Category Archives: releasing
After all this practicing of learning to meditate and focus… and doing an incredible job of it. “Except…”
My inner being feels much louder now that I have found the way to quiet so much of the old programs from others which use to have control over most of my attention. The false old belief that fitting in was important. Making others happy by saving those in pain, despair, woe or whatever other drama they brought to the forefront of my attention to their neediness was the solution to being or having it all.
The voice spoke again, just a whisper as it knew I was listening…
You did so well last night, the pain that woke you about four this morning. You got up, took something for it, rearranged the bed, even turned the heating pad on low, to go back to sleep and wake up feeling fine.
Then the phone message ding… Need ride! Son hurriedly texted after checking to see if you were awake. Both of those texts you just answered. There was no focus. No thought as you read what was texted to sense inside for your feelings, then think and feel for the best answer for you.
First responder habit still has dibs on you!
No excuses seemed even a little bit plausible, as I felt the beginning of discomfort in my head. Then I grinned. The very discomfort I was feeling, was also the key to me allowing my inner self access to my attention again… from when moments before I told myself I was “having” to finish playing all of the players shown waiting in the queue, then I could go blog about what I’d discovered was true for me with the judging, focus, and looking away outside to others habit, taught in manifesting living the “perfect life”.
Softly the voice went on… Meditation was learned to quiet your mind. Focus was to learn how to hone in on “one” thing at a time. Awareness was to learn thoughts and feelings are partners in creating anything. All of these can create the most simple or complex creations when they work together.
Allowing was to learn and realize that judgment divides. In giving up deciding right from wrong, the focus is no longer outside of you. Everything is just choices to choose to continue to look at and create more of, or let go of to allow new thoughts to experience in.
The conversation with your son went better. You allowed him the choice of ranting on about all the things impossible about his transportation situation. Faced it straight on and gave him two choices that worked perfectly for you. Both required him to step up and figure out the best answer for him, from inside himself. No band aids, no hand outs, no exceptions. It’s his life.
It took for you to starting to feel physically off, stopping all of the excuses of your own “outside attention others first awareness” to feel for what you, all of your body needed. You slowed down, turned off the game without finishing it. Closed the browser, just sat with yourself, to focus on what would feel best… right now. Got quiet. Waited… to see the bottle of medicine in your mind, the amount to take with water. Then after taking care of yourself. Sat down and allowed the words to flow…
Damn… and now not only do you feel better… you finished a blog. Good Job!!!
I love this new way of tuning in to me, listening to what I am telling myself. Actually hearing all of the crazy, justifying statements that were almost silent roadblocks in any of my own movement forward. Loving when I’m in a focused state, fully invested in the experience and aligned with what is going on in the present moment. I am not worried about the outcome or any means to an end. I am learning how to be present and move with intention in caring about all of Me! Congratulating, praising and honoring all of this which is coming from within me, to me, for me. It’s so powerfully changing, honing and improving every aspect of my life.
Tears streaming down my face in apology, with no one physically present to have to apologize to. For something so simple that “I thought” I had unwittingly created a problem because I didn’t read all of the rules… After I received a polite reminder from a group I’m in.
When the feelings first came up of… shame, guilt, admonishment, reprisal??? My first thoughts started to run, I mean truly run off down that old bunny trail habit of beating myself up for my “mistake in not getting it right”… by accident.
Oh my God, who did I think I was?? I was just sharing, assisting, unasked, but coming from my best intention of the information being shared was valuable and might be of use to someone, besides just me.
When the second thought thankfully, quickly filled my mind… Cry, scream, bawl!!! React to exactly how I feel at this moment. For God’s sake woman, let it out, please don’t you dare stuff it again. Get in touch with all of yourself. That is what this moment is trying to teach you.
Don’t you feel it. Doesn’t it feel off? This reaction. This habit of thinking when someone else is just trying to reach out to let you know that you missed a turn. You went a block past your street. There is something here for you to learn. Your okay. It’s just a new step for you to choose, a new way to respond. A new better feeling belief to put in place, to replace a yucky old one that has been gumming up your reactions for years.
Ahh!!! The relief in actually listening to my thoughts and then truly finding what I am feeling as I have the thought. Something so simple as to actually respond to myself. By feeling, becoming present, honoring “my reaction” so I can find a new, better, feeling way to respond to each present moment.
Funny thing in being, in my allowing myself to be fully present with me just now. Was finding out how to fix one of the frustrating things about learning this new Office program. Where before I was inadvertently going from “insert mode” to “overwrite” mode and in not knowing how to fix it. I was just choosing to work around it, not understanding and scared of what I might have to learn… to utilize it. The answer now presented itself to me, as I was willing to be open to new possibilities to my “old reactive feeling thoughts”. By being open, actually acknowledging what I felt to be present in me. Allowed new possibilities in my life to show themselves now that I could actually see what I was doing to myself. Things are always working out for me when I allow, listen and feel for my inner guidance, present, in the moment.
Wasn’t sure just where to start… figuring I would let it flow and see what came about in my awareness of living life with the Heart I now find at the very edge of each and every thought. As I have been soaking up the newness of change… in my own beliefs, words, and realizations from others experiences so lovingly shared and found when one searches. Necessary from my previously unknown tendency to take “to heart” and become what others needed me to be so they might be happy.
Thankfully, whenever I last wrote here, a few days later I was sent a notice that another person was following my blog, so I went back to read one of the post they liked. Which led to my reading two other post I had written months apart, yet basically just loops of the same place I was struggling in. I stepped back. Tried to look around to truly see as best possible of where I was. To start clearing, cleaning, changing and feeling for what was it I was truly “Wanting”!
This last weekend found me deep within connecting to my self in an entirely new profound way. I was looking into my own eyes, feeling my focus for what I saw… was I truly looking inside of me, or just at the physical aspects of me? How was I thinking? From the thoughts of what my looks were or where my looks were radiating from…
I have a new 3 ½ year old filly. The first day I went to see her I had a flash of intuition of who she truly would become. Loaded her up and she came home with me. Starting with… vet, wormed, chiropractor, farrier, 60 days ground work of her consistently “taking directions”… noting how aware she was of guarding her right side. Slow, careful, consistent 21 days under saddle.
Day 22… noted how old the earpiece on the bridle was (to be changed later). Which found me hard on the ground minutes later, after her panicked run into the fence when the bridle broke at the buckled spot and she tried to get away from this swinging piece near her eye. I “panicked” by physically making sure we did not run through the fence as she started to collide with it. Once turned she immediately unloaded her once confident rider, and two jumps later as I am refilling my lungs with air. She turns and walks back up to me with reins and bridle dangling from around her neck to find out what was so scary.
Healing is a mental thing, I knew I had missed something… I stopped and went back to the start, with slow, observant ground work. When I happened to reach over to the right side of her face where the bridle gave and found the still, very acute panic that had been apparent in her at the beginning. That which I had “obediently trained” her past. Suddenly having a very strong memory of my ole man “Chic” and the fear so strongly present in him when I first finally got to own him, and the months of slow, careful, conscious time earning his trust. Realizations of who I was and what I have been missing in my assisting others to change, all of these many years later after he died.
I forgot the Heart, Soul, and Look of Eagles when the light goes on because another knows you are listening to “ALL” of them. Seeing another as who they see themselves to be. Not who others think they should, could or ought to be.
Acutely aware of the time I went to a rodeo type event when I first moved back here and won 5 of the 7 events, placing 2nd in the others because I had to learn them minutes before competing. So relishing the comrade of being noticed, talked to and “accepted”. Highly aware of the one common comment “What I did was awesome BUT how much faster I would be when I learned to do it like they all did!”
Basically I went to clinics… untaught, untrained and disciplined myself to obediently follow the guidelines, finding the winnings getting less and less. Unless I started a beginning rider or horse with my self taught basics. From which they would start winning, only to be enticed to other stables so they could fit in and “Really Win”. I’d lost my own heart, trained it obediently away and didn’t even know it.
Thankfully I have never given up, just learned to slow down, start over and examine “everything!” Which blissfully led to this last weekend with my three different horses, now with a heartfelt connection to me, as I am looking and treating them as full valuable partners. Allowing them to know we are doing this together, step by step. The reward in their letting down, letting in, and amazed at the immense physical releases of their years worth of just “being obedient” yet having no real say in the partnership.
The run, run, hurry, hurry, everyone wants it now! Why aren’t you riding, trotting, loping, winning or on them yet demands. I had bought into the outcome, quantity, and “other peoples” wants for the mount to be just ridden and controlled. Their horses obediently following directions and going through the motions.
Not the quality and class of bringing the whole horse I am so capable and available to assist others in finding. The “Look of Eagles” in their eyes in full partnership, each a full half of the team. The team that sparkles and shines because of the connection of being powerful beings “Together, calm, connected, confident, classy, full Partners in Heart.”
The last few days have found me in a remarkable feat of truly cleaning house, barn and office. Espying things I so desire to now have, as I look around at what is here that I can change in a very concrete steps of movement forward, and all the while with an ear turned inward listening to the latest conversations going on in my head. Which less and less lately have been arguments between my old insistence of holding on to parts of my past that truly no longer serve me anymore and the truth of just letting go of them. I am realizing many of the items were things I was talked into and then have been clinging so hard to the imagined importance they have in my life.
The entire time my body has been orchestrating so many of the decisions by twinges of discomfort when I pick up an item to dispose of, then change my mind and put it back. Only to be met by a dull ache, which within minutes easily escalates to a full pain of “no, go it must”, after finding, pulling, stretching, massaging, even aspirin are not letting me off the hook.
Today finding me loads lighter, after several trips to sell, donate, or throw away various pieces and piles of memories I know needed to be looked at in a new light. Appreciated for their time in service to me and applauded for their holding out till I was ready to see… I truly can have my life, anyway that I desire. When I line up my outside world view with the way the inner me guides me to embrace my truly heart felt decisions. Guided by this whole body (heart, mind and spirit) which has been talking to me all along, just my understanding of right, wrong, rules, and long held decisions proclaimed to me from others as their truths. Really were “their” truths, they just didn’t and don’t fit me.
From my 29 x 38-40 inch inseams, to my size 8 ½ D men’s shoe size (that translates to about a 10 ½ to 11 in women’s) with my broad size large shoulders, to have to take up to a medium/small waste. My taste of cowboy boots, Wrangler blue jeans, and mostly cotton, soft to the touch, colorful sleeveless shirts, which I buy for the way they feel and fit. The sleeves are usually not long enough to get to my wrist, so I cut the sleeves off, redesign them into the pockets I prefer on shirts to hold my chapstick when I am out with the horses.
I am aware of my body’s guidance even now as I type for the words which just flow across the page, except for the feeling of stop, look again, maybe… then an aha as the right words fill in the pause of… hmmm, no not that… Yep that is perfect, as I smile aware of me finally getting me right. Topped off by the last few days of amazing, wonderful incidents of after each situation occurred and I calmly addressed the “that’s not what I had planned” with the words and the feelings of “this or something better” which resonated completely through all parts of me.
Last night’s clients choosing to wait two weeks to pay at the actual next lesson, instead of their usual pre-paying before the start of each new series. I breathed, smiled, said sure, while changing my plans for a meal out to what could be thrown together without going to town. As my youngest walked in, asked where we were going for supper, and before I could even get my thoughts together, said “my treat”, so off we went for a simple together supper. Where he then informed me he has been using my “thank you box” for himself. Hmm imagine that.
With this morning’s lesson a no show, I relished the cool weather and great ground after last night’s shower for me and my horses to utilize and enjoy. Followed by a quick trip to the feed and grocery store with a compelling urge to stop and buy some scratch off tickets. Which after all feed and groceries were put up, revealed 3 purchased tickets, 3 winners, $37.00 to the plus. All by listening to the inner guidance of my feeling good, my confidence with the quick impulses and my trusting my body for the distinct yes’s when I feel fine and the aches signaling I am out of sorts thinking and living from someone else’s beliefs or ideas of what is best for me.
Finding a peaceful, truly open feeling at my place as I discarded all of the stuff other’s, in their attempt to make my life comfortable to their beliefs and ideas of who I was expected to be. Now opens up and expands as I live for me, loving, caring and listening to all parts of me, guided by my every breath to know what is best and right for me to be the best me, listening to the Source within me!
I retire to be able to drive, but he did walk in to find instructions about being ready, on his own, when I leave at 5:20. I woke up, got ready, tried to walk through the house to just start my truck, and then go get my coffee. Leave him to figure things out, but the guilty mom snuck up, grabbed me, forced me to walk to his room door and state I was leaving. Where the struggle began, him begging me to wait, help him find all his stuff. I started to and then argh… made my coffee, told him to call me when he got to the bus yard. I was now late, I was leaving! I got to the yard, aggravated with myself, started my bus, asked to be notified when he showed up. It was 32 degrees and the bus mechanic, said I was mean. I stated my son is now 14, he is 6 foot tall, plays football and it is only 2 miles from the house to the bus yard. I drive worrying, annoyed, and hoping/sort of knowing I did the right thing.
At 6:05 I get a call on the radio my son has arrived. I breathe. At 7:05 they call again to say he has left the barn to walk the 4 blocks to school. I will get through this.
Go buy feed, come unload feed, feed all the animals and get out my equipment to ride. Still reminding myself I can do this. Spy my contracts sitting on desk that need to be updated… the next thing I know I have completely re-done them, and started a redraw on my logo. Feeling really good with all of this organizing and creativity, check my email and read the post from others at the Challenge. Cool one about my last name Friske and nickname Cat. A couple of suggestions about my logo, now feeling much better I go to ride, five horses, and all of them struggling a little (I keep breathing and they get better) till we find the place of openness and understanding.
The UPS guy drops off my late Christmas order, my new card arrives, a lot to play with for later this week. I go back to work, noticing all the silence as I drive with my regular phone down and the new temporary one has no music. I get my mind almost back to peaceful as my afternoon run is done. Just in the going to get my son I can feel myself preparing to defend myself before I even talk to him. Making for a spewing off of the new rules so that I have a life, he has a life, we will find a middle ground.
I meander in here to write, check off he volunteered to fix supper. I am tired, I am going to figure this out, not all at once but at least I have it identified. Am going to eat, watch a funny movie, take the shortest route to sleep and congratulate myself cause I kept to just frustration, creativity, and accomplish posting this… It will get better!
I then headed into work listening and feeling for more information. I drove… letting words ramble in and out of my head. Some of them consisting of old stories which now when they come up to present themselves to me, I realize these stories always hold clues. Much like an old tapestry with millions of wonderful threads, whose picture, though present seems fuzzy, out of focus. The patterns from before thrown together for a quickly finished, shady project, lacking the luster and warmth of love and lif,e understood and fully lived. In the hurry of the weaver to just get it done, finished, to be able to go on to the next.
I have been gathering each thread as I find the trail of where and how it has been sewn into my past memories, with only the view I had known in the past. Awareness now changing the entire selection into a beautiful, luscious, engaging view as I learn to find the understanding that was missed before, with all of my anger, blame and low sense of self, in trying to live my life by making others happy.
A very strong memory comes to the surface, it is one that has risen many times in the past, gathering my full attention to the lack of my own follow through because I loved and respected others wishes before mine. “Before mine” my mind shot back at me, as I wrestled with the frustration so easily to come to the forefront. I shook it off, but in the shaking, rattled a new thought which found me. Now before my mind’s eye flashed a dozen different times I would date others to fit into the mold I had been taught since small. How much this one scenario and a few others differentiated from the strict guidelines always causing me to think my choice out. Then I would choose to make nice, keep everyone happy, placing another bar on the door, another thread woven, forced into place.
As I am watching these stories, I suddenly feel and find peace… I am okay, I get it. The ahhh so felt in the sigh, here was this guy, I was friends with, I would do anything for, I was miles (374) away from home. No one to watch, judge, speculate or tell on me. I was on my own. Four of the six scholarships I had received at graduation, plus working 80 hours a week had given me my freedom. I was away at a rodeo college, deep in the middle of Texas mountains, the nearest next big town 150 miles north, south, or east. Pristine, gorgeous, clear, clean skies, miles of nothing but views, horses, cattle, cowboys…free! Free to choose, pick, and decide for myself. He was in several of my classes. We were just friends. He had all the things I so desired, dreamed about, wanted. Horses, truck, trailer, dogs, and he roped. We played cards, aggravated, teased, just a great friend. He discovered my tendency for working for a quick buck, and his immense dislike for cleaning. So we traded, apartment cleaning, truck washing, pants mended, whatever he came up with…I accomplished.
He liked the girl in the dorm room next to me, I instigated a date. We were friends. I met his folks, they liked “me”. I was cool with just being friends, having fun. Second semester, suddenly my mom offers to contribute to my college by paying for every other semester, after…I completed the previous one.
Suddenly my mind sees the miswoven thread. I had mistakenly in my mind given up my freedom to choose. Now I was doing everything to tow the mark, to have them help fund half my college. Somewhere I bought into from old years of practice of my past if I screwed up and didn’t make them happy, “I”, who was not like the others. “Cathy” and all the myriads of nicknames no one at college knew, so I got to totally reinvent myself. I was “allowing” myself to believe they held the answers, they held the keys, I was not good enough. So when they met him, as he helped load my stuff on their truck to take me back home for the summer. They informed me by both their looks down their noses at him, plus the long speech of where would my life be if I were with a cowboy, remember “their” game plans.
So I walked away, and kept walking away from the few I did meet, and his picture that kept resurfacing. Cause of this feeling, woven tight, deep, and constantly through my life, which I allowed to put a strangle hold on me. Including, as I was re-examining it now, as I weave it into the new place of beauty and freedom. That story was also a total match for my financial pattern. Always working, striving aiming for this mark down the road. Where only when I live up and fulfill this ideal from and to please others will I receive the pot of gold they had extended out as an ever lengthening carrot stick.
Wow, I rock, I am listening, my body is communicating, I find the answers, the pains, and aches disappear. I am incredible, I am allowed…To be anything, anybody, whatever flips my switch. Today is another step in my continuing journey toward all of me!