Category Archives: Self Love
Begin Again…
The last few years I have sparsely written, as I had chosen the path of true self-discovery. Much like the weaver of a blanket who discovers in their almost completed project a couple of twisted out of place threads, which could have been just snipped, untwisted and replaced. Yet who knew instead there was much more to be gained in going back, completely undoing the months and years of work, to slowly… with new found awareness, patience and complete love of self to a place of truly knowing who I am worth to choose to rework the entire weave.
The last couple of years here in this small Texas town that has weathered the destruction and reconstruction (for me such a perfect outward expression of my inner journey) a tornado, straight line winds, massive rainfall, and just recently the edge of a hurricane, the eye passing within thirty miles to the east of here.
My oldest son changing jobs, buying his own place and settling into his current phase of life, whilst my youngest graduated, worked a series of fast food jobs, before finally finding work he truly, currently, enjoys. Including his moving out in the last few weeks as part of the series of learning the value of being on his own, which amazingly accompanied my own realization of how much of my life had been programed to taking care of others first.
In reweaving my life’s blanket, the threads I have gone within to find were all of the beliefs given to me by well-meaning others, the media, society, any and everything else that has attempted to tell me who I am so that I fit their idea of me.
I had just about found my way back to the first third of my life’s blanket the month after my youngest graduated last year, when I discovered this strange lack of activity in my routine. In puzzling over the difference as I continued with my “normal” routine, when the awareness of what the something missing was finally found me. For the first time in 24 years I did not have to “run” to school, the store, and the office to report, fix, repair, replace or return anything in assisting my boys in getting through school to be the somebody’s society expected.
I found myself bathed in the uncertainty of who was I really? I had this enormous list of things I was doing to fit into being “who I thought I was supposed to be”. Followed by slowly, carefully, daily, unthreading, unwinding, and sorting through the colors of beliefs, ideas and suggestions that I had learned to believe were supposed to be me. Thus utilizing yoga, exercise, diet, reading, and listening to a variety of authors as I allowed myself to actually discover, be content, and happy, by doing whatever I truly desired.
It took this last year with lots of alone time with the horses, the cats, the dog, myself, this place with its amazing views and the assortment of clients for me to see the reflection of who I had been, who I could be, who I was… always vividly portrayed by the situations I would see in front of me.
I have learned what the horses have shown, taught and instilled in me, as my truth. Everything is a result of what I am vibrating, feeling, being and expecting. There are no exceptions. It took almost stripping myself bare, learning to listen to every single thought, really feeling every feeling, awareness to every word I spoke aloud to finally realize I had created my entire life, no exceptions! If I truly desired change, I would have to be as aware in my moment to moment activities of my mind, body and beliefs, as I am when I am fully aware in handling and working with anything new.
There are no idle thoughts or feelings. Animals are gifted that way. They feel their way by living fully in each moment. There is no worry about tomorrow, or yesterday. Only this moment exist.
All of my old habits of thoughts as to what another thinks is okay or right… have been the walls of the prison I held myself in by thinking that I have to be some particular way to have a life, much less my life.
I am in such an amazing place of awareness and appreciation for everything I have ever done. I KNOW I can say no and not give a rip about anyone else. Because I truly am the only one who creates in my reality. I am really for the first time in forever knowing and loving who I am, what It is I desire, and who I comfortably, completely, thoroughly enjoy being and becoming more of. I am in love and at home with myself.
I Sing Along With George Every Day…
George Strait – Back To Being Me Lyrics
I’m back to being me
I’m back to being nobody somebody
The who I was before I was your used to be
I’m back to being me
I’m back to who I was
Before I was the one who fell in love
With the one who never, ever was in love
I’m back to being me
These eyes that used to cry myself to sleep
Now they’re dry they don’t lay me down to weep
For the first time in a long time I like love seeing what I see
No So thanks to you I’m back to being me
These eyes that used to cry myself to sleep
Now they’re dry they don’t lay me down to weep
For the first time in a long time I like love seeing what I see
No So thanks to you I’m back to being me
I’m back to being me
I’m back to being nobody somebody
The who I was before I was your used to be
I’m back to being me
I’m back to who I was
Before I was the one who fell in love
With the one who never, ever was in love
I’m back to being me
I’m back to being me
I’m back to being me
Instead of Doublemint… A Double Post!
So I drove, felt, and looked for any signs to point me to an answer. Something more plausible and explainable than just the sudden extremely tight feel of my clothes, the seat, the seatbelt, even the steering wheel was giving off the feel of way to tight. Where is the release button, I pondered in my mind, then I remembered reading Holly Coker’s post about shoving down feelings with food. The minute I thought about it I felt my whole being go bingo, right path, feel for the answer, feel for yourself, find what you have been shoving in, off, around, even away.
So I allowed… drove…allowed…breathed…
My feeling was food, more simple fruits. Drink, more ice, water, give the coffee a rest. Hmmm, write when you feel like it, let go of the scheduling, it’s okay to have it all. The only rules you need follow are your own… new rules that are much looser, much more flexible and a whole lot more inspired, impulsive… Remember you are suppose to be having fun! Please! You promised! I heard the little kid in me begging me to be good to me.
Those were the coolest words to type…because the answer only came when I blew off everything else, and just came in here to communicate with me! 🙂