Category Archives: passion
Ahh… the simple question of a child. The ten year old at lessons yesterday so intent on getting right the timing with her horse, stopped suddenly in tears of frustration. “I’m so stupid!! She’s not even trying to listen to me and do what I say. We are never going to get this right, I don’t even know why we come here. Stupid horse, stupid heat, stupid ground. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Ms Cat why do you even come out here with us?” Tears rolling down her face, in the 96 degree weather on a hot Thursday afternoon in Texas.
With only attempting one new move, a tiny shift in her posture to re-learn after my noticing her growth spurt of the last few weeks. After taking the time to adjust her stirrups and explain how it would help her sit and feel better. I told her “just takes a little while to get used to”. Watching her face as I demonstrated how those 2” of adjustment were now going to allow her to be able to sit deeper in the saddle, to feel her horse up under her. She would no longer be crouched forward in trying to keep her stirrups in place caused by her growing legs adjusting to fit in the saddle, instead of adjusting the saddle to fit her.
All the excitement of “hope” that this would be the cure-all for the problems found in the last few weeks since her previous lesson, showing in her face after the adjustments were completed. She proceeded to walk through the simple warm-ups she has been learning, to see if the little mare was following her feel. Listening, turning and moving together easily and smoother than minutes before.
Smiling from ear to ear she moved into the trot… for it all to seem to come apart. The horse dropping in to turn, the small hands trying to compensate with all of the thoughts running through her mind of “what it was she thought she understood she was trying to do”. By the third attempt all of the tears, frustration and indignation surfaced from all the time her mother said she had been working on it at home. They came boiling to the surface in the tirade that ended in the needed to be answered question.
I let the tirade run its course. Looked at her and asked “Why do you think I am still out here with you?”
She reached down petting her horse and apologizing to her for being so darn stupid and mad. Then looking at me, took her hand made it into the letter L (I use here to symbolize learning) held it at the front of her head and said “Because you love helping us to learn! You care about having fun. Fun for me, my horse, for you and that we are comfortable, confident and safe!”
And… I queried? “Baby steps!” Suddenly her face lit up as she remembered, “Ms Cat this is what practice is for, so I can learn it slowly, for it to become easy for me and her. I don’t have to get it perfect, just improve a teeny, tiny, bit, have fun, be safe and breathe!”
I then asked her “What do you think is wrong?” As she sat there thinking for her answer. I watched as the tension was released in first her fingers, then her body as she became more relaxed in the saddle. The mare’s head dipped, the reins became soft, with a cocked her hind foot as calmness returned.
“I don’t know… can you explain it to me better?” I thought about the maneuvers she was making and where I saw the improvement might be made, and then I asked her to explain what she thought she was trying to do. Listening as I heard her explanation, aware of her understanding what she thought I was saying, verses what I was intending for her to do. Aware of the discrepancy in words, I immediately switching to my physical mode of teaching, by allowing her to see and really “feel” the movement of the horse step by step in the best position for this mare’s physique and her young rider. Mimicking with my body the movement of the horse in the correct position with hindquarters engaged and the frustrating feel of the horse when dropping to turn, causing the hind legs stepping out, with no collection. To have the thrill of within just a few simple, really slow steps, she was getting her body in sync with the little mare at a walk, then an extended walk, to finally one simple circled trot to the right, then to the left with both moving together, upright and connected, all smiles and scratches for her mare.
The Wayne Dyer’s quote “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change!” came up a lot this last week. Reading questions and concerns on a few horse sites I belong to from so many owners and riders who in learning new ways are having the same disconnection of words to physical action seen with this student earlier. When she allowed her emotions to come boiling up, and thankfully flowing out of her body for relief. Instead of the learned habit many experience in “feeling not good, pretty, successful, happy, rich etc… enough”. Many asking for help… to find tons of advice and suggestions. Not aware of how much their “not enough” feelings about what they are attempting are the limiting factor. The negative self talk, then internalizing the feelings into walls of doubt that seem impossible to overcome. Aware also of how many words there are out there to describe a movement, a place, a desire, a need… the words are only as capable as the feeling of possible or not possible as the understanding behind them.
In assisting my clients and their animals I’ve learned to listen to the question asked and the feeling accompanying it is. Slowing things down, hearing what they think, how they feel and what is the thing inside so tangled as to be creating this confusion of “I need the whole thing now!” Not the fun and joy of feeling the music in learning and creating their own dance. Teaching for me is awareness, breathing, learning and fun along with others on this journey!
What a word to wake up to, after having the cat jump up on my bed sneakily attacking any movement I made as I slowly stirred from several previous attempts to go back to sleep with just the short 6 hours accomplished from when I first crawled into bed.
As I lay lazily trying to distract the five pound kitten from his feed or play with me mode that was intruding upon my morning attempt to visualize my day’s programming. I felt this insistent urge to actually move, get up, readjust the heating blanket to just slightly warm and then go feed this persistent animal whose main focus is himself, right “NOW”.
After getting the kitty fed and crawling back into the warm covers quickly pulled over my head to block out the morning light, so I could lay in meditative thought over the words and phrases that were wandering through my mind. Slowly forming a more solid awareness over the cause of the last few weeks of the various ups and downs in my weight, my finances and my relationships, well aware of how all of this was a message to myself. A simple form of communication as I have been trying to tune back into of the synchronicities happening “to me” to find the threads that weaved them all together into the simpler flow of life I have been seeking to find.
Realizing I have been trying to get “In Sync” with me, with each of these tiny little forays in the various directions after I would have a thought which formed into an actual desire made manifest, just not quite what I was aiming for.
Though I was getting “literally” exactly what I was requesting. Every one of the manifestations had these “flags” with them, that I ambled right through, over and around, which is so easy to say now in my looking back. Yet the thing is, even though I subconsciously knew this, I continued on because “wow” I caused this by asking for it, so this must be “the answer”. Now realizing I am great at getting exactly what I ask for every, single, time. I just need to be really aware of what I truly am thinking or saying to myself.
The request for a tall, artistic, lives close, is interesting and fun… was those, but… texting instead of talking, etc??? Re-worded the request for conversation, someone to talk to… I then received an evening phone call that was male, cowboy, single, finds me intelligent, listening, but… all about him, no investment for anyone else, much less me. Discovering as I would randomly and just as quickly re-word my request for a preference. I would just as quickly manifest a response. Now realizing how much I need to slow it down, really start to listen to my thoughts and my “whole body’s” response to them. And damn if I didn’t notice I am not in full sync with myself… yet.
But that’s okay. Because I am here, writing it out, stepping around it, looking at all that “I” created and applauding myself on how fast “from my mouth to God’s ear” or more of my thought to my creation via the Universes response. Aware now of the power in every chosen thought, word, and idea that I do so powerfully teach and share for others by assisting them in hearing what it is they actually are saying, versus what they thought or intended to mean. I am really, really fine tuning me to be “In Sync” with all of me, slowing down to “Think and Feel”, “Feel and Think”.
This instant manifestation thing happens to each and every one of us every moment of the day, we just have to be aware of what it actually is we are asking, requesting, and thinking about. Our sub-conscious takes everything we think, say or do into consideration. It is not particular, segregated or prejudice. It loves us and believes every single idea, thought, belief and feeling we perpetuate. It is at our command… Hmmm… I love it “All of me” truly, truly matters.
Talk about bringing in the New Year with a lot of magic and possibilities… as this last week has been an opening of letting go of all kinds of past issues, problems, old worn out items and habits. Starting off on Christmas day when one of my sisters came for a visit where we sat, talked, and shared lots of old history with an openness to hear each others view point and perspective. Allowing me to see many things in entirely new and different ways than I truly ever imagined, as I became conscious of many other layers of our family life than can be really felt or appreciated when one is in past that time warp of surviving, living, or going through the experiences of growing up.
I was so glad to have this time of learning about our past through the others different eyes and point of perspective adding to the information garnished in the last two months of being able to have private, honest conversations with all of my three sisters. Which granted me the ability to realize we all are going through something, which was impossible to see from any other place than where we each were, until someone opens the door to invite the truth from another without any one having to fear or suffer repercussions from actually opening one’s mouth to let “it” all out… which seems to have the added marvelous benefit of healing old assumptions as the new clarity falls into place.
I have in the past week… made Christmas a fantastic, fun, sharing experience with lots of money left in the bank. Putting up my old truck for sale, selling both the body and the engine to two different individuals. Had several last minute gift certificates for lessons show up and found “My New Truck”. Which is literally the truck on my wish list from 2004, its white, four wheel drive, diesel, super cab, with headache rack, grill guard, bumper with hitch towing package, gooseneck ball, work package,and $500 under book value. With only 125000 miles, decked out like the photos in my phone and on my walls… I am so glad my truck quit or I would not have been looking and found my dream truck within ten miles of my place.
To add to all of this fun and mayhem, one of the dating sites that I have had my profile on for several years but only have been frequenting to see where I am at vibration wise by the types of men I attract. To be pleasantly surprised by a letter of explanation of my slim selections of offered possibilities because of my not participating in a feature to browse through the selected men who fit my overall search choices, which by so doing means I just get to quickly peruse, choose yes, no, or maybe, and the computer then takes into consideration my actual, individual choices, to compile a more accurate group of men to then direct my info to. Which as I was sitting there, happily, comfortably narrowing things down, this email from the site pops up, to then find me engaging in an extremely fun exchange with a man who seems to once again fit so many things on my wish list from back in 2004.
It is like, by the decision of me to so thoroughly get involved with the process of taking full responsibility that maybe all of my beliefs needed to be gone through, examined, tossed if no longer applicable, changed if uncomfortable, and added if the new thought had never, ever occurred to be possible much less true for me. Thus then allowing God/The Universe the ability through the now widened gap of potentiality to bring me so very many things I was so stubbornly clinging to only being possible by doing it in the fashion I was taught to believe was right for me. Even though many of those ideas got me to this point, it’s that turning just a little in one direction or the other I could suddenly see gems of possibilities that were so hidden from me, by so many well-meaning people I have known who’s caring about me, I so thought meant they had the last word!
Wow, I am so excited to find myself here, expressing my joy in learning to observe, share, and examine the world from the broader perspective of, is whatever I am believing “true for me, Right NOW!” 2013 is a whole new year of exploration and adventure with a new truck, clean slate, and new beliefs that I can toss the moment they no longer hold true. Bless all of you who have followed, shared, and enjoyed my previous growth as I continue toward finding the best in every, fully alive, moment to come.
Seems like a simple enough question to be asked and in some ways very easy to just answer by popping off the first thing that comes to mind if one is just in a casual sort of conversation. Just now days I intend to honor myself and another with a thought out answer that feels exactly where I am coming from and where I am expecting to eventually be…
Why do I get paid to play with people and horses? Because I love the feeling of connection of two separate species learning to dance and communicate as partners. Each one being who they are, yet connected in movement with an ease and flow that allows each to feel the beauty of life, happening, alive, flowing like a stream in an easy, soft, effortless nonverbal form of communication. Where there appear just subtle motions, to be answered by a lowering of the head, the raising of the back to move in refined coordination with the leg so gently suggesting short or long stride forward, sideways or back. Always in an effort for asking and responding in the simplest feel of whatever movements each rider finds for their connection to their horse.
The lesson tonight a perfect example of teamwork, communication, and caring as the rider had her third ride on her young horse who has been in training now for the last month or so, while she was learning on my little mare how to ask for the movements she experienced this evening . The thrill of watching the two connect, some suggestions taking a little more time than others, as the two found their way to the communication that would work best between them. The rider, tickled at how easily the two of them were doing many of the slow work with simple, easy cues, and how quickly this freshly started horse would snap to do what was asked. My eager student was kidding me as she was leaving that maybe on the way to the airport next week before her trip, she could sneak in one quick lesson instead of missing the whole week…
Why do I own the horses I have… There are hundreds of horses that are constantly being offered to me and have been here in training. They all have different personalities, colors, sizes, breeds and sexes. Many are absolutely fantastic to ride. But I don’t want to own them all. I love being able to ride, teach, and play with them. Just there’s this moment, something lights up, and there is this unmistakable urge/desire to have to own a particular one that no logic sometimes can be made of it. There was one that I fell for the first time I saw him. I pulled over, admired the young horse, then went up to the horse barn and asked about him. To hear the price, so many thousands of dollars out of my range, so I took the next logical step and went to work for the place. Learned to handle all the young horses, even the joy of being the first one to sit upon him, as I relished every step he and I took in the learning process.
Things changed, they hired a professional who moved all the young stock to his facility and he wasn’t hiring. So I sighed, and left, walked away, let it go, moved on. Went to work with other horses, with him out of reach, and out of my mind, till three months later, they called, he was for sale, I said no I did not have that kind of money. They told me the price was now a tenth of what it was before. I got a loan, a halter, my trailer and within 24 hours had him home. To have the most incredible 19 years with a horse that was sold as a washout, who went on to when over thousands of dollars, 55 buckles for my students and me. While teaching hundreds of students to ride. It is so amazing what love, desire, belief and knowing can do.
Why… do I buy the clothes I wear, the food I eat, the drinks I choose, the truck I drive, and live the life I do? Because it fits me, I like the way it taste, the way it fits, the way it sounds, way it feels. I know me, better than anybody else. I am now responsible for figuring out what does or does not work for me. And no I cannot explain the feeling of knowing…its just there, deep inside, it
makes no sense to anyone else. To tell you the truth it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but me…I like it that way, I love being able to choose because I know why…it just feels right, so that means it fits me perfectly!
The last few days as I have been allowing my awareness to take me where it will… I felt this pull to pay attention and found myself to be suddenly guided to the tiny patch of purple flowers just inches away from the watering bucket for horses that have just finished working. Fascinated that just days before I had pointed these same little flowers to one of my clients out on a ride down the road, telling her how beautiful they were and how they always show up in my pasture days after a good rain. Loving the fact that here they were in plain sight for me to marvel at these small flowers are about ¼ inch when in full bloom (they are to my knowledge a member of moss roses, a succulent type plant). Easily transplanted, love any spot of dirt and water, to become wonderful colorful ground cover, which today I discovered if it is too early or late in the day one would miss viewing the flowers completely as they have a certain sunlight, temperature or amount of exposure, before offering up there wondrous little purple blooms.
So imagine my delight to find these tiny darlings growing in abundance all over the rest of my pasture when I took the time to actually see each place where I was requesting the horse to step as I elongated or shortened their stride in finding the right way to ask or suggest the next move in our dance of togetherness. Thrilled with both my connection with the horse and the Universe as I know how easy these little delights are to transplant, of course which I did after I finished my last ride of the morning, as I was so appreciative of the new view they had given me in their showing up and becoming awesome on such constantly trod upon ground. Right there blooming purple and pretty in plain sight for me to find.
Much like my youngest spotting the kitchen stool that came apart at the welds which I had put aside so no one would try to sit on till it could be fixed. His suggesting to load it up and take to school for a project to repair for me in class, allowing him getting a grade, honing his welding ability, and helping me out by fixing the stool. I was so appreciative this morning that we swung by the donut place on the way into work. Suddenly seeing so very many of the minute details of my life in a much larger way, as I felt his energy expand in fascination at being rewarded so easily over something to him that he wanted to do out of the pure sense of discovery in this new field of endeavor that allows him to expand his curiosity, so under estimating the gift to me.
I love my life! Weeds to another in a field of grazing becoming tiny flowers of purple beauty for me to truly see them at the perfect moment of the unfolding of their blossoms, a perfect mirror of my son’s awareness that such a small offering of repair would benefit all involved in the details of its return to usefulness. My desire to understand the energy flow of my life and how to get it to open up, wonderfully allowing me to feel and find the ability to focus on the littlest details in slowing down, truly being enthralled in the smallest point of pure admiration and reflection, I so love being in the moment. I am a weed! I can grow anywhere I am at without any others attention as the Universe provides me the smallest opportunity, I expand to my fullest potential in love with myself and my right to be fully, completely, uniquely ME!
Ding Dong the nag is dead
Which old nag?
The one in my head
Ding dong the wicked nag is dead
I could write for hours with the understanding that is now flooding all through me. I have spent the last few days feeling around for her… this nag that has forever lived in my head. Taunting me, critiquing me, confusing me, controlling me, always full of all of these opinions about what I am doing, what I am about to be doing, what is right or wrong for me… this constant self-sabotaging dialogue that until Wednesday. Has always been there, just more of a consistent high pitched sound, going on in the background, with an opinion against and toward almost everything I did. A voice for all of the hundreds, probably thousands of people that have crossed my path in my life time, in person, on tv, in films, in books, concerts, wherever I have connected with anyone’s ideas/beliefs of life, that I perceived to be directed in telling me who, how, and why I should be.
That I, being the great student that I am, have tried to emulate, make proud, please, and agree with. All in the understood part of having to fit in to life, not living it as just me, because somewhere, somehow I was taught that being different, standing out, having fun just being me… was unacceptable.
I could go back and tell the stories of the places of conflict that I tried to be me, but gave in under the pressure of my understanding in that moment. I have spent years telling some of those same stories at one time for understanding from others. Then for helping another to know they were not alone. Then the years of re-telling them to others for help, many times listening as the story kept evolving as I found other ways to view myself and the other people involved in the story at the time. Always on this quest to find the pieces of myself that were so out of whack, so wrong, so awful, so whatever to cause me to continue to attract more situations that still mirrored the originals. Sometimes the scenes were worse, sometimes the same, and thankfully a lot of times totally different, even with positive results, these last ones were the ones that kept me going. Seeking, looking, struggling, enduring, desiring that feeling of being positive, comfortable, and loved, completely for just me, enjoying a moment.
Joy, excitement, change for the better, improvement, freedom, fun, pleasure, enjoyment and success, like little glistening drops of gold dust sprinkled on my path of life, enticing me to come this way, follow this trail, find a way to gather this powder up and put it all together. It is your life calling. You can do this…
Ahh Wednesday, I am driving, in my zone aware of the tiny twinkling sounds that become loud in my head when something important is near for me to notice. And I start seeing these signs, small, white, arrows tied with a ribbon on one end and a daisy on the point with the word Wedding showing the direction further on down the highway in the direction I am going at 60 mph. These little signs appear every half a mile and my mind goes back to all of the wedding stories, signs, and indications I have noticed in the last few weeks. Which since I am not currently dating, or even seeing someone. My first thought is maybe he’s coming, about to show up. Till I get to about the 10th one, when suddenly a scene from my past pops into my head. I am 21, about to get married for the first time. Talking to my mother about my wedding dress, listening to her tell me how I cannot wear white, because I got pregnant and even though the I lost the baby, God would know and white is for virgins… Suddenly the realization hits me. She did not do that to be mean, my mother truly loved me, she was just following what she had been taught, how she understood life was, and I was just being a good daughter. Agreeing to something, that I now realize is still important to me. When I get married this next time…It will be in, how, when, where, why, and with whatever things I chose at that moment.
Just in the awareness of that memory, the rest of the day became this hear, listening, awareness spectacular, coming to full awakening, suddenly totally conscious of the once subliminal voice inside my head. As I was getting ready for a client later in the day and I was riding her horse, I heard this nasty, nagging, bitchy, mean, derogatory dialogue going on in the back of my mind. It was a soft drone at first, till I truly heard it, as it began trying to tear apart all of the work I had done with the horse I was on. It tried to influence me first with comparisons of how far along I “should be”, what they might be expecting, how disappointed in my abilities they were going to be…
When suddenly I became aware of the voice belonging to all of the people I had allowed to take up permanent status of personal critics inside my own head. I actually stopped and laughed. They were right there, have been there all along, all of the beliefs, ideas, and critiquing raging in my mind that I had allowed to control, run, and command my life as I carried them right up close inside the hotel of residence inside my head. I just listened for a little while longer, kind of fascinated at finding this “nag”, this nasty bitch. This evil, mean, rotten, horrible… but then I caught myself, I was about to beat up on this voice of memory that had been there because I created it.
I thought about the horse I was on, how big, mean and nasty she had been at the beginning, only because she was spoiled rotten and was afraid that by giving up her status she would then be the bottom rung, the low man on the pole. I realized that just like with her, I needed to befriend the voice. Understand that like her the voice wasn’t really mean, just scared, just needing to find a way to be okay no matter who are what the surroundings were. So I started recognizing the voice from people in my past, ones who I knew were doing the best they could at the time, and sent them back love, understanding and appreciation for helping me to see how they have been there talking to me. Albeit in an undesirable way, but since they were there in my mind from how I remembered and created them, why not turn them into my personal cheerleaders. Turn the voices around, get them to work with me. I created the nag, I can now create the “voices of support”
This morning when I awoke I discovered I had slept all over my bed, the blankets were in disarray, my other pillow and stuffed animal on the floor. I who sleep in one spot, on one side of this huge king size bed, had used, owned, relished, and expanded to my full height, feeling, and glory in reveling in every inch of my comfortable, soft, lushes blankets, on my pillow top mattress. I felt incredible, as I realized the reason I have such a huge library of books. An entire shelf of self-help books that I suddenly understand what every one of those books have been trying to get “me” to understand and realize. All of the help I have ever needed or desired has always been inside of me, nagging at me to listen to the voices, befriend myself. Be aware of the wondrous gift God gave me of my body, to feel for the sensations of good, unsure, or bad that are indications of what is right for ME. The nag is dead, reborn now as I realize I love her, because I know she is Me!
All of the rest of my library, movies, observations, influences, outside suggestions and ideas are here for me to select and choose what it is I need and feels right for me at this moment. To use as is, adjust to fit me, save for a later idea, expand upon, stop reading, turn the page, choose again. Whatever it takes to find and feel the good in each moment. I now can coach others to finding out how to be their best selves…as I now truly know and understand what that means!
I wish to incorporate the s like on my sign out front that says Conscious Awareness Training Sessions, which most people don’t get or understand.
This morning’s thoughts were:
Creative Awareness Targeting Solutions Creative Awareness Through Solutions
Creation Awareness Teaching Solutions Conscious Awareness Targeted Steps
Creating Awareness Through Senses Creating Aware Teamwork Solutions
Creative Aware Team Solutions Creating Aware Teamwork Steps
Just the ideas that came to me while driving. Any and all ideas welcomed. Also from this morning’s waking, driving, allowing my mind to just wander, I realized how much anyone can benefit when they become aware of how much their speech inflections and body language, change, alter, help or hinder their communications to another. A huge example from this weekend, I have noticed immensely the difference of myself and my clients when they are interacting with a male animal, versus female animal. It particularly came to my awareness with the daughter’s posture and body language as the dad dropped her off for lessons. She was slumped down, looking small and quiet, took the lesson with my mare, and by the time the lesson was over she was standing up straighter, grinning when her mom arrived. As I was talking to the mom, the young lady walked over to one of the pens with a male horse occupant and even in that small interchange. Her body began to return to a submissive posture, I asked her as she let this horse’s energy become bigger, leader posture. Why she had stopped breathing? Startled she took in a big (unaware) breath of air, standing up taller, confident and the horse adjusted became smaller, looking to her for what’s next?
I know these small things are learned or taught to us by family members, society, and life in general. I also know I keep changing lives by just teaching people to breathe, be aware, and learn to truly feel how or where you are at. The other cool part about all of this… as my awareness to this passion of mine caught hold of me finding a new, more direct idea/path of my discoveries. All the tiredness I had been experiencing all weekend, just vanished. I love my life, my creativity, my awareness to all the little nuances that make up my day!
Excitement building in every waking moment, I am on such a wave of movement forward. Have all these things just popping into place. Had a dream about the arena completed, the land bought, the house being built, the students coming, money flowing in as fast as it was needed, each thing adding to an ever increasing, growing, thriving new way of educating those seeking to understand their own passions about life. They then in turn teaching it to others…
Woke up, and bam, knew the first person I wanted to share this with, called my counselor friend and explained the horse connection she has been privileged to introduce to the school district here. Just currently stymied in where to continue holding the sessions, when I explained the new vision I had seen…she’s in. Called the other lady I know who has experience promoting, writing, and getting funding for causes she believes in, her weekend situation had already had her thinking in that direction. Bam she’s in, but because of what happened, her lawyer husband, listening in and truly interested in changing others’ lives for the better, bam he’s in. Then a phone call from my Abe cohort, who has had an interesting dealing with her son’s school, as we talk and I explain the dream and all the pieces, yep, you guessed it…bam she too is in.
Ride my horses, have a appointment over who else to add or ask into the Master group, grants, funding, business curriculum, mission statement and a title “Passionate Purposes” . I am rocking my world, we are sharing, writing, laughing, excited and seeing all theses years of small pieces of accomplishments that looked like such dead ends. Suddenly there are connecting roads, new bridges, awesome cleared landscapes, and in the three hours we build an entire new structured idea of the way to positively affect the future for those in our part of the world. Followed by the ripple affect to all that it touches…I love my life, my world, my passion…and I love sharing it and encouraging others to do what they love. Pay attention, know your intention to what you are focused upon, allow for guidance, then step bravely, confidently forward…and Bam, Your In!
Spying all of the fixings for sausage gravy and biscuits, I did a quick re-do of the coffee, diced up some onion, turned on the oven, added the meat, a little water to one skillet. Grabbed the frozen biscuits out of the freezer, counted out 8, popped them in the oven. Sautéed the onions, browned and seasoned the meat, had just finished adding the flour, a little milk and water as the timer went off. Presto breakfast as I hollered at the boys, who quickly went to feed, hayed and watered the animals to come back into plates, silverware, and glasses all set out by the stove for them. As I moseyed off with my already fixed plate and coffee. Quite pleased to have found the kitchen clean from their late night foraging, and them all being such wonderful help this morning.
Quick shower, dressed, while they gathered up the trash and did the dishes, and contributed things needed to the shopping list for the grocery store, after I picked up my feed. As I am organizing my mind, I keep getting this itch on the palm of my left hand, which whenever it happens, money comes. So I start savoring my journey, deciding how much fun can I have today. Amused with myself over how good I feel, even after I few rocky places last night. My salesman has a session with his computer as it kept changing the money amount due me. Finally after getting the manager, the computer did a turn around and printed the right results. I got loaded and down the road wondering how much more fun my sense of self would cause the next shopping spree, all the while feeling this nudging, pushing, sense of guidance to take my time, truly enjoy the process of listening, allowing and feeling my way into the something important that was almost here.
I shopped, got a few things for his cake tomorrow, more of the Top Ramen that they seem to think is wonderful. Noticing the flowers and imagining how great it will be to soon be getting them daily. Find a fast moving check-out zip in, zip out, pull in to the quik stop for a bag of ice, then check the mail box as I come in the drive. Woo hoo, year in dividend notice from the insurance company, leaving me a balance of $7.00 for this month and a birthday card with money for my youngest, whom I see has re-hung the Christmas lights and added a new string in the shape of a tree in the window.
I pull up, unload and they walk out to help. I question why they are still here, when I am told the oldest had something come up. What do I need help with, can they go up the road to the skate park, they swear they have everything done and in order. “Yes, you can go, after everything is unloaded and I double-check.” Which they and I do quickly, off they go as I settle down at the computer to write… no, not yet. I just kind of veg, I can feel something, something I need, I sense it will be a relief, I need and will revel in it. So I just sit and play a computer game, waiting…
I look at my watch, it is now 2:30 the young ladies will be here for their lesson in a bit. About then my youngest tells me my sister is coming to get him “and the boys” to take him out shopping for his birthday and all of them out to eat. I tell them to enjoy, and the thought hits me “I always seem to be working, when others are going places” my mind goes back over my life… thinking of how many times I have been left out or left behind because of what I do. For the first time I can remember, it’s not a sad thought, for I love what I do, except for I realize I have always had to refer to my training and teaching sessions as work. Old family beliefs “you can’t make enough money with horses, do you actually make enough money with what you do, and don’t tell me its fun, you’re playing or any of that other stuff…you are working, now act like it”. I’m grinning as I realize how I have almost had to hide my fun, by making it seem hard. Hmmm I think to myself as the girls arrive, and head down to the barn.
The horse is muddy, so we all groom, talk, and work on her together, since these two sisters take back to back lessons. One rides, the other audits and watches. We start with ground work, I demonstrate, she watches, I lend a hand or word of guidance, she finally “feels” the horse. So she stops the little mare, check the girth, mounts and walks her around, finding her rhythm, timing, movement with the horse till they both take a breath, and start moving together. The first thirty minutes is just about being, little re-positioning’s of the rider to allow for bend and softness with the horse. We move from the tire area to the long line of poles and cones to move in and out, simple exercises to increase bend and flow, between, in and around every other object.
She has made two complete times through the line, and I note the tightening up of the little mare, I ask the rider to change her hands, and the mare’s whole body is in total surrender, with a pleading look on her face. Knowing my horse I glance up all the way to find the rider holding a tight expression, tears brimming at the corner of her eyes, total confusion, frustration, signs of complete helplessness. I know something is there, beneath the surface, some old wound has been broken open, the look speaks of a desire, of a wanting something so bad, yet there is this huge fear of losing it if she speaks. I wander up close enough to get my hand on the horse’s rein, I lower my voice, I speak softly. I tell her about me, horses, how they have changed and saved my life many times, how they know the parts of us we think we can hide, they feel deep into the all of us. Here at my place it is a safe, sacred place, if I come close to talk, it’s just between me and the rider, it’s okay, every moment is a chance to start anew. There are no judgments here, every moment we are all learning something new, there is no wrong, it just takes the time it takes. I stop, I hold the reins, she sits there thinking…finally the mare takes a breath, she takes a breath, and we walk… for 10 minutes just letting her be, breathe, finding herself, and really finding her safe connection to the horse, to herself.
We get back up to a trot, she finds a sense of accomplishment, she does the turns, side passes, back up, and then gets the mare to softly drop her head, then dismounts. Hands the horse over to her sister, who has many of the same stuff riding wise, which she is also working on. The whole time she is riding, I keep my eye on the one now huddled up in her jacket, watching, dissecting, thinking, just holding in…holding on. Finally rider number two has a couple of oop’s she of course gets tickled, cause she stays with it, slows the horse back down, and then continues till she finds the connection she knows is there. Does the finishing routine, to ride the horse over to the gate and dismount. Both of them walking the little mare back, to unsaddle, brush down, give her some treats, put her up, and we talk, discuss the holidays, their trip back up north and then schedule for their next lesson.
I love what I do. I love the sacredness of the connections I watch, become, change, and be. I love the ability to know when and how to step in, to allow another to find, sometimes change old perceptions of themselves, or allow old beliefs and rules to change, let go. I love watching the weight of others slip away, as one finds its okay to just be, to allow, to have fun…to do something because you love it and because you can. We all deserve to live and enjoy life however it finds us!
“Enough, walk” I yell… then catching myself, breathe, calm, cool, allowing him the option to ride quietly, or walk. A mumbled apology, as I start to criticize myself for getting mad, but catch myself, breathe again, and again. Drive to work noticing I have put no sugar in my coffee. Oh well, I clock in, he assures me he can handle waking himself back up, calling his brother to rearrange the transportation home this evening. I AM FREE!
I go start my bus, drive to the coffee stop, get sugar. Do my route student by student, to notice I am starting to shake. Hmmm, no caffeine, no breakfast, but the closer I get to the end of my morning route, the worse the shakes get. I continue to drive, reflecting back to earlier and the frustration… Nope that’s not it. End the route, sign out, drive to get gas, and the closer I get to home the more noticeable the shaking. Paying attention, get to the house, feed, hay, make evening rations, shaking has become less, but noticeable.
I get in the house, the phone rings, it is the first college advisor for today’s meeting. Shaking is more evident. We do the pleasantries as I turn on the computer to pull up the enrollment forms. For the next hour and a half I struggle with the computer to fill out the form. My computer, repeatedly refusing to do the simplest commands, my fingers miss-typing, the form closing and refreshing on its own. Finally it’s done, I hit send, we say are goodbye’s, they will let me know something by Friday.
The phone rings, my horse trimmer will be here by 11. She hangs up, the phone rings, its college councilor number 2. Same pleasantries, same forms, just much easier because I know the drill and have all the necessary information out in front of me to fill out this school’s paperwork. But the shaking is stronger, begging my attention, trying to shake me awake… I am just doing what is being asked, expected, filling out forms. I ask “how much time do I have to decide” A big bell goes off, as she says 2 weeks, we then say goodbye, as I tell her my first appointment is here.
It’s my horse trimmer, Abe comrade, partner in horse information, who notices I am rattled, so we just sit for about 10 minutes catching up. Then head out to trim the horses, I handle them, while she trims. In the next three hours I get calmer, more centered, breathing again and I notice no more shakes. She notices and comments, as we discuss the foot differences on the male horses, the female ones, the way it reflects in both of our lives. We know all the patterns, the indications, we can see the changes that have occurred physically in the horses, in comparison to the emotional differences fo us in the same time period. We understand all of the reflections going on, laughing we go and treat ourselves to lunch.
It is only after she drops me back off it dawns on me about this last week. I didn’t start teaching to win or make money. I taught because someone else was in love with horses and wanted to know and learn how to ride and be allowed to love them like I did. I took on the ones every one else gave up on and I just loved them anyway. Even now as I try to type about how going back to school feels like giving up my freedom, my side hurts like I am trying to bend over someway I know better than. I am in this contorted state, over ???? making a choice that “sounds logical.” Just that thought is enough to change the subject…
I had the most amazing lesson tonight, the young woman, learned to balance with her body, to sync up with the horse, to stop thinking how to ride, and just find the feel of what was going. She got in touch with her inner self, she found the horse’s rhythm, she had fun, she has mastered stopping, turning, trotting, loping and flying lead changes from the right to the left. We had a blast, she loves the learning, and I love the teaching…DUH!!!! I know, I know, I know… I have just been trying To Do The Right Thing, not Feel For What’s Right For ME! Grinning like the cat I know I am!