Category Archives: Reflections
It’s been awhile since my last blog because I chose to continue my journey inward.
Learning more about me, who I am, who I was, the why’s of my life that all join together to create me in each “Now’. Following in the awareness of this last few weeks of only moments each day with my horses because of the vast amounts of rain found here this September. This last weekend culminating in a huge “ah ha” as the lights inside not only came on, but showed this huge piece of the tapestry that has always been right there, just out of focus. As I was use to living more in the answers others told, offered or thrust upon me.
Everything around us is always offering us the answers we seek. Yet in our societies the expectancy to conform to the pressure of fitting in is most prominent. We were taught at a very young age to respond mostly to make other people happy and then getting our desires met. The proof of one of the first words children learn is NO! Don’t touch, don’t move, don’t explore, don’t have until given permission. Permission usually with a price tag. You might get hurt, you might break something, you might do it wrong. Don’t learn about it, do as your told, I’ll keep you safe.
Yes you may have the cookie… if you do??? An entire litany of simple things at first. Give me a kiss, a hug, clean up the mess. Which slowly evolves into finish your work, take care of the dishes, take a bath, go to school. Then into the work arena of find a job, pay your bills, make your parents proud, fit your degree plan, get it done to get paid, have a family, buy a house. Yet… words don’t teach, only life experience teaches.
All of this showing itself as I was cleaning up my partnership with my new horse Scoozi. My intent… the focused idea of a fun, successful, easy, caring open communicative relationship. Amazed with how much baggage a horse just turning four (supposedly only halter broke) has with her.
Highly aware as I played with each situation which presented itself. The mirrored reflection of my life it revealed. Especially the tendency to double and triple check myself with others books, answers and videos… whenever the situation doesn’t simply resolve itself. The discomfort of not getting it “perfect” or “right” for the imaginary crowd that might suddenly show itself and critique my results here out in the country, many miles from any big city. The Universe always willing to guide me when I allow it to. Assisting me to find my way through this maze of self confusion, and then to my sharing my discoveries here.
This weekend I was led to a video (which I will share at the end) about finding one’s own answers and allowing others to find theirs, as a rat was taught how to tread water in the center of a swimming pool.
The one advantage the rat had… it’s only label was “rat”. Not a tall, short, skinny, fat, black, purple, OCD, PTS, or any of the other labels that cause separation, discomfort and fear of not being enough. This labeling hindering ones ability to learn and figure out the solution for ones self.
I have learned… I am amazing. I choose to stay fully present in each “Now”. I pay attention and reward every try of the horse… and myself. I step back and allow the other to express where they are at. I allow the other to take the time it takes. I am willing to change things when the answer I think should be next… is not really the answer that is needed. I am adaptable, I am constantly learning that in teaching there is no mold. No absolute. No definitive way. There is the final outcome to stay focused on. Just the how’s are the surprising solutions which present themselves to us when we stay open, allowing the best guidance of all… Trusting the feel… our gut, our senses, the good sensation, the ease in the next step. Keeping our focus and trust on a great feeling result.
My desire was originally thought to be a partnership with Scoozi, my new horse. Where what I have found instead… it’s a true partnership with Life. Learning I am capable, willing, aware and always connected when I allow the Universe to join, guiding me in the dance.
Intuition, knowing, confidence and plain old common sense have been the big ah hah’s in my last few months of just being, realizing and observing all of these deep held sacred and many unconscious beliefs that have been getting in my way of any real movement in the outside world. This has been brought home to me in my watching not only the horses I interact with on an almost daily basis, but the multitude of people that I now encounter at the convenience store as I play with my form of non-horse humans interactions.
Fascinated with today’s gem in assisting a few people in covering an old tractor, watching the lack of surety in all but one of the members in the group of guys, as the eldest one tried to ramp up the enthusiasm in his two nephews for the promised rewards when the chore was done. All three in the heat of the one o’clock sun, no clouds, no breeze and the leader so intent on finishing the task today, one way or the other. Showing up with a tarp and an idea of fixing the dilemma for his father of the 1940 oldie from further rusting before they could get it restored. Intending to complete the task with just a good heart, a tarp and two nephews as different as the soft sand is from hard baked clay.
I knew someone was here, as the dog’s barking took on the tone of “oh joy… visitors”. To walk out as the uncle was explaining the task of just re-tarping the machine for a few more months to further protect it from the weather, explaining to me as I walked up his simple thoughts, immediately followed by what did I think.
I watched myself as I didn’t think, I just explained the reasons and possible solutions to why they kept having to re-do this every few months. How by placing round buckets over any of the extruding rough and jagged spots before re- tarping, the smoothness would balance out the wind’s ability to rub and wear the tarp over these protruding pipes, handles and various flanges. The thought of this not being a continuous chore caused the light to go on, for him to ask me for further information and he then noticed the parts of the sickle plow pieces, just lying around under the center of the machine slowly being buried in the drifting sand.
He called the boys over and as they went to pick up the pieces to move them into the barn. He with his gloves on, the oldest boy immediately becoming macho stating it was okay as the youngest flinched from the heat of this hot metal sitting in the midday sun. As the uncle started to suggest that he could drive all the way back home to go get some gloves… my mouth just starting spewing words as I took the wooden handle of the rake in my hand, slipped it under one of the bars to the waiting hands of the youngest. To then together with all of the others we hoisted up the pieces comfortably carrying them into the barn, all the while my awareness to what could be done allowed me to access my noticing/intuiting the wood, the time, the distance, the needs of the present moment. My confidence radiating what needed to be done easily shared and readily employed for simple, effective results.
Bringing to my mind how amazingly I always seem to see the quicker, simpler, ways with such ease and ability to then speak up… BECAUSE at that moment I trust what I feel and know. What a huge surprise and relief as the rest of the information about what this seemingly elusive thing is I have been having such a struggle with.
With chores, coaching, teaching, and the horses, I usually allow these feelings to flow… Unless there is someone who starts to spew way to many questions of the hesitation to commit as they continue to stare at and wrestle with the problem. Words don’t teach, they assist in understanding, but it is our seeing in our mind the finished solution that suddenly causes the path to light up and show itself. I am suddenly, very appreciative of all the times I was so head on with what to do and praised for my common sense. Now aware of how I have been tapping in to my inner self and trusting the answers that present themselves for ME!
It’s the talking with and to others in the last few months that has finally caused me to realize this. It is being talked out of my gut instincts and into my head to defend or explain how and why I come up with the answers I do. Now I am seeing how when others start talking or questioning me it is a form of frustration, confusion or distrust of things being easier and simpler than “they” were taught. It’s supposed to be hard, take forever, have all of these problems… and my answers usually come so fast and simple… I have been questioning my own right to know, trust, much less connect with my own instinctive responses. Hmmmm… as I allow this to really sink in I realize horses don’t talk when they communicate they just “DO” the solution, the next movement, the next step as they are committed to their end result!
“Enough, walk” I yell… then catching myself, breathe, calm, cool, allowing him the option to ride quietly, or walk. A mumbled apology, as I start to criticize myself for getting mad, but catch myself, breathe again, and again. Drive to work noticing I have put no sugar in my coffee. Oh well, I clock in, he assures me he can handle waking himself back up, calling his brother to rearrange the transportation home this evening. I AM FREE!
I go start my bus, drive to the coffee stop, get sugar. Do my route student by student, to notice I am starting to shake. Hmmm, no caffeine, no breakfast, but the closer I get to the end of my morning route, the worse the shakes get. I continue to drive, reflecting back to earlier and the frustration… Nope that’s not it. End the route, sign out, drive to get gas, and the closer I get to home the more noticeable the shaking. Paying attention, get to the house, feed, hay, make evening rations, shaking has become less, but noticeable.
I get in the house, the phone rings, it is the first college advisor for today’s meeting. Shaking is more evident. We do the pleasantries as I turn on the computer to pull up the enrollment forms. For the next hour and a half I struggle with the computer to fill out the form. My computer, repeatedly refusing to do the simplest commands, my fingers miss-typing, the form closing and refreshing on its own. Finally it’s done, I hit send, we say are goodbye’s, they will let me know something by Friday.
The phone rings, my horse trimmer will be here by 11. She hangs up, the phone rings, its college councilor number 2. Same pleasantries, same forms, just much easier because I know the drill and have all the necessary information out in front of me to fill out this school’s paperwork. But the shaking is stronger, begging my attention, trying to shake me awake… I am just doing what is being asked, expected, filling out forms. I ask “how much time do I have to decide” A big bell goes off, as she says 2 weeks, we then say goodbye, as I tell her my first appointment is here.
It’s my horse trimmer, Abe comrade, partner in horse information, who notices I am rattled, so we just sit for about 10 minutes catching up. Then head out to trim the horses, I handle them, while she trims. In the next three hours I get calmer, more centered, breathing again and I notice no more shakes. She notices and comments, as we discuss the foot differences on the male horses, the female ones, the way it reflects in both of our lives. We know all the patterns, the indications, we can see the changes that have occurred physically in the horses, in comparison to the emotional differences fo us in the same time period. We understand all of the reflections going on, laughing we go and treat ourselves to lunch.
It is only after she drops me back off it dawns on me about this last week. I didn’t start teaching to win or make money. I taught because someone else was in love with horses and wanted to know and learn how to ride and be allowed to love them like I did. I took on the ones every one else gave up on and I just loved them anyway. Even now as I try to type about how going back to school feels like giving up my freedom, my side hurts like I am trying to bend over someway I know better than. I am in this contorted state, over ???? making a choice that “sounds logical.” Just that thought is enough to change the subject…
I had the most amazing lesson tonight, the young woman, learned to balance with her body, to sync up with the horse, to stop thinking how to ride, and just find the feel of what was going. She got in touch with her inner self, she found the horse’s rhythm, she had fun, she has mastered stopping, turning, trotting, loping and flying lead changes from the right to the left. We had a blast, she loves the learning, and I love the teaching…DUH!!!! I know, I know, I know… I have just been trying To Do The Right Thing, not Feel For What’s Right For ME! Grinning like the cat I know I am!
Desiring so much for a day of honing what it is I desire. The Abe’s from last night led me to the one that I posted and then the one after that completely relaxed my mind and sent me smiling off to bed. Set such a perfect, quieter mood for the new duet of my youngest and me, traveling together at 5:30 am. Me for my route, him for a ride to town, to then walk to his Alt School, we drive up, park and then my freedom begins. Not realizing till I have walked away from him toward my bus, how much I treasure my space, my aloneness. Then quietly in my mind, thanking him for this discovery, I start the bus and feel my way forward.
I then got up, wandered into the kitchen, knowing my youngest had pre-made the coffee the night before. There is a few dirty dishes, one in fraction of this stage of the game. The coffee pot is sitting on the counter, empty?? I figured he must have forgotten to set the programmer. When I get this urge to follow the light rays I see in the hall. Suspecting what I am about to find. I open his door, his game screen is on and he is still in bed. Means he is late, as he was supposed to ride his bike, the two miles over to Wal Mart to meet his brother at 8, and it is 7:55 now. So I wake him up and tell him, his brother is going to be pissed, cause he is not out of bed and on his way to the meeting place. He gets up yelling at me??? I explain who is helping who? Leaving him to figure out what he could do next to solve his dilemma.
Walk back into the kitchen, now from this different door view spy the expected coffee. All down the side of the cabinet, on the floor, back under the sacks, everywhere a full coffee machine would spread the flow if the pot was not in the receiving position. I now know he did everything to make the coffee except, double checking, taking the time to see he had all of the steps done, taken care of, checked off, followed through. He comes in more yelling, can’t find his phone, can’t do the chores he was supposed to have done before he left, can’t find his shoes, and what was I looking at? I explained yelling was not making a great case for him, pointed out the misplaced coffee pot, the coffee everywhere, and the three other simple things from last night’s list, started, but not completed, or done correctly to benefit whom ever needed or used the items next.
A mumbled apology, “he’s figuring this out, we will find an answer”. Dressed, grungy, out the door, down the road on his bike. I now look at the kitchen, think…no feel for what do I want, hmmm? Coffee, so I start the cleanup, do the counter, then the wall, and down to the floor, first wiping it up, then cleaning spray, drying it down and off. Taking the used paper towel to the trash, I find the garbage sack at the bottom with all the accumulated trash on top, I take a deep breath, dig through the thankfully just paper towels off the roll he had gotten wet, by “accident” and discarded. Find the sack, with the band that holds it in place inside of it, and reassemble all the pieces. Go back to make the coffee, needing the measuring spoon, now not on top with the coffee where it belongs. I open the utensil drawer under the coffee maker to find the missing item, and coffee all leaked in there from the overflowing brewer. It all comes streaming forward, out the corner, back down the side of the cabinet, onto the floor, on all of these freshly cleaned surfaces. My mind reminds me of old lessons in cleaning, always from the top to the bottom. So I start the cleaning process again. The phone rings, it’s my youngest the neighbor is headed to Wal Mart, is he allowed to accept a ride for he and his bike? Wow, calling and asking first for permission to do things, cool, so I say yes, and expect a call when he gets with his brother.
Back to me, my needs, my feeling for answers. As I am going through the drawer, sorting, sifting, moving, re-arranging and cleaning each item, and the trays they are separated into, I notice that one tray has small, specialized utensils in it. The next tray has openers, of every type, style, and age of my life… I start reflecting of all the things I am opening up, sifting through, looking at to decide if they still fit and work for me, to then discard that which is out of date, unwarranted, or no longer used. I notice 3 really old fashioned bottle openers, and then realize the age of the house I live in, built in the 1930’s, my mom’s time. I become aware of how many of the ideas, thoughts and teachings I am letting go of and changing, reflect back to then. How much of my habits are strong reflections of my place in the rigid, family structure, taught and adhered to for so long. How and why I have held onto, lived with and kept so many things for so extremely long.
I grew up with hand-me-downs, take care of your little sister, play with her, share with the others, wait your turn, and leftovers. I learned to take what I was given, I was never enough, I was the go to person. I didn’t know how to fit or blend in. I was bigger, stronger, the tom boy, independent, athletic, and last. So I was suppose to allow for the others, and wait…
I kept cleaning, thinking, feeling, knowing I was onto something big, bigger than all the times before when I thought I had worked through this stuff. I made my coffee, when the cat began this incessant weaving in and out of my legs, acting starved, and attempting distractions for her to be first. I pushed her away, go to put in the coffee filter, it’s to small?? I reach back for the package, hmm 4 cup filter instead of 12, I will make do, figure it out. Suddenly thinking back to how much of my life has been the learned response from parents who grew up having to make do, hand me downs, figuring out how to scrimp and save, from their parents who grew up during World War 1 and 2. I think about how long and well I can make things last, how I learned to accept and love things till they fell apart. Always being cautioned about “you don’t know what you are getting yourself into?” Learning to hide whatever I was doing, because I just did what felt good at the moment… later to discover there were rules, regulations, expectations, and absolute no no’s that were punishable for being different.
I get the coffee set up, on, the pot in place, utensils, counters, and floor cleaned to start out to feed. Whack a set of claws across the shins,”ow” I look down she is pissed, I am taking way too long, I walk toward the feed container, “hiss” and KC springing from the sit position, splat! Right into a perfectly timed shoving foot, mad and indignant she goes over and sits by her bowl. I upright the feed container, looking at her bowl, to discover she still has feed in it, just not fresh, this mornings… Hmm I get the refill cup, put in ¼ cup, then refill it and head out to Minxy’s bowl outside. Call for her, she comes up, waits to be fed, then looks if I will offer a pet or scratch. I scoop her up, allow the soft needling of her claws, reveling in her ability to fend for herself, loving me as I am and accepting things here one aware moment at a time.
Head to the horses, who I have learned to not keep on a tightly, timed schedule, starting with their feed. As I walk up to Revolver, he pins his ear, chest up, neck arched…I am in an awareness mode. I look at him, look at his feed bucket, stand up straighter, to look at his feet and ask”back?” He stands there, raises his head just a smidgen, I lower my voice, up my entire body language and before the words can come out of my mouth, he takes two steps back, acquiescing to my knowing who the leader is. I feed him watching as I walk away that his manner remains nice, no ear pinning in suggestion that he has run me off as I am leaving. Walk to Freckles, all head up begging, pushy, I again ask “back” he raises his head in a “but please manner”, I announce “back, back, back” he puts his head to the side and takes the tentative required steps away. I continue on to Gidget, the little girl, asking for her to back up and wait. The response is “but I’m special, do I have to?” I just stand there; she finally takes a breath, lowers her head and steps back. I feed her and move on to Charlie, big, lovable, clown, who has the entire feeder full of dirt from frolicking waiting his turn. I walk up ask for the back, he picks his head up, looks down the side of his nose like “what’s up boss?” I just wait, he drops his head, tilts it sideways, noting my response, then takes the steps backwards, till I fill his bucket and walk away.
I know my world is constantly showing and sharing with me where I am at in my ability to receive and give. I am learning, I am allowing myself to feel for what I need next, now, as being my only agenda. All of this coming from the awareness of the last thoughts before I drifted off to sleep last night, of my world and all of the things that are constantly doing the “me” first dance in front of me. The hundreds of emails demanding I notice something is on sale, limited time only, money I can have if I do whatever hoop jumping they want now to get it, bills that send out reminders on the day they expect or expected payment if not received that day, though the actual late day is days, weeks, sometimes a full month away. The millions of things every other moment of the day, begging for my attention because I “should” feel guilty, sorry, angry, or frustrated enough to pay them attention so I can then have some peace and sanity for and to myself. I truly am beginning to love, sort, sift and feel for the next best thing for me, by me, with me…Because I am worth it, I have faith in the God, Universe, Source that put me here to experience life in my shoes! Concsious Awareness Training Sessions this is what I teach, who I am, what I share, live, learn, and adapt my every moment with!
Doubly interesting one in going to take the picture of my sign, my youngest’s handiwork has fiddled with my good camera, so I have to relearn it to figure out what settings he has changed. But I just took the best picture ever with my phone, sent it to myself, cropped it, saved it and in sharing it realized it is the first time I have just put my new sign up on the internet. Like I am suddenly realizing my true value of me and my abilities to share with those who are seeking this form of teaching! Way Cool!
That felt so real, so alive, and so right. My eyes found my affirmations. Yep, they still felt like me. Spied my check from the Universe, yep, still easy to visualize receiving it, with several more bigger and smaller ones in a simple flowing incoming stream. Then I found my dresser drawers, deliberately picking underwear that was colorful, soft, comfortable and sensual, in a desire to honor this awareness that was streaming through me.
Showered, taking my time, aware of the sensations, then conscious of my feeling of fascination of nothing more than just washing, cleaning, and becoming ready for the day ahead. On to drying my body and my hair with… nope, nothing remarkable happening, other than the fascination of this stepping back and just observing myself. Coffee, cats’ fed, truck started, back in for my wallet, awareness of the sky, more fascination of the clouds lighted up in areas where the reflection of glow came from the building and the cities closest to my place. Gate swung open easily, I drove to work, still just feeling my way.
The morning drive had the feel of the Northern lights in the low overcast sky, clouds changing and portraying in several array of shades and colors the interesting hues of choice from owners of the various vehicles participating in my world of viewing, I was now aware of the word “fascination” in a whole new context. By allowing myself to view things from being fascinated instead of judging or deciding what is there, everything becomes softer, easier, much more simpler to take in and feel. So I drive, writing several chapters of this story or series of stories that show up in my head. One part or story about the beginnings, the series of events that originally shaped the person’s view of and about their life. The next story or section of the book, about the cast of characters, some blurbs /quick insertions about the tales with them and the main character how this influenced the view chosen and applicable at that time. Then a story/section about the present cast of animals, how they constantly mirrored to the participant their approach to the world, and how each change caused in critter equally influenced the reciprocal change in this person. The next section/story about the jobs, the choices, the changes, the decisions made even though feeling right or wrong at the time. How they fully reflected in a looking back, now so many miles, years later.
The final chapters or pages… a constant, ongoing progress, the highs, the lows, the loves, the losses, the new ways to view old ideas, perceptions, things, the tools found and now shared in the recounting of their uses in the daily chapters or pages as life continues evolving and becoming. Now is always the next page we turn, always up to us to how we use it, view, or feel it. I am so in love with this new view of fascination… the power it holds and now shares with me!
My drive then became an awareness of perception… Pat Parelli defines normal behavior “Normal is what everybody does that everybody else is doing when they have half a mind to. The only reason everybody does what everybody else is doing is because everybody else is doing it. In other words, peer pressure. But what’s normal changes every 60 miles and every 6 months.”
Or in my observations this morning, how close one looks and the choice of how one chooses to view it. Now displayed out in front of me by the myriad of colors flowing past me as I drive, with huge expanses of golden tan grass, now frost bitten arranged in its winter coat. There amongst vivid greens of the fresh winter wheat attempting its bid in the open and sparsely vegetated spots. I also find lighter hues of greens and shades of tan, which at distant quick glance seem different, yet when looked at closer it’s the exact same plants, just spaced more randomly, now intermixed with other contrasting growth. Giving an entire palette to be taken in, enjoyed for the beauty of the coming cooler months. Where a different viewer might see the straggled, loose growth of unwanted plants and weeds to be cut, trimmed, uprooted and plowed under for their visualization of what’s to become a few months down the road.
I am so fascinated with yesterday’s lesson. I now look back at how I could of been more aware of the coming storm sooner if I had payed closer attention to my body, in its sudden desire to add a little sweeter taste to the meat sauce. Then again before the total blow up, I remembered suddenly having eaten, in quick succession, six cookies, which were quickly followed by six more. Then the progression to the stepping on the sticky stuff, which proved to be more sugar… unnecessary, except for the small sticking place I had been aware of in my relationship with my youngest. Yet quietly watching, waiting, then trying to bury in the sudden urge for sugar.
Yes, I am listening closer, being more aware with now learning that by keeping the fascinated little child alive, the view can be so different and simpler. These learning sessions are coming, happening, healing and changing, leaving me to just enjoy the freedom each new moment of now weaves into this new fuller, fantastic tapestry of love, joy, and ever expanding ideas and visions for my tomorrows!