Category Archives: Listening

The Possibilities Await…

By being fully in the moment. One is connected to “All of Life’s” possibilities. To focus on something for a moment is to be aware of it. Acknowledging its place in the scheme of the moment, just not attached to it.infinite

When something so catches one’s attention to narrow the focus into more than just a passing glance, it causes a change in fluidity of the moment. With such continued focusing length determined by how easily it is to classify/fit the now observed point into the moment for the intended desire.

Pinpoint focus is the decision something is so absolute clear, perfectly aligned with all of the intentions…

Or acutely different, out of place, feeling off, confusing, and necessary to understand. The discomfort causing this need to then become a building frenzy of brain activity.

If the cycle is not interrupted as the frenzy escalates, the body goes into an acute stress response utilizing the fight, flight, feed, freeze or faint survival modes.

In my awareness of learning to be present and watching those who are studying for a specific outcome. I now realize my lifelong ability to learn by osmosis, is because I would recognize a need/desire, and “allow” myself to be led by staying present for an answer. Causing my expansion of the ability or outcome to reveal itself to me to do or be an instinctual, confident, comfortable response.

Many students are focused on the “specific outcome they expect to change”. Working so diligently toward the “one thing that if it were different” would quantify their proof of having the perfect solution. Stuck with a specific picture of the intended outcome, “if it were better I would be a success”. Instead of reaching for the desired success which “feels amazing to have accomplished.”

Many of the major discoveries were accidents noticed on the path to something entirely different. Example such as the microwave, pacemaker, post-it-notes, penicillin, and Viagra. Interestingly many of these discoveries actual came about from the feeling of success the discoverer kept reaching for… Accidental success.

The Wright brothers were open to any and everything because their focus was on actual the feeling of flying… not what they were flying in. They lived the feeling of intention successfully flying and they flew… Deliberate success. It’s always a choice!

Advertisements

Hello!!! What is this???

first responderAfter all this practicing of learning to meditate and focus… and doing an incredible job of it. “Except…”

My inner being feels much louder now that I have found the way to quiet so much of the old programs from others which use to have control over most of my attention.  The false old belief that fitting in was important. Making others happy by saving those in pain, despair, woe or whatever other drama they brought to the forefront of my attention to their neediness was the solution to being or having it all.

The voice spoke again, just a whisper as it knew I was listening…

You did so well last night, the pain that woke you about four this morning. You got up, took something for it, rearranged the bed, even turned the heating pad on low, to go back to sleep and wake up feeling fine.

Then the phone message ding… Need ride! Son hurriedly texted after checking to see if you were awake. Both of those texts you just answered. There was no focus. No thought as you read what was texted to sense inside for your feelings, then think and feel for the best answer for you.

First responder habit still has dibs on you!rescuer

No excuses seemed even a little bit plausible, as I felt the beginning of discomfort in my head. Then I grinned. The very discomfort I was feeling, was also the key to me allowing my inner self access to my attention again… from when moments before I told myself I was “having” to finish playing all of the players shown waiting in the queue, then I could go blog about what I’d discovered was true for me with the judging, focus, and looking away outside to others habit, taught in manifesting living the “perfect life”.

Softly the voice went on… Meditation was learned to quiet your mind. Focus was to learn how to hone in on “one” thing at a time. Awareness was to learn thoughts and feelings are partners in creating anything. All of these can create the most simple or complex creations when they work together.

Allowing was to learn and realize that judgment divides. In giving up deciding right from wrong, the focus is no longer outside of you. Everything is just choices to choose to continue to look at and create more of, or let go of to allow new thoughts to experience in.

The conversation with your son went better. You allowed him the choice of ranting on about all the things impossible about his transportation situation. Faced it straight on and gave him two choices that worked perfectly for you. Both required him to step up and figure out the best answer for him, from inside himself. No band aids, no hand outs, no exceptions. It’s his life.

It took for you to starting to feel physically off, stopping all of the excuses of your own “outside attention others first awareness” to feel for what you, all of your body needed. You slowed down, turned off the game without finishing it. Closed the browser, just sat with yourself, to focus on what would feel best… right now. Got quiet. Waited… to see the bottle of medicine in your mind, the amount to take with water. Then after taking care of yourself. Sat down and allowed the words to flow…

Damn… and now not only do you feel better… you finished a blog. Good Job!!!

I love this new way of tuning in to me, listening to what I am telling myself. Actually hearing all of the crazy, justifying statements that were almost silent roadblocks in any of my own movement forward. Loving when I’m in a focused state, fully invested in the experience and aligned with what is going on in the present moment. I am not worried about the outcome or any means to an end. I am learning how to be present and move with intention in caring about all of Me! Congratulating, praising and honoring all of this which is coming from within me, to me, for me. It’s so powerfully changing, honing and improving every aspect of my life.

Wow!!! Apologizing Who’d of Thought…

cryingTears streaming down my face in apology, with no one physically present to have to apologize to. For something so simple that “I thought” I had unwittingly created a problem because I didn’t read all of the rules… After I received a polite reminder from a group I’m in.

When the feelings first came up of… shame, guilt, admonishment, reprisal??? My first thoughts started to run, I mean truly run off down that old bunny trail habit of beating myself up for my “mistake in not getting it right”… by accident.

Oh my God, who did I think I was?? I was just sharing, assisting, unasked, but coming from my best intention of the information being shared was valuable and might be of use to someone, besides just me.

When the second thought thankfully, quickly filled my mind… Cry, scream, bawl!!! React to exactly how I feel at this moment. For God’s sake woman, let it out, please don’t you dare stuff it again. Get in touch with all of yourself. That is what this moment is trying to teach you.

Don’t you feel it. Doesn’t it feel off? This reaction. This habit of thinking when someone else is just trying to reach out to let you know that you missed a turn. You went a block past your street. There is something here for you to learn. Your okay. It’s just a new step for you to choose, a new way to respond. A new better feeling belief to put in place, to replace a yucky old one that has been gumming up your reactions for years.

Ahh!!! The relief in actually listening to my thoughts and then truly finding what I am feeling as I have the thought. Something so simple as to actually respond to myself. By feeling, becoming present, honoring “my reaction” so I can find a new, better, feeling way to respond to each present moment.

Funny thing in being, in my allowing myself to be fully present with me just now. Was finding out how to fix one of the frustrating things about learning this new Office program. Where before I was inadvertently going from “insert mode” to “overwrite” mode and in not knowing how to fix it. I was just choosing to work around it, not understanding and scared of what I might have to learn… to utilize it. The answer now presented itself to me, as I was willing to be open to new possibilities to my “old reactive feeling thoughts”. By being open, actually acknowledging what I felt to be present in me. Allowed new possibilities in my life to show themselves now that I could actually see what I was doing to myself. Things are always working out for me when I allow, listen and feel for my inner guidance, present, in the moment.

Weed Eating the Bull Nettle…

“Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” ~Helen Keller

bullnettleI never would of thought that bull nettle could be so full of the information that I have been asking for clarity about. Yet, here I was out in the amiable Texas 96 degree weather, slowly, deftly moving from plant to plant on the top 2 acres of my property.

Not having rain on this clay/sand hillside was allowing growth only to the magically deep taproot system that allows this plant to flourish amid the heat. Much like my deep rooted desire to know the truth in my questioning of off feeling beliefs, that wonderfully keep surfacing for me to examine and change or discard completely.

I had noticed in the last few days the raggedness of the sparse growth of grass in any but the shaded areas, with the contrasting greenness and size of the scattered nettles out on my riding area. Trusting the impulse to more easily weed-eat them than drag out the big mower. I easily fired up my machine and started trimming away, when I felt this huge download of thoughts from the questioning earlier of my belief of why I “use to so easily do for others first”.

Old belief “because I’m supposed to take care of others first, helping those less fortunate because I perceive them as helpless.” Flip side “I assist others as I guide them into finding their own answers as I now choose to see them as confident and able, when they find information they get from answering their own questions filtered back to them”.

This was followed by a new understanding about instant gratification and manifestation. Caused from the circumstances of several of my clients in the last few days, whose children, friends or family would either physically, by text or by calling. Break in at a crucial part of the lesson, for the parent to stop, fix, buy, console, or delegate whatever the other needed, so they could continue “their lesson on their time”. Followed by personal awareness of when I use to do the same in shopping with my kids and “buy them something” so I could think, finish shopping and have my peace back. Highly aware of how much I used to mentally beat up on myself for giving in to them.

Now I see that as a learned habit, but at least I allowed myself to buy my own thinking privacy back. Even when I handled the beliefs of “their my kids, family, friends, they don’t understand, I must take care of them first, because they won”t love me” if I don’t.” The buying was a perfect instant manifestation for me…  I never celebrated that I did momentarily take the heat off of myself. Albeit temporarily, I had an out, a little relief, I did have a solution to a huge bevy of taught beliefs about my children, spouse, coworkers (fill in the blank) coming first.

This peace I find in physical work, especially since I tackle the “real work” the kind that makes you sweat, get dirty, stinky, smell, break nails, soil and wrinkle your clothes. The kind unless paid, threatened or begged… everyone mysteriously vanishes. For me to contentedly, accomplish the task at hand, and allow my mind to focus. My perfect self-taught way for those millions of other thoughts to be held at bay… My learning  how to allow only in that which assist me in the task at hand.

I am so proud of me. I have been secretly meditating for years with working… playing with my dreams, accomplishing consistent daily steps toward my goal. Alone!!

So gloriously now in full awareness of my learning how to get more and more in touch with my inner guidance, to follow impulses, to do these little movements forwards, by reading just a page in a book, just a quote here, a glance, then movement to readjust a bucket. Pay attention to my horse’s ear because someone is approaching, notice the response in my clients of the frustration of how to stop their child’s onslaught need for attention. Finding the ability to focus, notice, and assist on the real nature of the question not voiced. Where does one’s power begin…

Finally fascinated with how many words, phrases, and excuses I use to believe held the key to personal power. How much it use to frustrate me to find a book, lecturer, video, or series that would just go on and on and on. And my mind would scream “To Many Words, simpler is better”. I was just taught (and believed) it was rude to honor my true feelings. I needed to explain myself, and this whole list of and for others. Instead of one simple, poignant word… NO! One word that is simple, yet powerful, and to the point “NO!”

Saying No to another… is such a big YES to SELF!!

I ALONE…

thread

Awareness is the key to change. Though actually in my process of discovering what it is I need to change, I have found I can be aware of the things on the surface, and never once have touched the undertow actually running my life. Amazed at discovering there is this place inside where when one is persistently, intently focused on what appears to be happening right in front of them, outside of their control, while an entire slew of subtle old beliefs are actually controlling the current.

The beliefs of who “Am I” usually start with an entire litany of others description of me, as they see, desire or need me to be. Which in the living of my life I have done an incredible job of fitting into just fine, by doing all the steps necessary to make others wishes come true. Yet now, no where in this incredible state of doing so much for so many have I found the entirety of me.

Earlier today I went into meditation with the desire to know what is the core belief that ties all of this stuck-ed resistance together for me to not find myself in either the “glorious picture of success” presented by advertising or the “famous rescuer of the world” from the shamed and blasphemed sensationalism depicted in the news.

Before me danced the many dictates of beliefs I have encountered in the past with each one saying “pick me, look here, notice me”, nodding at their availability, I continued down the rows of my life’s steps, stopping to look, pick up, uncover and examine each in turn. Slowly feeling for the emotion attached or represented by each one.

Noticing something odd, just a little off, barely tangible, almost out of sorts… A single out of place thread, just a wisp poking out of the side, off to the edge, barely visible on some, in plain sight on others, yet it continually looped back and forth between all of the aisles of my life.

As I looked back I discovered there was not one single evident belief that it did not run through.

Interestingly it was the most simple shade of gray. Not flashy, not pretty, not ugly… just there. Small, slim, fine like a spider’s silk, yet resiliently stretching over years and years of the past.

I stopped, walked back, picked it up, truly examining it to see what truth it had for me.

It was alone. It had no others. There was just the one tiny, slim thread. So fine as to seem to be just a tiny thought, buried here, yet in plain sight. Waiting to be found, to be gathered and re-weaved, successfully into my awareness. The biggest change I needed to find, see and realize. My Aloneness!

I alone can change my life. There is no waiting. No blaming. No loss… other than not choosing my taking and owning my own power. The responsibility to own everything I have ever done as the perfect steps to lead me to now.

I have been steadily, slowly, constantly learning, deciding and choosing whether it is to say no or yes to any situation. Because nothing is ever truly wrong, to be judged or challenged. It’s just not right for me. I, Alone, own the choice. I, Alone choose to be more, less or do nothing. But I so Gloriously “ALONE” get to choose. For there is no one else inside who causes me to feel or think. JUST AWESOMELY ME! I am my connection to it all. Every day a little bit more, every moment I choose to be the best me… YET!

Where’s the Heart..

Wasn’t sure just where to start… figuring I would let it flow and see what came about in my awareness of living life with the Heart I now find at the very edge of each and every thought. As I have been soaking up the newness of change… in my own beliefs, words, and realizations from others experiences so lovingly shared and found when one searches. Necessary from my previously unknown tendency to take “to heart” and become what others needed me to be so they might be happy.

Thankfully, whenever I last wrote here, a few days later I was sent a notice that another person was following my blog, so I went back to read one of the post they liked. Which led to my reading two other post I had written months apart, yet basically just loops of the same place I was struggling in. I stepped back. Tried to look around to truly see as best possible of where I was. To start clearing, cleaning, changing and feeling for what was it I was truly “Wanting”!

This last weekend found me deep within connecting to my self in an entirely new profound way. I was looking into my own eyes, feeling my focus for what I saw… was I truly looking inside of me, or just at the physical aspects of me? How was I thinking? From the thoughts of what my looks were or where my looks were radiating from…

IMG_0105

I have a new 3 ½ year old filly. The first day I went to see her I had a flash of intuition of who she truly would become. Loaded her up and she came home with me. Starting with… vet, wormed, chiropractor, farrier, 60 days ground work of her consistently “taking directions”… noting how aware she was of guarding her right side. Slow, careful, consistent 21 days under saddle.

Day 22… noted how old the earpiece on the bridle was (to be changed later). Which found me hard on the ground minutes later, after her panicked run into the fence when the bridle broke at the buckled spot and she tried to get away from this swinging piece near her eye. I “panicked” by physically making sure we did not run through the fence as she started to collide with it. Once turned she immediately unloaded her once confident rider, and two jumps later as I am refilling my lungs with air. She turns and walks back up to me with reins and bridle dangling from around her neck to find out what was so scary.

Healing is a mental thing, I knew I had missed something… I stopped and went back to the start, with slow, observant ground work. When I happened to reach over to the right side of her face where the bridle gave and found the still, very acute panic that had been apparent in her at the beginning. That which I had “obediently trained” her past. Suddenly having a very strong memory of my ole man “Chic” and the fear so strongly present in him when I first finally got to own him, and the months of slow, careful, conscious time earning his trust. Realizations of who I was and what I have been missing in my assisting others to change, all of these many years later after he died.

I forgot the Heart, Soul, and Look of Eagles when the light goes on because another knows you are listening to “ALL” of them. Seeing another as who they see themselves to be. Not who others think they should, could or ought to be.

Acutely aware of the time I went to a rodeo type event when I first moved back here and won 5 of the 7 events, placing 2nd in the others because I had to learn them minutes before competing. So relishing the comrade of being noticed, talked to and “accepted”. Highly aware of the one common comment “What I did was awesome BUT how much faster I would be when I learned to do it like they all did!”

Basically I went to clinics… untaught, untrained and disciplined myself to obediently follow the guidelines, finding the winnings getting less and less. Unless I started a beginning rider or horse with my self taught basics. From which they would start winning, only to be enticed to other stables so they could fit in and “Really Win”. I’d lost my own heart, trained it obediently away and didn’t even know it.

Thankfully I have never given up, just learned to slow down, start over and examine “everything!” Which blissfully led to this last weekend with my three different horses, now with a heartfelt connection to me, as I am looking and treating them as full valuable partners. Allowing them to know we are doing this together, step by step. The reward in their letting down, letting in, and amazed at the immense physical releases of their years worth of just “being obedient” yet having no real say in the partnership.

The run, run, hurry, hurry, everyone wants it now! Why aren’t you riding, trotting, loping, winning or on them yet demands. I had bought into the outcome, quantity, and “other peoples” wants for the mount to be just ridden and controlled. Their horses obediently following directions and going through the motions.IMG_0322

Not the quality and class of bringing the whole horse I am so capable and available to assist others in finding. The “Look of Eagles” in their eyes in full partnership, each a full half of the team. The team that sparkles and shines because of the connection of being powerful beings “Together, calm, connected, confident, classy, full Partners in Heart.”

Begin Again…

Caleb

The last few years I have sparsely written, as I had chosen the path of true self-discovery. Much like the weaver of a blanket who discovers in their almost completed project a couple of twisted out of place threads, which could have been just snipped, untwisted and replaced. Yet who knew instead there was much more to be gained in going back, completely undoing the months and years of work, to slowly… with new found awareness, patience and complete love of self to a place of truly knowing who I am worth to choose to rework the entire weave.

The last couple of years here in this small Texas town that has weathered the destruction and reconstruction (for me such a perfect outward expression of my inner journey) a tornado, straight line winds, massive rainfall, and just recently the edge of a hurricane, the eye passing within thirty miles to the east of here.

My oldest son changing jobs, buying his own place and settling into his current phase of life, whilst my youngest graduated, worked a series of fast food jobs, before finally finding work he truly, currently, enjoys. Including his moving out in the last few weeks as part of the series of learning the value of being on his own, which amazingly accompanied my own realization of how much of my life had been programed to taking care of others first.

In reweaving my life’s blanket, the threads I have gone within to find were all of the beliefs given to me by well-meaning others, the media, society, any and everything else that has attempted to tell me who I am so that I fit their idea of me.

I had just about found my way back to the first third of my life’s blanket the month after my youngest graduated last year, when I discovered this strange lack of activity in my routine. In puzzling over the difference as I continued with my “normal” routine, when the awareness of what the something missing was finally found me. For the first time in 24 years I did not have to “run” to school, the store, and the office to report, fix, repair, replace or return anything in assisting my boys in getting through school to be the somebody’s society expected.

I found myself bathed in the uncertainty of who was I really? I had this enormous list of things I was doing to fit into being “who I thought I was supposed to be”.  Followed by slowly, carefully, daily, unthreading, unwinding, and sorting through the colors of beliefs, ideas and suggestions that I had learned to believe were supposed to be me. Thus utilizing yoga, exercise, diet, reading, and listening to a variety of authors as I allowed myself to actually discover, be content, and happy, by doing whatever I truly desired.

It took this last year with lots of alone time with the horses, the cats, the dog, myself, this place with its amazing views and the assortment of clients for me to see the reflection of who I had been, who I could be, who I was… always vividly portrayed by the situations I would see in front of me.

I have learned what the horses have shown, taught and instilled in me, as my truth. Everything is a result of what I am vibrating, feeling, being and expecting. There are no exceptions. It took almost stripping myself bare, learning to listen to every single thought, really feeling every feeling, awareness to every word I spoke aloud to finally realize I had created my entire life, no exceptions! If I truly desired change, I would have to be as aware in my moment to moment activities of my mind, body and beliefs, as I am when I am fully aware in handling and working with anything new.

There are no idle thoughts or feelings. Animals are gifted that way. They feel their way by living fully in each moment. There is no worry about tomorrow, or yesterday. Only this moment exist.

All of my old habits of thoughts as to what another thinks is okay or right… have been the walls of the prison I held myself in by thinking that I have to be some particular way to have a life, much less my life.

I am in such an amazing place of awareness and appreciation for everything I have ever done. I KNOW I can say no and not give a rip about anyone else. Because I truly am the only one who creates in my reality. I am really for the first time in forever knowing and loving who I am, what It is I desire, and who I comfortably, completely, thoroughly enjoy being and becoming more of. I am in love and at home with myself.

Is it time…

down-tiggerI have spent the last few mornings opening and perusing my many uplifting emails from others. Always easily deleting the off-key nonessential ones that always contribute to my ability to choose what I allow into my mind. For me to find myself opening an email from another like to my blog which has been lying dormant, as the new seeds of certainty slowly spring to life. Opening up the husk of long held close reverence to the confidence that I have been fanning from a tiny old spark, to this consistent rising flame of life!

Life from beneath the ashes where I once quelled, lying shaken and afraid from my allowing a well-known critic (in my circle) to slash my last book attempt to fragments for “My Way” of connecting to others from my learnings with people and their horses. Allowing another’s power of “their” opinion to have any say whether I was good, or not…

So I retreated…

Deep inside to the murky waters of doubt that seemed to be so warm, safe, comforting…

Only to discover they were only concealing the truth of how truly powerful and awesome I was to those who needed and understood the view “I” was coming from. They are the ones whom I write and share for. There are many who might critique, complain and condemn my ways… But they are not of importance to me, except for how they remind me to look forward at my ability. Never back to the old ruts of OPO (other people’s opinion) that use to be the trap I so easily fell into.

This morning’s email being the third time this week that I have received thanks and likes about blogs that I had previously written months and years ago. Before I finally was caught in the deep old waters of fear that so easily encourage me back to their depths for the false safety of doing without movement forward, just resting in the their dark, murky depths…

No…  I choose to rise!

Just this last week I went from just riding, interacting, and socializing fully with my horses, especially “Charlie” and my students. I am fully embracing, loving all of life again with biking 2 miles and walking 1 mile every day. Now finding myself, feeling amazingly alive because I choose to believe in myself, in my ability and right to do things my way in everything I do. Knowing and trusting those who need what and how I write, will find this to be blessed, encouraged or just amused at how easy it is to just “breathe”, take “baby steps” and the world will support you being fully true to Yourself! It is always Time!

 

 

 

 

In Sync…

Tree at dusk

What a word to wake up to, after having the cat jump up on my bed sneakily attacking any movement I made as I slowly stirred from several previous attempts to go back to sleep with just the short 6 hours accomplished from when I first crawled into bed.

As I lay lazily trying to distract the five pound kitten from his feed or play with me mode that was intruding upon my morning attempt to visualize my day’s programming. I felt this insistent urge to actually move, get up, readjust the heating blanket to just slightly warm and then go feed this persistent animal whose main focus is himself, right “NOW”.

After getting the kitty fed and crawling back into the warm covers quickly pulled over my head to block out the morning light, so I could lay in meditative thought over the words and phrases that were wandering through my mind. Slowly forming a more solid awareness over the cause of the last few weeks of the various ups and downs in my weight, my finances and my relationships, well aware of how all of this was a message to myself.  A simple form of communication as I have been trying to tune back into of the synchronicities happening “to me” to find the threads that weaved them all together into the simpler flow of life I have been seeking to find.

Realizing I have been trying to get “In Sync” with me, with each of these tiny little forays in the various directions after I would have a thought which formed into an actual desire made manifest,  just not quite what I was aiming for.

Though I was getting “literally” exactly what I was requesting. Every one of the manifestations had these “flags” with them, that I ambled right through, over and around, which is so easy to say now in my looking back. Yet the thing is, even though I subconsciously knew this, I continued on because “wow” I caused this by asking for it, so this must be “the answer”. Now realizing I am great at getting exactly what I ask for every, single, time. I just need to be really aware of what I truly am thinking or saying to myself.

The request for a tall, artistic, lives close, is interesting and fun… was those, but… texting instead of talking, etc??? Re-worded the request for conversation, someone to talk to… I then received an evening phone call that was male, cowboy, single, finds me intelligent, listening, but… all about him, no investment for anyone else, much less me. Discovering as I would randomly and just as quickly re-word my request for a preference. I would just as quickly manifest a response. Now realizing how much I need to slow it down, really start to listen to my thoughts and my “whole body’s” response to them. And damn if I didn’t notice I am not in full sync with myself… yet.

But that’s okay. Because I am here, writing it out, stepping around it, looking at all that “I” created and applauding myself on how fast “from my mouth to God’s ear” or more of my thought to my creation via the Universes response.  Aware now of the power in every chosen thought, word, and idea that I do so powerfully teach and share for others by assisting them in hearing what it is they actually are saying, versus what they thought or intended to mean. I am really, really fine tuning me to be “In Sync” with all of me, slowing down to “Think and Feel”, “Feel and Think”.

This instant manifestation thing happens to each and every one of us every moment of the day, we just have to be aware of what it actually is we are asking, requesting, and thinking about. Our sub-conscious takes everything we think, say or do into consideration.  It is not particular, segregated or prejudice. It loves us and believes every single idea, thought, belief and feeling we perpetuate. It is at our command… Hmmm… I love it “All of me” truly, truly matters.

DING, DING, DING…

2013-09-19 19.05.08

The light just totally went on!!! The post I just read thinking’s spilt out onto the page for me to find. So fitting with the short delving into the book “Thick Face, Black Heart” and my last two intense weeks of reading, listening and meditating on both Catherine Ponder’s and Florence Scovel Shinn’s works. All of which I had been allowing myself to just be still with this morning for me to put all of this introspecting together with the discovery of a manila folder labeled with my oldest son’s name in a pile of what I had assumed were my boys grade school works of art. But instead of finding his stuff, there were safely all of my poems, drawings and writings. About my desires, wish, hopes, and dreams that I placed in this folder from out of my wish book, right after I crashed back in 2007 and I had thought all hopes of ever achieving were lost to me… To be found 2 days ago in my thoroughly cleaning out and discarding, bags and boxes full of old stuff. Which I have truly dug through and honestly looked at with the eyes and heart of do I need, desire or even mildly like that which now sits in front of me to see.

Interestingly enough finding these works of mine came right after reading in the book Dynamic Laws of Prosperity “Begin now by first asking yourself just what it is that you honestly desire most in your life. Be specific; be definite, and sincere with yourself. Then write down your dominant desires. Thereafter, declare in privacy, without telling anyone what you are doing, the divine fulfillment of your desires.”

Fascinated because these are my dreams…that I had shelved, hidden, even obscured from myself, except when one of the poems would briefly come into my mind for a second and I would try to remember all of it and then became afraid that maybe it was all of that dreaming had caused my dis-ease in the first place. Yet now, today looking back, I realize my being sick came was because I shared them with others who… I had allowed to change, correct, or minimize “My Deepest Desires” until my inner being had had enough of this lifelong tug of war of trying to “FIT IN”.

I have discovered in the last few months of introspect… that all of these teachers, writers, yogis, and gurus I have spent the last seven years following. Are just giving us their versions of how they accomplished things to have “their” lives work for them. We are all made as individuals looking for “Our own unique Signature and Style”!

Even now as I edit this, I am aware of the subtle hints my own inner beingness has been whispering to me as I have been persistently searching for my own direct connection. Noticing signs, slowing down to feel is this part of the trail, or is this the full deal. Much like when I find a new recipe that appeals to me, and as I am tasting, imagining and smelling the final results in my body. I find sometimes as I begin to read what I have printed out and go to the kitchen to see how many of the required ingredients I have on hand.  I will espy a spice, or condiment I can substitute because I have almost all of the other ingredients, instead of stopping, running to town and buying the few other things I might need. To then find a better, tastier and many times awesome upgrade that is perfect for me.

By Jove I think I have this! As I walked around this morning raking hay and the metal handle snapped. My first thought was hmmm… then in my mind’s eye I remembered all the various sized pieces of scrap pipe in the barn. Took the rake in, found the pile, and rummaged through it till I found a perfect fitting piece. Then cut both the new internal extension to the right length, the rake handle open, rebending the flattened pieces, slipped in the extension now garnished with QuikSteel weld. Followed by a wrap or two of duct tape to allow usage of it until it can be taken up to the schools welding shop with my youngest son for his class tomorrow.

I am always guided; it just has been such a struggle to believe in myself… again. Because before I never really trusted or believed in me 100% all of the time, I so bought into the sideshow of life that tried and very successfully convinced me I didn’t have the right stuff. Except for when all of a sudden I was doing what minutes, days, weeks, months before I had been told was impossible… Hurray for me. I am beginning to confidently and consistently hold my own in a world full of other people’s opinions about life and doing it all My Way!!

The Godly Chic Diaries

Smiling • Writing • Dreaming

Learning to Thrive

“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." - Carl Jung

simplisticInsights

Simple made easy! psychology love feeling emotion thought behaviour success strategy

J. Ricci Energy

From where you are now, to where you want to be

Love. Life.

It's simple, yet powerful.

Eddie Two Hawks

Seeds of peace planted within yourself sprout everywhere

Pam Grout

#1 New York Times best-selling author

The Creator Writings

transcribed by Jennifer Farley, ThetaHealing Instructor/Practitioner

Source of Inspiration

All is One, co-creating with the Creator

Seven Spheres

Aqua Terra Ignis et Aer

bhardwazbhardwaz

Knowledge and Happiness(K&H) multiples by dividing it. More you share, higher and bigger they grow.

Russel Ray Photos

Life from Southern California, mostly San Diego County

HeartSphere

Conversations with the Heartmind

Simple Pleasures

Visual Poetry, Photography and Quotes

writeshianwrite

The thoughts in my head.

Cat's Place About Horses and Heart

Observations Of My Horse Handling World