Category Archives: Love
The last few years I have sparsely written, as I had chosen the path of true self-discovery. Much like the weaver of a blanket who discovers in their almost completed project a couple of twisted out of place threads, which could have been just snipped, untwisted and replaced. Yet who knew instead there was much more to be gained in going back, completely undoing the months and years of work, to slowly… with new found awareness, patience and complete love of self to a place of truly knowing who I am worth to choose to rework the entire weave.
The last couple of years here in this small Texas town that has weathered the destruction and reconstruction (for me such a perfect outward expression of my inner journey) a tornado, straight line winds, massive rainfall, and just recently the edge of a hurricane, the eye passing within thirty miles to the east of here.
My oldest son changing jobs, buying his own place and settling into his current phase of life, whilst my youngest graduated, worked a series of fast food jobs, before finally finding work he truly, currently, enjoys. Including his moving out in the last few weeks as part of the series of learning the value of being on his own, which amazingly accompanied my own realization of how much of my life had been programed to taking care of others first.
In reweaving my life’s blanket, the threads I have gone within to find were all of the beliefs given to me by well-meaning others, the media, society, any and everything else that has attempted to tell me who I am so that I fit their idea of me.
I had just about found my way back to the first third of my life’s blanket the month after my youngest graduated last year, when I discovered this strange lack of activity in my routine. In puzzling over the difference as I continued with my “normal” routine, when the awareness of what the something missing was finally found me. For the first time in 24 years I did not have to “run” to school, the store, and the office to report, fix, repair, replace or return anything in assisting my boys in getting through school to be the somebody’s society expected.
I found myself bathed in the uncertainty of who was I really? I had this enormous list of things I was doing to fit into being “who I thought I was supposed to be”. Followed by slowly, carefully, daily, unthreading, unwinding, and sorting through the colors of beliefs, ideas and suggestions that I had learned to believe were supposed to be me. Thus utilizing yoga, exercise, diet, reading, and listening to a variety of authors as I allowed myself to actually discover, be content, and happy, by doing whatever I truly desired.
It took this last year with lots of alone time with the horses, the cats, the dog, myself, this place with its amazing views and the assortment of clients for me to see the reflection of who I had been, who I could be, who I was… always vividly portrayed by the situations I would see in front of me.
I have learned what the horses have shown, taught and instilled in me, as my truth. Everything is a result of what I am vibrating, feeling, being and expecting. There are no exceptions. It took almost stripping myself bare, learning to listen to every single thought, really feeling every feeling, awareness to every word I spoke aloud to finally realize I had created my entire life, no exceptions! If I truly desired change, I would have to be as aware in my moment to moment activities of my mind, body and beliefs, as I am when I am fully aware in handling and working with anything new.
There are no idle thoughts or feelings. Animals are gifted that way. They feel their way by living fully in each moment. There is no worry about tomorrow, or yesterday. Only this moment exist.
All of my old habits of thoughts as to what another thinks is okay or right… have been the walls of the prison I held myself in by thinking that I have to be some particular way to have a life, much less my life.
I am in such an amazing place of awareness and appreciation for everything I have ever done. I KNOW I can say no and not give a rip about anyone else. Because I truly am the only one who creates in my reality. I am really for the first time in forever knowing and loving who I am, what It is I desire, and who I comfortably, completely, thoroughly enjoy being and becoming more of. I am in love and at home with myself.
When you think you know what it is you do and suddenly find yourself fully engulfed having fun changing lives in ways you never quite imagined or have ever explained to another…
In the last few weeks of my working with horses and their owners I was suddenly, almost magically transported to a keen insight into what it is I am actually doing in my “supposed” line of work as a horse trainer/coach. I am a transformer.
I have owners bring me their problems… horses, fears, ideals and dreams. Their horses that have stopped working, are barely moving, running away and are in conflict with what is being expected, or are totally refusing to “behave”.
I evaluate the communication between horse and rider, finding the clues to the mistakes. Many times because the horse’s body is out of alignment. The owner’s timing is off. The horse has never been asked or taught how to move in ways that are comfortable much less correct, and with no idea of how to ask with the rider’s body for the expected results with their horse.
I assist people in learning to connect in the horse’s body language of communication, how much difference it makes to a horse to move in a way that the horse can flow in any direction that is desired when the person asking is in the right place. Even more so to be able to bring to the owner’s awareness that many of the horses brought to me have been started or handled by well-meaning individuals who are not aware of what incredible mimics’ horses are. That every minute you are handling a horse you are teaching it something! What you do want or what you don’t want. For horses focus and live in the now, they are not thinking of ten minutes ago, are where they will be tomorrow.
Their focus on present is so keen, that if they are asked to move in any way that causes the one moving them to stop moving. They accept the non-movement as this last movement they have done was the right answer.
I have had three horses in the last four days that are older horses, who have no idea how to lope confidently on the ground with a lead attached, much less under saddle. These horses all show the signs of being ridden by people that had no idea that everything they asked a horse to do, even if it put the horse’s body out of balance. It had to be the right answer because one of several things would happen. The horse would stop moving, slow down to a more in control speed, the rider would stop pulling, yanking, kicking, lose the rider, or would quit and put the horse away. Many times selling the horse because they didn’t know how to fix the problem they had created.
I assist owners in becoming aware of how everything going on with their horses is a reflection of something in the owner’s confidence in communication. Horses and their owners’ bodies are evaluated, for chiropractic, feet, emotional and communication abilities. Many times as in the present horses… I go all the way back to simple, basic baby steps. In assisting the horse to find trust in my ability to ask with the right feel and timing for the best answer for the horse, then by showing and teaching this to the rider to start a whole new form of communication. Teaching and coaching both with their ability to understand and work with each other to change the habits that have brought them to me.
Always I watch with fascination and joy as a horse learns to lose the brace from frustrated, fearful handling because of all the misunderstanding in trying to figure out what is desired of them, and that it is possible to do these movements in a much more comfortable and easy way. I show both how to communicate comfortably, safely, and effectively in a way that they both understand and can feel that they must move as a team, each one’s job is to be in a position to assist the other the best placement of their bodies, so they can now find a new way to react that feels and works better for the both of them.
Many times taking former “washed up, bad, blown up” horses, and frustrated, fearful riders. Back to performing winners, comfortable, and confident companions, by getting all to slow down, communicate, trust and “ask” each other to be the incredible partner they had both been seeking and believing possible when they first came to me. I love my job, the people and the horses that grace my life.
What a word to wake up to, after having the cat jump up on my bed sneakily attacking any movement I made as I slowly stirred from several previous attempts to go back to sleep with just the short 6 hours accomplished from when I first crawled into bed.
As I lay lazily trying to distract the five pound kitten from his feed or play with me mode that was intruding upon my morning attempt to visualize my day’s programming. I felt this insistent urge to actually move, get up, readjust the heating blanket to just slightly warm and then go feed this persistent animal whose main focus is himself, right “NOW”.
After getting the kitty fed and crawling back into the warm covers quickly pulled over my head to block out the morning light, so I could lay in meditative thought over the words and phrases that were wandering through my mind. Slowly forming a more solid awareness over the cause of the last few weeks of the various ups and downs in my weight, my finances and my relationships, well aware of how all of this was a message to myself. A simple form of communication as I have been trying to tune back into of the synchronicities happening “to me” to find the threads that weaved them all together into the simpler flow of life I have been seeking to find.
Realizing I have been trying to get “In Sync” with me, with each of these tiny little forays in the various directions after I would have a thought which formed into an actual desire made manifest, just not quite what I was aiming for.
Though I was getting “literally” exactly what I was requesting. Every one of the manifestations had these “flags” with them, that I ambled right through, over and around, which is so easy to say now in my looking back. Yet the thing is, even though I subconsciously knew this, I continued on because “wow” I caused this by asking for it, so this must be “the answer”. Now realizing I am great at getting exactly what I ask for every, single, time. I just need to be really aware of what I truly am thinking or saying to myself.
The request for a tall, artistic, lives close, is interesting and fun… was those, but… texting instead of talking, etc??? Re-worded the request for conversation, someone to talk to… I then received an evening phone call that was male, cowboy, single, finds me intelligent, listening, but… all about him, no investment for anyone else, much less me. Discovering as I would randomly and just as quickly re-word my request for a preference. I would just as quickly manifest a response. Now realizing how much I need to slow it down, really start to listen to my thoughts and my “whole body’s” response to them. And damn if I didn’t notice I am not in full sync with myself… yet.
But that’s okay. Because I am here, writing it out, stepping around it, looking at all that “I” created and applauding myself on how fast “from my mouth to God’s ear” or more of my thought to my creation via the Universes response. Aware now of the power in every chosen thought, word, and idea that I do so powerfully teach and share for others by assisting them in hearing what it is they actually are saying, versus what they thought or intended to mean. I am really, really fine tuning me to be “In Sync” with all of me, slowing down to “Think and Feel”, “Feel and Think”.
This instant manifestation thing happens to each and every one of us every moment of the day, we just have to be aware of what it actually is we are asking, requesting, and thinking about. Our sub-conscious takes everything we think, say or do into consideration. It is not particular, segregated or prejudice. It loves us and believes every single idea, thought, belief and feeling we perpetuate. It is at our command… Hmmm… I love it “All of me” truly, truly matters.
The light just totally went on!!! The post I just read thinking’s spilt out onto the page for me to find. So fitting with the short delving into the book “Thick Face, Black Heart” and my last two intense weeks of reading, listening and meditating on both Catherine Ponder’s and Florence Scovel Shinn’s works. All of which I had been allowing myself to just be still with this morning for me to put all of this introspecting together with the discovery of a manila folder labeled with my oldest son’s name in a pile of what I had assumed were my boys grade school works of art. But instead of finding his stuff, there were safely all of my poems, drawings and writings. About my desires, wish, hopes, and dreams that I placed in this folder from out of my wish book, right after I crashed back in 2007 and I had thought all hopes of ever achieving were lost to me… To be found 2 days ago in my thoroughly cleaning out and discarding, bags and boxes full of old stuff. Which I have truly dug through and honestly looked at with the eyes and heart of do I need, desire or even mildly like that which now sits in front of me to see.
Interestingly enough finding these works of mine came right after reading in the book Dynamic Laws of Prosperity “Begin now by first asking yourself just what it is that you honestly desire most in your life. Be specific; be definite, and sincere with yourself. Then write down your dominant desires. Thereafter, declare in privacy, without telling anyone what you are doing, the divine fulfillment of your desires.”
Fascinated because these are my dreams…that I had shelved, hidden, even obscured from myself, except when one of the poems would briefly come into my mind for a second and I would try to remember all of it and then became afraid that maybe it was all of that dreaming had caused my dis-ease in the first place. Yet now, today looking back, I realize my being sick came was because I shared them with others who… I had allowed to change, correct, or minimize “My Deepest Desires” until my inner being had had enough of this lifelong tug of war of trying to “FIT IN”.
I have discovered in the last few months of introspect… that all of these teachers, writers, yogis, and gurus I have spent the last seven years following. Are just giving us their versions of how they accomplished things to have “their” lives work for them. We are all made as individuals looking for “Our own unique Signature and Style”!
Even now as I edit this, I am aware of the subtle hints my own inner beingness has been whispering to me as I have been persistently searching for my own direct connection. Noticing signs, slowing down to feel is this part of the trail, or is this the full deal. Much like when I find a new recipe that appeals to me, and as I am tasting, imagining and smelling the final results in my body. I find sometimes as I begin to read what I have printed out and go to the kitchen to see how many of the required ingredients I have on hand. I will espy a spice, or condiment I can substitute because I have almost all of the other ingredients, instead of stopping, running to town and buying the few other things I might need. To then find a better, tastier and many times awesome upgrade that is perfect for me.
By Jove I think I have this! As I walked around this morning raking hay and the metal handle snapped. My first thought was hmmm… then in my mind’s eye I remembered all the various sized pieces of scrap pipe in the barn. Took the rake in, found the pile, and rummaged through it till I found a perfect fitting piece. Then cut both the new internal extension to the right length, the rake handle open, rebending the flattened pieces, slipped in the extension now garnished with QuikSteel weld. Followed by a wrap or two of duct tape to allow usage of it until it can be taken up to the schools welding shop with my youngest son for his class tomorrow.
I am always guided; it just has been such a struggle to believe in myself… again. Because before I never really trusted or believed in me 100% all of the time, I so bought into the sideshow of life that tried and very successfully convinced me I didn’t have the right stuff. Except for when all of a sudden I was doing what minutes, days, weeks, months before I had been told was impossible… Hurray for me. I am beginning to confidently and consistently hold my own in a world full of other people’s opinions about life and doing it all My Way!!
These are my morning thoughts that came together for me after I opened up FB to the first thing I saw after all of my reading, realizations, conclusions, and imaginings from the last four months of 2013. To a post from someone in one of my groups where they ask about “naming one’s Higher Self Wanna Share yours , go on I dare ya Mines’s always been Huey, my daughter thinks I am disrespectful to God but how can I be, He and I Are bonded baby, as One and where did I get my sense of humor from but from The One, what’s his is mine . Ok thats all folks ” which I then realize about how I used to talk to mine/myself, all the time until last August when finding out about how to utilize imagination from the works of Neville Goddard. For in all of this contemplating and absorbing of this Neville theorized information in the last few months, I suddenly realized that every time I find any new interesting or profound information… I stop talking, listening, and paying attention to my own inner guidance.
Then I suddenly remembered that I distinctly talked to mine before meeting the cowboy and his daughter Friday on my trip down to the nearby arena. Which coincides perfectly with my recent asking and finding, studying and going through all of Neville’s talks listed in order and finding the pieces/peace in me. Where I had asked myself/God in me…”Where is all of this leading? What is it I need to know? & How can I help or assist another?”
Especially since earlier this morning I looked up Neville’s Wikipedia information (which has to be considered in who has updated their take on him most recently) to become aware of where his line of thoughts, the way and time line they changed/evolved to then “know” that the habitual stumbling blocks for me are
- In teaching others how to ride, I have observed when we think, we stop breathing and feeling. When we know something, we just do it; it is now our new nature of habit. Otherwise we think, think, & think, muddying up our own thoughts, getting all tangled up in the process of understanding from another’s perspective. Which we will never entirely be able to see from their same standpoint, because we are not exactly like them.
- We as human’s have been bombarded with in our learning that we “have to” learn how to do something “the right way” (verses feeling the right way for us). A great example comes to mind: If I bite into something that is (unbeknownst to me) hot, nasty or incredibly out of my idea of what I expected it to taste like. I spit it out first, then try to figure it out at the same time I am usually trying to wash out my mouth for a feeling of relief. Instead of holding it in my mouth, and thinking what is this incredibly bad tasting thing that I am eating.
In sharing my name for my higher being I stated the following “Mine’s name is God…but not like the worshiping from afar. He is my best friend and I have been talking to him for years, but until I read this post… I never thought about a “name” for him (since his energy represents my male energy) I just talk to him, confide in him, love him as I know he does me… then I thanked the poster for allowing my friendship with him to be seen in a whole new amazing way… I so love when I can clear up my viewing place!!!”
Putting the entire scenario of this new realization into use by replacing my old habit of thinking if someone knows more than me, then I must need to study and catch up. With the choices of Neville’s line of thought of just imagine I am already accomplished at having figured it out, or I can read to feel for the comparison if the new line of thought coincides with where I am at in my understanding of does this feel true for me. Finding that I am now reading Neville’s works in order of his evolving, instead of the just reading the book I was told would explain it all to me if “I studied and studied it like the presenter had”.
All of this experience has given me back both my ability, desire and right to talk to myself, listen and trust my feeling of “I am always able to know the right things for me at any moment” when I take the time to feel if it is good… go ahead. If it causes me the least little doubt… check it out, go slowly, feel for the parts that resonate with me and ditch the rest. If it feels bad…”DUH” walk away, saying thanks, but No Thanks! This last learning experience has been so much freaking easier than I ever was led to believe and definitely not at all in the direction I originally expected of some kind of amazing, magical secret to change my life. Just the solidifying of knowing and trusting in myself, my inner guidance… to give up all of the buts, what if’s and just turn within… to always feel, think, know and believe in my own ability for the right answers for me!!
Talk about bringing in the New Year with a lot of magic and possibilities… as this last week has been an opening of letting go of all kinds of past issues, problems, old worn out items and habits. Starting off on Christmas day when one of my sisters came for a visit where we sat, talked, and shared lots of old history with an openness to hear each others view point and perspective. Allowing me to see many things in entirely new and different ways than I truly ever imagined, as I became conscious of many other layers of our family life than can be really felt or appreciated when one is in past that time warp of surviving, living, or going through the experiences of growing up.
I was so glad to have this time of learning about our past through the others different eyes and point of perspective adding to the information garnished in the last two months of being able to have private, honest conversations with all of my three sisters. Which granted me the ability to realize we all are going through something, which was impossible to see from any other place than where we each were, until someone opens the door to invite the truth from another without any one having to fear or suffer repercussions from actually opening one’s mouth to let “it” all out… which seems to have the added marvelous benefit of healing old assumptions as the new clarity falls into place.
I have in the past week… made Christmas a fantastic, fun, sharing experience with lots of money left in the bank. Putting up my old truck for sale, selling both the body and the engine to two different individuals. Had several last minute gift certificates for lessons show up and found “My New Truck”. Which is literally the truck on my wish list from 2004, its white, four wheel drive, diesel, super cab, with headache rack, grill guard, bumper with hitch towing package, gooseneck ball, work package,and $500 under book value. With only 125000 miles, decked out like the photos in my phone and on my walls… I am so glad my truck quit or I would not have been looking and found my dream truck within ten miles of my place.
To add to all of this fun and mayhem, one of the dating sites that I have had my profile on for several years but only have been frequenting to see where I am at vibration wise by the types of men I attract. To be pleasantly surprised by a letter of explanation of my slim selections of offered possibilities because of my not participating in a feature to browse through the selected men who fit my overall search choices, which by so doing means I just get to quickly peruse, choose yes, no, or maybe, and the computer then takes into consideration my actual, individual choices, to compile a more accurate group of men to then direct my info to. Which as I was sitting there, happily, comfortably narrowing things down, this email from the site pops up, to then find me engaging in an extremely fun exchange with a man who seems to once again fit so many things on my wish list from back in 2004.
It is like, by the decision of me to so thoroughly get involved with the process of taking full responsibility that maybe all of my beliefs needed to be gone through, examined, tossed if no longer applicable, changed if uncomfortable, and added if the new thought had never, ever occurred to be possible much less true for me. Thus then allowing God/The Universe the ability through the now widened gap of potentiality to bring me so very many things I was so stubbornly clinging to only being possible by doing it in the fashion I was taught to believe was right for me. Even though many of those ideas got me to this point, it’s that turning just a little in one direction or the other I could suddenly see gems of possibilities that were so hidden from me, by so many well-meaning people I have known who’s caring about me, I so thought meant they had the last word!
Wow, I am so excited to find myself here, expressing my joy in learning to observe, share, and examine the world from the broader perspective of, is whatever I am believing “true for me, Right NOW!” 2013 is a whole new year of exploration and adventure with a new truck, clean slate, and new beliefs that I can toss the moment they no longer hold true. Bless all of you who have followed, shared, and enjoyed my previous growth as I continue toward finding the best in every, fully alive, moment to come.
Woke up several times this morning before I actually decided to hone in on my thoughts, the ones that were rapidly swirling, evolving and becoming this insistent urging to get up and write it all down. Allow the keyboard to assimilate the evidence, align the possibilities and arrive upon the answers I have been moving steadily toward since a challenge I answered at BLC in November of last year of putting a goal out in public view, therefore having to actually commit to honoring my words to myself. Or quitting, giving up, throwing in the towel and just leaving things as they were… which to anyone who really knows me that is not an option.
Last night at our family Christmas party I received many things from my constantly being generated anew list, as I participated from a different feeling, more centered, more aware, totally new set of eyes, and ears. Listening, observing and participating from a perspective of “Lord, what would you have me see? How can I help? and What do I need to know?” as I watched the evening unfold as the various participants arrived, each one clothed in the reflected image I most needed to see about myself. There were the reflections of love, caring, fun, interest, hunger, sadness, distance, anger, hate, frustration, selfishness, weariness, and fear, all present in different packages, groups, ages, sexes, and beliefs.
Showing me the various paths I have tread on the road leading up to this reconstructing of who I am. This morning’s first thought was of me as a giant two sided jigsaw puzzle put together many years ago by caring hands who were following the instructions dictated to them by the slowly evolving generations before them. No one, ever, intentionally meaning to do any harm or wrong. They were each trained and schooled in the life path they had found themselves upon, no better or worse, just life as it is, as it unfolded around and before them. Taking the necessary steps of survival, understanding, caring, learning, and sharing that were part of raising a little girl, who though not by intent had several of the pieces in my puzzle that I use to think were missing, I discovered had just been put in the wrong place many times with the opposite side facing up. As I watched last night’s presentation of players in full view from my now broader perspective of the niggling question I have been struggling with over the haves and have nots, why me, when’s my turn and what else do I have to give up or away for someone else.
Suddenly having spring to mind the last half a dozen horses to come to me for training or re-rehabilitation with almost all of them showing symptoms of the right shoulder, left hip’s in ability to move easily and effectively. I had been pondering how I have the same issues…just the opposite side of my body. When the light went on, a mirror reflects the opposite of what’s being viewed. So all of the people in the room were reflecting back to me parts of me, hidden from my ability to perceive, from being so stuck on crazily asking the same question and expecting different answers. Aware of the incident with my youngest son’s dog crazy barking experiment just several days back. Where when he would not stop yapping, but instead of yelling at him to stop, I started focusing on when he was silent. Keeping my attention firmly on the spaces of quiet, fascinated at how easy it was to choose, yap or no yap to focus on, to find within minutes without ever looking at him, I suddenly found the peace I sought, both with the dog and myself.
I decided to implement this with much success, as I won the game of the evening, had my gifts delight the recipient, no struggle, no hurry, just slow deliberate choices. Found several of the felt like drama about to unfold till I chose to focus on a smile, the baby playing, the flavor of the food, or remembrance of the morning’s lesson with the new horse. As I took the time to be aware of what I was seeing, then feeling, I could then choose to do focus elsewhere and it would all change just as quickly. I became aware that all of these what felt like ugly, festering wounds were only coming up to be examined for the pieces they were of my own puzzle, unfortunately at some time, hurriedly jammed, stuffed, or forced into place by my learned perception at the time. Just needing to be taken out, reexamined and then place where they really did fit, were loved and appreciated.
There has never ever been anything missing, except for my lack of understanding, inability to step back and know, much less see a bigger picture, taught and learned from others who were doing everything in their power to assist me to get to today. To find the peace(piece) in every moment as I now carefully flip, turn and lovingly reassemble, reconstruct and rebuild all of the myriad pieces of the new found love of understanding of the world that is always reflecting the answers I seek. As I even examine, and rearrange my very bases of support, so very proud and appreciative of all of the talents, and tools I have acquired and now share in my exchanges with any and all others who ask as I help to reflect back their true worth and abilities to help themselves too!
This last week of observing, examining and figuring out where it is I am now headed, has had me fully aware, awake and conscious of my almost every moment. As I surmise, watch and listen to the signs found everywhere, now that I have uncovered, worn-out, or turned off all of the old engines that have been silently in many cases running my life. Old habits and patterns diligently worn, tried, trusted and in many cases feared… it’s just the way life is.
Funny how well I have learned in this last week to appreciate that the Universe really does have my back. I just have been forgetting to get out of the way and take my fingers off of the reins as I kept trying to force all kinds of things that were unnecessary or the really long way around to finally get the expected results. So as I thought about my truck, my sudden view of freedom of having to get something new. I was amazed at how quickly I found I had always had this awesome pocket on my person to put any request into that I could not find an answer to, and named it my God Pocket.
I asked about words I was uncomfortable with. I was told to simplify, break them down into little definitions. Search through anything anybody else thought about any word till I found two things. First would be my understanding or usual definition, then would come as many other definitions as I could find till I found a new way to view what might have been a long standing rule of application, now turned to a more “me” way of understanding it.
As I was playing with this redefining of old paradigm’s, I was graced with a new horse to start. She is pretty, young and proud of herself with her ability to have things her way. She came in deciding to set up shop by her rules. Not noticing, anything, except the places she intended to investigate. Suddenly aware of if I followed her sight line, she became stronger, more willful. Reminding me of working cattle, where if one keeps their eye on just the head, the body will make rapid departures in almost any other direction, Keeping this in mind, I set my sights on her chest, allowing my peripheral vision to note any movement out of sync with what I was asking for and within moments, I had this marvelous willing partner.
Not being one to let the Universe’s wonderful enlightenment to go to waste. I began to apply what I had learned toward my fellow human beings, especially my youngest. To be greeted with the most bizarre, displays of agile, vocal, antics any and every time he desired anything that he has not earned. I suddenly discovered all of those old silent machines of habits from my past, had been thoroughly coloring my reactions to so many what used to feel like unimaginable attacks on my sense of sanity, as I felt a total loss of control of my rights.
I found this ghost, phantom, imaginary specter that I know I created, by my habits from growing up as a youth. I could suddenly see my gift of gab relative, whom many listened to out of imagined respect for the extreme plethora of knowledge on most any and all subjects. The hands waving, the voice getting louder and more imaginative, as the tempo increased to keep the audience enthralled as they came up with the solution that sounded so plausible and possible… until one would check it out and discover the hot air that seemed to accompany the drink.
Fascinated how well the lesson with the young horse, was so easy to apply to my son. As I kept my focus on the center of his body, letting the waving hands, the extremes in voice, the wild stories of desire, attitude and unusual reasoning that was so trying to inspire me to spend what he had not yet acquired in funding. Amused even further, when I watched him go into an almost temper tantrum… that stopped even faster than it started when I caught him looking to see where my focus was. Hmmm I know I so love my ability to observe, listen, learn, and apply in this much quieter, grander world of the moment I now choose to live in.
Last Wednesday, after some 585,000 plus miles, my diesel truck’s engine finally called it quits. It started fine earlier that 32 degree morning and took me to the bus yard, where I turned it off and parked it to await my return trip home. To find when I returned, turned on the key enough to then do the customary wait for the glow plug light to go off, then turn the key completely to start my truck and be greeted with the sound of clunk, clunk, rattle, rattle as it tried to unsuccessfully start.
I quickly turned it off, knowing full well what the sounds coming from under the hood signaled… my long time trusted, and loved ride needed more than financially makes sense. I called my oldest son, deeply saddened, voice quaking as I left a message. To then call my closest friend, who offered the extra truck they had till I could figure something out, as I would now need to actually step up to invest in picking a new truck from the few I had been making inquiries and gathering information about.
Funny how after the initial shock of about an hour or so, I felt this much needed sense of relief, as if so old heavy unforeseen weight/wait was attached to my sense of responsibility to my old ride. There was this feeling of freedom, like all of a sudden I could have my life any way I truly choose to. As I thought about what would truly excite me…
Getting up to having breakfast served for me, something different each morning, by exploring all the exotic recipes in a cook book, or living with someone who likes to surprise me with imaginary cuisine three days of the week and I provide the selections on the other 3 taking one day off to sample some place new, different, in a distant city?
Going out to start my day with a flavored experimental new hot beverage as I meander in my morning chores of feeding, cleaning pens and sharing the list of ideas for the days resume of well-paying clients for their lessons in horse handling, body and foot care?
Occasional visits to other horse establishments for group lessons, practice runs, trials and competitive adventures, many horse related, some air, some water, some just plain exploration?
Answering emails, texts and viewing videos from distant clients who pay for my discriminative, expect observation and suggestions for changes in the posed questions of the situations presented.
A man to live with…
Who is tall, talented, fun, focused, fit, friendly, inquisitive, inquiring, sharing, coaching, teachable, amused, content and entertaining? He is fascinated with life, confidant, able, healthy, funny, attractive, and sociable with a life style that compliments and enhances the relationship. Kind of healthy, wealthy and wise, mechanically inclined and mentally stimulating, with a klutzy appealing aptitude to find the good in at least trying something new each month.
Money that flows in from…
Working, playing, training, coaching, competing, thinking, writing, imagining the most impromptu ideas that cause expansion of thought and mind.
Intrigue me, encourage, invite and tantalize me with their response to my handling, teaching and then learning from them.
A vehicle that…
Is spacious, efficient, comfortable, classy, unique, and affordable that is easy to own and maintain to handle anything that is needed, necessary or just plain fun.
With a house/cabin, fireplace, clean, comfortable, different and elegant in its simplicity, with a spacious view, easily accessible to clients with the privacy to play on the days of rest.
Opening my arms to embrace…
The unlimited possibilities of the Universe as I now let go of the fears of asking for what I truly deserve and trust that any and everything is now possible in this new wide open playing field… of freedom from my yesterdays.
All this aggravation about being told what to do, almost at will from various people with different ideas of how I “should” be spending my time, what I need, and how I am to go about it. At the same time I have been catching myself in my attempt to get away from this nagging feeling of restlessness after accomplishing several other things as I again, sit at the computer trying to win the same level for the last week or so. Accompanied by old voices in my head raining down on my playing a game instead of doing something much more productive, “times a wasting” there has to be something else I could be doing. All of this self-talk about being unproductive, which truly makes me conscious of my extreme work ethic, caused by the chorus of old critics in my head that now has become extremely loud and apparent with the clearing off of another few layers of habits.
“Enough, enough, enough” I rally at the stand I have to take with myself. I was so hoping for a slow, easy, leisurely weekend that started off so well last night with getting the tree up, lights on, two-thirds of the way decorated after I made new wreaths for the front gate and the door to the office. Still in a blush over the wonderful remarks from the man in the checkout counter who had mistook me for being much younger from my bustling about the store as I gathered the materials to finish the Christmas preparations. It may have been just a flirting way to get acquainted, but it was so nice to hear a truly Southern Mississippi drawl this far south in Texas, and he definitely made my night.
So to wake up to an argument going on within myself, over what I was responsible to do today and the rest of my weekend, just so set the tone for this frustrating, stubborn lack of movement I was so experiencing. The softness and feel with the horses has become so much of a revelation of how one should ask, wait, listen, and then respond. Making me more and more aware of how when I was growing up, we were told what to do. Expected to be seen and not heard. Not asked for permission, just given ultimatums and the consequences if we failed to follow suit. Noting even when I speak to my youngest, I can feel myself flinch and change in mid-sentence if I feel I am demanding first. Not asking in a simple format for what it is I might need assistance with.
This even doubly so after the site I had thought I lucked into for more readers of blogs like mine. Till I got the 3 days of avalanches of unsolicited emails about everything that is offered or written by others on that blog, as I found my email box crammed with over 15 to 25 hits a day. The good news is I have suddenly become aware of the latest trend of sharing my address for purchasing some service and now they solicit me for all of their fantastic, must listen to friends. To find myself almost screaming inside “Your not the boss of me,” I get to choose and I know how to say no or push the spam key.
All of this speaking wonders about what a doormat I use to be. How much I thought behaving by being nice, taking care of, saving or putting out everyone else s imagined forest fires of drama put me so far in the back of the line. I couldn’t hear myself yelling at the top of my lungs “It’s okay, they all can really take care of themselves” Guidance is about giving directions, setting examples, showing how well you can take care of yourself, then giving them the ideas of tools they might use to fix things for themselves.
Wow, being back in charge when you’ve always given that power away. This is a whole new dance, but I suspect I am so up to it, and so freaking deserving…It is about time.