Category Archives: responsibility

Hello!!! What is this???

first responderAfter all this practicing of learning to meditate and focus… and doing an incredible job of it. “Except…”

My inner being feels much louder now that I have found the way to quiet so much of the old programs from others which use to have control over most of my attention.  The false old belief that fitting in was important. Making others happy by saving those in pain, despair, woe or whatever other drama they brought to the forefront of my attention to their neediness was the solution to being or having it all.

The voice spoke again, just a whisper as it knew I was listening…

You did so well last night, the pain that woke you about four this morning. You got up, took something for it, rearranged the bed, even turned the heating pad on low, to go back to sleep and wake up feeling fine.

Then the phone message ding… Need ride! Son hurriedly texted after checking to see if you were awake. Both of those texts you just answered. There was no focus. No thought as you read what was texted to sense inside for your feelings, then think and feel for the best answer for you.

First responder habit still has dibs on you!rescuer

No excuses seemed even a little bit plausible, as I felt the beginning of discomfort in my head. Then I grinned. The very discomfort I was feeling, was also the key to me allowing my inner self access to my attention again… from when moments before I told myself I was “having” to finish playing all of the players shown waiting in the queue, then I could go blog about what I’d discovered was true for me with the judging, focus, and looking away outside to others habit, taught in manifesting living the “perfect life”.

Softly the voice went on… Meditation was learned to quiet your mind. Focus was to learn how to hone in on “one” thing at a time. Awareness was to learn thoughts and feelings are partners in creating anything. All of these can create the most simple or complex creations when they work together.

Allowing was to learn and realize that judgment divides. In giving up deciding right from wrong, the focus is no longer outside of you. Everything is just choices to choose to continue to look at and create more of, or let go of to allow new thoughts to experience in.

The conversation with your son went better. You allowed him the choice of ranting on about all the things impossible about his transportation situation. Faced it straight on and gave him two choices that worked perfectly for you. Both required him to step up and figure out the best answer for him, from inside himself. No band aids, no hand outs, no exceptions. It’s his life.

It took for you to starting to feel physically off, stopping all of the excuses of your own “outside attention others first awareness” to feel for what you, all of your body needed. You slowed down, turned off the game without finishing it. Closed the browser, just sat with yourself, to focus on what would feel best… right now. Got quiet. Waited… to see the bottle of medicine in your mind, the amount to take with water. Then after taking care of yourself. Sat down and allowed the words to flow…

Damn… and now not only do you feel better… you finished a blog. Good Job!!!

I love this new way of tuning in to me, listening to what I am telling myself. Actually hearing all of the crazy, justifying statements that were almost silent roadblocks in any of my own movement forward. Loving when I’m in a focused state, fully invested in the experience and aligned with what is going on in the present moment. I am not worried about the outcome or any means to an end. I am learning how to be present and move with intention in caring about all of Me! Congratulating, praising and honoring all of this which is coming from within me, to me, for me. It’s so powerfully changing, honing and improving every aspect of my life.

I ALONE…

thread

Awareness is the key to change. Though actually in my process of discovering what it is I need to change, I have found I can be aware of the things on the surface, and never once have touched the undertow actually running my life. Amazed at discovering there is this place inside where when one is persistently, intently focused on what appears to be happening right in front of them, outside of their control, while an entire slew of subtle old beliefs are actually controlling the current.

The beliefs of who “Am I” usually start with an entire litany of others description of me, as they see, desire or need me to be. Which in the living of my life I have done an incredible job of fitting into just fine, by doing all the steps necessary to make others wishes come true. Yet now, no where in this incredible state of doing so much for so many have I found the entirety of me.

Earlier today I went into meditation with the desire to know what is the core belief that ties all of this stuck-ed resistance together for me to not find myself in either the “glorious picture of success” presented by advertising or the “famous rescuer of the world” from the shamed and blasphemed sensationalism depicted in the news.

Before me danced the many dictates of beliefs I have encountered in the past with each one saying “pick me, look here, notice me”, nodding at their availability, I continued down the rows of my life’s steps, stopping to look, pick up, uncover and examine each in turn. Slowly feeling for the emotion attached or represented by each one.

Noticing something odd, just a little off, barely tangible, almost out of sorts… A single out of place thread, just a wisp poking out of the side, off to the edge, barely visible on some, in plain sight on others, yet it continually looped back and forth between all of the aisles of my life.

As I looked back I discovered there was not one single evident belief that it did not run through.

Interestingly it was the most simple shade of gray. Not flashy, not pretty, not ugly… just there. Small, slim, fine like a spider’s silk, yet resiliently stretching over years and years of the past.

I stopped, walked back, picked it up, truly examining it to see what truth it had for me.

It was alone. It had no others. There was just the one tiny, slim thread. So fine as to seem to be just a tiny thought, buried here, yet in plain sight. Waiting to be found, to be gathered and re-weaved, successfully into my awareness. The biggest change I needed to find, see and realize. My Aloneness!

I alone can change my life. There is no waiting. No blaming. No loss… other than not choosing my taking and owning my own power. The responsibility to own everything I have ever done as the perfect steps to lead me to now.

I have been steadily, slowly, constantly learning, deciding and choosing whether it is to say no or yes to any situation. Because nothing is ever truly wrong, to be judged or challenged. It’s just not right for me. I, Alone, own the choice. I, Alone choose to be more, less or do nothing. But I so Gloriously “ALONE” get to choose. For there is no one else inside who causes me to feel or think. JUST AWESOMELY ME! I am my connection to it all. Every day a little bit more, every moment I choose to be the best me… YET!

School, Responsibilty, Lights Up Ahead

I wrote, posted, watched a movie with my youngest, then went to bed and knocked off the book I have been re-reading siting there on the shelf. Curious as to what page it had fallen apart to (I have read and re-read it so much it is now in pages, and sections) So I proceeded to suddenly feel, find and understand these words: “If you train yourself in the practice of deliberately picturing your desire and carefully examining your picture, you will soon find that your thoughts and desires proceed in a more orderly procession than ever before. Having reached a state of ordered mentality, you are no longer in a constant state of mental hurry. Hurry is Fear, and consequently destructive.
In other words, when your understanding grasps the power to visualize your heart’s desire and hold it with your will, it attracts to you all things requisite to the fulfillment of that picture by the harmonious vibrations of the law of attraction. You realize that since Order is Heaven’s first law, and visualization places things in their natural order, then it must be a heavenly thing to visualize.
Everyone visualizes, whether he knows it or not. Visualizing is the great secret of success. The conscious use of this great power attracts to you multiplied resources, intensifies your wisdom, and enables you to make use of advantages which you formerly failed to recognize.”
Pages 11-12 of the book Your Invisible Power by Genevieve Behrend written in 1929 the book was copyrighted in 1951.
I have had it for at least 10 years, understood a little, put it away. It would appear, I would highlight some more stuff, understand more each time, then put it away again. Till it reappeared on my shelf back about September, where I have read it at least 10 times again since then, just this is the first time I got, understood, saw in my mind exactly what she was saying.
About then my best friend called, we shared my stuff I found, her newest Abe reflections and I dozed off to sleep. Waking up realizing why, millions of dollars have never been easy for me to visualize… It’s not my desire, or dream. The minute I felt me think that, was the exact moment all kinds of easy to visualize scenario’s about things I desire, came up, were fun, complete, and then I let them go as I was driving just enjoying my morning and myself.
Came home, youngest gone off to school on time. Fed, hayed, made buckets came in here to write. Phone call from school, deep breath, the vice principal, my son took his pocket knife to school with him, showing it off, cause it’s cool looking and came from his older brother. Someone turned him in, the VP was so rattled about having to send my son to alternative school for 45 days and tell me. Because it’s just one of those stupid kid things you do, but there is a law on the books here in Texas about knives at school and the blades being over 3”.
I took a deep breath, told him its okay, we have been working through a lot of stuff and he is finally getting it that he has to take responsibility for his actions. It will be okay, it will all work out. He thanked me, we have a meeting for tomorrow. And I am truly okay with this. Things always work out for me, and they will for my son too. Life is good, I can see down the road all the pieces changing, shaping and coming together in a different, better way! I think I will go write in my story some more!!
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