get away from this swinging piece near her eye. I “panicked” by physically making sure we did not run through the fence as she started to collide with it. Once turned she immediately unloaded her once confident rider, and two jumps later as I am refilling my lungs with air. She turns and walks back up to me with reins and bridle dangling from around her neck to find out what was so scary.
Healing is a mental thing, I knew I had missed something… I stopped and went back to the start, with slow, observant ground work. When I happened to reach over to the right side of her face where the bridle gave and found the still, very acute panic that had been apparent in her at the beginning. That which I had “obediently trained” her past. Suddenly having a very strong memory of my ole man “Chic” and the fear so strongly present in him when I first finally got to own him, and the months of slow, careful, conscious time earning his trust. Realizations of who I was and what I have been missing in my assisting others to change, all of these many years later after he died.
I forgot the Heart, Soul, and Look of Eagles when the light goes on because another knows you are listening to “ALL” of them. Seeing another as who they see themselves to be. Not who others think they should, could or ought to be.
Acutely aware of the time I went to a rodeo type event when I first moved back here and won 5 of the 7 events, placing 2nd in the others because I had to learn them minutes before competing. So relishing the comrade of being noticed, talked to and “accepted”. Highly aware of the one common comment “What I did was awesome BUT how much faster I would be when I learned to do it like they all did!”
Basically I went to clinics… untaught, untrained and disciplined myself to obediently follow the guidelines, finding the winnings getting less and less. Unless I started a beginning rider or horse with my self taught basics. From which they would start winning, only to be enticed to other stables so they could fit in and “Really Win”. I’d lost my own heart, trained it obediently away and didn’t even know it.
Thankfully I have never given up, just learned to slow down, start over and examine “everything!” Which blissfully led to this last weekend with my three different horses, now with a heartfelt connection to me, as I am looking and treating them as full valuable partners. Allowing them to know we are doing this together, step by step. The reward in their letting down, letting in, and amazed at the immense physical releases of their years worth of just “being obedient” yet having no real say in the partnership.
The run, run, hurry, hurry, everyone wants it now! Why aren’t you riding, trotting, loping, winning or on them yet demands. I had bought into the outcome, quantity, and “other peoples” wants for the mount to be just ridden and controlled. Their horses obediently following directions and going through the motions.
Not the quality and class of bringing the whole horse I am so capable and available to assist others in finding. The “Look of Eagles” in their eyes in full partnership, each a full half of the team. The team that sparkles and shines because of the connection of being powerful beings “Together, calm, connected, confident, classy, full Partners in Heart.”
The last few years I have sparsely written, as I had chosen the path of true self-discovery. Much like the weaver of a blanket who discovers in their almost completed project a couple of twisted out of place threads, which could have been just snipped, untwisted and replaced. Yet who knew instead there was much more to be gained in going back, completely undoing the months and years of work, to slowly… with new found awareness, patience and complete love of self to a place of truly knowing who I am worth to choose to rework the entire weave.
The last couple of years here in this small Texas town that has weathered the destruction and reconstruction (for me such a perfect outward expression of my inner journey) a tornado, straight line winds, massive rainfall, and just recently the edge of a hurricane, the eye passing within thirty miles to the east of here.
My oldest son changing jobs, buying his own place and settling into his current phase of life, whilst my youngest graduated, worked a series of fast food jobs, before finally finding work he truly, currently, enjoys. Including his moving out in the last few weeks as part of the series of learning the value of being on his own, which amazingly accompanied my own realization of how much of my life had been programed to taking care of others first.
In reweaving my life’s blanket, the threads I have gone within to find were all of the beliefs given to me by well-meaning others, the media, society, any and everything else that has attempted to tell me who I am so that I fit their idea of me.
I had just about found my way back to the first third of my life’s blanket the month after my youngest graduated last year, when I discovered this strange lack of activity in my routine. In puzzling over the difference as I continued with my “normal” routine, when the awareness of what the something missing was finally found me. For the first time in 24 years I did not have to “run” to school, the store, and the office to report, fix, repair, replace or return anything in assisting my boys in getting through school to be the somebody’s society expected.
I found myself bathed in the uncertainty of who was I really? I had this enormous list of things I was doing to fit into being “who I thought I was supposed to be”. Followed by slowly, carefully, daily, unthreading, unwinding, and sorting through the colors of beliefs, ideas and suggestions that I had learned to believe were supposed to be me. Thus utilizing yoga, exercise, diet, reading, and listening to a variety of authors as I allowed myself to actually discover, be content, and happy, by doing whatever I truly desired.
It took this last year with lots of alone time with the horses, the cats, the dog, myself, this place with its amazing views and the assortment of clients for me to see the reflection of who I had been, who I could be, who I was… always vividly portrayed by the situations I would see in front of me.
I have learned what the horses have shown, taught and instilled in me, as my truth. Everything is a result of what I am vibrating, feeling, being and expecting. There are no exceptions. It took almost stripping myself bare, learning to listen to every single thought, really feeling every feeling, awareness to every word I spoke aloud to finally realize I had created my entire life, no exceptions! If I truly desired change, I would have to be as aware in my moment to moment activities of my mind, body and beliefs, as I am when I am fully aware in handling and working with anything new.
There are no idle thoughts or feelings. Animals are gifted that way. They feel their way by living fully in each moment. There is no worry about tomorrow, or yesterday. Only this moment exist.
All of my old habits of thoughts as to what another thinks is okay or right… have been the walls of the prison I held myself in by thinking that I have to be some particular way to have a life, much less my life.
I am in such an amazing place of awareness and appreciation for everything I have ever done. I KNOW I can say no and not give a rip about anyone else. Because I truly am the only one who creates in my reality. I am really for the first time in forever knowing and loving who I am, what It is I desire, and who I comfortably, completely, thoroughly enjoy being and becoming more of. I am in love and at home with myself.
Interesting the turns one’s life takes, when we allow the Universe to work with us, instead of us working and struggling alone trying to get it all done… right NOW! This morning being a perfect example of the way life can be when we ask, believe, and get out of our beliefs of this is the only way it can happen or be.
I have been juggling the last few months with my trying so many unsuccessful ways to move forward… “now”, “quickly” with my stubborn attempts to free myself from this old feeling of stuckedness. As I tried, schemed, planned and determined what the “it” was I was stuck in, with the added complication (in my minds way of thinking) of my body’s occasional shenanigans of various nicks, scratches, minor pains and some downright breath taking falls. All in my stubborn determination to “get it done” and over with this time once and for all.
Solidly going through my self-determined path of how and what “it” was going to be. Finding interesting, tantalizing, and annoying side roads that made the newest espied discovery, a possible quicker fix to getting me out of my own confusion of how and what the problem was, that this newest presentation, ad, or suggestion present in front of me promised would whisk me to my desired goal right NOW.
All in all a great way to spend my time running in circles of doing, trying, listening to and trusting “all” of this outside stuff to be more important than the path my inner self was trying to guide me on when this newest tempting suggestion would suddenly appear. Such a great game of cat and mouse, without me actually having to slow down to fully believe and trust in all of me, all of the time.
As I look back on how easily I have been swayed to look anywhere outside of me and yet still not trust or feel the tiny, fleeting sense of doubt that was throwing up the red flags at whatever was present was just a “tiny ant trail” not the main path for me to go. Until came the moment I was spinning in the air from being “bucked off” one of my own horses. Where I became aware of how all of my choices of moving so mentally quickly, flashed through my mind as I was somersaulting to the ground. I could look back in slow motion to the point in time where I had failed to fully cinch up my saddle, as my mind was not in that moment but a full hour ahead rushing to my next appointment.
The last few weeks since then I have made several trips to my chiropractor to adjust the various parts of my anatomy that took the opportunity of this latest incident to get me to really slow down and listen to my body and how I feel God communicates with me. First with my ribs being out, I had to learn to take things really, really slow, for every breath was a fully conscious experience as I expanded and contracted my healing ribs. My hip allowed me to find how to truly, slowly feel and enjoy each movement in my daily stretches that I use to just do, to be done, checked off the list, not relish and attempt to stretch a little further every time to become more flexible. To finally my neck, which woke me up yesterday so stiff, sore, and unyielding in its almost bringing me to tears of desperation as I knew it was Sunday and no one local available for me to go to for an adjustment.
So I stretched, very slowly, very deliberately, fully involved with what my muscles could tolerate, feeling, sensing, listening and tuning in to me… The thought blinked in my mind’s eye to look up video on YouTube on how to pop my own neck after I finished all of my stretches. My neck still stiff, unyielding and throbbing as I began to watch the various offered options as I tried feeling for the right one, finding the lessening of pain as my guide, to fully view or continue in my search until I found one that gave incredible easy relief for me. The whole time I am communicating with my neck for answers and by following its directives, I ended the day comfortable including one last set of stretches before going to bed. This morning waking up gingerly, feeling and sensing for any soreness as I allowed answers to filter through my mind. Hearing the phrase that I have been affirming for months “This or Something Better” in a whole new way.
All of this pain has been me trying to tell me how I have been going in circles with so many of the mantras, affirmations, beliefs and thoughts that continuously seemed to “always” flood my brain as the quick fix, say it 50 times and be done solution that I have been stuck in. Now I heard and understood what I had been trying to do with any affirmation…not feeling the answer resonate with me as a way to live my life.
To say words and not realize I was holding myself prisoner by repetition of thinking I was doing it right. Not getting into the feel of what “This or Something Better” truly could mean for me. I was saying the words, and then jumping on each passing possibility suggested by another as the something better. Even though deep inside I could feel the tiny hesitation “really, hmmm, okay” and all the other signs that meant I wasn’t grounded in the truth for me.
This morning I saw the small sucker limb on this old mesquite tree, about 15 feet below the offending mistletoe infestation that I was thinking the tree needed to be trimmed back from again. Which having been done many times in the past and still the infestation returns. Yet in my mind to cut the tree back to the place this new limb is coming from I would be afraid I would kill the tree. Instead of allowing God to show me how simple it is to have the answer just present itself to me at the perfect time in the perfect way… Because I asked, left it alone and allowed for a better answer than the only one I could at the moment possibly see or imagine… instead of just seeing the tree free of the problem and thriving. Life is a miracle when I let go of imagining that “I have to know the how” to get or do all the possibilities to cause the outcomes and just let it all become what I dream of with thankfulness!
I no more than finished that last thought and the pain just dissipated, it was so easy, so simple, to just be in the moment. So overjoyed with the simplicity of it all, I came in read the comment from Lisa, so comfortable about connecting with my true spirit, not my physical reality. The rest of the day just flew. Great fun lessons, easy to “work with” horses, all of the day just fitting easily, simply into place, giving me a new found respect for my ability to listen to God talking to me through the body he has given me. I so love all of this.
Wandered outside to feed, ducking back in quickly for another layer, the temperature dipping another 10 degrees since yesterday’s storm. Cold, damp, air, that on my second venture outside was allowing me to be greeted by the rolling fog off of the warmer river casually meandering across the fields in my direction. Allowing me to ponder as I fed, the last few errands for the Christmas weekend, organizing my quick trip to town in my mind after my first cup of coffee.
Stepped in the bathroom started the shower so the water would be hot for when I go in, quickly put together my coffee maker, turned it on and then stepped into the waiting heat of the cascading water. Just standing there, letting it run, pell mell all over every part of me, feeling as if it was loosening and removing the layers that yesterday’s discovery had dislodged. Ten full minutes of just pounding, pulsing, cleansing water…then I added soap, lather, the cloth and scrubbed myself fully awake. Stepped out, dried off, got organized and off to town, coffee in my mug, several last minute shopping stops, and finally back home, so freaking tired, exhaustion oozing from every pore. So amazed at how much I had been fighting, and arguing with myself over it just had to be the “no” issue. Yet now, the total relief of just that one different realization, so tired, so glad to let it all go, with just horses still to do.
So I decide on easy, just lunging my four, all who come out so full and so feisty in such wickedly cold weather, after being kept in because of the sloppy footing from yesterday. I allow the play at the end of the line for each horse, the silliness, snorting, begging to be let go without the having to pay attention. I wait, I follow, I ask, more silliness from each one, until they get the edge off, come back, ears up, asking, hoping I will quit when they beg, but then aware of how much more centered I have become. Each in turn finally, drops their head to ask, come to me, breathing hard, but listening, waiting, and then I turn each one loose, till I am only left with the new guy.
Mine I know well what to expect on a super cold day with no turn out the day before. Him?? Well we shall see. I walk into his pen, he comes up, quietly, respectfully allowing me to halter him. Behaves almost flawlessly at grooming, saddling, in close warm up, and much more laid back on the lunge line, I am impressed. So I mount up, and have the most wonderful, listening, trying, learning steed for the next thirty minutes. Pleased with the ease of it all, my body thanking him, knowing I need the healing of taking things slow, restful, calm as I finish ingesting how much energy I had been using as I tenaciously held on against myself, all that trying so hard to make the wrong answer right.
But I congratulate myself, I can feel a tremendous difference, I feel a peace that I had known was near enough to sense, just hadn’t quite figured out the entire puzzle of my twisted threads, which now easily dangle in the breeze. Drying out, relaxing, and glistening anew on this day of nothingness. Just being, me, more whole than I can ever remember. I can do this!
This morning I began searching, looking, seeking for any other places in my life where my saying “no” meant nothing. My last week has been besieged with opportunities to get to the last few knots, that were still tangling up this, what appeared to be thread of the word and power of my personal no. The college investigation for a possible place to attend, has had the wonderful help and guidance we all receive when we ask, allow and trust that we are provided with answers to any question we ask.
My first question was if I really wanted to go back to school and the factors to consider. Being that of the amount of time, which would be answered by knowing what I was trying to accomplish, in my case was does one need a degree to write? Then if one pursues that line of thinking, what type of degree, how much of my previous schooling is applicable, that amount then subtracted by the amount of hours required by the school of choice, and of those hours required, which hours really have anything to do with me actually writing, anytime soon. Then add the final questions to the mix of where the funding will come from, and how much time will I give up before I am deemed ready, able or even apt to being a writer.
So many things to consider, so I threw out my baited hook… single mom, low income, disadvantaged, business owner, eligible for grants, loans and government financing. Funny part is I didn’t realize my own value till I filled out an application for aide, selected the few colleges recommended by family and friends. Then it was like, let the games begin, just with the Universe/God on my side. That translates into, if I asked a specific question, the computer and internet were flawless. If a college or source tried to persuade, push, or manage me into a particular round hole, that square ole me not only did not fit, but was not the least interested in budging. The computer would close, lose the connection, change screens, etc. Till I really started noticing and following the guidance, easily stopping when things went awry, and politely dismissing those institutions’ that were easily showing up in the not that way column.
Today’s particularly persistent university had 8 emails with urgency put on each one, from several different departments, after my email Monday that I was no longer interested. I had woken up this morning, knowing a major storm had blown through last night, opening the door to a be-sodden pasture and pens soaked with over 4 inches of rain. To which I knew meant other than feeding and short turn outs, riding was off. I knew my day could be spent running the last errands for Christmas just days away. My work had called checks were in early, I made a deal with my youngster to do a few chores for me while I was out and I would make it worth his while on my return. He agreed, I loaded up the huge collection of old things and trash to complete my elimination of this last year’s discards and off I went, expecting the other piece to surface I had been sensing were at hand.
Dropped off the trash, then the stuff to Good Will, picked up my check, (wow no bonus, hmmm) went to the bank, then fuel, then the store, dropped off the electric check and stopped for two drinks for him and me. Came home to no answer when I honked to help unload, walked in and nothing was done, but tons of excuses. So much frustration, anger, confusion, just boiled out, till I heard something inside tell me I was safe, I wouldn’t be punished for being mad, this was his path of least resistance, he was in need of this lesson. I got calmer, and we cleaned for the next two hours, contacted a service I pay for on line, and instead of having to pay this month’s fee, was blessed with $100 savings, from an old credit just recently applied. My son, walks in with some new twist to his story, I cut him off with no, he starts to continue, I reiterate No, No, No… he walks away and gets back to work. There’s a knock on the door, a client who had asked to allow her final payment till next week, is there with the full amount in cash.
Okay, Universe I am listening, I think I have this “no” thing down. I feel around for what to do next. Spy several discards from my last relatives upheaval in leaving, load them up to then drop off at Good Will and decide the extra $100 I would go spend on me. I was treating myself to Christmas presents from me…to me! I have my son get cleaned up, he gets his money for gifts he has yet to buy and off we go. A new wheelbarrow, drill, heater for my office, back door rug and a few pretty girly girl intimates. Head home to feed, make supper and watch a movie with my youngest.
Get in the door, and the whining, twisting, pleading starts again. All of a sudden in the middle of this new bout of anger, the tears begin to flow, the huge old story of manipulation, this jagged thread which has been right there just below what I thought was people running over my “no’s” is the culprit. Suddenly seeing it there, fully exposed, recognizing it, literally tasting it as it came bubbling out of the deep festering old pocket held tightly by my training to fit in, be good, be worthy… All healed in the moment of love of understanding, releasing this wound tightly, smothering me amidst the years of tales of others who had bought into there is only one way to do anything.
I love them all, I understand this has been my training, education, schooling, to make me become the teacher, student, trainer, trainee, love and lover I am, each and every moment of every day! Thank you Universe, the tears were healing, especially when I turned all of that love back on my ability to create it all, sort it out, and put it back together in a more loving and understanding package!