Category Archives: Honing

Feeling Good…

IMG_2287 (2)First time in a very long while that the desire to write actually brought me to stop, sit down and just let my fingers follow the awareness’s found today.

This morning found me busy, doing all the things so that everything was in place, and ready for my two Sunday lessons. Round pen watered, horses fed and hayed, all equipment out, available and in place, with a last minute check to see if anything else needed to be done, so that things were just right.

Two hours later, found my students happy, successful, sweaty and glowing with their personal accomplishments. And me in the conflict after scheduling the next set of lessons, even earlier in the morning to avoid as much of the Texas heat as possible.

I was soaked in sweat, hair, shirt, most of my jeans, but at least my socks and shoes were dry and though heavy easy to slip off as I walked back into the welcoming cool of the house. After tending to the washed and watered off lesson horse, to send him and the other two loose for the rest of this Sunday. Aware of the feeling of my every thought, the heat, taking care of all others first, the reality of how great my place looked in perfect order.

Yet I could feel something was off. Aware of the tiredness from last night’s closing shift at 11, in bed by 12 to the early alarm at 7. All of this calculating, planning and double checking… felt off. I got myself some more water, started up a solitaire game, turned on some Abraham Hick’s, to feel the words soaking through my last few weeks of house cleaning to get to the bottom of this peculiar off feeling, permeating my skin at every move.

My eyes became heavy, as my entire body demanded rest, I flipped on a meditation and allowed it to take me away. Awakening to this feeling of recognition of an answer… to find the upside down heart my meditation afghan had formed, tossed off in my body’s desire for super cooling down. The answer ringing in my ears, as I replayed, then wrote out the entire end of the Abraham from earlier to truly let the words sink in, of my “chronic thoughts, that I’m thinking on a really regular basis, that fly in the face of who I really am and what I really know and it’s thoughts like the source within me knows that I am destined to fantastic success and than I am taking score of where I am and doubt that from time to time the source within me knows that there is no competitions. As I sometimes see others in what they are doing as competition and I feel that discomfort in that the source within me knows that what I think I want is still going to expand still further. In other words I haven’t even begun to tap the resources that are flowing to me…”

All of this belief in competition, my opinion of any other, what they are doing, wearing, breathing, speaking trying, becoming or thinking of me. Is not any of my business. It takes me away from feeling good! Away from being enough, better, or worse. It’s a habit of thought brought on by years of buying into “everyone elses opinion” of me matters, so that must mean I must either live up to their expectations or they must live up to mind. How crazy my life has been by believing in standards, trying to fit in, stand out, not fit in or even be seen.

When I felt the satisfaction of remembrance of each and every time I have ever created anything. Always caused, by an impulse, inspiration, awareness, or sudden idea that just “Felt Good” and I followed it. Not caring, not planning, just living fully, completely, in the moment. Reveling in my ability to connect to Source within me. With it’s Guiding, leading, dancing, co-creating the perfect solution for whatever had just caught my attention. To now be viewed in an entirely new way.

I’m back to being just me, doing living by finding and doing everything that feels good! 100 percent just playing and reveling with my fine tuning to be more and more me each and every moment of every day! Everyone else is off the hook to just be who they be!

The Possibilities Await…

By being fully in the moment. One is connected to “All of Life’s” possibilities. To focus on something for a moment is to be aware of it. Acknowledging its place in the scheme of the moment, just not attached to it.infinite

When something so catches one’s attention to narrow the focus into more than just a passing glance, it causes a change in fluidity of the moment. With such continued focusing length determined by how easily it is to classify/fit the now observed point into the moment for the intended desire.

Pinpoint focus is the decision something is so absolute clear, perfectly aligned with all of the intentions…

Or acutely different, out of place, feeling off, confusing, and necessary to understand. The discomfort causing this need to then become a building frenzy of brain activity.

If the cycle is not interrupted as the frenzy escalates, the body goes into an acute stress response utilizing the fight, flight, feed, freeze or faint survival modes.

In my awareness of learning to be present and watching those who are studying for a specific outcome. I now realize my lifelong ability to learn by osmosis, is because I would recognize a need/desire, and “allow” myself to be led by staying present for an answer. Causing my expansion of the ability or outcome to reveal itself to me to do or be an instinctual, confident, comfortable response.

Many students are focused on the “specific outcome they expect to change”. Working so diligently toward the “one thing that if it were different” would quantify their proof of having the perfect solution. Stuck with a specific picture of the intended outcome, “if it were better I would be a success”. Instead of reaching for the desired success which “feels amazing to have accomplished.”

Many of the major discoveries were accidents noticed on the path to something entirely different. Example such as the microwave, pacemaker, post-it-notes, penicillin, and Viagra. Interestingly many of these discoveries actual came about from the feeling of success the discoverer kept reaching for… Accidental success.

The Wright brothers were open to any and everything because their focus was on actual the feeling of flying… not what they were flying in. They lived the feeling of intention successfully flying and they flew… Deliberate success. It’s always a choice!

I ALONE…

thread

Awareness is the key to change. Though actually in my process of discovering what it is I need to change, I have found I can be aware of the things on the surface, and never once have touched the undertow actually running my life. Amazed at discovering there is this place inside where when one is persistently, intently focused on what appears to be happening right in front of them, outside of their control, while an entire slew of subtle old beliefs are actually controlling the current.

The beliefs of who “Am I” usually start with an entire litany of others description of me, as they see, desire or need me to be. Which in the living of my life I have done an incredible job of fitting into just fine, by doing all the steps necessary to make others wishes come true. Yet now, no where in this incredible state of doing so much for so many have I found the entirety of me.

Earlier today I went into meditation with the desire to know what is the core belief that ties all of this stuck-ed resistance together for me to not find myself in either the “glorious picture of success” presented by advertising or the “famous rescuer of the world” from the shamed and blasphemed sensationalism depicted in the news.

Before me danced the many dictates of beliefs I have encountered in the past with each one saying “pick me, look here, notice me”, nodding at their availability, I continued down the rows of my life’s steps, stopping to look, pick up, uncover and examine each in turn. Slowly feeling for the emotion attached or represented by each one.

Noticing something odd, just a little off, barely tangible, almost out of sorts… A single out of place thread, just a wisp poking out of the side, off to the edge, barely visible on some, in plain sight on others, yet it continually looped back and forth between all of the aisles of my life.

As I looked back I discovered there was not one single evident belief that it did not run through.

Interestingly it was the most simple shade of gray. Not flashy, not pretty, not ugly… just there. Small, slim, fine like a spider’s silk, yet resiliently stretching over years and years of the past.

I stopped, walked back, picked it up, truly examining it to see what truth it had for me.

It was alone. It had no others. There was just the one tiny, slim thread. So fine as to seem to be just a tiny thought, buried here, yet in plain sight. Waiting to be found, to be gathered and re-weaved, successfully into my awareness. The biggest change I needed to find, see and realize. My Aloneness!

I alone can change my life. There is no waiting. No blaming. No loss… other than not choosing my taking and owning my own power. The responsibility to own everything I have ever done as the perfect steps to lead me to now.

I have been steadily, slowly, constantly learning, deciding and choosing whether it is to say no or yes to any situation. Because nothing is ever truly wrong, to be judged or challenged. It’s just not right for me. I, Alone, own the choice. I, Alone choose to be more, less or do nothing. But I so Gloriously “ALONE” get to choose. For there is no one else inside who causes me to feel or think. JUST AWESOMELY ME! I am my connection to it all. Every day a little bit more, every moment I choose to be the best me… YET!

Ease, Ooops, and Flow!!


I am at so much of a better place right now, and in most every incident that played major roles in my day. First I will watch and wait at my little stumbling around now that I have eaten, corresponded, read, reviewed and replied to my beckoning horde of situations and emails.
Desiring so much for a day of honing what it is I desire. The Abe’s from last night led me to the one that I posted and then the one after that completely relaxed my mind and sent me smiling off to bed. Set such a perfect, quieter mood for the new duet of my youngest and me, traveling together at 5:30 am. Me for my route, him for a ride to town, to then walk to his Alt School, we drive up, park and then my freedom begins. Not realizing till I have walked away from him toward my bus, how much I treasure my space, my aloneness. Then quietly in my mind, thanking him for this discovery, I start the bus and feel my way forward.

First my coffee stop, then each one of the three students picked up in turn, miles and miles apart, all the while just reveling in this tiny, yet so important piece of me. I drive, enjoying the darkness from the thick cloud covering, with only the headlights extending out on my path toward my first school. Marveling in the realization of the many times I have heard Abe speak of this same thing, just going by the beam toward one’s destination. At 7 I call his phone to make sure he is up to walk the 10 blocks to school. With no answer I hope he is awake and already gone, but being a mom, I call the dispatch to check and make sure. He’s gone, I relax and just enjoy the ride, and the feeling my day forward.

Get home, feed, and decide to check on, fill and take care of all the fluid reservoirs on my truck. Well aware of this last weekend’s rain, cancelled a lot of my cash clients, but I know I will find a way. I always do. With that thought, I close the hood, walk inside and my phone rings. The lady whose name showed up mistakenly scheduled for this week, instead of two weeks ago when it was raining. Is on the phone, am I available to come to her place for lessons with the horse that just went home. Amazingly I am, my normal pre-paid Monday’s lesson canceled cause her trailer is stuck in the mud. So I give myself an hour, change clothes, grab a second layer because of the misty on and off rain. Swing into the local station to fill up and my card is declined. Hmmm I double check my gas gauge and know I have enough to drive to her town and back.

Get there 30 minutes later, and as I drive up, the horse is already saddled being worked on a lunge line, pitching and giving her handler an interesting display of bravado. I walk up and talk him into breathing, till she calms down. Then step in and help him learn about her and himself. Explaining how she “knows” he’s nervous, easy to tell as she drops her head the moment she feels my energy now holding the rope. I teach him about how this little lady, by being a mustang, is going to teach him so very many things about himself, and what is really going on inside, no matter what he tries to show the world. So for the next two hours the dance begins. First he timidly leads, and she dances all high and mighty. Then I explain about breathing, how loose or tight he holds the rope, how by watching her ears if she is focusing on him when she bucks, or by the flicking backward and tail clamping is there something underneath her that because she is jumping and pitching her little fit while he does nothing but stare. Allow her to be in charge, all because of his uncertainty from being such a new novice to handling horses.

The entire session is about relaxing, being confident, calm, assertive, and comfortable no matter what goods she tries to sell him. Finally the last thirty minutes, he gets so sure of his ability. He can get her to go from walk, to trot, to walk, to lope, to stop…just by her following his voice and his body stance. He is happy, improved, and comfortable. His boss is grinning, cause she knew this filly was going to be nice, and she knew her handler was the right one for this job and getting better every day. I grin, I get paid and head to the bank to find out what gives with my card.

There is an enormous unknown debt, I talk to the banker, get out some cash from the deposit, get fuel, groceries and head home. My mind is tracing back over the last couple of weeks and times that I used the card.  A couple of thoughts cross my mind, but I am waiting for her call back. When she does, she explains I will have to cancel the card, come in fill out a fraud report, and get a temporary one tomorrow. I begin reflecting, where this has come from, while at the same time my mind is honing down the road, steps I will now implement in the future. As I am constructing my future ideas, I suddenly just start laughing at how great this is to happen now, while I only have small amounts of funds in my bank. Allowing me to pre-pave new habits, before the big stashes of cash arrive…I so love my life!.

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