Category Archives: Hope
Awareness is the key to change. Though actually in my process of discovering what it is I need to change, I have found I can be aware of the things on the surface, and never once have touched the undertow actually running my life. Amazed at discovering there is this place inside where when one is persistently, intently focused on what appears to be happening right in front of them, outside of their control, while an entire slew of subtle old beliefs are actually controlling the current.
The beliefs of who “Am I” usually start with an entire litany of others description of me, as they see, desire or need me to be. Which in the living of my life I have done an incredible job of fitting into just fine, by doing all the steps necessary to make others wishes come true. Yet now, no where in this incredible state of doing so much for so many have I found the entirety of me.
Earlier today I went into meditation with the desire to know what is the core belief that ties all of this stuck-ed resistance together for me to not find myself in either the “glorious picture of success” presented by advertising or the “famous rescuer of the world” from the shamed and blasphemed sensationalism depicted in the news.
Before me danced the many dictates of beliefs I have encountered in the past with each one saying “pick me, look here, notice me”, nodding at their availability, I continued down the rows of my life’s steps, stopping to look, pick up, uncover and examine each in turn. Slowly feeling for the emotion attached or represented by each one.
Noticing something odd, just a little off, barely tangible, almost out of sorts… A single out of place thread, just a wisp poking out of the side, off to the edge, barely visible on some, in plain sight on others, yet it continually looped back and forth between all of the aisles of my life.
As I looked back I discovered there was not one single evident belief that it did not run through.
Interestingly it was the most simple shade of gray. Not flashy, not pretty, not ugly… just there. Small, slim, fine like a spider’s silk, yet resiliently stretching over years and years of the past.
I stopped, walked back, picked it up, truly examining it to see what truth it had for me.
It was alone. It had no others. There was just the one tiny, slim thread. So fine as to seem to be just a tiny thought, buried here, yet in plain sight. Waiting to be found, to be gathered and re-weaved, successfully into my awareness. The biggest change I needed to find, see and realize. My Aloneness!
I alone can change my life. There is no waiting. No blaming. No loss… other than not choosing my taking and owning my own power. The responsibility to own everything I have ever done as the perfect steps to lead me to now.
I have been steadily, slowly, constantly learning, deciding and choosing whether it is to say no or yes to any situation. Because nothing is ever truly wrong, to be judged or challenged. It’s just not right for me. I, Alone, own the choice. I, Alone choose to be more, less or do nothing. But I so Gloriously “ALONE” get to choose. For there is no one else inside who causes me to feel or think. JUST AWESOMELY ME! I am my connection to it all. Every day a little bit more, every moment I choose to be the best me… YET!
So I got the coffee on, checked with my youngest that was up, about what he wanted for breakfast. He stated he would feed and do the chores he missed yesterday in coming home to late way after dark. So I fixed me a cup, grabbed a banana, pulled up my emails, then read and responded to the blogs I found posted at BLC.
Had a message from an old friend about her liking my blogs after I shared this: http://mydesiresblog.blogspot.com/ on Facebook yesterday. Right after I posted my most recent blog. As I was reading her response, I noticed the friend I had thought about earlier was currently on line, so I had a quick comfortable chat with her over all the positive changes I had seen on her postings. She informed me, she to had checked out my blog site and enjoyed what she saw, exclaiming “you really should do a book”. I thanked her, as we both had other stuff to do, said our goodbyes and signed off.
I felt so good about where I was at and the positive feedback I was receiving. I got the impulse to send the link to my blog to all in my email contacts. It was such a simple easy thing to do. Then I contacted my lesson’s mom, we discussed the wet weather and decided we would see how the day, rain, and ground progressed to maybe do it later. Called the other friend from my morning thoughts, had a wonderful catching up session, another cup of coffee, where I found myself cleaning. First just the few dishes, then the counter, then I found myself pulling up the shades, washing the windows and sills. Imagining my Christmas tree there in the corner fully decked out to be viewed from the alcove facing and front windows. My youngest surprises me by walking in carrying all the lights to be tested out, replaced and used, evidently his mind on the same wavelength. Suddenly I can feel these last few weeks of change between him and me, bearing fruit, the ability to work, play and think as friends and family. All the allowing the outside world slowly back in, now that I have a more solid view of me…by me.
Then I feel this nagging thought of discomfort, not sure what, just there. I take a shower, truly enjoying the warmth of the water, considering ideas for today’s writing. Many come, but nothing I feel real solid, or sure about. So I just meander, slowly, easily in my unexpected morning off. Comfortable in my pajama pants and an old shirt, sat down to play the same game as yesterday, searching for this uncomfortableness that was becoming more noticeable by the moment. I am on level five, with no rhythm, no timing, just all disconnected, hurrying, or maybe trying to run away from something? I let the thought just sit there while I played. I struggled with the same level at least four times before I identified what was the culprit behind this current discomfort. Now, like a crazed, scared animal, I was pacing, my heart was pounding, and my senses were all extended, my hair standing on end. Just because I had put me out there to share with those whose view of me I knew. The moment I found where it came from, my playing ability changed, I began to relax and have fun because “I stopped judging myself” for whatever reaction sharing my blog might bring. I discovered I was giving my power to be okay with my writing to me… away in what had felt like the next logical step. I had shared me with a world I had chosen to withdraw from. Withdraw from so I could find and be, real, alive, and just all of me, I was finding, reviewing, and re-becoming. I evidently was still feeling a little uncertain, a little trepid, a little…little, bitty, timid… what might they think or say. The phone rang. I jumped. I answered it to find tomorrow’s lesson, rescheduling because of the weather for later in the week. My youngest came in, offered to pay for the show if it kept raining and I had to cancel the rescheduled lesson. I took a breath; played for a little while longer, suddenly discovering I had gotten so back in touch with listening to me I had actually completed all of the levels and won.
We checked the outside conditions. Water still standing in huge puddles everywhere and a huge one in the center of the arena, so I called, cancelled and to the show we went. For us to be amused, taken in, entertained and uplifted with a great kids flick. We then got fuel and drove over to buy groceries. After reading the few emails on my phone that had come in while we were at the show. I went to get out my seat snapped, plummeting me into the back seat. As I was figuring out how to fix my temporary dilemma, I became aware of this being the third seat to come apart in the last few weeks, wondering what is up with that. We quickly went through the store, filled our list, then checked out and while he put the bags in the truck, I discovered a pole in the floorboard fit perfectly to keep the seat upright till we got home. My mind playing through the sudden physical reaction to one of the emails about my blog and the ensuing collapsed seat.
I drove, seeking for an answer, made it home, unloaded groceries, and fixed the seat, all the time writing stories in my mind. Then, the very one that came out so quickly and easily as I “Sat” down here to write to me so I could watch myself write and realized “I WRITE FOR ME!” Because it is the only way I can comfortably and easily sort through all of the stuff that comes in, from others of their opinion. I’m the one who chooses to put myself out there, trusting and knowing I am okay. I am still on a little shaky ground with all of this. I don’t have it all figured out yet, but that’s okay, I will figure it out, I usually do, and I am the one who lives with me, loves me, supports me…more than anyone else. And that alone makes it PERFECT! The peanut gallery may have opinions, but they don’t wear and have the same size, style, kind or form of clothes, much less body that I do. Deep breath…in…out…
My mind warped, my heart beat rose, my whole physical being tightened. As I felt my body reacting so very strongly, I allowed my mind to start allowing other memories to surface, recall, and find resonance with the sensations of such strong fear, definite uncomfortableness and immense displeasure. Also thinking back over what had happened in the last week, something small, that I might have asked the Universe for some help with, now coming to the forefront with all the other things I have managed to pull out, re-weave and work into a new more comfortable picture of my life. Several small snags came quickly to the forefront, followed by one or two tiny, small things I had done this morning. So I played, felt, figured out, allowed, let go, and just found the pieces, one by one showing themselves. Disfigured, misplaced, misunderstood, and often tangled up so very tightly in the old picture/description of me found in all the people I have met, consorted, counseled, debated, argued with, and listened to. By burying my true authentic self, layers, upon layers, deep under their opinions, away from me. I played on while thought after thought found me. The pulsing of my heart, the tightening of my gut over this feeling of time, must get it done now… what done? I asked, memories washing over me of not enoughness, someone might know, might recognize me, remind me of my place…what place? I asked, as the years ago memories of correction, schooling grades, courses taken, and degree’s expected. Sudden feeling of total stomach distress, things spinning out of control… there are rules, there are guidelines…What the hell are you kidding? Just about the time I felt I went to far, to fast, was pushing to hard. I felt the relief…as my body realized I was truly listening, understanding, caring about it, myself first.
Then the answers came as I found myself wading through the fears, accusations, and concerns at each and every stage of my life, where it had been misplaced, hidden from view in some incident from my past. First to be addressed, the not time thing for me to be or do something different. I explained to this little kid with a list of the ages one makes a decision as to why and what one does in life. Carefully untangling and challenging the choice of age, as passion and love have neither, they are all encompassing with joy and fun in being paid for the recognition of either in the finished product. Then the missed opportunities for the right guidelines , rules and regulations understood in the degrees one obtains and shows in their wall papering’s honored by those who toe the mark. My body relaxed a little, sitting up straighter, listening. I held myself close, showing the care of withdrawing a splinter way to deep, severely festered, aching with fear… knowing I had been writing for years, to great abandonment. Until shared or discovered by another with different taste and views… I am writing to love, honor, listen, and understand myself better, to be shared with those in like circumstances who desire answers who are on the same kind of path. Felt the room stop heaving, my breath easier, slower. But you’re a trainer, coach, counselor, bus driver there’s no time left it will take forever, you waited to long… I took a deep breath, I listened to my heart, I followed myself all the way deep inside, found the college student in love with words, the bookworm, the your taking more English, are you crazy? The girlfriend, date, wife and mother…who do you think you are??? Miss Britanica!! I laughed, a small simpler knot, not as old as the others, definitely woven tightly, backward, out of place a few rows to the wrong side. Deftly, softly, and lovingly undone. Rethreaded the needle, carefully placing the now warmed by new understanding thread, in a place of honor in my rapidly changing picture of me. I can do this, I can do it my way, I know the time is right, I know that I am guided, believed in, aided, assisted, and supported. I know this because I love me, I am listening to me, and I am a powerful creator! It is time!