Category Archives: relief
First time in a very long while that the desire to write actually brought me to stop, sit down and just let my fingers follow the awareness’s found today.
This morning found me busy, doing all the things so that everything was in place, and ready for my two Sunday lessons. Round pen watered, horses fed and hayed, all equipment out, available and in place, with a last minute check to see if anything else needed to be done, so that things were just right.
Two hours later, found my students happy, successful, sweaty and glowing with their personal accomplishments. And me in the conflict after scheduling the next set of lessons, even earlier in the morning to avoid as much of the Texas heat as possible.
I was soaked in sweat, hair, shirt, most of my jeans, but at least my socks and shoes were dry and though heavy easy to slip off as I walked back into the welcoming cool of the house. After tending to the washed and watered off lesson horse, to send him and the other two loose for the rest of this Sunday. Aware of the feeling of my every thought, the heat, taking care of all others first, the reality of how great my place looked in perfect order.
Yet I could feel something was off. Aware of the tiredness from last night’s closing shift at 11, in bed by 12 to the early alarm at 7. All of this calculating, planning and double checking… felt off. I got myself some more water, started up a solitaire game, turned on some Abraham Hick’s, to feel the words soaking through my last few weeks of house cleaning to get to the bottom of this peculiar off feeling, permeating my skin at every move.
My eyes became heavy, as my entire body demanded rest, I flipped on a meditation and allowed it to take me away. Awakening to this feeling of recognition of an answer… to find the upside down heart my meditation afghan had formed, tossed off in my body’s desire for super cooling down. The answer ringing in my ears, as I replayed, then wrote out the entire end of the Abraham from earlier to truly let the words sink in, of my “chronic thoughts, that I’m thinking on a really regular basis, that fly in the face of who I really am and what I really know and it’s thoughts like the source within me knows that I am destined to fantastic success and than I am taking score of where I am and doubt that from time to time the source within me knows that there is no competitions. As I sometimes see others in what they are doing as competition and I feel that discomfort in that the source within me knows that what I think I want is still going to expand still further. In other words I haven’t even begun to tap the resources that are flowing to me…”
All of this belief in competition, my opinion of any other, what they are doing, wearing, breathing, speaking trying, becoming or thinking of me. Is not any of my business. It takes me away from feeling good! Away from being enough, better, or worse. It’s a habit of thought brought on by years of buying into “everyone elses opinion” of me matters, so that must mean I must either live up to their expectations or they must live up to mind. How crazy my life has been by believing in standards, trying to fit in, stand out, not fit in or even be seen.
When I felt the satisfaction of remembrance of each and every time I have ever created anything. Always caused, by an impulse, inspiration, awareness, or sudden idea that just “Felt Good” and I followed it. Not caring, not planning, just living fully, completely, in the moment. Reveling in my ability to connect to Source within me. With it’s Guiding, leading, dancing, co-creating the perfect solution for whatever had just caught my attention. To now be viewed in an entirely new way.
I’m back to being just me, doing living by finding and doing everything that feels good! 100 percent just playing and reveling with my fine tuning to be more and more me each and every moment of every day! Everyone else is off the hook to just be who they be!
Tears streaming down my face in apology, with no one physically present to have to apologize to. For something so simple that “I thought” I had unwittingly created a problem because I didn’t read all of the rules… After I received a polite reminder from a group I’m in.
When the feelings first came up of… shame, guilt, admonishment, reprisal??? My first thoughts started to run, I mean truly run off down that old bunny trail habit of beating myself up for my “mistake in not getting it right”… by accident.
Oh my God, who did I think I was?? I was just sharing, assisting, unasked, but coming from my best intention of the information being shared was valuable and might be of use to someone, besides just me.
When the second thought thankfully, quickly filled my mind… Cry, scream, bawl!!! React to exactly how I feel at this moment. For God’s sake woman, let it out, please don’t you dare stuff it again. Get in touch with all of yourself. That is what this moment is trying to teach you.
Don’t you feel it. Doesn’t it feel off? This reaction. This habit of thinking when someone else is just trying to reach out to let you know that you missed a turn. You went a block past your street. There is something here for you to learn. Your okay. It’s just a new step for you to choose, a new way to respond. A new better feeling belief to put in place, to replace a yucky old one that has been gumming up your reactions for years.
Ahh!!! The relief in actually listening to my thoughts and then truly finding what I am feeling as I have the thought. Something so simple as to actually respond to myself. By feeling, becoming present, honoring “my reaction” so I can find a new, better, feeling way to respond to each present moment.
Funny thing in being, in my allowing myself to be fully present with me just now. Was finding out how to fix one of the frustrating things about learning this new Office program. Where before I was inadvertently going from “insert mode” to “overwrite” mode and in not knowing how to fix it. I was just choosing to work around it, not understanding and scared of what I might have to learn… to utilize it. The answer now presented itself to me, as I was willing to be open to new possibilities to my “old reactive feeling thoughts”. By being open, actually acknowledging what I felt to be present in me. Allowed new possibilities in my life to show themselves now that I could actually see what I was doing to myself. Things are always working out for me when I allow, listen and feel for my inner guidance, present, in the moment.
Wandered outside to feed, ducking back in quickly for another layer, the temperature dipping another 10 degrees since yesterday’s storm. Cold, damp, air, that on my second venture outside was allowing me to be greeted by the rolling fog off of the warmer river casually meandering across the fields in my direction. Allowing me to ponder as I fed, the last few errands for the Christmas weekend, organizing my quick trip to town in my mind after my first cup of coffee.
Stepped in the bathroom started the shower so the water would be hot for when I go in, quickly put together my coffee maker, turned it on and then stepped into the waiting heat of the cascading water. Just standing there, letting it run, pell mell all over every part of me, feeling as if it was loosening and removing the layers that yesterday’s discovery had dislodged. Ten full minutes of just pounding, pulsing, cleansing water…then I added soap, lather, the cloth and scrubbed myself fully awake. Stepped out, dried off, got organized and off to town, coffee in my mug, several last minute shopping stops, and finally back home, so freaking tired, exhaustion oozing from every pore. So amazed at how much I had been fighting, and arguing with myself over it just had to be the “no” issue. Yet now, the total relief of just that one different realization, so tired, so glad to let it all go, with just horses still to do.
So I decide on easy, just lunging my four, all who come out so full and so feisty in such wickedly cold weather, after being kept in because of the sloppy footing from yesterday. I allow the play at the end of the line for each horse, the silliness, snorting, begging to be let go without the having to pay attention. I wait, I follow, I ask, more silliness from each one, until they get the edge off, come back, ears up, asking, hoping I will quit when they beg, but then aware of how much more centered I have become. Each in turn finally, drops their head to ask, come to me, breathing hard, but listening, waiting, and then I turn each one loose, till I am only left with the new guy.
Mine I know well what to expect on a super cold day with no turn out the day before. Him?? Well we shall see. I walk into his pen, he comes up, quietly, respectfully allowing me to halter him. Behaves almost flawlessly at grooming, saddling, in close warm up, and much more laid back on the lunge line, I am impressed. So I mount up, and have the most wonderful, listening, trying, learning steed for the next thirty minutes. Pleased with the ease of it all, my body thanking him, knowing I need the healing of taking things slow, restful, calm as I finish ingesting how much energy I had been using as I tenaciously held on against myself, all that trying so hard to make the wrong answer right.
But I congratulate myself, I can feel a tremendous difference, I feel a peace that I had known was near enough to sense, just hadn’t quite figured out the entire puzzle of my twisted threads, which now easily dangle in the breeze. Drying out, relaxing, and glistening anew on this day of nothingness. Just being, me, more whole than I can ever remember. I can do this!
Spying all of the fixings for sausage gravy and biscuits, I did a quick re-do of the coffee, diced up some onion, turned on the oven, added the meat, a little water to one skillet. Grabbed the frozen biscuits out of the freezer, counted out 8, popped them in the oven. Sautéed the onions, browned and seasoned the meat, had just finished adding the flour, a little milk and water as the timer went off. Presto breakfast as I hollered at the boys, who quickly went to feed, hayed and watered the animals to come back into plates, silverware, and glasses all set out by the stove for them. As I moseyed off with my already fixed plate and coffee. Quite pleased to have found the kitchen clean from their late night foraging, and them all being such wonderful help this morning.
Quick shower, dressed, while they gathered up the trash and did the dishes, and contributed things needed to the shopping list for the grocery store, after I picked up my feed. As I am organizing my mind, I keep getting this itch on the palm of my left hand, which whenever it happens, money comes. So I start savoring my journey, deciding how much fun can I have today. Amused with myself over how good I feel, even after I few rocky places last night. My salesman has a session with his computer as it kept changing the money amount due me. Finally after getting the manager, the computer did a turn around and printed the right results. I got loaded and down the road wondering how much more fun my sense of self would cause the next shopping spree, all the while feeling this nudging, pushing, sense of guidance to take my time, truly enjoy the process of listening, allowing and feeling my way into the something important that was almost here.
I shopped, got a few things for his cake tomorrow, more of the Top Ramen that they seem to think is wonderful. Noticing the flowers and imagining how great it will be to soon be getting them daily. Find a fast moving check-out zip in, zip out, pull in to the quik stop for a bag of ice, then check the mail box as I come in the drive. Woo hoo, year in dividend notice from the insurance company, leaving me a balance of $7.00 for this month and a birthday card with money for my youngest, whom I see has re-hung the Christmas lights and added a new string in the shape of a tree in the window.
I pull up, unload and they walk out to help. I question why they are still here, when I am told the oldest had something come up. What do I need help with, can they go up the road to the skate park, they swear they have everything done and in order. “Yes, you can go, after everything is unloaded and I double-check.” Which they and I do quickly, off they go as I settle down at the computer to write… no, not yet. I just kind of veg, I can feel something, something I need, I sense it will be a relief, I need and will revel in it. So I just sit and play a computer game, waiting…
I look at my watch, it is now 2:30 the young ladies will be here for their lesson in a bit. About then my youngest tells me my sister is coming to get him “and the boys” to take him out shopping for his birthday and all of them out to eat. I tell them to enjoy, and the thought hits me “I always seem to be working, when others are going places” my mind goes back over my life… thinking of how many times I have been left out or left behind because of what I do. For the first time I can remember, it’s not a sad thought, for I love what I do, except for I realize I have always had to refer to my training and teaching sessions as work. Old family beliefs “you can’t make enough money with horses, do you actually make enough money with what you do, and don’t tell me its fun, you’re playing or any of that other stuff…you are working, now act like it”. I’m grinning as I realize how I have almost had to hide my fun, by making it seem hard. Hmmm I think to myself as the girls arrive, and head down to the barn.
The horse is muddy, so we all groom, talk, and work on her together, since these two sisters take back to back lessons. One rides, the other audits and watches. We start with ground work, I demonstrate, she watches, I lend a hand or word of guidance, she finally “feels” the horse. So she stops the little mare, check the girth, mounts and walks her around, finding her rhythm, timing, movement with the horse till they both take a breath, and start moving together. The first thirty minutes is just about being, little re-positioning’s of the rider to allow for bend and softness with the horse. We move from the tire area to the long line of poles and cones to move in and out, simple exercises to increase bend and flow, between, in and around every other object.
She has made two complete times through the line, and I note the tightening up of the little mare, I ask the rider to change her hands, and the mare’s whole body is in total surrender, with a pleading look on her face. Knowing my horse I glance up all the way to find the rider holding a tight expression, tears brimming at the corner of her eyes, total confusion, frustration, signs of complete helplessness. I know something is there, beneath the surface, some old wound has been broken open, the look speaks of a desire, of a wanting something so bad, yet there is this huge fear of losing it if she speaks. I wander up close enough to get my hand on the horse’s rein, I lower my voice, I speak softly. I tell her about me, horses, how they have changed and saved my life many times, how they know the parts of us we think we can hide, they feel deep into the all of us. Here at my place it is a safe, sacred place, if I come close to talk, it’s just between me and the rider, it’s okay, every moment is a chance to start anew. There are no judgments here, every moment we are all learning something new, there is no wrong, it just takes the time it takes. I stop, I hold the reins, she sits there thinking…finally the mare takes a breath, she takes a breath, and we walk… for 10 minutes just letting her be, breathe, finding herself, and really finding her safe connection to the horse, to herself.
We get back up to a trot, she finds a sense of accomplishment, she does the turns, side passes, back up, and then gets the mare to softly drop her head, then dismounts. Hands the horse over to her sister, who has many of the same stuff riding wise, which she is also working on. The whole time she is riding, I keep my eye on the one now huddled up in her jacket, watching, dissecting, thinking, just holding in…holding on. Finally rider number two has a couple of oop’s she of course gets tickled, cause she stays with it, slows the horse back down, and then continues till she finds the connection she knows is there. Does the finishing routine, to ride the horse over to the gate and dismount. Both of them walking the little mare back, to unsaddle, brush down, give her some treats, put her up, and we talk, discuss the holidays, their trip back up north and then schedule for their next lesson.
I love what I do. I love the sacredness of the connections I watch, become, change, and be. I love the ability to know when and how to step in, to allow another to find, sometimes change old perceptions of themselves, or allow old beliefs and rules to change, let go. I love watching the weight of others slip away, as one finds its okay to just be, to allow, to have fun…to do something because you love it and because you can. We all deserve to live and enjoy life however it finds us!
I am not allowing myself to receive, something is holding, restraining me from allowing in all the abundance that I seek. I sighed; I was willing to allow myself to be guided to the answer. The next thought was check your email, hmmm, before my shower??? So I walked in the office turned on the computer, went to my in box. Oh my God, there were 6 comments from BLC. So went to the sight, tried to go to the comment section, the internet went down. So I took the feeling of anticipation from all of those comments waiting on me and showered, scrubbing, feeling, searching for any particle of uckiness that might be still there from yesterday, till all I could feel was clean, refreshed, awake and ready.
Got out, dried off, and with a keen sense of excitement, went and read all of the comments, so very fiercely needed, appreciated and desired. Then the tears began as I realized ya’ll all understand and are being blessed with your own insights and understandings from my writings. I really do have a gift to share, to offer, I really am aligned with the conversing part of me, I really do know how to share in words.
Then the word fiercely stuck in my head all morning:
Definition of FIERCELY
: in a fierce or vehement manner i>fiercely competitive>
: to a high degree : very i>fiercely expensive>
Related to FIERCELY
Synonyms: achingly, almighty, archly, awful, awfully, badly, beastly, blisteringly, bone, colossally, corking, cracking, damn, damned, dang, deadly, desperately, eminently, enormously, especially, ever, exceedingly (also exceeding), extra, extremely, fabulously, fantastically, far, very, filthy, frightfully, full, greatly, heavily, highly, hugely, immensely, incredibly, intensely, jolly, majorly, mightily, mighty, monstrous [chiefly dialect], mortally, most, much, particularly, passing, rattling, real, really, right, roaring, roaringly, seriously, severely, so, sore, sorely, spanking, specially, stinking, such, super, supremely, surpassingly, terribly, that, thumping, too, unco, uncommonly, vastly, vitally, way, whacking, wicked, wildly
To cause me as I drove to allow tons of layers of the bandages, cast, stitches, and coverings on my heart from so many with their good trained intentions of what or how I should be living began to fall away. As layer, after layer came to my awareness for me to examine and now see so very differently than ever before. I am in love with life, fiercely, completely, intentionally. Always have been, just been put down, shamed, discouraged, and disallowed anytime I began to show sparks of happiness, joy, and pure undiluted love for anything that did not fit the norm, standards, ideal, belief or wishes of others.
I have fiercely loved others, animals, places, things. People who have either not loved themselves, so it made them uncomfortable and could not handle so much of being adored for themselves. Did not fit in with my family or friends idea of what was best for me. I have loved animals, places and things that were the wrong color, type, sex, size, shape…etc. All fit the description of wrong for everyone but me. I just saw the possibilities and loved anyway.
I went into business for myself as a trainer, professionally in 1986. The only credentials I had at first were I “was” winning, just not in the style like everyone else. I took clinics and lessons… which kept me in the money, just now 2nd’s and 3rds. I did not have the accepted background. I was a city kid, till college and 1976 when I found a place to keep a horse and bought my first one. So I was a hungry trainer, took in kids for afterschool and taught them to have fun and ride on my horse. They began winning, everywhere I took them. I began having students, because the bigger trainers were full and I was available to have the kids dropped off after school from their school bus…My place was the first on the route. My kids and their horses began to win. I got turned in for child abuse, when one of the well-off students’ parents, got mad cause their daughter didn’t win, and the kid everyone disliked, won on her unregistered horse, and rubbing it in attitude. I stood up for her, cause she earned her wins. All but her and her horse left. I started over, with the students and horses no one else could do anything with. The rules were, everyone had to help everyone else (no telling who would be the one to help you out when you really might need it) you had to learn how to actually ride and work with your horse( from big heavy rough bits, back to simply asking, receiving, responsive riding) it was supposed to be fun, you must love what you are doing, smile and be able after a run to tell what 3 things you did right, before you could bitch about each 1 thing you did wrong. The winning just happened and exploded. I was one of the best as a coach. My personal winning… was always just enough to pay for each trip and entry.
I was so glad it was dark as I drove, the tears just kept flowing, as I realized all the pressure I had been mistakenly under trying to fit in. And the craziness of each time I added a layer of others opinions, how much it was tearing me up, and blocking my view. I suddenly see, know, and realize how much more I truly have to give and offer. How I really do know how to create, expand, and be more than all of that fitting in crap I was spoon fed from trying to please others to fit in, who were themselves disconnected and so buying in to thinking instead of feeling for what is there inside each and every one of us from God/Source to shine, love, and become are best just like we are. We are all created in his likeness, for us to experience, find and create all of the marvelous ideas, thoughts, dreams and wishes he keeps allowing us to feel inside.
My last thoughts for this morning, I read about the train in several others post and from Margarita about deciding to jump from the old way of yucky old past thoughts, to the one bounded for our wonderful new tomorrows. I think it will be more fun to allow the Universe cause I changed my idea of working for it, to allow the opportunity, way or idea to present itself to me, to just be carried, assisted, or shown the easy, next logical step, to find myself suddenly just on the train loving the view as I move in this new fun, fulfilling direction. And a wonderful toast of appreciation to the blog from yesterday Day 36-37: Reunion Challenge from Lisa Shah that helped me find the overflowing peace that I went to bed with last night. I love and appreciate every one of you here at BLC!