Category Archives: Realization
What a word to wake up to, after having the cat jump up on my bed sneakily attacking any movement I made as I slowly stirred from several previous attempts to go back to sleep with just the short 6 hours accomplished from when I first crawled into bed.
As I lay lazily trying to distract the five pound kitten from his feed or play with me mode that was intruding upon my morning attempt to visualize my day’s programming. I felt this insistent urge to actually move, get up, readjust the heating blanket to just slightly warm and then go feed this persistent animal whose main focus is himself, right “NOW”.
After getting the kitty fed and crawling back into the warm covers quickly pulled over my head to block out the morning light, so I could lay in meditative thought over the words and phrases that were wandering through my mind. Slowly forming a more solid awareness over the cause of the last few weeks of the various ups and downs in my weight, my finances and my relationships, well aware of how all of this was a message to myself. A simple form of communication as I have been trying to tune back into of the synchronicities happening “to me” to find the threads that weaved them all together into the simpler flow of life I have been seeking to find.
Realizing I have been trying to get “In Sync” with me, with each of these tiny little forays in the various directions after I would have a thought which formed into an actual desire made manifest, just not quite what I was aiming for.
Though I was getting “literally” exactly what I was requesting. Every one of the manifestations had these “flags” with them, that I ambled right through, over and around, which is so easy to say now in my looking back. Yet the thing is, even though I subconsciously knew this, I continued on because “wow” I caused this by asking for it, so this must be “the answer”. Now realizing I am great at getting exactly what I ask for every, single, time. I just need to be really aware of what I truly am thinking or saying to myself.
The request for a tall, artistic, lives close, is interesting and fun… was those, but… texting instead of talking, etc??? Re-worded the request for conversation, someone to talk to… I then received an evening phone call that was male, cowboy, single, finds me intelligent, listening, but… all about him, no investment for anyone else, much less me. Discovering as I would randomly and just as quickly re-word my request for a preference. I would just as quickly manifest a response. Now realizing how much I need to slow it down, really start to listen to my thoughts and my “whole body’s” response to them. And damn if I didn’t notice I am not in full sync with myself… yet.
But that’s okay. Because I am here, writing it out, stepping around it, looking at all that “I” created and applauding myself on how fast “from my mouth to God’s ear” or more of my thought to my creation via the Universes response. Aware now of the power in every chosen thought, word, and idea that I do so powerfully teach and share for others by assisting them in hearing what it is they actually are saying, versus what they thought or intended to mean. I am really, really fine tuning me to be “In Sync” with all of me, slowing down to “Think and Feel”, “Feel and Think”.
This instant manifestation thing happens to each and every one of us every moment of the day, we just have to be aware of what it actually is we are asking, requesting, and thinking about. Our sub-conscious takes everything we think, say or do into consideration. It is not particular, segregated or prejudice. It loves us and believes every single idea, thought, belief and feeling we perpetuate. It is at our command… Hmmm… I love it “All of me” truly, truly matters.
The last few days have found me in a remarkable feat of truly cleaning house, barn and office. Espying things I so desire to now have, as I look around at what is here that I can change in a very concrete steps of movement forward, and all the while with an ear turned inward listening to the latest conversations going on in my head. Which less and less lately have been arguments between my old insistence of holding on to parts of my past that truly no longer serve me anymore and the truth of just letting go of them. I am realizing many of the items were things I was talked into and then have been clinging so hard to the imagined importance they have in my life.
The entire time my body has been orchestrating so many of the decisions by twinges of discomfort when I pick up an item to dispose of, then change my mind and put it back. Only to be met by a dull ache, which within minutes easily escalates to a full pain of “no, go it must”, after finding, pulling, stretching, massaging, even aspirin are not letting me off the hook.
Today finding me loads lighter, after several trips to sell, donate, or throw away various pieces and piles of memories I know needed to be looked at in a new light. Appreciated for their time in service to me and applauded for their holding out till I was ready to see… I truly can have my life, anyway that I desire. When I line up my outside world view with the way the inner me guides me to embrace my truly heart felt decisions. Guided by this whole body (heart, mind and spirit) which has been talking to me all along, just my understanding of right, wrong, rules, and long held decisions proclaimed to me from others as their truths. Really were “their” truths, they just didn’t and don’t fit me.
From my 29 x 38-40 inch inseams, to my size 8 ½ D men’s shoe size (that translates to about a 10 ½ to 11 in women’s) with my broad size large shoulders, to have to take up to a medium/small waste. My taste of cowboy boots, Wrangler blue jeans, and mostly cotton, soft to the touch, colorful sleeveless shirts, which I buy for the way they feel and fit. The sleeves are usually not long enough to get to my wrist, so I cut the sleeves off, redesign them into the pockets I prefer on shirts to hold my chapstick when I am out with the horses.
I am aware of my body’s guidance even now as I type for the words which just flow across the page, except for the feeling of stop, look again, maybe… then an aha as the right words fill in the pause of… hmmm, no not that… Yep that is perfect, as I smile aware of me finally getting me right. Topped off by the last few days of amazing, wonderful incidents of after each situation occurred and I calmly addressed the “that’s not what I had planned” with the words and the feelings of “this or something better” which resonated completely through all parts of me.
Last night’s clients choosing to wait two weeks to pay at the actual next lesson, instead of their usual pre-paying before the start of each new series. I breathed, smiled, said sure, while changing my plans for a meal out to what could be thrown together without going to town. As my youngest walked in, asked where we were going for supper, and before I could even get my thoughts together, said “my treat”, so off we went for a simple together supper. Where he then informed me he has been using my “thank you box” for himself. Hmm imagine that.
With this morning’s lesson a no show, I relished the cool weather and great ground after last night’s shower for me and my horses to utilize and enjoy. Followed by a quick trip to the feed and grocery store with a compelling urge to stop and buy some scratch off tickets. Which after all feed and groceries were put up, revealed 3 purchased tickets, 3 winners, $37.00 to the plus. All by listening to the inner guidance of my feeling good, my confidence with the quick impulses and my trusting my body for the distinct yes’s when I feel fine and the aches signaling I am out of sorts thinking and living from someone else’s beliefs or ideas of what is best for me.
Finding a peaceful, truly open feeling at my place as I discarded all of the stuff other’s, in their attempt to make my life comfortable to their beliefs and ideas of who I was expected to be. Now opens up and expands as I live for me, loving, caring and listening to all parts of me, guided by my every breath to know what is best and right for me to be the best me, listening to the Source within me!
I was conversing with a friend whom I have noticed in the last few days has been coming down with a cold, all congested and stuffy. When out of my mouth popped “What are you all confused about?” so she began to tell me about the things going on at home with her husband and her trying to put all of the pieces together with his possible new job, his coaching their daughters soccer and juggling all of their time together. I could feel and here all of the worry and work that her brain was scrambling to do to get the pieces to fit and her frustration in it not coming together fast enough to ease all of these new fears for the two of them.
After she lined out all of the pros, cons, the possible, the impossible and anything else that came to her mind. She turned to me to see what I suggested. I said why not just allow God to put it together. See all the pieces just fitting perfectly, with all of you laughing and enjoying how easy life has now become with the perfect money and time to be just enjoying it all.
I watched as I evidently spoke the very words she needed to here, as I saw her shoulders relax, her body straighten out, and when she started talking again I pointed out to her all of her congestion was now almost non existent. She was like “wow’ as I explained all of her congested, stuck and stopped up thinking had materialized in her body, until she talked about it, got it out, to find and feel an answer that eased all of this internal mind struggling.
To find myself waking up this morning to an extremely numb shoulder, a stuck and very sore neck. I promptly readjusted my position in bed, and asked my body “what’s up?” Then laid there and let the thoughts just drift in a kind of half-awake state. Seeing scenes from my past, quick glimpses of old incidents, suddenly with other broader views to take in the situation. Aware of the long standing issue with my top rib’s tendency to be easily popped out of place, my own confusion at times of either running or only standing up for myself when I am cornered. In a whole new light as a habit I picked up when learning to defend myself in a very frightening situation many, many years ago that all of me automatically goes to as a survival mode when things get the least little bit tense and uncomfortable.
I thanked my body for answering, then stopped and paused long enough to ask it if there was anything else I needed to know. To be then flooded with information about my own uniqueness that has been assaulted, played down and punished by anyone who I allow their opinion to matter, over what feels or works for me.
The back of my neck eased considerably, until I desired to share this by writing here… to feel this fear come over me of the consequences of sharing what I have learned once again in my writing. My breath became shallow, my ears ringing and then I noticed my fingers and nails. None would ever be photographic for another; so many scars from all of the many things I have been so hands on about.
Both middle fingernails are flat and shovel shaped with no normal fingerprint on the other side because as a child, the neighbor had an electric wire that he had strung across his garage door to keep the local alley cats out of. Which about the age of five I sat on to swing as some little kids would do. Promptly to receive electricity through the scarred place on my behind and to then have it ground me where my fingers touched the earth.
I realized that one of the teachings I have been studying “states how golden silence is by not sharing information with others who are not ready or in the supportive frame of mind”. And the perfect solution then entered my mind…as I remembered how I spent days around Christmas time figuring out how to install the rate this app on my site thinking how important it was to know what another thought.
Now realizing as long as I am willing to write this and take the time to share it. People can read it, comment, find it useful or not without another’s judgment necessary… Because I write to express me, talking to myself, to teach me and allow me to figure me out. The rest just is what it is… my body resonating perfectly as I find myself sitting up straighter, easier and noticing almost all of the discomfort in my neck diminished… small baby steps of asking, listening and responding as I connect to all of me!!!
Having taking a six months hiatus from writing to just observe the world and the reflections of where I am at “NOW” this word describing life to the fullest, because now is never before or after it is always the present moment.
I took a step back to find where and how my trained habits of unconscious thoughts were still running my life. I watched, I observed, and found what I didn’t like, once uncovered, noticed and understood… then I could change it, rearrange it, stop it, and find a different way to be.
As simple as that may sound, it takes absolute participation in each and every moment. Full awareness of the words I speak to… myself, others, animals, things, and circumstances, to become so in tune to hear me actually communicating with me in every present moment.
I have taken on a temporary job at a convenient store in an attempt to meet other non-horse people in this small town where I have lived for 11 years. Fascinated at all the untruths I had been locked into by beliefs I have been taught are real. About what to wear, do, be, or think for me to be okay. Fueled on by this immense desire to be free… of feeling wrong, needing to be right, or justifying things I do to fit in.
At the same time still training, coaching and teaching others as my life saver to sanity in this search for relief. Finding my immense fascination with words and their definitions receiving a huge update of possibilities to the once limited ones I had previously believed. I discovered that normalcy can and does change sometime in hours, minutes, moments, much less miles, weeks, and years.
Life is changing, evolving, constantly becoming more than it was yesterday, whether I allow it or not. I just hadn’t realized how hard I had been clinging to the side of this immensely flowing, ever changing river of life. Until thankfully 4 weeks ago, one of my own horses, unceremoniously, bucked me off as my mind moments before was not on my riding, but on this huge list of things that needed to be accomplished for me to get to my agreed upon “part time job” in helping out another. The job I had let spiral into as much as 55 hours or more a week, thinking as I was riding how I so needed to get back to the agreed upon 25 or less hours so I could live my life by reveling in the work that I so love doing and enjoying life.
Suddenly as I was spinning through the air, realizing I had not paid attention to the now suddenly loose girth on my horse, which caused the saddle to slip up over his withers as he stumbled and I lurched forward, he took to hard jumps and here I found myself laying on the ground, begging for the next breath to refill my now aching empty lungs.
My next thoughts were: I am supposed to be taking care of myself so I can help others. Not run me ragged as the sacrificial do-gooder, make everyone else okay and comfortable. Shine my light of understanding on everyone else but myself. Followed by “yes Universe, I was thinking about saying something, but…” excuses for not being in the total present moment and bam, “now my body demanded I take care of myself!”
Today marks 25 days of sleep, personal pampering, chiropractor, magnets, stretching, huge increase of water and breathing exercises, to find the biggest gem of my train wreck, seems all of my fears were stressing me out, and stress is dis-ease.
My current horse in training showing me how deeply entrenched I still had old habits of not enough-ness pushing my buttons. She is gorgeous and prettier when her ears are up and interested, not back and awaiting the next command. She has to be mentally and physically right; it is encoded in her genetics to survive in the herd a horse needs to find comfort in their placement.
In first acquiring her with a body of stiff, unyielding muscle and emotional habits of taught response to each piece of equipment and the movements of the humans she has encountered. Dealt to her not by uncaring, mean or vicious others, but by those who like me who were taught that there is this time line in which things must be accomplished. Pushing her to do things in a desire to fit another’s ideas of how she should be by such and such date. I received into my care a young horse, so tight, and bound up by being forced into a physical style that her body took and took, until she chose to behave exactly how she felt and refused to fit in. Until with timing and patience I am getting her to understand things can be different. I am listening, and I am allowing her to find what works best for her to be comfortable and move in time with a human.
So much like I now find myself… alive, able to choose, able to sense my next thought, feeling, idea or movement that fits me in every waking moment of the day, trusting my intuition with simple conscious awareness of what feels best for me. To share, to keep, to experience, and to coach others in finding their own unique signature and styles… One person, one animal, one breath, one moment at a time!!!
These are my morning thoughts that came together for me after I opened up FB to the first thing I saw after all of my reading, realizations, conclusions, and imaginings from the last four months of 2013. To a post from someone in one of my groups where they ask about “naming one’s Higher Self Wanna Share yours , go on I dare ya Mines’s always been Huey, my daughter thinks I am disrespectful to God but how can I be, He and I Are bonded baby, as One and where did I get my sense of humor from but from The One, what’s his is mine . Ok thats all folks ” which I then realize about how I used to talk to mine/myself, all the time until last August when finding out about how to utilize imagination from the works of Neville Goddard. For in all of this contemplating and absorbing of this Neville theorized information in the last few months, I suddenly realized that every time I find any new interesting or profound information… I stop talking, listening, and paying attention to my own inner guidance.
Then I suddenly remembered that I distinctly talked to mine before meeting the cowboy and his daughter Friday on my trip down to the nearby arena. Which coincides perfectly with my recent asking and finding, studying and going through all of Neville’s talks listed in order and finding the pieces/peace in me. Where I had asked myself/God in me…”Where is all of this leading? What is it I need to know? & How can I help or assist another?”
Especially since earlier this morning I looked up Neville’s Wikipedia information (which has to be considered in who has updated their take on him most recently) to become aware of where his line of thoughts, the way and time line they changed/evolved to then “know” that the habitual stumbling blocks for me are
- In teaching others how to ride, I have observed when we think, we stop breathing and feeling. When we know something, we just do it; it is now our new nature of habit. Otherwise we think, think, & think, muddying up our own thoughts, getting all tangled up in the process of understanding from another’s perspective. Which we will never entirely be able to see from their same standpoint, because we are not exactly like them.
- We as human’s have been bombarded with in our learning that we “have to” learn how to do something “the right way” (verses feeling the right way for us). A great example comes to mind: If I bite into something that is (unbeknownst to me) hot, nasty or incredibly out of my idea of what I expected it to taste like. I spit it out first, then try to figure it out at the same time I am usually trying to wash out my mouth for a feeling of relief. Instead of holding it in my mouth, and thinking what is this incredibly bad tasting thing that I am eating.
In sharing my name for my higher being I stated the following “Mine’s name is God…but not like the worshiping from afar. He is my best friend and I have been talking to him for years, but until I read this post… I never thought about a “name” for him (since his energy represents my male energy) I just talk to him, confide in him, love him as I know he does me… then I thanked the poster for allowing my friendship with him to be seen in a whole new amazing way… I so love when I can clear up my viewing place!!!”
Putting the entire scenario of this new realization into use by replacing my old habit of thinking if someone knows more than me, then I must need to study and catch up. With the choices of Neville’s line of thought of just imagine I am already accomplished at having figured it out, or I can read to feel for the comparison if the new line of thought coincides with where I am at in my understanding of does this feel true for me. Finding that I am now reading Neville’s works in order of his evolving, instead of the just reading the book I was told would explain it all to me if “I studied and studied it like the presenter had”.
All of this experience has given me back both my ability, desire and right to talk to myself, listen and trust my feeling of “I am always able to know the right things for me at any moment” when I take the time to feel if it is good… go ahead. If it causes me the least little doubt… check it out, go slowly, feel for the parts that resonate with me and ditch the rest. If it feels bad…”DUH” walk away, saying thanks, but No Thanks! This last learning experience has been so much freaking easier than I ever was led to believe and definitely not at all in the direction I originally expected of some kind of amazing, magical secret to change my life. Just the solidifying of knowing and trusting in myself, my inner guidance… to give up all of the buts, what if’s and just turn within… to always feel, think, know and believe in my own ability for the right answers for me!!
What an interesting way to become aware of the subtle shifts going on within me, as I become more conscious of my feeling for each thought I think. This morning being an incredible awakening to my own and other people’s power to create exactly whatever reality they are living, as my alarm on my phone went off from some place different, further away than my night stand next to my bed. I lay there listening to it, knowing it was telling me it’s time to get up, its 7, there is so much to do… But I didn’t care; I was so comfortable all snug in my soft, fuzzy blankets, cuddled up to my super fluffy stuffed donkey. I just wanted to soak up the good feeling warmth, close my eyes and enjoy comfort. Allow the morning to find me later, as the noisy ringer drilled, then faded to silence as I lay there thinking of yesterday’s incredible last minute call to bring a horse that they finally decided, I was the best choice and did I have an opening.
They arrived exactly 2 hours after they called. Accompanied by one of my former students, her husband, little boy, and two horses, the one to be sorted out in the next month of training, with the other to be evaluated for possible training in the future. As the first horse was unloaded I became focused on how tight, tense, and nervous he was as it was quickly accentuated by the handler, trying to control the horse the best way he knew how. I walked up, asked for the halter, and started my dance of handling the horse, while explaining as quickly as I could my maintaining a soft, asking feel on the lead rope, with my full attention riveted on the horse in a calm, assertive, it is okay demeanor. This was rewarded within about 10 minutes with a big sigh from the animal, a softening of his eyes, as I maneuvered him, from dancing about head held high, till he was softly being led past the new sights of my place, and into his temporary pen.
I then asked all the necessary questions as the paperwork was being filled out. To then turn my attention to horse number two, doing a full body, agility, and in hand, under saddle, walking and talking both to the horse and my audience as I explained what I found and how their untrained eyes could find signs in future horses as to when things may not be as completely comfortable for the horse to do, by watching their feet, their eyes, the ability to move with simple suggestions by the handler which a soft, supple, relaxed mount can accomplish easily.
As I came to the tail end of the demonstration I became aware of the dynamics of the energy of the group, aware of the subtle play of a power struggle going on, that just swayed me into that feeling of needing to protect another. Thankfully about then the little boy, made a bee line for the house, with the mother running after. Causing the situation to right itself, as payment was made, final questions were answered, and they loaded up with a promise from me to call with the remaining horse’s progress by next weeks end. Which as I lay there, mulling this over in my mind. I suddenly became aware of several incidents this last week where I considered stepping in to help another, even though they didn’t actually ask. It was more of the body language of a wounded, save me, I am helpless look, that caused me to stop and reconsider how both situations have been going on for a while. With lots of stories of “whoa is me, I don’t know what to do, it is so rough” etc….
I got up with these thoughts running through my mind, to fix coffee, breakfast, and clean the kitchen. As my youngest came through, in a hurry, to make the parade with his welding class, explaining as he walked out the door about how he would eat when he got there. I just continued on with my weekend chores, took a shower, and after about 3 hours was started with the new horse. When my son came back, wanted to know why I didn’t fix and leave him left overs and when was I coming in to fix lunch.
And it hit me! He and she and all of us, we create are realities. We can choose to be bumpkins, dumpkins, put upons, rescuers, life savers, rich or poor. And I would so serve my fellowman better if I would see each and every one as capable of all of their strengths, abilities, and intuitions to have any and every thing they choose. Because it is always a choice! My choice right now is to apologize to each and every person I have ever not seen as totally completely capable of choosing their thoughts, to say yes or no to any situation. Just many do it unconsciously, not taking the time to really, truly slow down, breathe, look around, see or listen to what they are saying. It is my job to see each and every one of them as powerful creators. Capable of shining or not shining their own light brightly as children of God. Wonderful, capable, lovable, shining images of the Universe in all of their own unique characteristics, thoughts, colors, creeds, and livelihoods that make up this awesome world we all live in. It’s the contrast that causes us to realize we can choose…more, less, nothing, or it all. So simple.
As I walked him through the steps I use of having it in writing, expecting lead time, and confirmation calls, I started cleaning, moving, fixing, repairing and straightening. For the rest of the day as I moved from one room to the next, indoors and even down to the mailbox, I found myself, picking things ups, rearranging the order of things. All the while highly aware of my subconscious working on and turning over in my mind his conversation and where I have become so aware of and much more apt at dealing with others. Definitely new boundaries, much like the discussion with my newest client over her awareness of lack of good personal body space.
Needing to check email, turned on the computer, caught up on my mail, started to finish my challenge statement, when I felt the need for a new puzzle game, to match the puzzling, churning intention in my mind. Found something new called “Rock Garden” where you rearrange the stones, till you get all the same colored ones together touching. Managed to turn out edthem. To discover it was suddenly 75 levels later, my house was cleaner, more functional, my mind was clearer and I realized that before 2012 would get here officially “I had managed this last year taken my life back.”
Such a simple thought, but a huge weight that I suspect, no, know I have been living under, carrying around since it was taught to me. As the realization reached me, I suddenly became aware of I had not eaten or been hungry since the 2 biscuits, yet I felt full, satisfied, impressed with what my mind had been toying with. All really brought to a head, when my big horse (the herd leader) had gotten hurt this last week, skinning off some hide and hair on his front right foot, enough to cause it to swell. Which besides doctoring it, I turned him out in the big pasture so he could move about, really aware of if he had been in the wild non-movement would make him easy prey. It was interesting watching the rest of the horses any time he would move slow or favor the foot. They had empathy, but were highly aware of testing him to make sure he was aptly doing his part of being in charge. No malice, no meanness, just survival.
I could see that so translating over into phone calls I occasionally have, when people start by being condescending, nice, I take a breath, let myself feel for them, and suddenly they are trying to take the conversation into this “oh woe is me” place from our previous interactions. I have to catch myself, turn the conversation to something else, and praise myself for noticing, learning, and using humor at myself for how much I have changed…when I pay attention, instead of just reacting.
I hear loud popping sounds, I open the door, fireworks going off in all the surrounding communities. It’s 12:00 New Year’s Day. I have found a new way of being, and cleaned up everything else before the year 2012…”The Year I Live Awesomely Since I’ve Taken My Life Back Completely” from all of those I had so misguidedly allowed to run rampant over me. In my false ideas of taken care of them…at my expense. Computer down, will post in the morn….Happy New Year!
Cold, crisp and clear with just the hint of pink fog off the river down below the hill and with an extremely clear sky, more differences to note as I fed. Came in for coffee and biscuits, the desire for the phone numbers presently still lost to me in my locked up phone, till I can go into town to get it repaired. So a quick email for the most important numbers is sent out to those I communicate with most often. Which interestingly enough set off a chain of events when two of the contacts put in calls promptlyback to me so I could just save the numbers. Both of them also calling with more information about the proposed arena and school, their views, ideas, and thoughts, each agreeing to stop in later to talk. About then I noticed the time, signed off and started getting ready for the day’s schedule.
First horse still moving slowly after his mishap with the fence, though still readily listening and following my body and my mood as I noticed the time, which corresponded perfectly with the arrival of my lesson. She is standing straighter, moving easier as we start her lesson. I notice her intent, her desire to learn more and expand her knowledge both about horses and this energy work I do. We have a really good, moving forward lesson, with her easily and aptly asking more questions, doing lots of thinking until her eyes light up, as she realizes her body has found the right feel and movement. She suddenly quits trying to think her way forward and allows the rhythm and movement of the dance as the feeling of partnership finds her. When we get to the end of the session as I am doing my normal follow up questions, she remarks to me how she appreciates what all of this paying attention to how her energy reacts with the horse’s has done for her. Providing her with the information she has been looking for as to why she attracted the kind of men from before. She has discovered her boundaries are changing just in the two short sessions we have had. We set the time for the next session, say our goodbyes and I grin knowing I am receiving conformation from the Universe I am going the right way.
Then both of my friends from earlier, pull in the drive way with in minutes of each other, turns out they have met before under different circumstances. We all laugh at the synchronicity of life. Then I show them the area under consideration, we each contribute our ideas and for the next 30 minutes have a short introductory of where we each coming from, setting up a general game plan to meet again in the next three days. Each person required to make notations of any and every idea, to then have a sit down, pow-wow to come up with the major mission statement and ways to tie all this stuff into a long range business plan. Every one leaves jazzed and prepared to take more steps toward our overall dream. The best part being it is so much easier to share with like-minded individuals… I so feel good about my life, my dreams, my steps forward and upward.
This challenge has changed my view of me, my ideals about so many things, and opened my eyes to what I have been doing to myself. How far away from my own hearts desires, I had drifted, then paddled, bought and then placed everyone else’s beliefs, ways, gimmicks, and goals for me in front of my own.
“Enough, walk” I yell… then catching myself, breathe, calm, cool, allowing him the option to ride quietly, or walk. A mumbled apology, as I start to criticize myself for getting mad, but catch myself, breathe again, and again. Drive to work noticing I have put no sugar in my coffee. Oh well, I clock in, he assures me he can handle waking himself back up, calling his brother to rearrange the transportation home this evening. I AM FREE!
I go start my bus, drive to the coffee stop, get sugar. Do my route student by student, to notice I am starting to shake. Hmmm, no caffeine, no breakfast, but the closer I get to the end of my morning route, the worse the shakes get. I continue to drive, reflecting back to earlier and the frustration… Nope that’s not it. End the route, sign out, drive to get gas, and the closer I get to home the more noticeable the shaking. Paying attention, get to the house, feed, hay, make evening rations, shaking has become less, but noticeable.
I get in the house, the phone rings, it is the first college advisor for today’s meeting. Shaking is more evident. We do the pleasantries as I turn on the computer to pull up the enrollment forms. For the next hour and a half I struggle with the computer to fill out the form. My computer, repeatedly refusing to do the simplest commands, my fingers miss-typing, the form closing and refreshing on its own. Finally it’s done, I hit send, we say are goodbye’s, they will let me know something by Friday.
The phone rings, my horse trimmer will be here by 11. She hangs up, the phone rings, its college councilor number 2. Same pleasantries, same forms, just much easier because I know the drill and have all the necessary information out in front of me to fill out this school’s paperwork. But the shaking is stronger, begging my attention, trying to shake me awake… I am just doing what is being asked, expected, filling out forms. I ask “how much time do I have to decide” A big bell goes off, as she says 2 weeks, we then say goodbye, as I tell her my first appointment is here.
It’s my horse trimmer, Abe comrade, partner in horse information, who notices I am rattled, so we just sit for about 10 minutes catching up. Then head out to trim the horses, I handle them, while she trims. In the next three hours I get calmer, more centered, breathing again and I notice no more shakes. She notices and comments, as we discuss the foot differences on the male horses, the female ones, the way it reflects in both of our lives. We know all the patterns, the indications, we can see the changes that have occurred physically in the horses, in comparison to the emotional differences fo us in the same time period. We understand all of the reflections going on, laughing we go and treat ourselves to lunch.
It is only after she drops me back off it dawns on me about this last week. I didn’t start teaching to win or make money. I taught because someone else was in love with horses and wanted to know and learn how to ride and be allowed to love them like I did. I took on the ones every one else gave up on and I just loved them anyway. Even now as I try to type about how going back to school feels like giving up my freedom, my side hurts like I am trying to bend over someway I know better than. I am in this contorted state, over ???? making a choice that “sounds logical.” Just that thought is enough to change the subject…
I had the most amazing lesson tonight, the young woman, learned to balance with her body, to sync up with the horse, to stop thinking how to ride, and just find the feel of what was going. She got in touch with her inner self, she found the horse’s rhythm, she had fun, she has mastered stopping, turning, trotting, loping and flying lead changes from the right to the left. We had a blast, she loves the learning, and I love the teaching…DUH!!!! I know, I know, I know… I have just been trying To Do The Right Thing, not Feel For What’s Right For ME! Grinning like the cat I know I am!